Monday, September 29, 2008

My questions not answered...

I have been working my fingers to the bone. They are red, bloody stumps as we speak. My keyboard is on fire. I set out on a quest and accomplished.....NOTHING.

I've been searching the web for some different ways to handle stress instead of popping a pill every couple of hours. Not that I care if you pop a pill all the time however, I don't want it to be me always popping the pill. So I diligently worked my way through 400pages on google looking for some sure fire ways to control my panic, anxiety and sleep deprivation.

Some of the ideas sounded legit. I decided to try practicing deep breathing. I hyperventilated. I tried drinking tea. I gave myself a urinary tract infection. I tried rubbing pressure points on my body. I got bruised. I tried to find outlets like exercise or hobbies. I'm just lazy. I tried praying. God asked me to leave him alone for awhile so he can take care of other issues like war, the devil and sickness. I tried focusing my energy on other activities. I buried myself in my bedroom cleaning and threw up because I was so crapping hot. And then I popped a couple of pills. I tried cooking and burned my arm. It is a festering blister now.

You see. It doesn't work. For me. Yet, I am really happy.

Yes. I only gave it a few moments to try these techniques and then gave up. I give up easily. Go ahead, call me a quitter because I will call you fat. Just saying.

So you see. I'm a happy pill popper. I'm not gonna lie. Stress is like a heavy cloud that dangles over your head. Especially if you are like me and never, ever stop stressing. There were days that I was so consumed that I couldn't even get into the shower. I would physically be exhausted. So I turned to a pretty little pink pill that makes stress a little more tolerable. It doesn't take away stress. But I don't get consumed in all my gloom I have moments. There are dark moments for me and my family. Like when I am pissed and I am flying off the handle and then turn on a dime and start sobbing. Actually, now that I think about it....their facial expressions are comical. They look like I just shot them with a stun gun or something. Even the dogs quietly move into a different room when I am on a rampage. Luckily, it only takes a brief second for me to apologize and smother my family with kisses when I fly off the handle. But I do fly off the handle. Ask my husband. He will be happy to tell you. He likes sympathy since he doesn't get any from his bitch of a wife. And he's a drama king too.

But I am a pill popper and I like it. If I was stranded on a desert island, all I would need is diet coke (fountain preferably), my pills and Qtips. I would be A-okay. And bug spray. I hate bugs. And a good looking cabana boy would be acceptable too. Actually, I would like to be stranded on a desert island with all the above things.

Especially a hot, sultry, sweaty, tan cabana boy who resembles Patrick Dempsey carrying a fountain diet coke in one hand and my pills in the other. Oh my.

Excuse me. I have a date with my shower.

P.S. I love being happy :-)

Thursday, September 25, 2008


I am thankful for so much. I know I can be whiny but truly...I am thankful. Obviously, my family, friends, dogs, teachers, GOD, love and so on is top of the list always. But there are little reasons to be thankful for as well.

  • Sex Toys. Like you didn't know I would go there.

  • Dishwashers. Oh sweet Mary...I love my dishwasher.

  • Taco Johns. I worship Taco Johns. The grease is like the cherry on the top for me.

  • Magic Erasers. These miracle sponges amaze me and I cannot clean without them.

  • Medication. I can't even fathom how sucky my life would be without my meds.

  • Fountain Diet Coke. My nirvana.

  • Socks. To cover nasty swamp paddles.

  • Yoga. Breathing. Relaxation.

  • Taco Johns. Mmmmm....greasy. greasy. tacos. I know I already mentioned this. I'm craving it now though so it was worthy of a second bullet.

  • T.V. Shows like Ghost Whisperer. I get lost for an hour watching Ghost Whisperer.

  • Football. I love football. Especially my green team: The Packers!

  • Calculators. I can't remember 6 X 7. I hate math.

  • Spanx. Anything that helps suck in the tummy is a good thing.

  • Toothpaste. I cannot stand raunchy breathe.

  • Tylenol PM. For those nights that sleep is a challenge.

  • Qtips. So I can itch the ear drum.

  • Karaoke. I suck but I have the best time.

  • Garage Sells. I love cheap shit.

  • At home drug tests. I will stock up on those when the time comes.

  • Phone. I should have it surgically attached to my ears.

  • Fans. I wouldn't sleep if it wasn't for my trusty fan.

  • America's Funniest Home Videos. Who doesn't love this show??? Cracks me up.

  • You Tube. So I can watch clips of America's Funniest Home Videos. (click to watch funny shit.)

