Wednesday, June 25, 2008

One not so classy meme!

Hello.....remember me? Yeah, that's right. The one who speaks frank and talks dirty. Sometimes I even talk dirty to myself.

Well my little sweetie Kel asked me to do a meme. It was supposed to be about the last 15yrs of your life. I was having some issues with this. Not only am I a blubber head and can't remember most of the past 15yrs but as I was doing the meme I realized that I am 1/4 loser.

Now, Now.....I always new it....but seeing it on the screen made me turn green and pooped my pants. Seriously, I can't be that big of a loser? Well....yeah I can.

In a nutshell-didn't go to college and was engaged to a cop that cheated on me, partied like a rock star after I gave him the heave-ho, continued to party like a rock star and drank lots of tequila, God said enough of your partying you wicked child and gave me my sweet baby. Found a man, fell in love, took some college classes.....dropped out and now I live in a small town in a charming house with 2 dogs, a husband that stays home to work now (anyone have a rope I can hang myself with?) and a adorable but completely obnoxious daughter who mooned me today while riding her bike.

Yep.....that sums it up. Sure, there were the times that I stole pumpkins, stole for sale signs and stacked them up against a friends door so that when he opened the door 50 for sale signs fell on him. Yep, I jumped a moving train, in heels and a dress, with a rose in my mouth. I went mudding in a Chevette. I danced line dancing a lot and I was a great swing dancer. Fell down many of stairs and tripped on many of pebbles and even ran into a phone booth because I was a very intoxicated single young rock star. But, Kel said "Hey, write 15 things about sex instead!" we are talking! But considering I am the blunt, obnoxious lady that I bout I add to that and give you the 15 most embarrassing sex/or kinda sex stories?

Hold on to your spanx....this is gonna get unbearable for some!

And hey, before we go any further, I was never a slut and I did not sleep with many a just so happened that I did half of these embarrassing things with the same poor sap. K?

1) Do you know what "queef" is? Well, let me's when a women sorta farts through her vagina. It sounds different....almost like a blubbering sound. I really don't know if it stinks or not (hopefully not like tuna.....ha, ha!). Anyway, this seems to be a problem for me and many other women too......I've asked there.

2) I had some toilet paper stuck in between my crack one time and wasn't aware of it until I was told by the unsuspecting guest. It went something like this "Ummmm.....gross. You have some toilet paper shoved in your crack!"

3) While I was pregnant with my daughter, I went to the doctor for my check up. I had my feet in the stir-ups and was ready to be molested. When he pushed on my stomach I farted extremely loud. It echoed. It smelled like hot garbage. The doctor used some excuse to leave and I was alone in the room, feet still in the air, gagging on my own stink bomb. I could hear the doctor gagging too.

4) I accidentally peed on my hubby when having sex. I mean like Niagara Falls peed.

5) I was constipated one time and had sex with my hubby. It obviously released the poo because suddenly I threw him off of me to go take a shit. That is sooooo romantic.

6) My dogs stare at us when we are having sex. It freaks me out!

7) I heard my parents and saw them having sex and I wouldn't speak to them for a week. I was pissed!

8) I was doing some yoga moves and feeling pretty cool until I blew a gasket and let out the biggest fart. I didn't feel so cool after.

9) I told an old boyfriend that I faked every orgasm ever with him. He was devastated because he thought he was a porn star. He sucked. I think I made him cry.

10) I told my husband to spank me once in the heat of the moment. He didn't cup the hand, it hurt. I told him to never do it again.

11) My friend who will go nameless thought she was having sex with a man until he told her that she was "riding his hip!" LOL!

12) I accidentally pulled out some under hairs on a man before. He screamed.

13) I fell asleep one time when having sex.

14) I have handed lotion, Kleenex and a toy and told him to leave me alone before.

15) I fell out of bed one time. It hurt. I got a bump on my head from it.

There you go......

Nothing is sacred to me. Hope you got a good laugh and can't wait for the hatemail! I'm a housewife.....hate mail is my only means of getting nasty with people. I thank you for that!

Hows that for you Kel???????


Kel said...

OMG...I am still wiping the tears from my face while all of my co-workers stare at me like I've lost my marbles!

Yep, that was WAY better than the 15yrs of life meme...true to form you kept it interesting (although I might add, I've done a few of those..not the toilet paper in the crack thing, but I might just try it to see the look on my hubs face! Now that would be FUNNY!)

Brittany said...

Damn, you fart a lot. ;) lol

I'm not sure I can respond to anything else. I am blushing over here... ok, I'm not... but you know. ;) haha.

DysFUNctional Mom said...

I am DYING because I just read the word QUEEF on your blog.

Kori said...

Oh my Goodness! What am I going to do with you. I almost choked on my frosted mini wheats. I was coughing and hacking and my eyes was watering. All because right out the gate you are talking about Queef-ing. Jeez I think I need the heimlich... or possibly the hindlick. Hahaha How's that for modesty.

And I need you help. Go read help now!

tattooed mama said...

you rule lady! and you know, i think about half of those things have happened to me too...wierd. maybe you are more normal than you think.

Kathryn said...

You are just quite the farter, aren't you? The doctor story had me laughing OUT LOUD. Did you ever go back to that doctor again? I don't know if I could.

Great meme.

Kathryn said...

You are just quite the farter, aren't you? The doctor story had me laughing OUT LOUD. Did you ever go back to that doctor again? I don't know if I could.

Great meme.

Blessings From Above said...

OMG...I am cracking up!!!

Unfortunately, I can relate to most of these...

Lisa said...

Oh my gosh, you had me laughing. You and my husband must be related with all of the gas. heehee.

Isn't that in a movie, where the chick says, "By the way... I faked every orgasm." Now you've got me wwondering what movie that was!

Tara R. said...

I don't think I have laughed that hard in a loooog time - tears, snorting, even got a little lightheaded. I think I scared my son, and I couldn't even tell him what was so funny... didn't want to traumatize him. Thank you! You are one awesome firecracker!

Sandy C. said...

Oh my GAWD! I'm dying here. Seriously, I can't stop giggling!

I can't believe you peed on him! I wonder if your dogs got any bright ideas after seeing that happen ;)

p.s. Mine used to watch us too. Now he lives downstairs.