Sunday, March 30, 2008

The trouble with water!


You wonderful, wonderful people! You are so freaking spectacular!!! I love it! The encouragement and support makes me get the boost I needed to fight like the dickens again. I have screamed my fool head off at the idiots in this town and I finally got tired. But, suddenly, I don't feel like being so tired anymore!!! "A screaming I will go!"

You see.....some of the people in this town don't agree with us. Mainly, because they are concerned about us suing the shit out of the school and they are worried about repercussions on their part! So, it is miserable when people roll their eyes at you or make up excuses for the stupid superintendent. Now that the town is seeing his true colors, he isn't very well liked and people are strangely changing their minds. Amazing! Some of these people were our friends though, which made for some uncomfortable situations.

The teachers all want this fruitcake out! He gets paid like $80,000 and has a huge power trip. I have been asked by many teachers to get on the school board, which then I would become his boss. I am highly considering it. I just have to keep my attitude in check for awhile and work my devious ways to kick him out! It goes to vote as to who is on the school board and b/c of some people being hateful towards us, they probably won't vote for me. And conflict of interest plays a huge part. I'm suing the school for criminey out loud! It's something I have to check into

For now, I just keep going down the stairs with my bleach bottle and killing the mold that grows. It's never ending, but it is under control for now! It helps to have people on our side though! I love that you are so willing to support me!

I have not gone public yet, under the advice of our stupid lawyer. That's another avenue that I have to fight. But the thought has been there all along. My great friend and number one supporter knows some people in the news world and the minute I give the okay, she is making the phone call. Word of mouth has been my only way of confronting this. And let's face it, my mouth is huge. I have no quarrels telling everyone and anyone who will listen how stupid the school and city are. Most agree!!!!!

Hugs to you all for being my buddies!!!! And wow....thanks for reading the whole thing!!! You certainly don't suffer from ADHD!!!!! LOL!

I will give you fair warning.....

This post is going to be pretty long and so not funny. This is our life for the last 4yrs. It sucks and it's sorta depressing. But my friends are sick of me venting about this and so I'm gonna blog about it. Each time I tell this story I get very emotional and very sick to my stomach. But I'm holding it in again and need to get it out before I go postal!!!!! If you don't feel like reading my sob story, I completely understand. If you want funny, read the Butt blog!

We moved here 4yrs ago. After looking for houses for a year we sorta found this house by accident. I fell in love with this house. It was my home! We put in a bid, had an inspector check it out and the house became ours. It was actually cheaper then other houses we were looking at and it was the best home suited for me. It was a sign!

The day we moved in wasn't all that stressful. We had been moving things in weeks prior to this so really, we didn't have a lot to finish the "big move". I had friends here helping, we were laughing and talking while we worked. We finally grabbed some wine and watched a movie. At about 2am we all went to sleep. I was so happy until at 7pm when my friends boyfriend screamed up the stairs "Craig, wake up, you basement flooded!" WHAT????

Sure as hell, it flooded. Of course, because the basement was a legal finished basement, all of our stuff lay on the floor waiting to be put in order. We threw it all away. Luckily I had added a rider onto our insurance for sump pump back up. All houses in Sioux Falls and surrounding areas have sump pumps. I wasn't used to this so I paid the extra $10 a month to add it to our insurance. It only pays up to $10,000 (minus the $2000 deductible) and covers only structural damage. What this means, our computers, t.v.s, printers, clothes, ect. were history. The adjuster came out and swore that even though the walls were wet, the sheet rock would dry and we only needed carpet replacement. Fine....we listened like the dumb asses we are and took his advice. We put down new, better carpet and bought all the personal items we lost again.

That whole year later, my daughter was always sick. Allergies were kicking her ass and her momma was shitting eggs. I couldn't figure out what the hell was going wrong with her allergies. I kept getting sinus infections. Bad sinus infections that Rx's and nose sprays wouldn't help. Then one day I got very, very sick. I couldn't move my head, I slept all the time, my neck hurt, I couldn't remember anything. My doctors sent me to the hospital (almost by ambulance but didn't because I begged them not too) thinking I had a tumor. After spinal tabs, cat scans, blood work, tests upon tests, they realized that I had the viral spinal meningitis. I was in the hospital for 3 days. They determined that my sinus infection got out of hand and infected my brain. Because it was viral, it wasn't too harmful but I could have headaches up to months after this. I had to have cortisone shots shot into the back of my skull, to dull the headaches. It was traumatic to say the least.

After that I still suffered with sinus issues and my daughter had pneumonia 8 times. I was getting ready to move back to where we came from. I was scared. I was worried beyond belief about my daughters health. My hubby suffered too.....and woke up gagging up green stuff daily. Things were wrong, terribly wrong. I had a bad feeling and the stress was taking it's toll on me.

Then one day my hubby was in N. Carolina and Diva and I sluggishly woke up. It had rained like a bitch that night. I stayed in my basement until 1am or about to make sure we were not flooding. Our sump pump was running continuously, so far so good. When we woke up, Diva looked down the stairs and freaked. Then she begged me not to freak. I half asleep wondered over to the stairs. I see water up to the 3rd step, our personal belongings floating by and no hubby to yell too. I started to cry. Then I pulled it together and called my friends whom all came over to help. It was a disaster. We had 14inches plus in our basement. I was in utter disbelief. I called the insurance, who they advised me to call a carpet restoration company to see what could be saved. I was pissed about that but had to listen or my piddly little $10,000 insurance rider wouldn't apply. The restoration company was here for 2hrs at the most, charged me $3000 and left. The adjuster came the next day and told us to rip out all the carpet and all the sheet rock. He personally said "This is a disaster!"

When we ripped out the sheet rock, we discovered mass amounts of mold. Mold all over the place. Hmmmm....wonder why we were always sick. That was from the first flood! Nice!

We had a engineer come out and look at the foundation. He immediately told us that the bus barn the school had built before we moved in was the blame. No drainage and the whole town pretty much drains to this area. It backs up under ground, and our drain tile and sump pump cannot keep up.

We fought with the school and city for a year. The city allowed this bus barn to be built without a building permit. After it was built they gave them the permit which stated that a detailed drain survey was to be done. It never was. The engineer who built the bus barn has admitted that it is causing our problems. The city and school don't care. Our neighborhood protested that bus barn going up, in fear of flooding. The superintendent at the time stated that if there was any flooding issues "the school would be responsible" We have that in the city minutes. This house flooded the year before we moved in, but the old owners blamed it on sump pump failure. Little did they know that it was actually the damn that was built behind them. We now have a new freak of a superintend ant that literally told us that it didn't matter what was said before. He's the one in charge now and he will not help us!! Then they told my hubby that we could no longer go to the school meetings to discuss the problem and try to find a mutual agreement. They didn't care about our problems.

Everyone knows the reason we are flooding.....but everyone pretty much laughed in our face!

We have gone to every single department in the government. All of them admit that the school and city broke the law, but they cannot do anything about it, it's not in their jurisdiction. Then they send us to the next level of government and so on and so on. I spoke to the Governor himself and my husband spoke to the FBI. Nobody can help. Everyone just offers us pity, but no help.

It's in lawsuit now but we picked the wrong fucking lawyer. He is worthless. We have flooded every year we lived here. Never mind the fact that a week after the big flood, I had major surgery. Then our insurance, because they gave us the $10000 (minus the deductible), gave us a very limited time frame to fix the structural damage or they would put a lien on our house. Remember we spent $3000 to the idiot restoration company, then we waterproofed our basement. We put in decorative cement flooring (which is gorgeous) which cost $3000. You can see where this is going. We have roughly put in $15000 to that basement of our own money. We put the medical bills on hold to get rid of the mold in the basement and to fix the bitch up. It is 3/4 the way finished, but because all of our personal property was thrown into a dumpster and the fact that we know we will flood again this year, it sits empty. I don't even want to tell you how much we have lost in home value. It's sickening. And then the medical bills started threatening us. We have to pay or we will have judgements on us. We are trying to fix a basement and pay for a very unexpected surgery too. Both things were unexpected. All our savings went ka-put and all of it into the basement, lawyers, etc. I chose to fix the basement and deal with the mold so my child won't miss mass amounts of school again and struggle to breath. I figured the medical bills will just have to wait. Priorities. But the hospitals and doctors and bill collectors could give a rats ass about our situation. They don't care and demand the minimal payment. This means we pay about $300 a month. Never mind that my health insurance paid over $19,000 for my surgery. It's not like they didn't get paid! The Rat Bastards are heartless.

