Sunday, June 29, 2008

Are you the most popular blog???

This is what I feel I fail at. Lately there have been many blogs that have been getting beat up because of haters and shit holes that like to drag others down. I feel that they tear you up because they are jealous that they are not popular. Kinda like the high school kids that wore all black and had a Mohawk and scared the hell out of all that crossed their paths. I think they did this because they wanted to install fear into everyone because they were not popular. They did not get invited to the big parties and they did not get asked to prom.



I was not popular in school.....but I wasn't a nerd either. I hung with the popular group, went to the cool parties but talked and spent time with the ones that didn't get invited to parties. I was liked by all. I didn't want to be the popular one. The drama and the work to be popular is overwhelming. Most of the time because the most popular girls were not being themselves. They were too busy worrying about their looks or to be quite honest, at my high school, were complete sluts. They spread their legs more then then a eagle spread their wings. Truly...whores.



I question my self all the time. Do I want to be popular. Sure I do....to an extent. But then I see the "Popular" bloggers struggling to keep up with their 5000 viewers. To do the bloggy courtesy. I couldn't do it. Hell, I stress out over Webkinz....how the hell could I handle a being popular.



I want my readers to come here and blow rice crispies from their nose from laughing too hard. I want my readers to bust a gut and laugh the tears from their eyes. I want readers to come here and take some sexual advice from a Diva that knows her sex. And I'm proud to say that some of my readers are taking their lovemaking to the next step......and I am a proud sexual Diva......



Now I'm not saying that I don't want my readers to go "Whatever, fine......she doesn't want me to be here anymore so screw her......I'm leaving!" Of course not. I love my comments. I enjoy my readers. I have become friends with people I have never met but feel like I've known them my whole life. It's so cool. I love hearing from them and reading about their different lives. I just love it.



I think blogging is a therapy for me. It allows me to speak my mind and it allows me to talk about sex.....and I love talking sex. I love giving advice. I love it.



So, I'm not here to pretend to be a someone I am not. I am not the most popular, although I think I am a relief of "sex" air. I hope you all enjoy my blog too. I know that I go from sex, to friends to my daughter, to my husband to my dogs and even to Target. I talk about it all. I don't ever know where I am going with my post. I am all over the place. I have "BlogADHD". Or maybe I just have ADHD....who knows.



Just to let you know that really don't get bothered by hate mail. I think it's funny and interesting. I deal with rat bastards here in Hartford that make me want to smoosh their faces in a fat man's crack. I deal with jerks and bitches from work. I don't care if you like me or not. Don't like me? Move on. Like me? stick around. Love me? Keep commenting.



Now, I have to go reward my husband and burn off about 1000 calories because my stud muffin took Diva and 3 friends to a late movie and sleep over. He is doing all the work. Then his sister is staying with us for a couple days and so he will be a very busy dad/uncle/brother/husband. I'm so proud of him doing such crazy things with the girls. He actually takes these little rugrats to the mall to pick out girly things. He's a pretty good dude....eh?



So, looks like I have my work cut out for me tonight! Like I said, I'm thinking at least 1000 calories burned. Exercise can be good!!!



Thanks for checking in on me and being my cool friends.



BTW.....Diva and I are going to go to Make a Wish Foundation and see if there is any community work she can do to help the community. I encourage all to get involved...because it makes a difference. No matter how small your commitment is.....you are helping.



Now to get Diva to do this without bitching and moaning might be like getting an enema with a chainsaw but I'm a parent, and that's normal at times.



Ciao!

Titty Twister!!!! LOL!



Saturday, June 28, 2008

A letter to a pre-teen daughter.....



Dear Daughter....

You are such a darling little thing. I love your zest for life. Your flare of living. Your appetite for fun. I love that you are so loving. I love that when I am down, you furnish me with hugs, kisses, "I love yous", and back rubs (if I'm really down!) I love how deeply you care for others. Your passion for happiness. I love so many things about you that I cannot name them all. You are a special child, one of the best I know. You are so greatly loved by so many. Actually, everyone you meet loves you. You have bestowed the hearts of many people. And this is because you are the best you can be.



But my darling pre-teen daughter. There are things to discuss. There are matters at which we need to work on. For example......mooning me in the middle of the day where others can see your snow white butt is a issue we need to work on. And the pouting......Oh Lord the pouting. I cannot express to you enough how your pouting and whining make me want to turn your pale butt into a blistering mess. Every day.....every.single.day I deal with melt downs, pouting, whining, using your ugly voice to get my attention. The constant pleading after I have told you "no" a gazillion times is becoming a setback to your sweet demeanour. And my dear child.....you are forcing me to go ballistic on your cute butt.

It is now summertime and I do not get the much needed break of school that has giving me so much patience before. Now, I deal with the constant bickering all.day.long. Even though you are a terrific student and blessed with intelligence, I am considering signing you up for summer school. Let this be your warning. I've even contacted the army to see if they need some sort of help for your age.

And feeding the dogs once in one week and making your bed once in 2 weeks does not constitute you getting an allowance. Cleaning the bathrooms, which is on your chore list, is yet to be done. So, when you whine and cry to me that you haven't received a penny for your "chores" makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs because I don't think you are using your intelligence in a good way. I think you are being mighty greedy. This calls for immediate attention and I think you will be grounded until you are old enough to vote.
But I love you.....with every single cell in my body. I love you and would do anything for you. I love to see you smile....so many times I give in and buy you a Webkinz because I love your smile. So, I can see that I am partly to blame for your "only child syndrome". But I am still your mom and I can make life a miserable mess for you if you don't straighten up and do as I say, when I say it. If you don't like it...too damn bad because you have no other choice.

And as much as I hate to sound old school and like my own mother.....I really do wish someday you bless me with a grandchild that acts just like you.......my sweetness.

Good luck in the future. If this is just pre-teen syndrome........I am really worried about the teen years. Just remember....I believe in spanking and I don't care how old you are. My mom slapped me one time in the mouth when I was 17yrs old for being a royal brat and I never did it again. Because at that time I realized that my mom could whoop my ass. And I am doing yoga so I could seriously kick some butt. Keep this in mind for future use.

Dad is looking for a chastity belt. He is determined to find one and has also decided on the best security system in the world. You will never be able to sneak out of this house because he has a philosophy and this house will be booby trapped. And I know all your friends parents....and the holy grail will be passed on to them as well. So, you are screwed.

I am very open to many things. I let you listen to Flo Rida and I have danced with you to Usher. I don't guard you with life issues and I don't put you in a bubble. I don't have tunnel vision so I think we can come to a compromise most of the time. But always remember that I am the boss. I have rank over your dad. I have rank over your friends. I have rank over anything that has to do with you and your future. Write this down.

I love you my little stink. You rule as a Diva, but you have much to learn to be a firecracker. So, game on! Think of me as Yoda.......because I am so wise and can use the force if the time calls for it.

After taking you to the mall today with your friend whom I adore and love like my own child, I considered selling you both on the black market. You are treading in deep waters. You better swim back to shore before your menopausal mother goes ape shit on you. Write that down too and give a copy to your friends.





Much love you rotten little cutie........
Your "almost in a white jacket" mother who is losing her hair because of you.........



P.S. I know you never want a brother or sister. You have voiced this to me several times. But I am so vindictive that I will adopt a small child to mess your room up and irritate you beyond belief. This is a threat.......take it or leave it.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

One not so classy meme!