  • Dancing with the Stars. Max is back this year and looking hot as ever and of course the little cutie Mark Ballas (even though he never looked cuter then when he was with Sabrina, Cheetah Girl Extraordinaire and I Kasharidian!)

And lastly I am thankful that my husbands chest pains are gone. That my medications make me less sad and depressed and in need of a straight jacket and I'm really excited for Wheel of Fortune because I am a POWERHOUSE at that game and want to be a contestant on the show someday (friends week because I don't wanna do it alone!)

This is my Thankful blog. I do like being thankful. And as always...I am thankful for you, and you, and you, and you, and you.........

Love you all....


My computer went on the blitz for a brief time until my uber great husband formatted it. Luckily, he saved the billion of pictures that I am to lazy to store on our external hard drive. Not so luckily, I lost all my favorites and all my email addresses and all my sanity.

So, now I am clicking on all the blogs I remember by heart, finding all my super doper friends from their blogs and adding them as favorites. Next, I am trying to remember 10 million passwords to get into different sites. Then I am going to have to download Microsoft back onto my computer so I have spell check on my emails. Then I am going to try to add as many emails into my contact list. Then I am going to stick my head in the toilet and give myself a swirly.

I do not have patience. I have no patience So while my husband and daughter were missing tonight I started the process of the above list and I must say....I started talking to myself in tongues and swearing like a mother "f"er. And then I just start giggling uncontrollably just to start crying ten seconds later. Then I jumped up and down, kicked the dog, sucked my thumb and finally took 2 Tylenol Pm's so I will knock my crazy ass out.

And then I came here to vent my frustrations and to re-read this post to realize that I am a whacko. LOL!

My favorite quote of the day:

"A friend sees your first tear, catches the second tear and kills the motherfucker that caused the third tear!"

And so you know, if you want me to break some knee caps of the person that has caused you tears.....I am your ho'. Yes. I am that kinda friend. :-) And I also find funny pictures that make you laugh. Cuz I'm nice like that.

I will be pissing with my personal computer issues all weekend and by Monday of 2010...I should be finished.

And NO....this is not me. I've been fortunate enough that there was never a camera around when I pissed down my leg. Okay, there is this one picture but I will never see it!

NOTE: I just realized that I could go through my comments and find all my favorite blogs. I am such a stupid bitch. *sigh*

Second Note: My daughter asked my husband if she could wash away puberty. Bwhahahaha!

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

You know you are cool when....

  • You sing (or yell really loud to a good song) in your car only to realize the windows are open and people are staring.

  • You trip on a old person's wheelchair because you were in a big hurry and they were not moving fast enough for you.

  • Your husband farts in your face with your mouth open.

  • You stand in front of the mirror and run in place to see how bad the Buddha's bounce up and down.

  • You forget your daughter's friends are over doing homework and you fart loudly and don't realize they are laughing at you until one of them turns green.

  • You carry a large bag of dog food down the stairs and then realize the bag was open and is only half full by time you make it to it's place.

  • Strangers that only know you from other friends call you "Firecracker" or "WildOne" and they actually do not know your real name.

  • You gag loudly at a restaurant while eating lunch with a friend because you found a big piece of gnarly hair in your food that was clearly....NOT YOURS! *gagging now! Ack*

  • You tell your friend that you haven't talked to in a few months that you are pregnant and wait for their funny reaction.

  • Tell your daughters friends that if they don't stop driving you nuts you are going to hang yourself.

  • Get really cool bloggy awards from a terrific friend (Kel) that makes you all giddy inside when you read this:

Krissy @FirecrackerMom - She keeps it down to earth with no sugar coating life. A woman of amazing strength who raises her daughter, is a wonderful wife and juggles the mired of crap life deals her with a fight that I can only envy. She's there to make me chuckle (sometime throw up in my mouth) and plot revenge in the need arises. Thanks for being a friend!

Thank you Kel!

  • And laugh until you faint because of something like this:

Whatcha gotta say about this??????

Oh my goodness. I am shocked to say the least. I have been told by many poor saps that they are completely jealous of my husband. Why??? Because his wife (me.) likes sex and likes sex to be exciting and new. Not the same old routine of getting into bed, taking off your own clothes, discussing who will be on top this time, and then sleeping in less then 5minutes.

So I wonder what people would say if I told them that I tell my husband "no" sometimes too? I isn't often. But I do tell him "no!" I do get "Headache's" sometimes and I do miss having my period because it was a good excuse to have some peace.

Now granted. I am also the wife that has sex on a country dirt road in the backseat of the car and I have had sex on the slide in our backyard and I have had raunchy sex in the rain. Oh shut know you have too. Your just too shy to admit it.