The repercussions of this has been overwhelming and has caused us great amounts of stress. I could tell you more, but I would only bore you. Our city council and superintendent of the schools swore to my husband that water does run uphill (my husband is a mechanical engineer, and these morons are arguing with him). I have freaked out on these assholes before. It hasn't been pretty and everyone knows us as the "family that is suing the school". Ugh.

We have a friend who is a lawyer. He helped us threw it all but couldn't take it to court b/c of conflict of interest. He sent a fellow lawyer to a meeting with me (he or hubby couldn't attend). This lawyer, who got a crash course on our situation, walked out of the city council meeting and said: "You live in the town of Fuck!!! As soon as you can, move the hell out of this pathetic excuse of a town. I have never seen such ignorance and stupidity in my entire life!"

He fumed and vented to our friend lawyer and said that he totally feels sorry for us as we have done nothing wrong. He is right, we have done nothing wrong.

We spoke with everyone possible. No one will help! Everyone gives us their apologies and then quickly dismisses us as dirty old shoes. I could not even explain the amounts of heartache and stress I have. I am on anxiety meds as this was causing me to have ulcers and I was puking all the time. Most of the times blood. I know that my life could be worse....I get that! But it still sucks ass people! It leaves a bad taste in my mouth! Like I'm sucking on rotten eggs! I sit here and blog through my tears. The memories of the sickness it caused my baby girl! The numerous times I slept with her, my hand over her chest, making sure she didn't stop breathing. The numerous times I lay awake just to hear her wheezing, struggling to breath. My doctors were concerned, and when we discovered the mold we all went "Ah-ha!"
My doctor will testify that it caused severe health issues for us all!

This is my life for the last 4yrs.........and it sucks. People are sick of hearing our sob story. People are sick of listening to me vent about how much I hate this effing town and wish I could move. People are sick of us venting. I don't blame them.

And my stress level hasn't been any better b/c I deal with this all the time. It is in my face daily. I want to move, but with the loss of property value, we cannot. So, we will sop up the mess again this year and fight the battle of mold again and again. It is a never ending battle.

Now that I have tears streaming down my face from exhaustion, sadness, madness and everything else.....I will sign off.

This really is only half of the story. I could tell you more and more, but I just don't have it in me. I don't want pity out of this, I just needed a place to scream as today is "one of those days!"

If you made it this far, thank you! If not, I understand! I'm inches away from saying screw it and move anyway. Screw the fact that we will lose even more of our hard earned money. WTF????

I would show pictures but I can't do it. It hurts.....deep! I can't stand to look at them anymore. It's not about losing everything. 3 computers, t.v's, my daughters baby memorabilia, her bible with her name engraved on it in gold from her Godparents, our antique furniture, our newer furniture, our place where friends and family could come and stay, all my Christmas decorations (including my $400 tree), surround sound, Xbox, pictures (lots and lots of pictures), my daughters scrap book, all of our summer clothes, and much much more.

Okay, I'm done! I'm quite certain most haven't made it to the 2nd paragraph! Sorry!

Friday, March 28, 2008

The trouble with butts!!!

There are many troubles with butts.

It can be that your butt is too big!

It could be that your butt is too flat!

I hardly doubt that anyone would ever say their butt is too small! And if they did I would stick a hot poker in their eye!

It could be that your hubby/boyfriend is a butt!

It could be that your boss is a butt!

It could be that your butt is crusty and itchy!

It could be that your butt has a hemorrhoid!

It could be that your butt hurts from getting it slapped to much!

It could cause you guilt when you spank a child's butt!

It could be that you have a gigantic pimple on your butt!

It could be that you like looking at nice butts; but your significant other doesn't like that too much and it causes problems!

It could be that you don't even like the word butt!

It could make you feel sick when you think about what comes out of the butt!

It could be that it is numb from sitting on your butt for too long!

It could be that your butt has a magnetic attraction to the couch!

It could be that ugly, smelly toothless men pinch your butt!

It could be that your doctor has to stick his finger up your butt!

It could be that your significant other has fantasies about doing the nasty with your butt! If you recall the Huckdoll sex question, you will giggle like me!

It could be that you are constipated and you have to stick a suppository up your butt!

It could be you are having major surgery and a nurse molests you by sticking an enema up your butt!

It could be you sticking a thermometor up your child's butt!

It could be that your butt is way to hairy!

It could be that your big butt doesn't fit into your skinny jeans anymore!

It could be that your butt seeps out fowl smells and loud sounds at the most inappropriate time.

I could go on and on but (no punt intended) you get the idea. Really, our butts are our "pain in the asses!"

And I just wanted to tell you about my redneck friend in Texas. This yoo-hoo's actually go "Rattle Snake Hunting." All I can say is that they are f'ing dim-witted. And then my retarded redneck sends me pictures knowing how much I hate snakes! What a pea brain!!!!!

Thursday, March 27, 2008

I've still got sizzle in y fra-zizzle!

I can still attach my lips to any one's asses to get what I want!

I don't care that my nose is brown, I don't care that I smell shit on a daily basis.......I am an ass kisser, and I am proud of it!!!

Well, okay, so it doesn't work out like that! I just realized that I can schmooze a liver right out of a persons body! Okay, I'm not that good, but I'm a damn good actress.

You see, Target is trying to raise money for a little boy struggling with cancer. He is 3yrs old and is quite possibly, the cutest 3yr old I have ever laid eyes on! His family is struggling financially, emotionally, etc. We are working hard for some funds. Some good ole' fashion donations. It's part of "Oprah's Big Give!" Target in Sioux Falls got some money from the Queen herself, Oprah! So cool!

So, my hubby's stupid ass boss that I despise and want to rip his tongue out and strangle him with it was in Sioux Falls yesterday. He's resides in Minnesota. Anyway, I marched myself into the office, looking all professional (even I snickered there because I fell out of the car upon arriving there!) and gave the spiel. I looked like I was delighted to see him (even though I had nasty thoughts running through my head) and planted my lips right up against his tight ass. He is looking into doing a very large donation, that would help us out tremendously. Now why would he do this? Well, because at this point he is actually kissing my husband's ass and knows that if he gets on my good side, I can persuade my hubby into anything. He is obviously married and knows the rules!

Anyway, this fundraising thing is excruciating. It is pain saking b/c so many big businesses will not comply! It's sorta sad. I know that many big corporations donate quite often, but when it is something local and big like this....I would assume they would be more apt to handing over the green. I was wrong!

Oh well.....It's a challenge, and I love challenges.

And by the way, can I tell you something that I hate??? People who don't use deodorant! I have smelled the most rank smells while working at Target. Stinky, Nasty, Hot Garbage smells. It isn't instead of the 15bags of chocolate, maybe a stick of deodorant! And, while I'm at it.....why do people leave the house without brushing their teeth??? I really don't want to stereotype or anything, but they are always the nasty fat pigs that have food stains all over their white t-shirts and sweat pants. So Gross!!!

I'm on a mission to take better care of myself so I don't have "Dunlap Disease" (your gut has "done lapped over your belt") Seriously, if you don't like this word, forgive me....but I call it "Blubber Pu$$y" I just threw up a bit and swallowed it! Ack!!!

Anyway, if you have any great techniques for getting some donations, send them my way. This little boy deserves it, trust me! Just to give you an idea about this family: The dad works his ass off at night and then helps with Ayden's care. The mom's job was downsized while she was on a leave while Ayden was in radiation and they lost their insurance and had a pay cut. They have an older child who has a family of his own and they have moved in now to help care for Ayden and get him to his chemo appointments. And all the while, the mom still volunteers for "meals for wheels!"

They are amazing!

Because I spoke of nasty smelly fat's my pic for the day!

A word from the not so wise!!!

Snow sucks!!!!!

It is snowing and it is the end of March!!! WTF??????

Another word from this old (not-so)wise owl!!!!

Husbands that stay home from work b/c of the snow should be classified as "Dead on Arrival" b/c this wife is going to slaughter him if he aggravates me one more shitting time!!!!! GO.TO.WORK.
As I was talking to my friend on the phone he stood in front of me mimicking me talking! He was saying "Gabby, Gabby, Gab!" He looked like a Chipmunk on Crack! So.Not.Attractive. I asked my friend, who does in home daycare, if she had any openings for this huge kid? I screwed up when I told her he still poops his pants because she said "NO!" Damn it!!!!! Actually, he's home b/c Diva has a school outing today and we are both going with her. So, he's playing good daddy today so I guess I won't kill him, but I might throw a snowball at him later!!!!

