Sunday, September 7, 2008

The Moment I lost my brains.....

NOTE: This post will contain rambling, bitching, cursing, and self pity. If you don't like it....don't "f'ing" read this post.

This morning I woke up to a crotchety back, a slimy snotty nose and a urge to kick some body's ass. This added on to a raging headache that has pounded in my brain for the last 2 days that nothing short of a hammer would help ease the pain. And not to mention that I have to go to the shitfuck place of Target to work with crabby ass senior citizens that bitch because I cannot return a item that is 3yrs old.

I decided to double my dose and make myself a pot of java to temporarily make me somewhat coherent after a sleepless night thanks to my butthole dogs that try to sneak their way onto the bed, coincidentally laying on my legs.

Let's just say this. I was in love with my coffee pot. I purchased it 3yrs ago for a pretty penny at the time. I would have married this certain appliance if it hadn't been that I already had a marital arrangement with my vibrator.

On to the point. Lately this appliance has been giving me some heartbreak. It leaks. It leaks all over the place. It is incontinent. If it were human, it would need depends. It is only 3 shitting years old. Nonetheless, coffee was the only thing saving somebody from getting a black eye. I pleaded with it before I pushed the button to turn it on. I begged it to not leak today because I would drop kick ass. It didn't listen.

This is what it looks like after I make a pot of sanity.

You can see the pieceofshithellhole coffee pot at the end of the picture. It is stuffed with paper towel to prevent leakage. I probably killed 400 trees by just sopping up this mess.

A side note: I had to wait for 5 minutes after seeing this mess to take a picture to prove to my husband that I don't do anything to the appliance to make it lash out at me like this. I had showered first and then came out to the kitchen to get my cup of peace. This is what I found!!!!

I was home alone this morning. My husband had a thingy-ma-jig to attend to at 5am and my daughter was at a sleep over. Oh, and the dogs are still sleeping on my bed.

The profanities that escaped my mouth were words that would make a sailor blush. I was torched. I was about to ignite into flames. I sat down with my head in my hands and breathed heavily. I was losing it.

I decided to write down a pro and cons list of the hysterectomy and subsequently the loss of my marbles. I needed to break out of the funk and put a smile on my face.

Then the commercial for abandoned or mistreated animals came on. The tears were rampant. I went from totally angry to bawling like an infant in a split second. I regrouped and tried to focus. Look at the bright side of things. See the light! Yada, Yada, yada. I knew I couldn't save all the poor animals from the abuse or feed starving children without winning a gazillion dollars so I decided to put all my energy into me. What makes me happy.

First and foremost I thought of these.

No longer do I have to insert a plastic tube of cotton up my Woo-Hoo! Satin applicator for quick comfortable application my ass. It doesn't work well when you are raw from your disgusting period anyway. Comfort fit?? What a wad!!! And lets not discuss the mothereffing diaper that you have to have between your legs as well. The pads and pantyliners are just as much torture as the plug.

I get to say goodbye forever to inserting a plastic tube into my vagina. I don't have to wear pads that have stickiness to adhere to your hair down under causing excruciating pain ever again.


And, And, And....I don't have agonizing period hell that crippled me into a ball on the floor or made me walk like I had a tube steak stuffed up my girly hole. Matter of fact, I gave all my women torture devices to my friends that still get visits from the bitch, Mother Nature.
I definately have a smile on my face now!

And suddenly I feel so much better.
Thank you for making it through the ramblings of a screwed up post hysterectomy bitch. And thank you for sticking with me while I piss through this trial in my life.


A Buns Life said...

I just had a semi-permanent piece of plastic inserted to avoid having to insert something else plastic every single perfectly. I love my IUD. :)

Brittany said...

Oh man, woman. And I thought I was having a crappy day. I'm so sorry. Hope everything changed for the good! :) hugs!

Kel said...

Maybe it's time to have a coffee pot hystorectomy? :) Perhaps it doesn't like cotten being shoved up it either??

Sorry it was a crappy morning, maybe tomorrow will be better...

krissy said...

ha,ha,ha Kel....that was hilarious.

You said...

Wow. You totally deserve your rant. I'm sure you will make the right decision.

sltbee69 said...

All my coffee pots end up doing that. I just shove one of my hand towels underneath and keep using it until I can't no more. It must be the hard water in my area, is all I can think of. Do you have hard water too.

No hysterectomy here but my periods are so light that I honestly think I'm starting to go through menopause. One month I was 6 days early, the next month it was 5 days late. I wish Mother Nature would shit or get off the damned pot already. She's already effed me long enough on not giving me another baby.