But I don't always give in. I do like sex. I do like orgasms. I don't fake reason too when you know what you are doing. This means get your ass to Partygals and get a damn toy or some Love Potion #9 so you can also have some orgasms. Just saying. You can be me too.

But this jealousy comment makes me laugh. I never fancied myself as a person that someone else would be jealous of. Me??? Are you kidding? I don't have the brand new cars or the high dollar house or the expensive as shit wardrobe. I am the one who paid off her cars and swore that I would have my uterus back in my body before I ever have another new car payment. That sucks. I don't need the super big ass house that cost over $1000 a month because I want a modest house so my money could be spent on fun things. I don't have the Armani wardrobe because I shop at clearance racks at Target or second hand shops. I have designer labels but I guarantee I did not pay full price for them or I am the proud second owner for the designer jeans. I am determined to pay off all our bills so we have money to blow. That is my 10yr plan. This is nothing to be jealous of.

So I was oddly proud to be a person of envy. Well, actually, my husband is the envied one and I am the one who looks like the SuperWife of the year. I kinda like that. I admit. I would much rather someone be jealous of me because I have a ass that you could bounce a dime off of and not an ass that has fat dimples, but I will take what I can get.

Now I am going to go tell my husband that he is the luckiest man alive and for that, he better buy me something damn good and not something off the clearance rack. Actually, I would take the DVD set of Ghost Whisperer which I just realized after reading this that I am a complete utter retard.


Wednesday, September 17, 2008

How to screw with your kid.....

Tell them you are going on a "camping adventure." Don't answer specific questions like "Do I get to miss school?" Skate around questions like we always do as parents anyway. No??? Okay, it's just me but whatever! Moving on!

Jump in the car fast. Go to your local sporting goods store. Once you are there, find the camping equipment. They will most likely think that you are shopping.

Take pictures. Pictures sorta seal the deal here. You'll know why in a minute.

Then go home. Without purchasing anything. And then drop the bomb. "That was a camping adventure. What? You didn't have fun? Sorry. I thought you would be happy. Gee, I guess I won't do anything special for you ever again." And when you get them the pictures for proof of your "camping adventure!"

Or you could tell them that you are going on a trip that has rides. Get them excited. They will think you are going to Disney World or some place fun.

Then take them to the mall and put them on the merry go round ride. This is really messing with their heads.

Don't feel bad about this. They mess with your head all.the.time. They will use guilt, tears, smiles, "I love Yous" and the worst........their puppy dog eyes. They are tyrants. They know that they should be grounded for putting your favorite shoes in the toilet ( daughter did this!) but they turn on the waterworks and suddenly, they are free. They have no conscious. It is time for us to get even.

Hello???? Is this thing on???? *tap, tap*

Am I alone on this?????

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Out of the mouth of MY babe....

How is it that kids know just what to say? Especially when you need it the most. I'm seriously the proud mother of a very sensitive, very sweet daughter.

Diva: "Mom, did you know that you are by far the coolest mom EVER?"

Me: "Thank you Stink, but I'm outta checks so you will get nothing more!"

Diva: "I don't want anything else, except another Webkinz, but that isn't why I told you that. I told you that because all my friends want you as a mom!"

Me: "I am not getting you another Webkinz. You just got one plus I just sold a kidney to buy stuff from your schools fundraiser. And Christmas is coming. But I'm glad your friends like me."

Diva: "Your a ROCKSTAR!!"

Me: "As are you sweetkins!"

note: I am sick to death of school fundraisers. I paid over $20 for a stupid little silicone thingy-ma-jig. R.I.D.I.C.U.L.O.U.S.

Earlier today Diva and her friend came rushing into the house.

Diva: "Mom...Mom....MOOOMMMM! I am going to be in a commercial. You know so-and-so's dad? Well, he asked for me to be in a commercial. I think it is because I am hot!"

Friend: "Hey...ME TOO! I'm hot too. And I am going to be in the commercial. Can you sign the release form for me?"

Me: "Diva. Stop being conceited. Friend. No. Your actual mom has to do that. You know her. The one that birthed you. She has to do it. And who the hell just asked you to be in a commercial and if it was a stranger I am going to beat your butts!"

Diva: "You know him. He gave me a card to give you. You are supposed to call him."

Friend: "Well....can you at least call my real mother?"

For the record, the story jived and I actually do know the dad and he is very cool and so not a molester or a child thief. And I did call friends real mom and she is going to be in the commercial too. A local commercial of course. We are not that damn cool.