Hello.....remember me? Yeah, that's right. The one who speaks frank and talks dirty. Sometimes I even talk dirty to myself.

Well my little sweetie Kel asked me to do a meme. It was supposed to be about the last 15yrs of your life. I was having some issues with this. Not only am I a blubber head and can't remember most of the past 15yrs but as I was doing the meme I realized that I am 1/4 loser.

Now, Now.....I always new it....but seeing it on the screen made me turn green and pooped my pants. Seriously, I can't be that big of a loser? Well....yeah I can.

In a nutshell-didn't go to college and was engaged to a cop that cheated on me, partied like a rock star after I gave him the heave-ho, continued to party like a rock star and drank lots of tequila, God said enough of your partying you wicked child and gave me my sweet baby. Found a man, fell in love, took some college classes.....dropped out and now I live in a small town in a charming house with 2 dogs, a husband that stays home to work now (anyone have a rope I can hang myself with?) and a adorable but completely obnoxious daughter who mooned me today while riding her bike.

Yep.....that sums it up. Sure, there were the times that I stole pumpkins, stole for sale signs and stacked them up against a friends door so that when he opened the door 50 for sale signs fell on him. Yep, I jumped a moving train, in heels and a dress, with a rose in my mouth. I went mudding in a Chevette. I danced line dancing a lot and I was a great swing dancer. Fell down many of stairs and tripped on many of pebbles and even ran into a phone booth because I was a very intoxicated single young rock star. But, Kel said "Hey, write 15 things about sex instead!"

Hmmm...now we are talking! But considering I am the blunt, obnoxious lady that I am.....how bout I add to that and give you the 15 most embarrassing sex/or kinda sex stories?

Hold on to your spanx....this is gonna get unbearable for some!

And hey, before we go any further, I was never a slut and I did not sleep with many a men......it just so happened that I did half of these embarrassing things with the same poor sap. K?

1) Do you know what "queef" is? Well, let me explain....it's when a women sorta farts through her vagina. It sounds different....almost like a blubbering sound. I really don't know if it stinks or not (hopefully not like tuna.....ha, ha!). Anyway, this seems to be a problem for me and many other women too......I've asked some.....so there.

2) I had some toilet paper stuck in between my crack one time and wasn't aware of it until I was told by the unsuspecting guest. It went something like this "Ummmm.....gross. You have some toilet paper shoved in your crack!"

3) While I was pregnant with my daughter, I went to the doctor for my check up. I had my feet in the stir-ups and was ready to be molested. When he pushed on my stomach I farted extremely loud. It echoed. It smelled like hot garbage. The doctor used some excuse to leave and I was alone in the room, feet still in the air, gagging on my own stink bomb. I could hear the doctor gagging too.

4) I accidentally peed on my hubby when having sex. I mean like Niagara Falls peed.

5) I was constipated one time and had sex with my hubby. It obviously released the poo because suddenly I threw him off of me to go take a shit. That is sooooo romantic.

6) My dogs stare at us when we are having sex. It freaks me out!

7) I heard my parents and saw them having sex and I wouldn't speak to them for a week. I was pissed!

8) I was doing some yoga moves and feeling pretty cool until I blew a gasket and let out the biggest fart. I didn't feel so cool after.

9) I told an old boyfriend that I faked every orgasm ever with him. He was devastated because he thought he was a porn star. He sucked. I think I made him cry.

10) I told my husband to spank me once in the heat of the moment. He didn't cup the hand, it hurt. I told him to never do it again.

11) My friend who will go nameless thought she was having sex with a man until he told her that she was "riding his hip!" LOL!

12) I accidentally pulled out some under hairs on a man before. He screamed.

13) I fell asleep one time when having sex.

14) I have handed lotion, Kleenex and a toy and told him to leave me alone before.

15) I fell out of bed one time. It hurt. I got a bump on my head from it.

There you go......


Nothing is sacred to me. Hope you got a good laugh and can't wait for the hatemail! I'm a housewife.....hate mail is my only means of getting nasty with people. I thank you for that!

Hows that for you Kel???????

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

The FireFighter.

My husband is the Asst. Chief in our little town. Most of the time there isn't a lot that I would want to show you or tell you about. As a EMT and a Firefighter, the truth is it's usually things that isn't necessarily my idea of a good time. But then there are times when they do a controlled burns....which means it's....ummm....controlled. This particular burn is of a very old grain elevator in a nearby town. It was a doozy of a burn. Over 100 firefighters had to be present for this burn to go down. And we learned that my hubby's new phone takes some awesome pictures with the help of his awesome wife editing them. Yeah, that's right.....I'm his awesome wife.

Do you see the pretty rainbow? Ohhhhh.....Awwww! Say it with me. Ohhhhlaaaalaaaa!

I love this pictures because fire is mesmerizing. When we sit in a circle around a fire pit with our awesome friends I get all caught up in the fire. I love the colors, the heat and the destruction that it can cause. No, I'm not a pyro......I think!

Like one guy my hubby knows that got a little too drunk one time and fell in the fire pit ass first. He sat awkward for a long while after that. Then fire isn't so mesmerizing but I have to admit because I'm mean like this, fire is humorous. Seriously, the guy sat on ice for weeks. All because he did whiskey before beer. Man, learn the drinking rules. I think that's the drinking rules. Usually I'm too drunk to remember them.........

So even though I find firefighters and EMT's hero's (my dad and my hubby) and many times I have chewed the nails right off my fingers while worrying.....there are days like today that I sit and love the fires.......



And usually firefighters are pretty hot (like sexy hot!). Except for my dad.....ewww....gross! But I always enjoyed staring at all the hot firefighters while I was a young lady. Luckily I got to hang at the fire departments often and drool over some nice looking asses.

And firefighters have to have endurance. They have to have the dedication and it is a dirty, hot, and very hard job. And firefighters get burned out occasionally.....no longer having the dedication they once had. Like this poor sap.



Or sometimes they inhale a little too much smoke and their brain cells die Like this brain dead dude. I think his hose is a little to small......and no man likes to hear that!!!!


But thank God for the hero's that risk their lives for us.......and for their sexy hot asses too.


Ack.....not that! I mean this.......yumm-o! He can "hose" me down any ole' time......sexpot! Cause I am on fire!!!!
Now I can't wait until hubby gets home......bow-chicka-bow-wow!!!!
Sweet dreams all!
I have a meme to do....Kel...I didn't forget. I'm just having a hard time remember 15yrs ago. Maybe all the drooling made me lose brain cells? Who knows? But I am working on it.....swear!!!

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Friends.

I am the person I am because of my family and friends. My family contributes to most of my persona. It’s either genetics or inspiration that has made me the strong willed, passionate, stubborn or laid back person I am today. If it weren’t for the people in my life I would not be who I am.

I contribute a lot to my family for giving me the knowledge to laugh through my tears. My parents were goons, always having fun and showing me that life hits you hard, but laughter is like a shield that protects you from the hit. My husband is a character who has the best belly laugh in the world and my daughter is the funniest child I have ever met. My sister and her family are also fun hooligans and my in-laws know how to have a good time.

But it’s my friends that really know how to bring out the giggles when I wear a frown. I’ve stated before that I have friends that I have known since my wee little years and friends that I make daily. I count on all of them just as they count on me.

I’m proud of my friends. I’m proud of all of them for who they are and what they have become. I’m honored and humbled that they have all chosen me to laugh through life with. I’m grateful for their strength when I have been weak, their courage when I have been a coward and my saviors when I have lost God.