I gave my gay friend some advice the other day. He once texted a picture of himself and he looked like Boy George. It was spooky! So, as he was divulging way to much information to me, he mentioned that he was dumped by his boyfriend. I asked if he wore that Boy George get-up out with him. He said "yeah!" (all excited thinking that I was going to say how cute he looked!) I said "Seriously, don't ever wear that outfit again unless your gay butt wants to stay single forever. And since you play the "girl" role, go wax the eyebrows."

I'm pretty sure he did!!!

So, if you ever want advice and you don't want honesty (I am the friend that tells you that the outfit you just picked out is ugly as hell!), don't come a talking to me! I'm only brutally honest when the moment calls for it! Usually, I'm a bit more subtle and nice!!!

Well, looks like we are going to play the good parents now. Pray for my sanity as I get all the girls (because I am the cool mom!) and I'm sure they are going to whine, whine, whine all freaking day! And pray for my sanity with my hubby to b/c he will whine, whine, whine as well however I can spank him!!!!! ;-)

Pictures later.......of me spanking my hubby! Just kidding!!!!

P.S. In case you missed it.....the post below this one was my somewhat birth story. It's long, but if you want to read an "Ode to my Girly Parts" it's worth it!!!!!


Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Dear Ovaries and Uterus and Kidneys:

Our relationship has never been on the best terms. From the moment that you started wreaking havoc on my body, I swore then and there that I hated you! My first period was a sign of what kind of anguish you brought to me. As the years continued, and I sat on the toilet for a good week, I contemplated ripping you out of my body myself. I would have used a dull spoon to cut through my flesh just to rip you out! When I said I hated you, I meant it!

And then one day I felt funny......a funny I never felt before! And I thought to myself: after all the years of doctors telling me that my girly parts would never cooperate with me enough to have a child and your only purpose was to give me 2 periods a month with extreme pain and extreme blood, could you have really done the unbelievable and given me the gift of child?? After 3 home pregnancy tests and a visit to the doctor, it was did your job right for once. I was scared and elated both at the same time. I was scared because you chose to house a baby at a inconvenient time and my mind was telling me this was bad, really, really bad. But the boss (my heart) kept thumping "good....good....good" and I knew from then on out that my heart was God telling me that things would be okay!!!

During my pregnancy, you continued to give me some problems.....but nothing I or a very wonderful doctor couldn't handle. All was well until your neighbors; Mr. and Mrs. Kidneys, took over being the asses. They made me feel like I had a drum player jamming out in my back, decided to bleed, and caused excruciating pain. Then my kidney doctor told me that they were shitholes and that I wasn't going to be able to remain pregnant. I disagreed, listened to my heart again (or God!), and chose to continue my pregnancy.

After months of torture, you decided to join in on the fun with the kidneys and tried to reject my baby, the one you were housing. She apparently over-stayed her visit. But once again, my wonderful doctor was way smarter then you and we prevailed again!!!! Ha, Ha!

Finally, the time had come where my baby was going to leave her home, naked, covered in yuck. But then other parts of my body protested once again. Not only did the kidneys go haywire, but my hips decided that they didn't want to move over enough to let this 7lb, sticky child out! And my spine decided to reject any epidurals so my pain was enough to make me want to jump out of the 4story window. I was losing my mind! I had no sleep b/c Mr. & Mrs. Kidneys decided "Oh how fun is this.....let's party like rockstars so our host cries in pain all night long the night before she tries to push a watermelon with shoulders out of her girly hole!"

Finally, the wonderful doctor decided that you could all screw off and he cut open my stomach and pulled a pissed off sticky, stinky baby butt first out of my guts! It was fun! And there she was, covered in mucous, a head shaped like a cone screaming out words that we couldn't understand.

And then the doctors decided to kick "Mr and Mrs. Kidney's" asses and gave them some drugs to calm them down. And then they gave me some drugs too.....and life was so much better. I saw my baby girl, held her and fell madly in love with her.

I did great during my 5day stay in the hospital. Until the 4th day, when they took away my happy medicine, just like that. My mind decided that this would be a great day to give me a dose of depression. What a wonderful baby gift to give me!!!
After two weeks of crying every single moment of my life, my mind decided to be an Indian Giver and took back the depression. Life was great again......
I had a beautiful daughter (even though she had the ugliest case of cone head ever!) Then I met the man I knew I would spend the rest of my life with and he accepted my cone head baby like she was his from the beginning. What a wonderful life! Until the girly parts decided to become bitches again!!
Cue 7yrs later!!!
Thank you to Dr. Mabee, OBGYN who decided to win the war and rip out the bitches. And that he did. Those bitches are homeless in the trash now! Who's laughing now bitches, who's laughing now????????
Well, as much as my hatred burned through me, I must admit. I miss you at times. I miss having hormones as they are so important in the body. Because even though I don't have to by tampons or pads any longer, I now must deal with constant body aches, constant emotional disorders and numerous other things. It is bittersweet!!!!!!

But thank you for at least giving me my one love, my sweetie, my daughter. Thanks for housing her for the 9 months that you did and thanks for reconsidering kicking her out at 6months of living there. She was worth every single minute of pain and torture you pissypants gave me!!!!

*This is my version of my birth story! It is an ode to my girly parts! It's retarded I know, but hell, I have to always do things differently!!!!!!*
Miss Cone Head-2days old

Diva and Uncle Shane swimming in the pool.

Diva and friends forever!

Being a good girl and doing a wonderful job being a flowergirl!

Soccer girl....not sure what happened to this did it as it downloaded and I'm to lazy to do it over! :0)

Family Picture
Diva (sitting on the car) with my niece and nephew!
Thanks for reading my birth story.....if you made it!

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Guess what happens when I get tired???

1: I whine like my daughter does when I make her wear clothes that she despises (which pretty much is her entire 4 racked full of attire closet....the little shit!) I make sure that everyone in ear shot knows how tired I am and why I am so tired. I blame my lack of sleep on my hubby, my daughter, my mom, my dad, my sister, my nieces and nephews, my dogs, my in-laws, my friends, El Nino, President Bush, The Queen of England, terrorists and the hole in the ozone.

2: I get as bitchy as a redneck without beer. I bitch about all of the above plus some. My family wants to push me off the face of the earth and my hubby wants to strangle me! It's fun sometimes really.....I kinda like being ousted from my family b/c then they don't expect things from me.

3: I complain about my big fat honeysuckles (boobs for those that don't know slang!). I complain to my husband that if it wasn't for my huge knockers my back wouldn't be so sore and my feet wouldn't hurt. And all would be right in the world without a huge butt crack on my chest. Seriously, you've seen them....they don't look like boobs.....they look like a gigantic ass. And lets face it.....I already have one gigantic ass.....I don't need one below my chin too!!!

4: I blame everyone else around me for being crabby. I sit in disgust and give nasty looks to everyone around me because I cannot believe how crabby they are being. How dare them be crabby when I am tired of carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, have one big fat uni-boob, and have a sore back. What a bunch of asses!!!

5: I think at this point I start to cry.....Oh man do the tears roll down my cheeks. I cry because of all above and because of an episode of "Full House!" I cry loud and the sound resembles two whales humping! It's really gross! I have snot flinging from my nostrils and I get the worst case of hiccups. Then I get a migraine and my crabbiness increases significantly.

I finally go to sleep and then wake up the next morning with a smile on my face.......and my family stares at me with fear in their eyes. Because who knows what personality will surface each day!

I love it.....absolutely love it! I love keeping people on their toes.

Keep the emails coming with your sex questions. I have a feeling that it will be a doozy.....or that could be gas....but whatever! It will be fun, nonetheless!!!

Hope you had a terrific, wonderful Easter!!!!

More adventures of Tar-Jay!

Well, I went to work last night. Lynard pulled the BFF card out on me and I was suckered into going in. But, I did get a free movie out of it!!! Score for me, Easter cost me a whole whopping $22 dollars this year for 3 kids (my niece and nephew too!)

Limited Too: Buy one Webkinz get one free. It was my nieces b'day and she wanted a Webkinz, so she got one for her b'day and Diva got one for Easter.

Target: Discount, free movie and free diet coke again. Got the little rugrats some piddly shit and then I bought them a movie to share.

I am a genius! I know you never knew that, but you do now! I am a consignment shopper genius!!!!

Anyway, last night wasn't as bad. It was busy but I managed to make the best of it. Here's how.