I love being a mom. To my real daughter and to the numerous adopted children that have staked claim to me.
Note: I don't always look this shitty. And please ignore the fillings in my mouth. And Diva is now self conscious because she has a "Twisted Sister" tongue. Ha!
Extra note: I love you people. The comments and of course, the emails. I love you people. And to my sweet friends whom called me today to tell me to settle down, you are my life lines. Mwah!

The lesser of two evils.

Do I blog or do I carefully watch my husband as he is having chest pains?

Do I blog or do I secretly peep in on my husbands office to make sure he is alive?
Do I blog or do I quietly call the doctor and ask 10,001 questions?
Do I blog or do I not so quietly sob in my pillow because I am worried?
Do I blog or do I drug myself so I don't freak my husband out any more?
Do I blog or do I hold my stomach because it hurts from the stress?

Do I blog or do I quickly go for a brisk walk to clear my head?

Yep, I am consumed with fear. My husband will be fine. I am sure. The doctor is sure. I figure if I keep saying this I will convince myself. But I still worry, cry and weep because he is the rock in the family and he cannot be hurting. He tries to put on a brave face yet I can see the fear in his eyes too. Arm pains going into the jaw. Chest pains. High blood pressure. I am freaking out my friends. I do not like him hurting.
I'm only gonna ask for some prayers that he feels better and the doctor can fix him. And pray that I have enough strength to stay strong. Strength is something I lack daily. I am not strong. Actually, (shhhh...don't tell) I am a very weak person. It is true. You may all be thinking "yeah right!" but honestly, I am a very weak, weak person. Worry attacks me daily. I worry about things that cannot be fixed. I worry about "What if's?" and I worry about things that are plain and simply stupid. I am a worrier and I am very weak.

Know that I still visit your blogs even though I haven't commented like forever. I am so sorry. These "issues" have been sucking the life out of me and I find myself just not wanting to talk to anyone as I can break down in tears at any given moment. This past weekend my husband went on a very relaxing fishing trip with his best bud and I played the part of "freedom from worry" very well. I convinced those who know my deep dark fears that I was doing better, yet inside I was scared. I tell you this only because I need to find an outlet soon. The truth is, this blog was going to be private. I wasn't going to allow anyone to read my thoughts. I needed to find a safe place from all the issues I was having with my health. Then I realized that the greatest source of strength comes from those who choose to lift you up when you are down. People who are not selfish and will not judge and will walk with you when you are in the dark. People who have faith and love for God. People who will put aside their problems to give me an ounce of love. And even though I have never met you face to face, you always seem to lift me up. Thanks for that.
Okay, enough with the daytime Emmy stuff here. Happy thoughts! Must.think.happy.thoughts.

I visited a blog last night that had me chuckling. Ohmommy found a very fun spot that entertained me for awhile. I will share the pictures that made me snort.

This is my husband. I laughed until my stomach hurt. I am laughing out loud right now.

Wishful thinking. I know. But I love David. He is sooooooo fabulous. That body. Good Lord, that body. Look very closely at the tattoo and his cell phone hanging from his neck. It is me. Yummy.

My husband didn't like this picture. He doesn't like to think of her getting married. I laughed because she would wear something this 80's on her wedding day.

Mona Lisa had a few dirty secrets. She was secretly a man. Or she just had issues with facial hair and waxing wasn't an option back then. My husband isn't a very pretty woman either.

I really resemble Yoda more then Obie.

We call Stink "SuperS" sometimes so this is fitting. She looks like a dork. I love it.
I am printing these off and hanging them on the wall!
"Laughter is the best medicine for a worried soul" Firecrackermomma said that.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

You shall receive........

There are some questions that I haven't addressed yet. They are not interesting. Well, a couple could be interesting I suppose. I won't necessarily write the questions down, but you will understand the all the same.

I'm lazy like that.

I am saving my hard earned money for a Nikon camera. I like the Cannon camera's just as well however, the Nikon stole my heart. That's not to say that my ADHD won't set in and I won't change my mind a thousand times as I really don't remember WHY? I went with the Nikon.

My husband and I are currently on the Dave Ramsey's Plan for Debt relief. Actually, we have done it before. We paid off credit cards, my car payment, our Jeep payment, our motorcycle payment and a couple of other bills. But now since I have had a rough couple of years with health, we are working on the medical bills that I swear by all that is holy, we have been robbed. That's another problem that I don't want to speak about. Anyway, we do the envelope system. We pull out cash for all the things like groceries, extra activities, fun money, etc. It is in a effort to recognize where all the money goes. It is sometimes difficult as I see shoes that make my heart leap out of my chest, gives me orgasms and makes me itch to put them on my feet. Then I remember that I don't carry debit cards, checks or credit cards with me any longer and only have my cash that needs to last for two weeks. Then I break something.

