Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Read at your own discretion! I am talking sex today people! Deal with it!

Oh yeah! I'm going there! Don't read any further if you are a prude or cannot discuss sexual activity or sexual organs because I am soooo going there! Why?? Well because of the hate mail! tell me not to do something....and I do it just to be a mean, vendictive, psycho, pantie twisting B.I.T.C.H.

And if you cannot stand this......well damn it......G.O.O.D! Because you'r hubby is so not lucky to have you!

Here are some tricks to help your SEX life impove! To come out of the rut! To spice it up some! These are bonafide ways to have some serious orgasms (gasp....did I just say orgasm?? Oh my..I'm such a devil child! Shame on me! *insert the sarcasim and me sticking my tongue out going "na, na, na na boo boo...stick your head in doo-doo!*

You see friends and enemies! Being stuck in the same routine is quite simply.....boring...zzzzzzzzz! Release your inner hooker! She's been wanting to come out and play for a very long time now! She wants to put on her trashy red heels that look even better when they are wrapped around your head! OOOOppppps...I did it again!

Your hubby or S.O. (significant other) so wants the hooker to show herself! Cuz ladies and gents.....I have wisdom about the male gender....they are pervs and most of them masturbate (99%) and most of them love PORN! So you may think that your man is the 1% that isn't like this and quite frankly you are so freaking naive and stupid! You are Jessica Simpson stupid!

*Note: This is more in reference to the naysayers that continue to write me hate mail but still read my blog b/c they are stupider then a redneck in Wall Street and cannot seem to remove their bug eyes from my blog b/c deep down they want to be me!!! Take that shit-holes!

Anyway! Here are some hints for a better romp under the sheets!!!

1) Make sure you are both washing the genitial area before hopping into bed. First of all, if it is a hot day out, most likely your man has swamp balls! This is when the balls get sweaty and moldy and stink like a marsh! Ick! Tell your man to wash the "stinky twinkie" if he wants to get some!!! And ladies....come on! Think about the should be freaking embarrassed if you are smelling like the Red Lobster! K??? Clean it up! Use baby wipes! They are inexpensive and they can freshen you up in a snap! Carson Daly would so totally agree with me!! I love his gay ass! Partygals can help a sista out too! And don't roll your eyes at this b/c seriously, would you walk around smelling like body ordor all day?? Hopefully you said no! So....ummmm...duh! And yes...there are truly the ignorant ones who don't find this appropriate! dumb!

2) Sleep in the nude one night! See how this makes you feel like a dirty slut all of a sudden! Okay seriously, this is a great way to get in the mood faster! Of course you are going to be more willing if you already have the clothes off! Plus, it's a time saver! And lets face's just we all could use the time savers! So sleep in the buff and surprise your lover!

3) Go commando! read right! Take off those undies and let the "Hungry Moster" breathe some! Because you may disagree but this is the truth spoken from a doc....going panyless decreases your chances of those smelly, rotten infections! And it will let you reconnect with your most important places! And I can't talk much here because spanx isn't exactly hot....but if you know that you are going to dance in the bedroom that night, wear some sexy shit! Put away the spanx, granny undies or period panties! Trust me...your man will thank you later!

4) Skip that 5th glass of wine! Why?? Because alcohol can depress your hoochie! It can get all sad and it won't want an encore of the "Big O". However, a few glasses to help unwind and to release your inner diva is great! You ever heard of "liquid courage?" You will roar like a lion in bed!! Grrrrrrr!

5) Ladies...don't fake it! This is a big orgasm no-no! Why?? Because your mate will instinctivly go to that spot over and over again thinking it made you go numb from the waist down! If it didn't work, then nicely ask him to try something else! And you know what?! Don't always use the same positions. This is crazy! Because you may be missing out on the mind blowing "O" that you desperately deserve. Don't short-change yourself! And if you are not having the mind boggling "o", then sex will be boring and so not worth the time and effort next time! This can lead to some marital stresses!

And finally, if you are having troubles with to your doctor and get a reference to a sex therapists! This will beneifit your marriage, family and happiness! And just so you therapists are all for sex toys, lotions or potions like I sell! Yes...I do my research!

So, there you have it! Now run on over to and see the wonderful things we offer!

And also, FYI....I DO sell makeup, lotions that are non-sexual and some fun things like chocolate lotions for kids! Don'! My diva thinks that I sell the wonderful bubble bath that smells like cotton candy or chocolate sundaes b/c I do. And she loves the body glitter that tastes like honey for her dance recitals. And when she gets growing hot legs that I buy in the cases helps her rest easier. Especially on nights that her R.L.S. (Restless Leg Syndrome) bothers her! I would never in a million years tell my 10yr old that I sell Sex toys! She thinks I sell Girly Gals and Girly Kids because I Do! And kid could kick your kids ass anyday! GRRRRR!

And I also have never, ever supported adultry! I don't know where you would ever come up with this! I focus on helping married couples enjoying eachother so they don't have the need to have an affair and I also support safe sex for singles! So, bite me where the sun don't shine and shove off, puke faces!!!!

I am a me ROAR!!!!!


Amy said...

Wow, I really want to see this emails that set you off girl!! You are hilarious!

Mike Golch said...

Krissy,you go girl,let the fools that set you off have it with both barrels!and more,how about a cannon?????
Love your blogs by the way!

Mike Golch said...

Krissy I have an award just for you call I am writer hear me roar.come and get lady you deserve it.Mike

Jewelgirl said...

Yeah, secrets to marriage
some of this is just common
sense, no matter how long
you've been married.
Have a GOOD one!

Smitty76 said...

Oh lord, people are giving you a hard time? I say post their shit for all to see, since they are obviously not brave enough to do that themselves.
SEX ROCKS!!! Keep talking sex! LOL

Nissa said...

You crack me up, Krissy! I love the "Release your inner hooker!" And I agree with sleeping in the nude- we always do. Even in the cold of winter; it gives you a good excuse to cuddle, which always leads to more!

BTW- I still need your mailing address, hun- email me!

noble pig said...

You are priceless. Your post on my site made my husband and I fall on the floor with laughter. Thanks for always putting it all out there! This post wa great.

Sandy C. said...

LOve this post :)
I love reading Hall of Shame emails from bloggers, you must share some of the hate mail...

Those are some fabulous tips. LMAO at "Jessica Simpson stupid!"...

FUN-ky Mama said...

I'm ROFL at "release your inner hooker"! You tell 'em girl, don't let them bug you!

jess said...

OMG..i didn't even get past swamp balls without LMAO...

u r a NUT! i love it.

A Buns Life said...

I say post the emails too!! If they don't have the guts to post a comment then out them yourself. Honestly they are seriously diluted if they think their love life is all that it could be...everyone's could use a little spice every now and then. I could get real political on you but I won't. Just think of all those "conservatives" that get caught doing something with someone that they are not supposed to be with.....

Kathryn said...

You are flipping hilarious! I love you! You rock!

And chocolate lotion for kids? I could never. My boys would walk around licking their hands, arms, feet, legs all day. It would be crazy! hehe

Nickie said...

Sex rules and talking about it makes everyone even better at it!!! Keep it coming (no pun intended!), your tips are great (again no pun intended)!!!

dawn224 said...

Swamp balls! ROFL!

I do 2, 3, and 5. I wonder if I should come to bed in clothes, that might spark some attention :)