Hello.....remember me? Yeah, that's right. The one who speaks frank and talks dirty. Sometimes I even talk dirty to myself.
Well my little sweetie Kel asked me to do a meme. It was supposed to be about the last 15yrs of your life. I was having some issues with this. Not only am I a blubber head and can't remember most of the past 15yrs but as I was doing the meme I realized that I am 1/4 loser.
Now, Now.....I always new it....but seeing it on the screen made me turn green and pooped my pants. Seriously, I can't be that big of a loser? Well....yeah I can.
In a nutshell-didn't go to college and was engaged to a cop that cheated on me, partied like a rock star after I gave him the heave-ho, continued to party like a rock star and drank lots of tequila, God said enough of your partying you wicked child and gave me my sweet baby. Found a man, fell in love, took some college classes.....dropped out and now I live in a small town in a charming house with 2 dogs, a husband that stays home to work now (anyone have a rope I can hang myself with?) and a adorable but completely obnoxious daughter who mooned me today while riding her bike.
Yep.....that sums it up. Sure, there were the times that I stole pumpkins, stole for sale signs and stacked them up against a friends door so that when he opened the door 50 for sale signs fell on him. Yep, I jumped a moving train, in heels and a dress, with a rose in my mouth. I went mudding in a Chevette. I danced line dancing a lot and I was a great swing dancer. Fell down many of stairs and tripped on many of pebbles and even ran into a phone booth because I was a very intoxicated single young rock star. But, Kel said "Hey, write 15 things about sex instead!"
Hmmm...now we are talking! But considering I am the blunt, obnoxious lady that I am.....how bout I add to that and give you the 15 most embarrassing sex/or kinda sex stories?
Hold on to your spanx....this is gonna get unbearable for some!
And hey, before we go any further, I was never a slut and I did not sleep with many a men......it just so happened that I did half of these embarrassing things with the same poor sap. K?
1) Do you know what "queef" is? Well, let me explain....it's when a women sorta farts through her vagina. It sounds different....almost like a blubbering sound. I really don't know if it stinks or not (hopefully not like tuna.....ha, ha!). Anyway, this seems to be a problem for me and many other women too......I've asked some.....so there.
2) I had some toilet paper stuck in between my crack one time and wasn't aware of it until I was told by the unsuspecting guest. It went something like this "Ummmm.....gross. You have some toilet paper shoved in your crack!"
3) While I was pregnant with my daughter, I went to the doctor for my check up. I had my feet in the stir-ups and was ready to be molested. When he pushed on my stomach I farted extremely loud. It echoed. It smelled like hot garbage. The doctor used some excuse to leave and I was alone in the room, feet still in the air, gagging on my own stink bomb. I could hear the doctor gagging too.
4) I accidentally peed on my hubby when having sex. I mean like Niagara Falls peed.
5) I was constipated one time and had sex with my hubby. It obviously released the poo because suddenly I threw him off of me to go take a shit. That is sooooo romantic.
6) My dogs stare at us when we are having sex. It freaks me out!
7) I heard my parents and saw them having sex and I wouldn't speak to them for a week. I was pissed!
8) I was doing some yoga moves and feeling pretty cool until I blew a gasket and let out the biggest fart. I didn't feel so cool after.
9) I told an old boyfriend that I faked every orgasm ever with him. He was devastated because he thought he was a porn star. He sucked. I think I made him cry.
10) I told my husband to spank me once in the heat of the moment. He didn't cup the hand, it hurt. I told him to never do it again.
11) My friend who will go nameless thought she was having sex with a man until he told her that she was "riding his hip!" LOL!
12) I accidentally pulled out some under hairs on a man before. He screamed.
13) I fell asleep one time when having sex.
14) I have handed lotion, Kleenex and a toy and told him to leave me alone before.
15) I fell out of bed one time. It hurt. I got a bump on my head from it.
There you go......
Nothing is sacred to me. Hope you got a good laugh and can't wait for the hatemail! I'm a housewife.....hate mail is my only means of getting nasty with people. I thank you for that!
Hows that for you Kel???????