Every one of them are different and unique. None of them are the same. And each one of them has benefited me in some unique way. Continued support, a constant shoulder when needed, a light at my tunnels. I need them all in my life or I am incomplete as a person.

There are so many memories that I share with each of them. Different memories from one to the other. Memories that carry my heart when it feels heavy. They are the memories that are pages in my life.

It is true, my family is most important to me and by all means, they are the ticker to my beating heart. But I make sure Diva has her friends to rely upon when her mother can’t kiss the pain away and my hubby depends on his friends for moral support or when he is rushing into a burning building with one of them. They are bonded. They are brothers. Diva has a list of life long friends already. I can tell. But she is like her momma and makes new friends all the time. Friends that mean so much to her. To stick up for her when her mom can’t and to comfort her when she is away. I treasure the bonds they share.

I want my husband and daughter to both depend on their friends as well. I encourage spending alone time with their friends. I encourage all of us to have our friend time, alone so we can bond closer with our friends. I encourage this so the union of friendship becomes as imperative to them as it is for me.

I am so prosperous. I am so wealthy. I have the best of both worlds. I have a family that I can depend upon and I have friends that I can enjoy. I have laughter in my life everyday. I have smiles, giggles, and belly laughs every day! I am so fortunate.

To each one of my friends, thank you. Thank you for being the puzzle pieces that put me together. Thank you for the memories you share with me and make with me. Thank you for the love you pour from your heart to my family and me. Thank you for wiping my tears or giving me strength when I am weak. Thank you for allowing me to be your friend. Thank you.

This goes out to all of you. Rather you have known me since I was a straggly little brat to friends I have recently met to friends I have never met except through a computer. This is for you. You have all played important roles to my life. You have all contributed in some way. I could never possibly show you all how grateful I am to have you. It isn’t possible. But I hope that you can see through my beating heart how much you have swelled it with pride and joy.

Friends! I hope you all the best because you all deserve it.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Day 3 of my freaking rummage.

All I can think about is 1 more day....1 more day and I am done......It is definitely not my idea of fun....I can think of a thousand other things to do.......like write more sex blogs since everyone seems to love them.


I am putting the final touches on my post for the Sex Diva Online Magazine. It will have some things that I have mentioned here on my post before but for the most part.....it will be interesting.


I will post a link later when my fingers aren't numb from f'ing pricing out stupid shit!!!!


My child is going ape shit over me selling off her toys...Toys that she hasn't played with in years. Toys like Barbies. She is to old for Barbies and would never be seen playing with one. But she makes excuses up like "But Mom, what if a little girl comes over that needs something to play with and all I have is older toys? Then what will we do?" or "Mom, C (my nephew) would read these books. I can't give them up! He needs to practice reading!"


Yeah, he's in first grade and doesn't need to read Blues Clues or or Dora the Explorer. He's a little past those things. But the girl just cannot give up her shit. She is a bonafide Pack Rat.


So I told her to find 5 things to put on the rummage. I didn't specify that it needed to be 5 of her things. I gave her a price range of how much the things needed to be so she didn't dig out the McDonald's Toys but really....that's all she was informed of. She decided to find a few of my lipsticks and her dad's expensive watch. Oh, and a Burger King toy because it wasn't a McDonald's toy. She is a wise one.


So, my sunburned ass will sit through one more torturous day of rummage and fighting with my kid and husband (won't give up shirts he has had for 10yrs.) and I will send them inside with two gigantic holes chewed out of their asses. Of course, all of my stuff is out there including my beloved Ralph Lauren purse and my two favorite Tommy Hilfiger purses and my Prada purse but God forbid a Dora the Explorer book sales for 10 cents. Because according to my child, it should be $10.


The joys of motherhood and wifehood. They crack me up!


I'm gonna go stick a fork in a socket so maybe I can get out of dealing with this tomorrow. It will only zing for a minute. And I've always wanted curly hair......


Wish me luck. And I would love for you all to go to this sight and give this family some love and prayers. A strong family going through difficult times. I love this lady and her family and find myself inspired by them all the time. Please check Kori's blog. Thanks much!
I guess it could always be worse and we could be dropping our contents in toilets like this.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

My fingers are bleeding from pricing stuff so I figured it's time to talk about sex!

What better thing to talk about? What else would make my fans, er, friends happy and clapping. No, I'm not talking about winning the lottery or winning a trip to Brazil or something you goons. I'm talking S.E.X!


And guess what? I am going to do a guest blog on a online sex magazine thing. That's the only way I know how to explain it. But you can bet your sweet ass that I will post about it when I finish up my novel of a post.


So, today I am going to give you some facts. Fun Facts! Facts that may make you gag and throw up a little in your mouth or it could make you wee-wee in your pants. Or you will get angry that I am talking sex again and send hate mail in which I dare ya........cuz Momma ain't scared of your punk asses (trying to sound ghetto.)


So, gag, throw up, scream in horror , laugh, have sex or do whatever you want with this post because this is gonna be fun for me.


1)Penis No-No's

  • Icy cold hands......The penis turns into a "turtle" at this point.

  • Nasty harsh crusty palms. Use some lotion ladies. Calloused hands aren't really a turn-on.

  • excessive yanking. Don't treat it like you are brushing your toddlers bed head.

  • Teeth....Oh no....gum it. Always.

  • Nails. Don't go scratching your nails on his "stinky Twinkie" like you do when you scratch marks down his back.

  • I have to say it...but watch the "hair" down there. If you have ever had a wax job or a accidental hair pulled, you can understand this. If this has never happened to you.....don't do it.

  • If you are undoing the zipper.....do it carefully. If you have ever seen the show "Something About Mary" you will really get a visual of this. If you haven't seen the movie...rent the S.O.B. cuz it is just funny as farts. BTW...Brett Farve makes a appearance in this show. Another reason to watch it.

2)Testicle No-No's:



  • Slapping.....uh,uh. No, No....it may look funny by slapping it back and forth but it doesn't feel so great for the pee-pee.

  • spanking......what the hell are you thinking? Spank the ass all day long, just cup the hand so it does't sting as much.

  • fondling too hard and squeezing them like they are a stress ball. Bad, Bad idea.

3) Guys can keep an erection up to 40minutes. This should be an Olympic Event. This is ridiculous to me. I'm really glad to be a women right now although nipping out and cutting glass isn't the best of fun either.

4) Most men name their penis. You know, like the one-eyed monster, Peter, Slippery Snake, Happy Hard-On........whatever. You all know my favorite name "Stinky Twinkies!"

5)Ejaculations can exit the penis at up to 28mph! And they wonder why we gag and choke. Idiots. I swear, I'm gonna stick a hose down my husbands throat and turn it on full blast to see how he likes it.

And the big question is who the hell figured this out. Did some police officers sit in a car one night with the radar gun and test this logic? Weird.

So I wanna know....do you enjoy these post? Do you find them helpful. Do you find them interesting? Do you find them anything? And for the record, I will repeat myself, I am not a demon for posting about sex. Yes....I am blunt and honest....but if you know me in person this would be normal for me. I am honest and say what I say because I can. Freedom of Speech!! And I really am as "real" as they get.

And I do believe in God! I also believe that sex is enjoyable for a reason. It's not just to produce spawns. It is a feeling, a good feeling and a connection. And I never, ever promote unsafe sex with someone you just met. E.V.E.R. I sell condoms too and I also sell a product that is like a shield for the women if she is given oral sex. So, haters.......back off! You may not approve, and I find it more humorous then hurtful. But I will give out names and I will let my posse of friends tear you up if you continue your comments. Don't come back......cracklickers.