I don't really like the taste of any alcohol. Honestly. I crave it at times just to ease my wound up nerves. Tomato beers are my fav followed by Miller chill or Boulevards. But I drink only socially and my beverage of choice is Diet Coke.

I love T.V. and I need it on. For background noise more so then anything. I do not worry about the effects it has on my family or my daughter. First and foremost, without tooting my own horn, my daughter is a very smart gal. She has excelled in school and continues to do so. As a matter of fact, she very rarely watches T.V. with the exception of Hanna Montana. The fact is, it isn't a temptation for her. Commercials suck. I admit. However, they can also open up a door of conversation. Speaking to her about situations. Sometimes difficult conversations that are hard to bring up unless you have a reason. I'm not saying that T.V. should be used as a babysitter and some people abuse it.

My dogs drive me nuts but they are sorta like my other furry children. But really, everyone that lives in this house drive me nuts.

I have huge issues with parents that cannot tell their children No every now and then. Cripes. And I get sick to death of parents that do not show their children what consequences are and then bitch when their kids get into trouble. Duh! And what the hell is with parents allowing their kids to hit them?????? I don't understand.

Diva is in a dance group that is very new age hip. The group is awesome and it has become a second family for us. I love it, she loves it and even the boring ole' dad loves it.

I'm hot. Not like sexy hot, but having a hot flash "hot!"

I am going to get another tattoo. On my other foot. So I don't walk funny and the weight evens out. Ha! I don't know when. The Dave Ramsey Plan shot that in the foot.

Time to make supper. More to come later.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

My big cause......

Please pray for a bloggy family that I love dearly. Kori and her family needs you to talk to God right now. I love Kori. I love her strength...her love...her faith...everything. I just love her. I will not give you the story because I sorta didn't ask her if I could link but because I have done it before I'm taking a wild guess that she will approve. But please take a few minutes to get on bended knee and also to stop by and give her support. on. This is for you and all the other people I know effected by Cancer.


I just did something that may or may not surprise you. But I need your help.

As most of you know, I am a big supporter of St. Jude. I have lost people to cancer and seen many more struggle to win their battle with cancer. I hate the word cancer. Nowadays it seems that anything you do can cause cancer. It is very scary. I also know for a fact that awareness and funding are the best way to fight the beast. Here is where I am going with this. Here is where you may think I have lost my marbles, unless you already think I lost my marbles years ago.

I am going to coordinate a Walk-A-Thon to which all donations will be sent directly to St. Jude for research. St. Jude is a phenomenal organization that has helped thousands upon thousands of children. I will not bore you with the details and I will just ask that if you don't know about St. Jude, then visit their website to find out more information. This Walk-A-Thon is scheduled for Oct. 4th. The first Saturday of the month. It may or not be cold. You never know with South Dakota weather. But I think walking in cold weather is simple compared to what some children endure while battling cancer. Would you agree?

Why am I doing this? Well first and foremost, my daughter will be highly involved with this. I want to teach her that we all have a job to do. We all have sacrifices to make to help others. That you can help with whatever cause you believe in the most. I want her to see her mother working her tail end off to help with a organization that I believe in the most. My hope is someday she will find a purpose in fundraising, whatever sort of fundraising she chooses. It is a life lesson and I think it takes a lot of heart. And I know my daughter well enough to know that she has plenty of heart. She is a sensitive child and I feel that this is the best way for her to showcase her sensitivity. St. Jude may be my choice of organizations but hers could be something entirely different as she grows older. And I want her to know that you can do this for any organization. Whatever it may be.

Does it make sense to you?

I need help though. If you feel so kind as to help, I am only asking that you will sign up to walk on that date. And to get a sponsor(s) to help with donations. It could be $5 or $500 dollars or more. The minimum will be $5. And you could sponsor yourself. I am going to organize the best Walk-A-Thon this city has ever seen. I am getting sponsors to help with cost and I am getting donations to hand over to St. Jude. If I have a big check, some of the proceeds may go to toys and such for the hospital to have for their patients. It hasn't been determined yet. And I am also considering finding one sponsor to fund a quick trip down there so Sheylee can hand the check over and visit the sick patients in which she just helped. That is very tentative right now though. I would much rather see all money going to them. We will see.

I hope you can all understand that I hate Cancer and I want it to go away. This isn't for glory as some insensitive people would say. This is just my way of showing my daughter and hopefully other children that we can all do our part. I have been involved in fundraising a lot. It is a calling if you will. It is invigorating and heartwarming. Please don't judge me for this, but help support my cause.