1: I was walking into the stockroom last night and had a brain "lockdown". I swore the doors were automatic. So, I walked right into the freaking doors, which made a loud bang. Thank the Lord Jesus that my BFF wasn't there b/c she would still be laughing. Don't worry about me though, my "airbags" saved my face from distortion.

2: A women in my line as I was cashiering told her hubby to "Shut the f@#@ up!" He was bitching about money or something like that and she went ape shit on the man. He did "shut the f$#% up after she pitched a bitch out on him! I was belly laughing after they left!

3: Crabby bitches who needs some attention to their poo-tang soon! Maybe they would come down from "Bitch Mountain" if they had a gigantic orgasm! Dang! I laugh at them...ha, ha, ha...
because as hot as they feel they are, they are obviously still not getting some porn action! But I am..............ha, ha!

4: There is a member that works at Target with us who is legally blind. He can see some with his huge glasses but when he reads things he has to have it right up to his face. I'm not making fun of him, he is a funny guy who has a great sense of humor, okay! But we were putting swim suits away and he would have to have the swimsuits right up against his nose to figure out where they go. It looks like he was sniffing the swimsuit bottoms. Not to mention he breathes heavily out of his nose. He totally looked like a panty sniffer. Customers gave him a second glance and I busted a gut! He's such a cool guy though and laughed with me. He's one of those naturally happy people who act like a yellow lab when he sees you. He bounces around until you acknowledge him. Love him.

Anyway, I made the most of it and had a fun time. I'm spoiled and my BFF and the other Executive that is a friend let me do stuff that others wouldn't get too. I should feel bad about that but screw's cool to get spoiled once in awhile.

Happy Easter! I have to get my tired ass up and showered as my mom just called to give me a list of shit to pick up at any damn store that's open. Thanks Mom! I just have to say though that I hope that we all recall the reason for Easter and that Jesus makes Easter special, not the Easter bunny that I ran over a few months ago!!!!!

Hugs friends.......God Bless!

Saturday, March 22, 2008

I will do anything for a.............

Fountain Diet Coke!!!!
(check yourself.....was your head in the gutter when you read the title???)

My BFF Lynard knows me too damn well. She knows that I live and breathe for fountain Diet Coke! It's sad and pathetic, this I know! But it is my nirvana. When I am extremely anxious or stressed, I race to the nearest store that has fountain sodas to calm my nerves. It weakens me and strengthens me all at the same time!

So Lynard, knowing this little tidbit of info, persuades me to come back to work after already working my shift, to help organize Target. It is chaos there people. I swear, everyone and their sisters were out shopping yesterday. And not a single person can make up their little minds as to what they want b/c they put things in the cart, ponder it for awhile, and then decides they don't want half the items in their cart. So, they throw them where ever they are standing. And then the team members of Target has to pick these items up and put them back to their resting place. It is freaking steamy ass hot hell at our store. I have done it myself so I don't fault these people. But can I add that I will never do it again. Especially clothes b/c clothes are a pain in the ass!

I worked 11hours yesterday. My feet are killing me, my back is aching and my legs are weak. Of course, looking good trumps common sense and I wear high heeled boots or designer tennis shoes that have no support for my falling arches. I am a retard in a box people!!!! I'm getting a new pair of practical tennis shoes now and I will not give a shit less what they look like!!!!!

I told the executives yesterday over 5X's that I quit. I called my hubby to let him know that I am quitting and I told my BFF that I hate her for using my fetish with fountain diet coke against me! Then afterwards I went and had a beer and believe me, I was definitely "crying in my beer last night!" And the real shitty thing is I still have to go back and shop for Easter b/c by time I am done working, I hit the door running.

And my BFF and another Executive (whom I am friends with) are going to aggravate me and schmooze me over in an effort to get me to come back tonight and work! Ha, I have will power and I will say "H to the Hell No" this time (I hope!).

So, there you have it.....I will do anything for a fountain diet coke. I'm such a stupid sucker!!!!
Now, I'm gonna go find myself some Hot Legs to rub on my hairy, aching leg muscles and then I am going to pop in a movie and probably fall back to sleep! It was a sleepless night due to my legs feeling like they had creepy crawlers in them. RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome)....Sucks the big hairy dick!!!!!!

Thursday, March 20, 2008

The trouble with sex!

I know that sex isn't always "Oooh, Oooh, baby, Oooh!" I know that as a women, sometimes our bodies (as we get older, I hate saying that though) go through what I call protest but "the change" is the proper way of saying it.

Because of the protest, sometimes sex doesn't feel good. Our libido goes on strike and we push our husbands away like they are covered with boils that are seeping goo. I know this all too well because of my early hysterectomy and issues due to no hormones. I call this period of my life "hellsonofabitchdamnIhatemyGynofordoingthistome!" Did you get that??? Here, let me translate, because I'm cool like that! (hell, son of a bitch, damn, I hate my Gyno for doing this to me!)

But I have learned some good techniques and of course, I sell some kick ass potions and toys that negotiate well with my stubborn libido. Let me just say "Love Motion #9" Kids, this should be called "magic in a bottle" or "instant orgasm". Seriously, this is my kind of goop. It makes me go from "Ho-Hum" to "Ooooooooohhhhhhh, Hun!" Check it at! Thank you Love Motion #9 for giving me and my hubby some "happy times!" (our code for sex)

Next, here are some things that you can do on your own, without buying stuff. First and foremost, switch up the routine. If you are usually the romantic couple and snuggle, kiss, hug, etc. make it nasty dirty. Don't under estimate the power of a good ole' fashion spanking. Just make sure he/she cups the hand a bit, because that eliminates the sting!!!! Talk dirty! Instead of whispering sweet nothings into your lovers ear whisper sweet nasties instead. And vice-versa. If you are already the dirty lover, then make a romantic night with candles, back rubs, looking into each others eyes, whispering your love and devotion to your mate. And keep switching this shit up! It works.

Also, email is a great thing (or text). If you can email your hubby at work without the boss reading it, send some nasty little love notes and explain all the things you are going to do to him that night. I know most women don't like to give oral sex! Lets face it, when it comes to you being down there it takes hours, days, years for him to be done. And who likes the hand on the head guiding you??? Ummmm.....not too many people I know anyway! But make this his special treat, buy some "Up and Coming" from Partygals (easy quickie in a bottle) and he will thank you for it in the morning, hopefully handing you the credit card to use for whatever you want!!!

That's it for now! I'm doing good on questions but I'm not going to do that post for some time! I need more! Don't forget to tell your friends!!!

I've been asked to help give some of my sex knowledge on a blog. I will tell you the details once I know more. And I know that I have been neglecting comments. I will be by tomorrow telling you all how much you rock. I just started my Target gig, and things got crazy around my crib! But tomorrow is going to be devoted to all of you!!! Promise!
So, I'm off to have some happy sex so I can go to bed and have sweet dreams.

"Happy Sexing" to you my friends.


Wednesday, March 19, 2008

T stands for Target!!! sweet little bloggy friends......I cannot say enough about your comforting words, your wisdom and your terrific support!!!! I can I say "I just love you all so much" without even meeting you??? Well, I can, because I know when I see fun-loving, warm hearted people! Well, when I read fun-loving, warm hearted people and see pictures.....but you get my drift!

Today was a better day. I started my employment at Target! My freaking face hearts from smiling so much and saying "Did you find everything okay?" or "Can I interest you in a Target Red Card?" About zero people said yes but at least my smiling face tried!!!

I love watching people though! I love listening to people. I love coming across the "Manly Men" who treat their wives like they are their "bitches!" You know the type, the wife beater shirts, the scruffy look, the chest puffed out like a rooster! Yep, these are my favorite scums to watch!

One came in today with his sweet little wife, a wife that was very cute and very nice, and a husband that speaks in "grunt!" All items were for him with a few baby items as well. Apparently, they have a 2 month old baby boy (scary considering this bum reproduced!). The sweet little wife asked in a very timid way "May I have some gum?" This piece of prick yelled rather loudly "No, we don't have the money to buy you some shitting gum! If you want gum, go back to work already!" (I'm assuming the ass was speaking of her being on maternity leave!) I wanted to stick a broom handle up his wide ass sideways! What a mother f'er! The poor little wife turned red and gave me a shy smile! I stood in awe! If it wouldn't have been my first day, I would have tore this dudes ass apart! He would have two holes to shit out of by time I was done!!! What a pencil dick!!!