Well, I am going to play with my brand new cell phone and get some cool ring tones. I'm thinking "I touch myself" just because I am that kinda gal.......

I'll look forward to your comments. If you like these posts a lot....please feel free to pass this post on to some of your non-prudish friends. I would love the linky love and be forever grateful!

Peace out!

Me sooooo sorry!

I'm not meaning to not visit your blogs.

I am shamelessly trying to win that damn Nintendo DS. I even had a dream I won it. Pathetic....do you hear me shamelessly sassy? Pathetic.

This is the problem though. I am having a rummage sale this weekend and I gotta tell you.....I got a lot of shit, er, I mean great wonderful stuff to sell.

I have 500 pairs of jeans that my anal daughter would never ever wear. Along with shoes, dresses, shorts, shirts and socks that were never worn. What a little shit!!!

Plus, I have a garage full of shit, er, I mean stuff that I need to go through. Remember, my 2 car garage is full to the seams from stuff from my water logged basement among other crap that my husband feels he needs. Well, he won't need it now because it is going on the rummage. Ha, Ha! Take that hubby! Take that! He is a pack rat and so is my daughter and they are going to learn the hard way now. I wish someone would give my husband and daughter the memo that I always win. A.L.W.A.Y.S. *insert witch cackle*

Anyway, I am sick of pricing stuff and I'm tired of looking at all the money that I spent on clothes for my very special child and she wasted the money. Ohhhh....that kid of mine is going to get a boot up her butt sooner or later.

So, have a wonderful day and I will be around soon enough!!!!!

Monday, June 16, 2008

2nd quick post of the day.

Shamelessly Sassy is giving away a Nintendo DS Lite. Why do I want this so bad? Because I steal Diva's all the time and she gets pissy when we are taking a trip in the car and she is forced to sit still and be quiet while I concentrate on my current game. What? There's nothing wrong with that, is there? Don't answer that!
So, I promised Shamelessly Sassy a begging picture. The best I could come up with is a drunken picture of me from a few weeks ago. It is close enough to begging. I just want to win! I mean it. I want to win it bad. Shamelessly......are you there? Are you going to come by and see me? Here I am!

Oh so pathetic......but I deserve to win dang it!

Just take one look at this poor soul....you can't deny she needs help!

The things I do! Now go read my post earlier!

Men vs. Women

There is always the obvious things about men vs. women; like men have testicle's and balls that rule their existence, and women use their brain inside the head on their shoulders, but there is more to the difference then the obvious.

Men are bonafide procrastinators! Well, my man is anyway....I don't know about yours.

Like for instance, my hubby is out of town for a couple of days. Last night we went over to some friends house for a improv fire pit party. Him (meaning hubby) knows that he hasn't packed a single thing yet and has to be up and gone by 5am starts drinking. To my delight, I didn't care because I was having fun talking with the gals and laughing at a dog that likes being by the fire so much that red hot amber's were falling from the pit and landing on her. The dog didn't move. It laid there until someone patted the furry fire out. Hilarious.

Finally, it was getting late and I said to hubby "We should go, you still have to pack and if you want some swanky (code name for sex) we better go now because I'm getting tired!"

His response was "Oh sure honey, one moment!" Translation: "Sure honey, after a few more beers and a few more laughs at the flaming dog, then we will leave!"

Again, fine by me. I was just looking out for him. I don't need "swanky" tonight anyway. His decision. Not mine. Needless to say, we left 45min later and my lids were getting way heavy. So, we get home and of course, I was going to let him do all the packing except I kept hearing this: "HOney, where are my blue pants?" Just for your information, they were hanging right in front of his eyes. If it would have been a gay man, he would have been molested. After getting him packed I head for the bathroom because for some unknown reason I have been peeing like a pregnant women (and remember, I can't get pregnant, I have no parts!) but also to wash my face and brush my teeth and hit the bed running.

That's when hubby decides to get "romantic" and decides to do a striptease for me. Bow-chicka-bow-wow while he was swinging his twinkie around and around in a helicopter way. I stare at him and give him the stink eye. He continues by trying different yoga positions, blah, blah, blah. I was perplexed on what this man was thinking that having his hot dog doing a circular helicopter trick would give him the "come hither" look.

If this was me.....I would have been packed and ready to go earlier in the day. I would have not spent so much time at the fire pit and instead gave him the come hither look and had him running for home. I would have peed, washed face, brushed teeth, spritz on some deodorant (just in case), had some "swanky" and went to bed. If I did do a striptease, I would have not used "bow-chicka-bow-wow" as a song of choice. I would have satisfied our needs and went to bed.

Nope, hubby got what he wanted and then came out to play some Wii. He is butt-ass tired today now and I don't feel sorry for the man. I know.....cold hearted bitch. Can't help it.

I need to read the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" to figure out this dude. I never once even contemplated reading the book even with all the hoo-rah it got. I'll stick to my sex books. But, I think it's time I read it because with him working from home now and us spending some extra time together, I don't want to string his genitals into a wind chime. So, I need to be more understanding and patient.

Ha, Ha, Ha.....even I laughed about that. Me? Understanding and patient? Pfffff!

But I do love this guy! That's why we have been together for 10yrs. He obviously does something right!

Sunday, June 15, 2008

To a Daddy, not a father......

From the moment you laid eyes on my daughter, you adored that sweet 3month old little girl. From that point, you became her dad. You never hesitated to kiss away the boo-boo's. You never complained when you had to change a stink bomb diaper, even though you gagged and stuck your shirt over your nose. You never wavered when I needed to go to Pampered Chef parties or Purse Parties and you were on Diva Duty. You showed more patience then I, the one who birthed this child and has my blood running through her veins, when she was 1yr old and threw the biggest temper tantrum ever seen to man. And it was you that carried her through the mall while I jogged ahead of you acting as if she wasn't my spawn.

And your enthusiasm when her first words were "daddy" was priceless. Even though I was miffed about her first word not being "mommy".

And as she grows, so do you. You never had a desire to have a child of your own, because you never think of her as someone elses. You grow with her, you have her future laid out (threatening boyfriends with guns) and you worry about her more then her worrywart mother. Even though you would never admit that.

You help her with school, you are at every event she has, even if it means you missing time from something else. You are the first to lift her 10yr old butt in the air and giver her kisses for doing such a wonderful job at her dance recital. You encourage her and you worship her. You will never let her down, and that is your goal in life. Just like all the other wonderful dad's out there.

If you would have ran away at the sight of a 3month old baby with no dad to speak any kind words about, our lives would have been different. And I don't like to think about the differences we could have had.

As your love grows deeper every day for Diva, her love grows even deeper for you. She is a bonafide "daddy's girl" and even though this makes me jealous, it also makes me smile.

She is our baby girl. She will always be our baby girl. And as much as I love you for the wonderful ways you treat me, the way you are as a dad makes the love even stronger. You are the most amazing man. I am the luckiest women and Diva is the luckiest girl. I like to think that God had us cross paths for a reason. Because even though we get on each others nerves, you are still the man who stole my heart. And stole Diva's heart too.

I wish that I could give you something more then what you have given us on this day. But it is impossible to rope the moon for you.

My heart is exploding with pride and love. Thanks to you, diva, the dogs, my friends, my family, everything. And you truly are the biggest reason I love others so easily.