Anyone can help. Even if you live thousands of miles away. You can co-host a Walk-A-Thon at the same time in your area. If you would like to sponsor someone, you can do that to for as little as $5. I promise you that all your money will make it to St. Jude and that this Walk-A-Thon will NOT fund our trip down there if we decide to do that. I will find my own sponsors for that if we make that decision. I know the stereotyping people do, and I will promise you that I am in this for the purpose of teaching my daughter and doing my part. If you question this, please email me with your concerns and I will promptly get back with you.

So, will you do this? Will you help? Let me know what you want to do. If you want to walk or help with organizing. Anything counts.

I don't have information about where or times yet. I just started organizing this with the help of St. Jude. But I will guarantee that you will hear more about this in the next few weeks if you choose to hear about it. If you don't want emails or information, please reply to this email and I will take you off of the list. And the scariest thing of all is this will be in the paper and news. Just saying. This scares the tarnation out of me. If anyone would like to be my PR, we can work that out. :-)

Your support and understanding means alot to me. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Always crazy but always with a purpose,

Note: If you live far away and cannot be near to walk the walk, then you can consider being a sponser. Remember, it is $5 at the minimum. I will be speaking with a bank to have all the money directed to them. That way I am able to organize all money better. More information to come. And if you would like to do even more, then link this post to your blog. Let people know what I am doing. The more this gets out there the more sponsers I will have. Link it as often as you want. And I will also mention that if you would love to come walk with me, and make it a trip, I would be very excited. Just saying.. You know I want to meet each and everyone of you gals.

Wish me luck. I might need it. Remember, AWARENESS!

Oh My Lordy....

I have some big shit coming up. I am getting in over my head but I love, love, love it. You will have to wait for the big moment though. It is like waiting for the big release.

For now we are going to talk about getting old. Yeah, I know. Who the hell wants to talk about getting older? It bites. I know.

Especially when your back goes out more then you do. Or you knees buckle but your belt won't. And you need to get the size belt labeled "equator." When corn becomes a ticking time bomb for your intestines. When you sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

This is old. I wonder how long before I start growing hair out of my ears. Maybe I already do have hair growing out of my ears but I cannot strain my neck enough to see it. Oh hell!

I can clearly remember when the dead sea was only sick. When Kangaroo shoes with zippers and pockets on them were the coolest shoes ever. When I didn't have to worry about crapping my pants when I have gas. Too much? My apologies.

But the truth is....I like being in my 30's. I can still party like a super star but I also can stay in and watch a movie and both of them would be okay. Back B.C. (before child) I wouldn't dream of wasting a Saturday night watching a movie. No matter how hot the man I was watching the movie with was. Hell to the No. I was more interested in beer and friends and flirting. That was me. That was my life. But now I have variety in my life and perfectly content with it.

So, the 30's work for me now. And now I am going to go pluck my ears.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Soap Box Special.

Picture it.

Your child is sick. Your child is battling a disease that just the word itself instills a bone chilling fear. Everyone knows someone who has battled the disease or has succumbed to it. A sister, friend, mom, dad, brother, child, adult. Whomever it was. It was scary. It could be disheartening. Many parents visit their sleeping child buried in a cemetery instead of picking them up from school.

It does not discriminate. It does not choose. It is relentless. It is atrocious.

Are you scared? I don't think that my words are actually scaring you, it is the word....CANCER.

I know so many victims of this disease. I hate the word. Some victims are survivors and some lost the battle, but won the war. Children are suffering. Adults are suffering. Parents are suffering. Grandparents are suffering. As.I.Type.This.Post.Children.Are.Suffering.

St. Jude.

A word that gives hope instead of despair. That is determined to save babies, children, moms, dad's, etc. We all want to save them. Right? We all want a cure, Right?

Well, you cannot find a cure if you are not funded. I truly believe that we are close. I also believe that the government and insurance companies and hospitals are killing our chance of this. But that is another subject for another time and only a opinion.

For now, I want to discuss what we can do. What can we do to help a hospital that has a goal to fight this battle. I want to do something.

I have always wanted to do more. But how? I don't know. I have considered many things. But I have determined that the best way to help is to bring awareness to the subject. Cancer. Oh how I hate this word.

My grandma is an angel in heaven. She died young. She had cancer.

My friends beautiful daughter fought the disease. She did this with grace. She is a warrior. She survived. But not without a big, huge fight. Her parents are in fear still to this day. Praying that the beast isn't lurking in the dark, waiting to rear it's ugly head again. Living in fear. What a disheartening thought.