Of course I also deal with the old hags who's lives I disrupt by simply asking if they would like to apply for a Red Card. I got the ear bleeds from their lecturing about how credit cards are Satan and blah, blah, blah. If I wanted to hear all about that I would call my mom or mom-in-law. Geesh. And then I also deal with the people who have the IQ's of a inflatable pool! But sadly, I love every minute of it. It makes me look really damn nice and smart. Double score for me!

Speaking of mothers, mine is pissing me off right about now as I talk on the phone to her. As you can see, I'm paying so much attention to her rambling/bitching ways. I give it another 5 minutes before I tell her that my butt hurts and I need to apply some ointment to my "ring of fire" just to get off the phone.
Here's a funny, because I need a laugh as much as you probably do!!!
My kinda wedding topper!!!!
I'll be by visiting your sights shortly!!! I promise!
Hey, have you read about my challenge yet?????
Go here and get a thinking!!!!

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

My day under the black cloud.......

Good Lord oh Mighty! I just can't win or lose today. My humor has left me, my spirits have moved out and my mind is packing it's bags.........

Yeah...I need a few alcoholic beverages! To bad I have to train tonight for my big job at
Tar-jay! I'll be wearing the khaki pants, the red shirts (which I look horrific in red) and tennis shoes. But I will get the hell out of this house for awhile each day and I will speak to adults, different from my 40 conversations to my hubby each day! SWEET!

My morning started off fighting with Diva......AGAIN! You see, she hates jeans. Hates them, loathes them, despises them. As I was looking through the hundreds of dollars I have spent on her wardrobe that she doesn't where I realized that all her jeans were missing. I asked her, she played dumb! After her little slumber party that destroyed her bedroom and looked like Toys-R-Us threw up in there, I noticed behind her dresser, were the missing jeans. The little shit hid all her jeans in hopes that she would never have to wear them again. I have taken everything this child loves away from her. I have grounded her numerous times, I have taken friends away and all fun family activities. Nothing works for her stubborn little ass! I lost my temper this morning. I made her cry before school, before a big test in Math that she has been struggling in anyway (converting measurements, pure, utter HELL!)

Then as I was headed into the city to do some quick faxing for my husband (he was on the road) I cried the whole way! I felt like a piss poor mother, I felt like Satan, I felt like I was losing a war! I cried, and cried, and cried! I almost went and picked her up from school just so I could tell her how sorry I was and how much I love her. But I knew the consequences of double the homework would be like licking butt I just prayed for God to help me out some!

After I left my hubby's work I went on the hunt for khakis and red shirts. I came out with one red shirt and one pair of khakis. I also came home with 3 non-work outfits, purse and shoes. Then I felt even more guilty.

Then I had to run to Target b/c I had forgot to tell them that there are days that I cannot work. I had prior engagements and I cannot work. I was sure I would be fired. I was scared to talk to them but then I pulled myself together and spoke with the HR lady. She said "no problem" and I went on my merry way thinking at least one thing was good in my world today.

Then I got the phone call: from my freaking out hubby. Apparently, I faxed a proposal to all the wrong people, including his competition. I won't go into details b/c I really don't understand it myself but this was a bad, bad thing. So, since he was still on the road and an hour away I had to go back to the office and call every single person (50 or so) and tell them to pull the bid, it wasn't valid any longer. I lost a good job for my hubby. I live in the world of "Loserville". Population: 1

I bawled like a baby! Hubby got back to the office and gave me a hug and kiss and told me he wasn't mad at me.......but I am not stupid and know I didn't listen to directions well so yeah, it was all my fault. He asked to go to lunch, I cried and just wanted to go home so people cannot see my puffy, swollen eyes!!!! And I always get the hiccups and a migraine from crying so I feel fan-funking-tastic right now!!!! And I got a big ole bloody nose on the way home which I am sure ruined my shirt!!! It lasted for 15minutes of blood gushing all over the place and one napkin to mop it up. Finally, I said screw it, and shoved the napkin up my nostril. I got some great looks from that. Imagine it, puffy eyes, red face, hair a mess from me running my hands through it all day and a napkin shoved up my nose. I looked as good as I felt!

After getting home I receive more bad news, the dog puked on the floor, and I am having a totally fat day! My spanx are in the washer and I am bummed because I need those suckers to suck in the dough that sticks out all over my body! I have a rash from stress, I have had 10 panic attacks, I have taken my max dose on meds and am completely out of it, and I have until 10pm before I can drive my crying ass home to lay in bed and hope to sleep my problems away.

And I cannot drink! I cannot go to work drunk, especially when I am wigging from my meds.
And I have no energy to vacuum up the dog hair that is in clumps around the house (thanks to the dogs fighting while I was gone). And I refuse to clean the bathrooms or do any laundry. I am so exhausted I could sleep with my eyes open!

I am pathetic!!!
I am a crappy mom!!
I am a crappy wife!!
I am a crappy person!!

I want my daddy! I want my mommy! I need my blog!

And we are going to have more snow forcasted into our days. I could write so many cuss words here I would need to use a brillo pad to wipe out my dirty mouth!

Sorry for being in the dumps........sorry for being unhappy and ridiculous....sorry for bringing you down!!!!

I won't post until my humor comes home and my mind unpacks!!

Sunday, March 16, 2008

The smartest kid in the planet........

My daughter is so philosophical. She is a genius, pure genius. She thinks things up that no other has probably ever thought of. For instance: tonight as I was snuggling in bed with her she asked me "Mom, if you were a turd, would you rather be a floater or a sinker?"

I was stunned with the thought she put into this! She would like to be a floater, so that she can "keep" her head above the water.

This proves that she is a thinker, and she will achieve so many things in her life!
She is also the most sentimental girl I have ever seen. She is attached to everything. We were trading in a car one time and she didn't want us too because "this car has so many memories for me!" She rolled some tears and protested! She was devastated when we (her parents) didn't allow a 9yr old to make the decision for us!!!
Today, she told me that she names her poop! Yep, she names it! And she gave birth to a very large one today that she named Bill. Her words were "I'll miss Bill, I'll always remember him!"

What a sweet, loving angel of a girl I have! She wears her heart on her sleeve!!!!
She is rather upset with her father though. He has been in a fowl mood that has required me to cut him off until he decides to be happier. Diva told him as we were eating Chinese "Hey dad, why don't you curl into a ball......that way you could be a crab roll!" I laughed at her remark, her father pouted! We didn't care much though!

So, please don't hate me because my daughter is so intellectual. Remember her name: Diva! You will see her winning the Noble Prize someday!

Don't forget my challenge! You want a picture of my knockers, signed and autographed by me??? You better get on it! I've had lots of requests for these suckers!!!!

Oh, Happy St. Patty's Day! I will wear no green today in hopes that I do get pinched! Yee-haw! I did celebrate this weekend because I am Irish and all, so here is a picture of me "getting my green on!"

We had a slumber party of girls this weekend. That was fun (sarcasm)! As I was eavesdropping, I heard them talking about boobs. They all want big boobs! Nice!!

(notice the token boy, he's our neighbor that loves to play with a bunch of girls!)

And I did go skating this weekend and I'm pretty sure my ass crack has a bruise that looks like a wheel b/c when I fell (one of the many times) right on the wheel and my "hole" was more like a target. If you want to see a grown person cry, this would do the trick! I'll be sitting funny for a few days!!!!!

Watch out for those Leprechauns.......some pinch pretty hard (me!)!!!

Peace out friends! Don't forget to think of your questions for my challenge! Help me out!

Friday, March 14, 2008

Here we go......

I am certainly going to be famous someday people!

Famous for my great sex advice! I am going to make all couples so happy that I will go down in history like Abe Lincoln!

I am a Sex Diva.....hear me moan!!!

I'm ready for some questions. I need my bloggy friends, the ones that I love and adore, to help me out! There will be a treat for you if you help!

First: You need to go to and ask some questions. It will be confidential and you should all know me well enough by now to know that I will not judge your questions and I will not think anything less of you. You really should know that by now!!!!!

Second: Get your friends involved. Give them this email address and tell them to ask a question (or two or three or a hundred). But they need to state that you sent them. You were the one to help out your friends with their sexual tensions! Seriously, one little post about this would help out a ton!!!!!! Please support me!

So think about it.....have you ever had a question where you wanted to ask someone, you wanted to see if others were in the same predicament with sex, but you were too ashamed or embarrassed to ask! Then you need to ask me! All questions will be anonymous of course. I will be the only one reading my email.

If I don't know the answer to your question, trust me, I will find out!