And to my dad, whom also loved children that wasn't his own flesh and blood, you are still my best friend and I am so happy that you were picked for me and my sister. Your devotion to us and most importantly, to our own children is unbelievable. There are so many things that I could thank you for. So many stories of how you cared and loved us with a honest love. You made me the person I am. I am proud of you. I will always be proud of you and whenever anyone asks me about my parents, I can only smile and tell them how fun and loving you are. I know you know this, but I need for the world to know how wonderful you and hubby are. I love you both so much!

Forever Grateful,
Squirrel (my dad's nickname for me)

Friday, June 13, 2008

10 Words from the Wise....er....from me!

1) When you are driving 75mph on the interstate and suddenly a car that you are passing just happens to mosey into your lane, right as you are next to them, don't scream hysterically, throw your hands up in the air, close your eyes and hope for the best.......not a good idea.
2) When you are tired, and your hubby wants you to help him with the basement, don't pout, whine and throw hammers at his head. He may get mad at you.

3) No matter how hungry you are, don't get a hamburger from the local Get N Go (in my neck of the woods anyway). You will have a ring around your butt from the toilet seat 10 minutes after inhaling such hamburger. Ack!

4) If you do not know how to sew or hem things, don't expect that you will figure it out the night before your daughters biggest recital of the year and her one and only outfit suddenly looks like the scissors got mad at you.

5) Don't take your medicine and then in a happy state because you are finding some tremendous deals rummaging forget yourself and take the meds again. It has reverse effects on you and instead of feeling really happy, you are suddenly sulking and sad and crabby....let's not forget crabby.

6) Don't tell your hubby that if he doesn't lite a fire under his ass to finish the basement you will call in someone who knows what the hell they are doing. That's sorta the straw that breaks the camels back after #2.
7) Don't trip over some item at a rummage sell and then throw your arms up in a "V" shape and yell "I'm a Super Star" and then put your hands under your pits and smell them. Some people haven't seen that show and you look pretty stupid.

8) Don't ever take kids rummaging......E.V.E.R. The suck you dry and then when you find the big deal of deals you are fresh out of checks and cash. I counted to twenty 400X's.

9) When your friends children are fighting, screaming, yelling, kicking, pouting and purposely egging your child on.....don't threaten such children with bodily harm when their mom is right next to you. Even though her kids are rotten she will still get a little peeved when you tell her son that if he (him being much larger and older then my daughter and hits her in the face and head) you will rip off his own arms and beat him in the head for hours. And if he touches my daughter again, I will hit him so hard his grandchildren will feel it.........this is all while you are screaming so loud you are losing your voice because you are sick of your child having bruises and bloody lips from this kid.

10) When you go to the "rich" area's for rummaging and you find a pair of designer jeans for $30, don't laugh hysterically and tell them that "You realize that this is a R.U.M.M.A.G.E., right? And these "designer" jeans are U.S.E.D, right?" And then don't turn into a wicked bitch when the snotty witch tells you that they are "too small for you anyway" when clearly, my ass is way smaller then hers and the pants were 2 sizes to big for me. But you can pull your tag out of your jeans and show her the size you are wearing and in the meantime moon her.

Just some tid bits from a menopausal bitch. What a hell of a hellish day! But at least I can laugh now! Ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha! Stupid snotty winch!

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

A freakish third titty......

This is a coma induced post. I may say things that make no sense and I could possibly fall asleep during this post. It will be interesting.
Yesterday I spoke about pooping and colon cleanse. Today my dear friends, I speak to you about a third boob. It's red, swollen and very painful. I will refrain from showing you a picture of it as you would get grossed out but I have a huge cyst that is filled with puss and hurts like a son-of-a-bastard. I get these growths when stress overwhelms my life. I should just have a new bra specially made to accommodate it. Stress rules my existence. But never breaks my sense of humor.

So, because these blessed puss bags have taken residence upon my lady lumps before, I have a bottle full of pain killers. And I am loaded with pain killers tonight. It doesn't help that I taught CPR tonight and every time I showed the class the proper way to do CPR and compressions it banged up against the other boob and as I was counting my compressions it sounded something like this:

"One, Two, Son, Of, A, Bitch, Seven, Eight, Jesus, Have, Mercy, On, My, Melons, Fifteen, Sixteen, Fuck, A, Duck, This, Hurts!"

Okay, I said it in my mind because I was teaching CPR to professional snot rags that were way to boring and way to better then me then to listen to me speak. Of course, I always throw humor into my classes but tonight I heard crickets chirping and saw a lot of eye rolling. A bunch of Numb Nuts is pretty classy to call them.

Anyway, so my third boob is giving me hell and I know that if I go to the doctor he will knife the thing open without pain meds and I will have to kick him in his jingle bells. So, I will ice the shit out of it hoping the bastard goes away.....far, far away.

I think I'll name it "Puss Bucket" because it is so big it may need it's own zip code. Maybe I will take a picture and show you. No, better not because that could be classified as porn plus I love you all too much to see you gauge your eyeballs out with a hot spoon. So, I will suffer a lonely boob issue all by myself.

And mother nature made her ugliness tear off more shingles from our roof today. Thanks, bitch! And because we have had so many claims on the house from the fricking floods, I can't claim a new roof because we will get dropped from our insurance. Isn't life grand for me?

But I am trying to be more positive so at least a tree didn't fall on our house or a airplane didn't crash into our house so I guess things could be worse. And of course, besides me and all my medical catastrophes, we are pretty much healthy. Thanks Be to God for that.

So, I'm starting to drool now and I have to go get some ice to numb "Puss Bucket" before I hit the pillow so farewell for now. Maybe the next post will be about all the gas I have and we can get in touch with each other even more. Your welcome!!!

Good night friends! I think I'll leave a funny again because humor is the best medicine except laughing causes the double D's to jiggle and that hurts "Puss Bucket". But for you, I will do anything. I think the pain meds made me high (I've never been high before but I just scarfed down a box of cookies so I'm pretty sure I'm high!)

If you need one of these...please contact me...I have extras! LOL!

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Colon Cleanse 101:

So you have all heard of the disgusting stories about colon cleanse. If you want to look at pictures of the sludge that lives in your intestinal wall, try a google search. It's looks like you just pulled your intestinal wall out of you bung-hole. Yikes.
Well, I went to a health food store and they are very educated with my Fibromylgia (I never know if I am spelling this right and I really am too lazy to check it out....hell...I can't even pronounce it most of the time!) and they had some very, very useful information. I was pumped when I found errors in my diets that could be changed and certain things I could easily do to help with the symptoms. And she did highly recommend a colon cleanse. And I cringed. What the hell am I going to let slide out of my booty? I will admit, I was scared and intrigued both at the same time. I know, I'm odd....

Thing is...there are thousands of colon cleanses out there and from my understanding, they do work. But there are different types that do different things. I have not pooped out my organs or any slimy alien look alike things. It is a 30 day colon cleanse and I have only been taking it for a few weeks now but so far, my bum isn't doing anything out of the ordinary. I am very certain that you all feel complete after knowing that. Your welcome!

Then I spoke with my pharmacist about Alli Weight Control. She did admit to it working. She is pretty reserved and didn't come right out with the side effects. She said "It recommends you wear a heavy pantyliner or pad and always wear dark clothes or have a second change of clothes with you!" I looked at her dumbfounded and said "So pretty much, you become walking diarrhea and you poop yourself!" She said "Yep!" So, to lose weight you pretty much shit out all the fat that goes into your body. And you have no control over your bowls. And I got the vision of me walking through the mall and having poop running down my leg and decided to keep to my less evasive poop tube cleaner.