My aunt, my special aunt. The first person whom I told I was pregnant. She no longer resides on earth, but still lives in my heart. I miss her.

My neighbor. A mother of younger children. Battling cancer. She will survive. I pray she will survive.

You can help without digging into your pockets. How?

Call the local hospital or cancer center. Run in a Mile Race for cancer. Walk in a walk-a-thon. Be a respite friend to a parent of a sick child. Take over care while they go to supper with their other children or to even take a shower. They usually cannot leave their sick child. Your own children can help. We all have a job. There are so many ways. Help with fundraising. You can do it.

Awareness. Are you aware?

I'm off my soap box now. This is not a downer post. Don't even go there. Nobody likes to be told that cancer can attack anyone, your own family. But you must count your blessings and do a deed. It could be something so small and with as much effort as you choose to give. Anything and Everything matters.

I'm not feeling down, I'm feeling invigorated. I can help. I will help. I love people too much to not help and most of all I love kids way to much to sit around and hope someone else is helping.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

The Moment I lost my brains.....

NOTE: This post will contain rambling, bitching, cursing, and self pity. If you don't like it....don't "f'ing" read this post.

This morning I woke up to a crotchety back, a slimy snotty nose and a urge to kick some body's ass. This added on to a raging headache that has pounded in my brain for the last 2 days that nothing short of a hammer would help ease the pain. And not to mention that I have to go to the shitfuck place of Target to work with crabby ass senior citizens that bitch because I cannot return a item that is 3yrs old.

I decided to double my dose and make myself a pot of java to temporarily make me somewhat coherent after a sleepless night thanks to my butthole dogs that try to sneak their way onto the bed, coincidentally laying on my legs.

Let's just say this. I was in love with my coffee pot. I purchased it 3yrs ago for a pretty penny at the time. I would have married this certain appliance if it hadn't been that I already had a marital arrangement with my vibrator.

On to the point. Lately this appliance has been giving me some heartbreak. It leaks. It leaks all over the place. It is incontinent. If it were human, it would need depends. It is only 3 shitting years old. Nonetheless, coffee was the only thing saving somebody from getting a black eye. I pleaded with it before I pushed the button to turn it on. I begged it to not leak today because I would drop kick ass. It didn't listen.

This is what it looks like after I make a pot of sanity.

You can see the pieceofshithellhole coffee pot at the end of the picture. It is stuffed with paper towel to prevent leakage. I probably killed 400 trees by just sopping up this mess.

A side note: I had to wait for 5 minutes after seeing this mess to take a picture to prove to my husband that I don't do anything to the appliance to make it lash out at me like this. I had showered first and then came out to the kitchen to get my cup of peace. This is what I found!!!!

I was home alone this morning. My husband had a thingy-ma-jig to attend to at 5am and my daughter was at a sleep over. Oh, and the dogs are still sleeping on my bed.

The profanities that escaped my mouth were words that would make a sailor blush. I was torched. I was about to ignite into flames. I sat down with my head in my hands and breathed heavily. I was losing it.

I decided to write down a pro and cons list of the hysterectomy and subsequently the loss of my marbles. I needed to break out of the funk and put a smile on my face.

Then the commercial for abandoned or mistreated animals came on. The tears were rampant. I went from totally angry to bawling like an infant in a split second. I regrouped and tried to focus. Look at the bright side of things. See the light! Yada, Yada, yada. I knew I couldn't save all the poor animals from the abuse or feed starving children without winning a gazillion dollars so I decided to put all my energy into me. What makes me happy.

First and foremost I thought of these.

No longer do I have to insert a plastic tube of cotton up my Woo-Hoo! Satin applicator for quick comfortable application my ass. It doesn't work well when you are raw from your disgusting period anyway. Comfort fit?? What a wad!!! And lets not discuss the mothereffing diaper that you have to have between your legs as well. The pads and pantyliners are just as much torture as the plug.

I get to say goodbye forever to inserting a plastic tube into my vagina. I don't have to wear pads that have stickiness to adhere to your hair down under causing excruciating pain ever again.


And, And, And....I don't have agonizing period hell that crippled me into a ball on the floor or made me walk like I had a tube steak stuffed up my girly hole. Matter of fact, I gave all my women torture devices to my friends that still get visits from the bitch, Mother Nature.
I definately have a smile on my face now!

And suddenly I feel so much better.
Thank you for making it through the ramblings of a screwed up post hysterectomy bitch. And thank you for sticking with me while I piss through this trial in my life.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Hi Hoe, Hi Hoe, It's off to hell I go.....

I'm still sick. Let's get that out there right now so maybe more sympathy heads my way.