And when I have enough questions, I will post the answers everyone can benefit.

But I need some serious questions. It could take days, months or years. You will not be disappointed with my answers......I promise.

The person who sent the most friends my way will win this!
An 8X11 picture of my pillows. I will sign in and put it in a nice frame. ( I may photo-chop out the double chin though! Just isn't attractive!)
It may not be worth much now, but when I am famous you could totally sell this on ebay for some serious coin. It could be worth a trip for your family if you get enough money from it!
Help a lady out who is trying to make a career out of her favorite pastime, SEX! It will be fun!!!
Love ya guys! Please help an aspiring sex educator out here! I need you!!!!

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Redneck Retards!

There's been a lot of post out there about how rude, inconsiderate crudballs make ridiculous remarks to people who are simply minding their own business.

I can be honest here, because that is what I am, honest. I have probably been one of "those" idiots before. I have ate crow more then beef! Seriously, I should have feathers sticking out of my mouth by now!

However, I can honestly say that the "want-to-be cowboys" that have probably killed off all their brain cells by sniffing John Deere diesel fuel are the crudest of all. Their pick up lines are as lame as "Can I take you to Hawaii and "Lay" you?" or "Your outfit would look better crumbled on my floor!" They think by dancing a little jig in front of your table while a good song is on is hot when in all actuality I would rather eat toenails for a snack then to look at the redneck dancing. I have considered stabbing my eyes out with a toothpick before.

And then if you do get the pleasure of talking to them and smelling their hot garbage breath, you realize that they are quite dumb, blunt, retarded or all of the above. It's like my vagina just sucked the smart right out of him. Or maybe the boobs did, it doesn't matter, because they instantly becoming mumbling morons. These yoo-hoo's are very abundant in my small town. They are quite simply, shit eaters! They really need to be publicly emasculated!

And might I add that selling sex toys in this small town spreads like an infectious disease (no punt intended).....but it's always the ones that find out that you wish didn't! The ones who want to argue with you that their pecker is much better then some "toy!" and even offer to show you! Ack!!! That makes me throw up in my mouth a little!

Anywho, the reason for this "rambling-doesn't-make-much-sense" post is that everyone of us have said a few things that made us stick our smelly feet into our mouths a time or two......I have been "that" person who asked a larger lady when her baby was due when in fact, it was just a fat roll. Yep, my face crater has caused me awkwardness before, imagine that!

But some people just need to have a muzzle because they are just too freaking dim-witted to realize their short comings!!!

That's my thoughts anyway!!!

Here's a funny picture now! Enjoy!

(Redneck Fire Extinguisher)

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

She is...........

the one who drives me crazy..............

a dirty little pig............

the one who dances all over my heart.......
is a rebel................

her mommies best friend.........
the sweetest girl that I've ever met..........

a D.I.V.A..........

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Oh Happy Day!!!

My ordinary day for a crack like me!!!

First I go to my hubby's work to do a few things. My friend texts hubby (because she is a texting freak!)

Friend: "How was your meetings last night?" (Hubby is doing a study for allergies as he has terrible does we are hoping for a cure all!)

Me: "Texting my hubby again, you texting whore!"

Friend: "Damn It! Use your own phone! Are you coming to apply at Target today, bitch face?" (typical for us to call each other names, in a playful manner of course and I have been needing in a bad way to get out of this house while Diva is in school b/c I am slowly dying of boredom!)

Me: "Bite me slut butt! Yes, I will finally come to apply! I'll see you soon!" (hell yeah, my favorite store in the universe and I can get a discount!)

Friend: "I will bite you if you want me too!!! Hurry up and get here!"

Me: "Why, so you can have text sex with my hubby?" (Kidding of course!)

Friend: "yes"

* I talk to hubby for 15 more minutes explaining to him why I want a job! He is supportive but hopes that it doesn't interfere with Diva!

Friend (texting again): "Is she there?"

Me: "Yes......I'm still here! You are so demanding!"

I leave my hubby's work, the whole time he's rolling his eyes seeing visions of Target going to hell with us two working together! While driving, "Shut up and drive" comes on the radio. It is 50 degrees here and I have hot flashes so my window was partly down. I turn the radio up and start jamming out! Singing as loud as I can, making up my own dance moves. What?? You didn't know I was a choreographer??? I am at a stop sign and slowly turn my head to see a gentlemen staring at me like I was a crack whore! I innocently smile, and roll up the tinted window.

Go to Target, pick on my friend and her gay friend that works there! Gay friend escorts me to the computer to put in my application. I lecture about safe sex and why it is so important during our stroll! He laughs at me, of course, used to me being a "mom!"

Get a job at Target that is flexible with Diva's schedule! Well, I have the job pending a drug test! Soooooo.......I go take the piss test. Have you ever done this??? You have to pee in a cup, cannot flush and cannot wash your hands until the nurse re-enters the bathroom. Okay, I have to piss like a horse and have to aim the stream into a cup! Of course, I piss all over my hand. Use toilet paper to wipe up my hands, the cup and the floor! Don't ask!!!!

Do you know how gross it is to piss on your hand, use only toilet paper to wipe up the urine, pull up your pants and open the door. Opening up the door knowing that other people have peed on their hands as well and was forbidden to wash their hands too. So, I'm touching other peoples pee as well. Now I'm gagging. The nurse comes in, removes the blue tape that permits you from washing or flushing and unlocks the cabinet that holds the soap! The entire time, I am standing there dripping with urine! OMG!

I'm sure I passed the test as I have never done a drug a day in my life so I find this ordeal pointless!!! Damn it!

Now I'm home and have to vacuum and clean up a massive amount of dog hair b/c my dog's obviously had a party while we were gone. Oh, and apparently one of them partied so hard it made them have to shit downstairs. What a couple of asses!!!!! They are on my list!!!

I'll be by later to visit some blogs! For now, I need to clean up hairy shit!!!
Oh Happy Day!!! :-)

Monday, March 10, 2008

My blog friends unite!!!!

Alright, hot damn it! I want to meet you all! I want to party with you all, drink some margarita's and laugh all night long! I want to party like a teenager with a fake I.D.

Here's what South Dakota has to offer! Wannabe cowboys who wear the 10gallon hats and drive Chevy Cavilers (their fat heads with their fat hat's barely fit and they drive with their head sideways!), women who wear clothes that are 2X's too small for them, lots and lots of corn, even more cows, crappy roads that will give you a hell of a ride if you are in the backseat drunk, it's just like Disney World! We also have waterfalls, yep, waterfalls! It's beautiful and I love being there but I must warn's not Niagara Falls or anything! If we drive 6hrs from my home we can go see the President heads carved inside a mountain.....that would be fun! Oh, did I mention the invigorating smell of cow shit??? Oh, Oh, we can ride a horse if you want! Yee-Haw! And if you come at the right time, you can come on the Lawnmower Poker Run that my little town does every year!

Granted, I do live near a big city, or big for us! We have malls, entertainment, bars, bars, bars! Nice restaurants and in those restaurants we have bars!!! And we do have an airport so you can all just fly if you want! And we have big planes! So no puddle jumpers (well some, but not all!)

Do you like corn??? Well, do ya?? Cuz we got plenty of corn! And I think we have more corn around here then most states cuz when the town shares a pair of dentures that only have a few teeth; corn isn't the most popular vegetable! Unless someone cuts it off the ear for ya!

So come join me! Did I mention that we all consume a ton of alcohol because we really don't know what else to do??? We do have museums and theaters, if that is your thing!

Just don't be disturbed by all the toothless people, cuz they can't bite you! The may try to "gum" you, but it won't hurt any!!! Promise!!! If you are a dentist, you could make a killing here!!!

(property of the town I live in!)
Coming soon......
A post all about how my Diva is being all sorts of pre-teenish and has been threatened to be grounded back to the uterus (I would need to find a donor and all because I don't have my womenly parts anymore.....any takers?) Yeah, it's been real fun around our abode! Her mouth, ohhh that mouth! She is two shakes away from sitting with Lava soap in that face hole! My patience is worn so thin it's bleeding! I'll tell you all about her consequence chart based on a strike system.....5 strikes and your out! Today is Monday, a new beginning, and the kid already has 3 strikes! All within a few hours! I love that kid with every ounce of my being however, I don't like this little person that has replaced my sweet, loving, adoring baby girl! And I'll also write about how she is in 4th grade and already wants to wear makeup to school and shave her legs and pits! And might I add that she is very concerned about growing hair "south of the belt." Yeah, she is freaked about having hair in her part that pee. And I'll write about how she found out about sex in 3rd grade from an older girl on the playground! So, we have had talks about things that this watery eyed mother didn't want to talk about so soon! If my child didn't purposely aggravate me, I would so be homeschooling. However, at least she is telling me about her conversations (The boy puts the part that pees in the girls part that pees! Nice, eh?). Since I already pretty much just wrote about this, I guess maybe there won't be another post! We'll see what drama tomorrow brings!!! It's a whole new "full of whines" day!
Good day dear friends!!!!