And then there's just plain ole' simple laxatives. And if constipation is your issue, then by all means take a laxative. But then you have to deal with mind blowing cramps that feel like you are giving birth to an elephant with huge tusks. Yeah, been down this road....won't go down it again.

The moral of this story, besides being poop, is carefully check side effects of anything that has to do with your intestinal tract. To lose a couple 5lbs with Alli, you will have 5 years of staying at home because you will never want to show your face again after you shit diarrhea all over the mall floor.
And contemplate some very simple methods, like wheat grass which does come in a pill so you don't have to grind up some grass in your sausage grinder. It has a lot of different great things for your body. And you don't have BM threatening you shame.

BTW....can you believe that yesterday our little ice cream shop was robbed? Good Lord. The owners are my neighbors and thank the Good Lord, they are okay. The idiot robber took her car and cell phone though and then proceeded to make a phone call on it. Hmmm....can you say Dumbest Criminal? It still pisses me off that he came into MY town and threatened MY community! He is behind bars but I still feel like going down there and kicking him in his jingle bells! Ass!


Here's a funny.....I laughed my ass off.

video

Sunday, June 8, 2008

I finally did it......

I had a hell of a time getting my hooligans together to go do something other then playing Wii or getting full of sand with friends however, after numerous threats, lots of pleas, promises I wouldn't keep and the screaming to get their hineys in the darn car because we are going right now. Still they stared at me like I was speaking in dolphin or something.

Then the I pulled the big threat out......
NO, I didn't use "no sex" to the hubby.....
NO, I didn't threaten to take Diva's beloved stuffed puppy away....

I threatened to never, ever take my meds again and that made them push each other out of the way to get to the car first. And I smiled at my victory.

I decided (because I am the mom and I decide everything) that we were going to visit the beautiful "Falls Park" in downtown Sioux Falls. It is a lovely place and with the amount of rain we have received I knew the falls would be rampant. And even though water is my enemy because for some damn reason it feels necessary to pool in my basement, I cannot deny the beauty in the falls.

I explained in a non-politely way that I was going to get pictures of daughter and dad because I have a idea for wall decorations and I need a good picture of daughter and dad. In the past, this has always caused mass destruction in our household and usually I scream and yell and get pissed as hell as hubby and daughter laugh their asses off at me because they refuse to cooperate and feel that the pictures of bunny ears, tongues sticking out and distorted faces are wonderful.

Anyway, I got some shots that haven't been touched up any but I thought I would share nevertheless. And it's so funny because I have about 600 pictures and only a few that would make the cut. Only because the hooligans love messing with a menopausal bitch.

This is one of the raging falls. It's power is mesmerizing.


This is Diva "sorta" smiling and complaining because the sun was in her eyes!


So she turned around and watched the falls and asked a dozen questions like "what would happen if I took a boat over that?" Then freaked when we told her that it would be a really bad idea.


Oh, what's this? I forced smile where she sets her teeth in alignment and clenches her face! Even trying to make her laugh by speaking of farts (which normally gets tons of giggles) didn't work. She was being stubborn because she wanted to be at the mall. Little Fool!


Dad and daughter picture that I like. A little touch up and it may just work for my art.




The rocks around the falls are so fun! You can maneuver your way around and explore all sorts of things. And it's really funny when a klutzy mom falls on the rocks and collapses a lung too.


The back of my childs head that could seriously use a brush through it but whatever. I love how she is intrigued by nature and not webkinz. BTW....I do get her hair trimmed. We are in the "growing out the bangs" phase right now that is causing serious distress to me.


A real giggle. A real smile. A real moment with her dad.


I told her that if you kiss this stone buffalo's nose it would bring good luck for life. She was so excited that she practically licked it. Then we told her that she just kissed bird poop and she went into a spitting frenzy. Trust me, if that buffalo brought good luck I would be frenching it as I type!!!



And finally we decide to go home so Diva can go swimming with her dad and mom can take a nap. It wears you out trying to fight with these too punks.




And they are really going to throw a fit because next week we are hitting the Japanese Rose Gardens which is just as gorgeous as the falls. And the camera will be in my hand and I will be forcing poses and they will like it or I swear, I will throw the meds out the window.

Just FYI....the offer from hubby's new job was great and he is no longer working for the crap-hole job after tomorrow. We are pumped. We are stoked. We are anticipating great things to come..........

And the people that made me cry all weekend and hurt me (see previous post) will no longer bother me. I'm just moving on because there are always somebody to bring you down, but you always have to get back up!

And I'm standing back up!!!

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Another night out......

Well, I didn't come in first with my boobies shots. Darn it.....those suckers could have won it......but thanks for the votes anyways.

Last night was a going out party for my little sweetie at Target. I am so sad that she is leaving because she is my boss and my sweetness. If you are counting, this is 3 weekends in a row of me going out. I was DD last night and had NOoooooo desire to drink after the unfortunate mudslides shooting at velocity speeds coming out of my nose and then tequila hell last weekend, I just couldn't handle the thoughts of alcohol burning more holes into my stomach lining. Plus, I wanted to be half way alive for Diva today other wise when momma ain't happy, there is no body happy.



This is Theresa, my sweetness and I. Sigh....I'm gonna miss her. Sorry for the blurry pic....I had to clean the lense. I think it was a little smokey from last weekend.




This is me doing yoga and my friend Heather talking on the phone. I shouldn't show that picture of me and remember the camera adds 200lbs to your upper leg and gut but whatever, that leg can go even further and can touch my ear. Yah, Yoga.



And a picture wouldn't be complete without Lynard and I being goofy, looking like rug muncher idiots. But, I don't really care.

And me and Becky




And me and a sweet bartender who wanted to give me a kiss on the cheek. I like to think it's because I am a hot sex bomb but I think the nice tip I left him helped. Damn.




And the girls just hanging.


I have like 450 pictures that I could show you but I don't think you want to see them all. Yesterday was a crap-shit-fuck day for me. Not only did we have more of this in our basement
which this is just a small glimpse of the water hanging out down there but a lot of personal issues that made me hurt like a jagged dagger plunging through my heart and then being pulled out and piercing me again and again. Don't worry, my husband, my daughter and I are okay...but each of us are hurt by someone very important to us. Actually, two people hurt me and I've cried rivers for about 24hrs. I'm crying right now but I will survive. I try anyway......not much else I can do.
I will survive.....aack! Surviving sucks!

Thursday, June 5, 2008

My boobies need some love.


hey.....


I need you all to go to here to SarcasticMom's blog and vote for my boobs. Do it please. Number 14 is mine (meet the twins). This is one time I am going to beg and plead and beg and plead for you to do this for me. For once, I want these titties of mine to do some good for me.


Pass this on to friends, pass this on to enemies, just get my titties the votes.


I don't beg often and never ask for fame......but you know the trouble these melons have given me so they owe it to me.


I love you, please go vote! I'd do it for you! :-)

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Sexy, Sex, Sex.......be prepared on this one my friends!

You may walk away now! Go on, it won't hurt my feelings. But this post is not for your typical prudes. You've been warned.