But I realized that I may just be heading down a road that ends in molten lava. I've gotta stop laughing at other people's downfalls. It isn't appropriate. It isn't Christian like.

Today my friend almost hit a man on a bike. I laughed. I cracked a rib. I stopped breathing. It was funny.

My husband tripped on his own two feet. I spit out my diet soda.

My dog ran into the steps nose first. I was rolling.

My daughter hit her head on the door. I giggled like a schoolgirl.

My other dog slipped on the hardwood floors. I snorted.

And then I sneezed and my head blew up. And I realized that it could be a sign.

And when my daughter laughed at me she got grounded and when my husband snickered he got cut off for a month.

And as they gallivanted around the house doing whatever they wanted while I coughed up my lung and cried like a sissy I came to the conclusion that they don't care that I am ill. And that they carry on with their normal lives and I am left picking up the slack. Then I yelled at them for not helping out and for them to rub my feet and they suddenly wanted to clean the house and cook supper.

And I realized that even though I am sick and going to hell....I still rule the roost.

Dance Puppets...Dance! :-)

Wednesday, September 3, 2008


Just when things start to calm down here I get sick. Wouldn't you just figure?

I have a nasty chest cold that has migrated it's way to my head which makes me gag on my phlegm. And I don't like gagging and throwing up. So, needless to say, I have been laying on the couch a lot with a raging headache. It is more fun then a needle straight through the eyeball.

I don't spend a lot of time on the computer as the glare irritates my nasty headache.

Do you feel sorry for me yet? I didn't think so. Hey, a girl has to try. God knows I don't get sympathy here.

My daughter cannot stop saying "Mom....MOM...MOOOMMMM!"

My husband cannot stop saying "Honey, HONEY, HHHOOOONNNNYYY!"

And I cannot stop saying "For the love of God.....leave me the HELL alone!"

The hellions!

So, who knows when I will start feeling up to par again. I wouldn't suspect for my luck to suddenly change but here's to hoping!!!

God, I need a stiff drink. I like things stiff.

Nice to know my hellacious cold hasn't dampened my sick deranged sense of humor, eh????

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Things that make me laugh....

There are lots of funny things in my life. My daughter. My husband. My dogs. My family. My friends.

I don't live a sheltered life by any means and I make sure that my daughter isn't sheltered or spoiled either. I don't want her to think that she can have whatever her little heart desires. I don't want her to have "Only Child Syndrome!" This is a goal that me and my husband share. We often tell our daughter "No" and we do not give in to her every need. Yes. My daughter is more blessed then some children. No. She doesn't hurt for much. But trust me when I say that she is not a spoiled rotten brat. Just a brat! Kidding...only kidding. Somewhat!

Anyway, we do know that certain things in life are going to cost us a few appendages and organs. For instance, college. Unless she gets a kick ass grant, we will pay the pretty penny. Wedding. We are the brides parents. We will carry more of the monetary responsibility. We are aware of this. However, if my child ever acts like the ladies from the show "Bridezilla's," I will kick her matrimonial ass all over the states.

But the show "Bridezilla's" is a show that makes me laugh out loud. It is so wrong in so many ways and I am often saying "Bitch" during the show but is wickedly entertaining. And when I watch it with my husband, he is extremely grateful for me after the show. My friend and I love to watch this together and then use our use of the word "Bitch" often..together.

But as much as I refuse to have my daughter become a "Bridezilla" I will outright die if she was ever a bride like this:

You cannot see it in the picture but she is wearing a camoflauge veil. And they had pigs in their wedding. And they went mudding for the reception. And they chased a pig lathered in lard.
This show is hilarious. My Big Redneck Wedding. Oh My God. I cannot believe this montrocity of a wedding. It is so raw. So odd. So Redneck.
"I wish I could lock your love in a locket, because you are hotter then a Hot Pocket!"
That was a famous wedding vow from a Redneck groom. And his wife lost her teeth before the wedding ceremony. And they were married under a arch of beer cans. And they were married in a Flea Market.
But this is very funny entertainment. I will admit. It makes me crack a rib from laughing. I cannot help but to wish I was there because it would be a party to remember. And they are usually happy. Unlike the Diva Bitch Brides from Bridezilla that usually have hundreds of thousands of dollars wrapped up on their big day. So, you gotta respect the Rednecks!
You gotta take a gander at these shows sometime. It makes you very giggly or makes your husband very grateful. Either way, you win!
And it doesn't take much to get a license to "Party Like a Redneck!"
I got mine! :-)
And why oh why is spellcheck not working again. I.Need.Spellcheck. Grr..