Sunday, March 9, 2008

My hero hubby!

Have I ever told you that my hubby is an Assistant Fire Chief (EMT) before???

Well he is, and I'm super proud of the guy!

Have I ever told you that his pager has the loudest beeps and probably sounds something similar what a dog hears when you blow the dog whistles. At first, when I wasn't used to the high pitched noise, I used to jump so high I would hang from the ceiling! It gave me heart palpitations quite often and a few times I thought it was me that needed the defibrillator!

Now, I sleep right through the thing. I am a sound sleeper, that is for sure! Once I'm out, I'm O.U.T. My hubby has come home and woke me up a few times needing to vent about a bad call and I'm usually in a como like state, and the whole time wondering where the hell he was! Crazy!

And then there's my emotional Diva, who cried when we traded in a car because "this car holds so many memories for me!" There was a really, really bad call that involved a small child who unfortunately, didn't make it! Hubby was the EMT (one of them) that worked like a mad dog to save this child. It was emotional for him and after the call he just needed to come home and cuddle Diva. She laid an egg! Freaking out to needing nothing short of a Prozac drip! She was confused as to why her dad was crying, and was more upset that the child couldn't be saved. Then hubby had to leave to debrief, and I was stuck calming down a very irrational 8yr old. Let's just say children's NyQuil was my saving Grace that night!!!

Tonight, there was another call that required a helicopter ride and Diva simply said "Mom, I need to pray!" At first, I was rendered speechless with the NyQuil in my hand ready to poor it down her throat and then I scratched my head and wondered if she was doing illegal drugs of some type and then I called my friend and asked her if I should be concerned of alien abductions and then I smiled! Thinking "Wow.....Diva is growing up!"
And then she prayed, eyes closed, head down, hands folded pray! And then she shit a egg again! Damn!!!!!
So hubby is a bonofide cool boy! He takes it very serious and is great under pressure. Well, unless the pressure is coming from his demanding wife, then he crumbles in despair!
Anyway, here are some cool pics that I have played with on picnic! Diva picked out the picture.

She had more fun doing this then me!!!

And here is what happens at the fireman's dance when you have a nice big rack! People get the sharpies out and write fun things on my melons! How rude! :-)

Please pay no attention to the double chin! That wasn't supposed to be there....the turkey neck just sneaks up on me sometimes!

And here is me and my friend Stace

Ode to the rack again!!!
And here's a pic of my dance whore hubby (dances with anyone who is within reach!) and my cutie pootie friend!

Thanks for the support on my 100th post. I am going to take a fellow bloggy friends advice and do a sort of Q & A sex forum. It should be fun. I'm gonna get a whole new email address and all that fancy stuff so that we can do anonymous questions! I'm no sex therapist and I don't have a Phd behind my name but I am addicted to self-help books and I'm sure I have answers for all! Plus, you wouldn't believe the stuff my friends and strangers have asked me! Apparently, I'm easy to talk too!!!
Coming soon people...........

Thursday, March 6, 2008

How about my 100th?!

*take a deep breath and jump right into the crazy!*

1: I have had 3 concussions in my day! Once I was hit in the head with a cement ball (don't ask), 3 weeks later the same kid that threw the cement ball the first time and knocked me out threw a baseball (not at me, I ran in front of it....don't ask) and it hit me in the same bump, and gave me a worse or another concussion.....I confused the doc!

2: I wanted my name to be Penelope when I was a kid.

3: I want my name to be Gabby now.

4: I always try to name people's children for them. Most of the time people take my suggestions!

5: Because of the concussions, sometimes one eye is dilated bigger then the other eye. It happens a lot actually and freaks people out!

6: I jumped a moving train once, drunk, in a tight black dress with high heels on and a rose in my mouth!

7: I have never broken a bone! Amazing consider I biff it at least once a week!

8: I really don't like to cook and I once burned a can of corn! Lost a good pan outta that one!

9: I also burned mac and cheese (yep....threw the pan away)

10: I started a fire while making sausage.....I threw the pan out the back door into a snow pile. I threw that pan away again.

11: My mom usually buys me new pots and pans for Christmas!

12: I kill plants by drowning them. I am considered a "Serial Plant Killer"!

13: I pout!

14: I pout a lot!

15: I have a list ("Friends" lovers will understand this). Basically, it is a list of famous people that if ever given the chance, I could have guilt free sex with! My hubby has a list too!

16: Matt Damon is on my list!

17: So is Freddy Prince Jr. ("I Know What You Did Last Summer"...Married to Sarah Michelle Geller!)

18: So is Sponge Bog Square Pants!

19: If I had to be an animal, I would be a Llama, because I like to say Llama!

20: Did I mention that I think Matt Damon is hot????

21: I took 2 years of Spanish in High School and I can only count to 10!

22: I love the color Orange!

23: Have you realized that I have not accomplished much in my life by now???

24: I am not a vegetarian however, when I drive by cows I feel really really sad that I eat them!

25: I cannot stand people who pretend to be someone that they are not!

26: People who cause drama in their lives and then whine about it are idiots!

27: I cannot do math!

28: I fansy myself as a badass!

29: I was a cheerleader in High School.....and a damn happy one! Especially when my friends would slip me some alcohol in a Casey's cup!!! Go Team!!!

30: I have had over 30 surgeries in my life! Most same day surgeries....3 major surgeries. Kidney Surgery in 5th grade, C-Section 10yrs ago, Hysterectomy 2yrs ago.

31: I have bad kidneys!

32: People who have animals and then ignores them are assholes!

33: People who have children and then ignores them are even bigger assholes.

34: I hate doing laundry!

35: I am not organized. But my house is spotless.

36: I laugh every time someone says Uranus!

37: I went t-p'ing (toilet papering) just a few months ago! We used 2 Ply!!!! Oh yeah!

38: I have stole pumpkins before....I won't tell you when I did that though! You might think I'm immature or something!!! :-)

39: At a Halloween Party last year, me and a friend put a candy bar in their tub (If you've seen Caddyshack you will understand this), Vaseline on their toilet, rice krispies in their bed and a pair of granny undies with ketchup and melted chocolate (with peanuts)in them and hung them from the ceiling fan!

40: One time a group of me and hubby's friends broke into our other friends house and put everything from the living room into the kitchen, everything from the kitchen into the living room, ky jelly on their phones, a big huge toy in their bed, etc.

41: They tried to get us back, unsuccessfully!

42: I used to be a Wedding Coordinator! I hated Bridezillas and even worse, their mothers!!! Agggghhhh!

43: I got a sliver in my butt before from falling on a deck! My friend had to help get it out! It wasn't pretty!

44: I got smacked in the face by a ball playing volleyball, dodge ball, basketball, football, tennis, soccer, baseball, hot box and racket ball. I either got a bloody nose, fat lip, bruised, black eye or concussions from all these hits. I'm N.O.T. kidding either!

45: That's when I decided to be in dance!

46: I sprained my groin muscle in dance!

47: I am very accident prone!

48: We have a motorcycle, my parents have a motorcycle, my sister and hubs have a motorcycle, my in-laws have a motorcycle. We have fun!

49: I fell off the motorcycle once (it wasn't moving yet) after a drunken night! My friend drove me home in the car after hubby banned me from the motorcycle!

50: Are you still here???

51: I tried to cut Diva's hair once when she was a toddler. It took months to grow out!

52: Diva is very, very smart!!!

53: Diva's mom is not very smart!

54: I still look in the closet and check under the bed and I quickly open the shower curtains screaming like a lunatic and doing kung-foo after watching scary shows!

55: Oh alright, I do it every night!

56: Diva is a big chickenshit too!

57: I like to do this(.............)a lot!

58: If I were a cartoon character, I would be "Patrick" from "SpongeBob Square Pants"

59: I watch kids shows even when Diva isn't home! My favorite is "The Suite Life of Zach and Cody"

60: Whew; I can count to 60! Oh Snap!!!!