My goal is to give each and every couple something to add to their sex life. I just want you to face the facts. Your sex life could always use some sort of boost. Right? Is it always in the same position, the same place, the same blah, boring, so not orgasm way? Then take a dive into the world of Krissy's Sex Talk. You can do this. I promise. I don't care if you have kids, I don't care if you are exhausted. You can still give something to your relationship. You owe it to the both of you. And if you are a single person. The toys are your safest orgasm that you will ever get. No, you don't get the emotion with it, but you can name him and it may give you a better connection to your dildo/vibrator.

But I do focus on relationships. Why? Because I am in a relationship and I need the excitement as much as you do. Don't get me wrong. I do tell my husband "no" sometimes. But not a lot. So, ready to get your feet wet?

So, you wanna knock your partners socks off? You want to knock them off so hard that they actually fold themselves? How about this........Porn! Yep, good ole fashion raunchy, nasty porn. Watch for a while (at least 5 minutes) and then start fondling, playing, fore playing with your mate. Soon, you will be having just as much fun as the paid porn freaks but without the worries of disease. Consider it. It will get you hot and horny or you will laugh out loud. Either way, go into it with the intentions of having sex with the porn stars. Stop gasping, it isn't unheard of you know!

Simon Says: you know the game. You've played it as a kid. Now play it with your mate. "Simon Says to follow me to the bedroom!" "Simon says to lick like this!" You get the point. Make it into a fun adventure instead of "So, you wanna have sex?" "Yeah, I guess so, just hurry up...I'm tired. Hmmmmm.....no brainer.

The balls: Do you know that these are just as enticing to play with then the actual shaft? No, to squeeze them like your testing for fresh fruit. But, gently play, gently caress or gently poke in between the two sacks. This is best used for foreplay. Obviously. But if you are flexible and you can reach around and play while having intercourse, it will be very enjoyable for him. Just watch the hair, don't pluck one out because he will not.enjoy.that! Actually, he should be shaving the balls anyway because it does make the shaft look larger. Just a tid bit of info.

Communication in the bedroom. Don't just moan and groan people. Tell him what you like. Tell him where it feels good. Tell him if it hurts a bit. He won't know unless you open your mouth. You would be dumbfounded at how many married couples don't communicate in bed. Hell with that. If I don't like it.......he won't do it again. Case closed. And there is always the talking dirty too. This could possibly be the biggest turn on for you and your mate. Try this while watching the porno. Instant orgasm.

And the last thing for today is very crucial. Different positions. Different places. Different everything. Don't just do it in the bed. I have said it before and I will say it again. Take it outdoors when the neighbors are sleeping and the kids are snoozing. Be a rebel. You.Can.Do.This.

As always, make it safe if you are not happily married. Condoms or oozing sores. Take your pick. And always lube. Always. I will not tell you this enough. Lube or hurt later in life. Your choice. This isn't coming from me....this is coming from numerous doctors. Lube, Lube, Lube. If you need suggestions...my email has changed to sdiver1973@unitelsd.com

I am also going to have a guest blogger on here. My sex driven husband will tell you why guys need this. He will be blunt and honest like his crude wife. More to come later you little sex queens. And let me know if you tried any of these. You don't need to give me details. Just a yes or no. Either in comments or email.....I don't care. But I am wanting to save the world, one orgasm at a time. Remember? I need to know I helped.

Next topic will be on toys! Yummy, good for the orgasm toys!

Mood Today.......brink of disaster.

The meds haven't kicked in yet. The rain is falling and so are the tears. I don't know why. I'm just sad. I'm sad because sometimes I feel like we get shit spread on a piece of bread for breakfast. I just can't help feeling this way. I blog about this because I need a place to put my thoughts in order to better myself. So, this is a pity party for me and emotions are running rampant. I don't expect you to read this, as it is a downer in the worst way. I have full intentions of having a sex blog up by this afternoon that will be much more entertaining. So, skip this post and come back for some pillow talk later. K.

First off, the negotiations with the job are stressing me out. Their initial offer was nothing we could accept. Not that it wasn't a good offer, but my husband makes way more now and he refuses to back track. I agree as much as I want him away from the slimy company he is at. This doesn't mean it's over by any means because we negotiate back now and they really, really want Craig to work for them. But what they want him to do may not be acceptable. Sioux Falls is a bloody town right now fighting for jobs. This company doesn't have what it takes to join the ring. So, we wait and see what is next.

Second....medical bills. I am so sick of paying on medical bills I could spit fire. We pay close to $700 a month in medical bills. I don't know why. My insurance is awesome and I had a deductible of $2000. How can I owe $6000 in medical dues. And then after doing some hard research, I find out that the hospital is screwing the hell out of me and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. Why? Because I'm to stupid to understand the insurance/hospital thing. The art of confusion. And then this stupid hospital is throwing a big bash for their employees. They are bringing in Rascal Flatts and Sheryl Crow. Okay, that's great because I did receive extra special care while in the hospital. I was spoiled and they deserve some extra love. But $5.5 million of extra love? I think not. I have to clean up puke where I work and trust me, I will never see a extravaganza like that. And for the love of all that is holy, my insurance has paid over $50,000 in medical bills and I can't even tell you how much I have spent out of my pocket. I think I am worthy of a damn ticket to see Rascal Flatts and Sheryl Crow. Son of a bitch. Non-profit hospital my dirty ass!

And then I think of all those wonderful fucking medical bills and realize that I am not even close to being done adding more to our account. I have a chronic illness and it isn't getting better. I am so close to a melt down today.

And then there is the basement, the flood, the hardships that eat at my stomach daily. It isn't going to get better with the basement. Why? Because we have to come up with $15,000 to PROVE that the bus barn is the problem for our floods, even though it is obvious. I don't have $15000 sitting in an account. So blow this....we are fucked.

I'm tired, no sleep, I'm exhausted from all the hot flashes, I feel out of control and I feel like crying like a baby. Okay, I have cried like a baby. I don't know what to do. You know what sucks the most? We are becoming closer and closer to becoming debt free. All of our vehicles and motorcycle are paid. We have paid $30,000 towards the principal of our house in 4 short years. We have small amounts on credit cards. We have medical bills that we are working diligently on. My house is consumed with hand me downs or consignment shopping items. The only things that we actually paid for is our 40 inch big screen t.v., or Wii, and our bed. That is it. And everyone remarks on how great of a decorator I am. All of my clothes are consignment. Yep, Plato's Closet is a God's send and so is another consignment shop that only has designer clothes for cheap. My hubby and child are dressed in the same attire, even though I usually splurge on Diva and buy Old Navy, Children's Place and JC Penny. I don't live a high life and we don't keep up with the Jone's. Why does it seem like we get shit on?

Okay, I am done. I feel a wee bit better. I am going to start on my sex post cuz that always makes me happy. If you made it this far, thank you. I don't expect sympathy. I don't expect you to feel sorry for me because even though I feel like I have poo flung at me daily, I also realize I have health, my daughter has health and my husband has health. And I have a wonderful, terrific extended family and a large group of supporters. I am blessed in many ways. I know that. I just need to vent about the shit now and again.

Love you all!

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Is this a normal day for anyone else?

Last night I had to be a part of a reenactment. It was for the fire department and they needed volunteers to be victims of a bus accident. Diva didn't want to be a part of the excitement because a) she is staying with my sister for a few days to enjoy some fun with them and b) she would never get on a bus again if she saw what happened in case of an accident. She is a worrier like her father......er....I mean mother.