61: I walked around a mall with my dress tucked into my undies for an hour! It was Great!!!

62: I live for Fountain Diet Coke!!!! I cannot live without it! It's my Nirvana!

63: I was in an interview once with a fat, smelly toothless man one time. He spit while he was talking and it went right into my mouth. I gagged and left the interview telling him that I had the flu! I'm gagging right now!

64: My favorite saying is "Chill or be Chilled!"

65: I am stressed out 99.99999999% of my life!

66: I love my momma, but when someone tells me that I am acting like her, I lash out!

67: If I were famous, I would so N.O.T. have a blog! I would have my assistant blog for me!

68: If I were famous, I would make fun of the little people! :-)

69: This is my most FAVORITE number!!!!

70: I got partially hit by a car one time! I was standing outside of a bar when a car went by and slapped my ass with it's mirror. It didn't hurt, and I laughed really hard! It was Funny!

71: My daughter says "mom" over 1000X's a day! "Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom" It bugs the shit out of me!

72: I wish Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt would adopt me! I'm scared of the dark though so I would have to sleep in the bed next to "DADDY!"

73: I accidently peed on my hubby before! Excuse me!!! I sneezed and I HAVE BAD KIDNEYS! Geesh!

74: I love blue pens and write so much prettier with blue pens!

75: I fell into a garbage can full of dog doo! My mom laughed so hard she nearly messed herself! My hubby laughed so hard he did mess himself! I was pissed!

76: I want to work at Disneyworld!

77: I want to move to Florida!

78: Or Hawaii

79: I broke my butt before. Well at least it felt like it when I fell down the stairs at my High School! In front of the school stud muffin!

80: I did a butt spin in my cheerleading outfit at a school dance. I was the center of attention!!!

81: I watched a 9yr old girl die. Actually, I pulled the oxygen off of her to allow her to meet Jesus. It was my friends daughter, who had a metabolic disorder that rendered her a vegetable (was a perfectly happy normal toddler until this monstrous disease destroyed her!) My friend was single and we new the oxygen was keeping her alive, she didn't want to do it herself and she didn't want anyone who didn't love her daughter to do it so I was asked! It was the hardest thing I have ever done!

82: My daughter has the same middle name as this angel. I wanted to keep her alive some how!

83: I had a dream that my Grandpa was going to die. A very weird dream that lasted for a minute. When I woke up, my Grandpa had died of a severe heart attack!

84: I was confirmed as a Catholic but when I was old enough I decided it wasn't the right place for me. Diva was baptised a Methodist at a church I truly loved and sad I had to move away from!

85: I played the violin! I sucked so bad that my hound dog would whine every time I practiced! My dad used to tease that his ears bled!

86: I was a Square Dancer when I was a child. My parents were in a group and I just sorta learned it and invited into the group. I was the youngest Square Dancer in the state! I had to quite after a year when they decided kids couldn't join any longer! I was really good!

87: 3 years ago I had Spinal Meningitis! It was the worst headache ever! I was in the hospital for 3 days! Luckily, it was the viral which means that it wasn't contagious and wasn't too serious.

88: My sister had the bacterial Spinal Meningitis when she was 8yrs old and almost died!

89: My sister and I fight a lot but she is one of my Best Friends!

90: I have a lot of friends. Friends that have been with me since 1st grade and up! I not only have a lot of friends, I have the best friends EVER!

91: I was engaged once before my hubby! I was young and stupid!

92: I am terrified of snakes! Terrified! I cry and scream if I see one! And every snake is considered a King Cobra too me!

93: I love Elvis! My favorite show of his was "Blue Hawaii!" I have been to Graceland and stood next to the pink jeep that was in the show! I was so happy!

94: I never finished college. :-(

95: I saw an autopsy on a 2yr old little girl that died of choking on a piece of chicken. I was going to be a nurse. I had to leave several times to throw up and didn't eat for days after that! It was terrible!

96: I am a CPR Instructor for the American Red Cross. I also teach First Aide, AED, and babysitting classes.

97: The worst job I have ever had was selling Kirby vacuums. Don't ask!

98: My other nick name (other then Pissy Krissy) was "Yoda." I'm short and wise. Okay, just short!

99: I'm scared of death!

100: I got pooped on by a bird while on the motorcycle. It hurt like a mother f'er!

That's it! There you go! All done! Can I get a "Whoop-Whoop?"

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Men Vs. Women

5 Biggest Turn Off's for Women!

5) When a man puts his hand over his butt, farts, and then quickly sniffs his hand!!!

4) Fluffing the covers after he farts is not considered fore play!

3) Standing naked by the bed and twirling his whacker around yelling "Woo-Hoo!"

2) Picking noses, clearing snot out of the throat or staring at the tissue after blowing their nose!

And drum roll................................

1) Proclaiming he is the "King of Shit" after describing how big his loaf was in the toilet!!!!!

Gotta love a man that feels very comfortable around you!!!!

Hey guess what....I'm almost at my 100th post! I guess I have a lot to say!!
My 100'll have to see about that one!!! :-)

Monday, March 3, 2008


My post yesterday was about everyone in general. The hate mail, and then people who make their lives drama but insist on blaming anyone and everyone else for their disruptive lives! It's typical! But those uglies are not going to hurt me, like I said, they may start something but I'll finish it for them!!!

Today, it's my daughter that is causing me to take my meds with a keg of alcohol. She is such a little shit sometimes!

Yep, this little cutie is causing me distress. Look at her in the above picture.......she thinks she is soooooo cool! She's bellying up to the bar like she doesn't have a care in the world.....
She is a drama queen to the max people! She whines about the silliest of things, she cries about the smallest of things and she exaggerates the ant hills into mountains.

She is also the sweetest thing since gummy worms. She makes me smile and laugh every day! She wears her heart on her sleeve and is a very affectionate, bubbly girl. She is not a girly-girl though.

My child picks her nose, takes books into the bathroom with her and sings while she doo-doo's, farts louder then a ogre, does the covered wagon on her friends, etc........

She has always been this type of girl. My dad was a fire fighter and his fellow firefighters loved, loved, loved my daughter. They would all sit in their recliners and have a farting musical. And they would call me to bring over "Stink" (her nick name) so she could play the tune as well. They encouraged her to pick her nose, pull their fingers, and use the word "poop" in every other word.

Again with the face, the face that tells her momma that she is plotting her revenge on me! We were at my parents house here and she was holding her butt cheeks together because she had to poop. But Rugrats were on and she wasn't about to miss her favorite show. So, Papa spoiled her like always and pulled the potty out to her! She sat there for a half this!

My sister captured my daughters true self in this picture. Her finger was and still is always up her nose! I do have pictures of recent nose pickings but I don't want to embarrass her that much!

But yet, this is the image I like to think of when I think of my Diva!!!

*Note....the horns were covered by the halo! :-)

My ass hurts!

Yep, but not from the reason most dirtied minded folks like myself would think of first! Nope, my ass hurts from everyone chewing on it all the time! I must smell of Alpo b/c all the dogs are coming after me now! *Roof-Roof*

You would think that I would enjoy my flab being gnawed off, but really, I don't likey so much!!!

You would think that when I pitch a bitch fit people would say:

"Okay, she's really wigging, maybe we should step away from the girl with the head on fire!"

Noooo.....stupidity must be in the air. It's like influenza and everyone is catching it!

I won't bore your pretty little brains with why my ass is like a tender juicy steak but I will tell you that I've got one foot in the river of "I'm-going-to-kick-your-pansy-ass-so-hard-your-ancestors-will-feel-it-in-their-graves!"

I feel like I'm drowning in the sess pool of life, and I'm the giant turd floating at the top! Sorry, that was raunchy! Even I went Ewwwwww..........

Thanks for all the comments about lovin' my honesty and adoring my screwed up life! I really appreciate that! I really appreciate the attention and support! I appreciate your support even more then my boobies appreciate a good bra! REally, it means that much to me! REally, REally, REally means a lot to me!!!

But if you think I'm gonna sit back and allow filth to ruin my days you are mistaken! I will wipe the filth out and throw them in the trash b/c; well; I'm a vindictive bitchy and I like to cause havoc on my victims. They will wish they didn't live in this part of the world and may pack it up and move like the little rodents they really are! Hmmm...I sorta cheered up a bit by just thinking about it! I should be a bitch more often!

But this little issue isn't over until this guy can see his pecker again!
*I think I'll skip the beer tonight*
*and do some sit-ups*
I'll be back soon with a chipper attitude again!