So, I was volunteered. We went to a car salvage lot and upon looking at the bus, I had second thoughts. It was the Partridge Family bus but it looked like the home of some critters that I didn't want to meet. There were 2 different towns with all their trucks and a big ole truck from Sioux Falls called the Emergency Rig. It is for disasters. So, we were reenacting some hard core injuries. Pieces of paper were handed out that told you what your injuries were and what you were supposed to be doing.

My first gig was the bus driver with a protruding object stuck through my gut. I got inventive and used a belt from one of the young girls there and had my water bottle sticking out. Then I found an old beer can on the floor. So, when the EMT's came running in, trying to be serious, they all laughed their asses off at me. I was the drunken bus driver that caused the wreck. The belt also pushed my boobs up to my neck as well. I laughed too until I realized they were going to strap me to a back board and carry me out. Ummmmmm.......what? I don't like being strapped down and I certainly didn't want to hear the grunts and groans of these men trying to carry my ass out the door. Even with my protests, I was picked up, with a grunt from no one other but my HUSBAND (he soooo didn't get laid last night), strapped down and carried over to the "immediate attention" tarp. Then someone assessed my injuries and walked away. After laying there in the hot sun for about 10 minutes I said "Hey, can I get up so I can go do my other injury?" They looked down at me like they had forgotten me (how dare them) and said "Yeah, go ahead, we are done with you!" Great, I tried to Houdini my way out of the straps, got a few curious glances and a bunch of giggles before someone came to release me. Shitholes!

In a huff, I went back into the gross bus and realized my next injury was me with a head injury seeping brain matter. I chuckled out loud. Like I have brain matter to seep. But whatever, they could push it back in and everything would be fine. Nope, they tagged me as dead and once again, this time with no grunts because my hubby stayed far, far away from me, and laid me on the black tarp. This time they quickly unleashed me and I had to lay there dead for a few minutes. Ummm....Karma? I don't want to be on the morgue tarp. So, I stood up and yelled "It's a miracle, God resurrected me. AMEN!" Again, people laughed at my antics and gave me another victim card.

This time I had to sit with another girl in the Partridge Families bathroom. It's the size of a T.V. box. Then they were going to extract us. Yeah, that's right. The Jaws of Life were coming out and saws and all that crap, while we sat in the crapper. Another thoughtful firefighter held a blanket over us so debris wouldn't poke out our eye or something. It was a stuffy 400 degrees and took them about 10 minutes. This time I had a bloody head and lost 500cc's of blood. I was tagged immediate attention again. Great! Couldn't I be the victim that had a broken finger or something and could walk away? So, onto the backboard again. This time they thought it would be funny to pretend to drop me, making me shout out profanities while small children's ears burned and then the freaks started tickling me. I was bouncing around the backboard and feared them dropping me for good. They screwed with me for a few more minutes. By this time I figured out how to unleash myself and quickly took of the harness and went after the bastards. Too bad they are faster then me. Then I said, "Ya know what, I'm done being a victim" And they all agreed. I did my part.

I gave my hubby another nasty look from the post "grunt" when he lifted me, maybe gave him the finger too and left. This used to work except now that everyone knows me they all laughed their butts off at me and wished me farewell. Assholes!

So, what a exciting night I had. Now today I have to go to work with a flaming red throat and swollen glands. No doubt from the disgust of the bus. My allergies went nuts. And then I'm gonna have to stay down in the basement after work making sure we don't get any water in there again because big storms are coming. Then I'm going to take a few NyQuil and call it a day. And my husband still won't get laid! ASS!

I'm almost ready for my ego boost post again. I have a hard time with the reader thing. And my sex post is in the works still. And if anyone of you know how to make this blog look a little prettier and not so freaking boring, let me know. I will give you all my info just to be with the cool bloggers.

And I have all intentions of visiting each and everyone of you today after work. Big hugs!

Oh, one more thing. Today is negotiations with hubs new job. They are going to be disguising money, perks, and all that crap. Hubby and I know where we need to be and so please say a prayer for firecracker that the negotiations work for us.
That Karma likes me for one day.
Pray, Pray, Pray! Thanks friends.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Hang over, colon cleanse, hangover 101

I feel like a drunken sailor people. Not only did I throw up mudslides out my nose last weekend I swallowed the evil, devil's water called tequila shots this weekend. And it wasn't meant to happen. No, people didn't manhandle me (well a few did but secretly I liked it) but I get that braveness that happens when you drink a few too many red beers and then the shots are the chasers. I haven't done a tequila shot in years. Well, the day my husband proposed to me was the last time I did a shot of the lighter fluid. But that's a whole different story.
My mom called me when I was in my drunken state. She is a overbearing mom. Always has been, always will be. So, she made the comment to me of "your becoming a regular drunk!" (sarcastically but if you knew her you would know that is her way of making a point!)

My response was "Yep, and I'm screwing every man here tonight mom........I'm hoping to make enough money to take a trip. Wanna come? I'm not only a drunk but a hooker"

I have to face this women today. She forgets all the times when I was a kid of our pool parties that were absolutely fun as hell but a lot of alcohol was consumed. But that's what she does best. Amnesia and Alzheimer's ironically play a part of her pathetic attempt of keeping a halo over her head.

Sadly, me and my mom are a lot alike. I don't so much look like her (my daughter does) but I certainly mimic her shit tactics she has always used to manipulate us kids.

Anyway, back to the party. Nope, I didn't use my boobs to make any money this week. I just got drunk as a skunk, kissed everyone I knew, because I am a lover when I am drunk, and I don't give a shit who you are, I love you! I met a thousand people, because I make friends very, very easy, and kissed them too.

Hubby was drunk and he is a lover too so he kissed everyone as well. This may sound weird to most of you but I truly do love everyone except for the people I hate. And for the people who start rumors about me or give me hell they usually get the wrath of me and it really doesn't make their lives nice. I'm vindictive like that! I know I am malicious but really, you have to really piss me off to get me there. Remember the post about the town whores that started rumors about me? They are deserving of my spitefulness. And if you mess with my kid, I will make your life dreadful.........

Anyway, I got some new friends, some cute little friends that I need to give some ego boosters too. Plus, all my old blog friends and my sweet friends that read my blog. But, I am still recovering considering I had to put in 8hrs yesterday with a massive headache and 2hours of sleep. So.Not.Fun.

Thanks for the sweet comments back about me. I love ego boosters because sometimes I get pretty down on myself. My self confidence could be worked on but I have bigger fish to eat then worry about that. So, this blog sorta helps with that.

So, here's what's to come.....more ego boosters for the new friends and old. And, I have a sex post that will rock your world. It is a doozy. It is informative, funny and grotesque. So, again for you haters of me.....kiss my right ass cheek and make the left jealous, cause I don't care what you think. I always have to post that.

And I will post a few pictures but again, most of them were me kissing friends and I don't want people to think I am lesbian because I don't munch carpet and we are not swingers, except for when we are trying to swing at the playground to see who can go the highest. I'm a lover and an occasional hater. That's me.

Here's a picture of me and my 35yr old husband.
Happy Birthday my sweet love. You are the reason that Sheylee and I have what we do. You have made dreams come true and you are the love of my life. Not only do I still find you sexy I also live with my best friend in the world. I cannot express my love and gratitude to you as it cannot be put in words. It is impossible to express that sort of emotion. Just know that I love your touch, your love, your words, you humor, your dedication to the family and your astonishing fatherly ways. And the sex is something to talk about too baby, but that's private so I won't go there.
Love your forever grateful wife,
Krissy