Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Mood Today.......brink of disaster.

The meds haven't kicked in yet. The rain is falling and so are the tears. I don't know why. I'm just sad. I'm sad because sometimes I feel like we get shit spread on a piece of bread for breakfast. I just can't help feeling this way. I blog about this because I need a place to put my thoughts in order to better myself. So, this is a pity party for me and emotions are running rampant. I don't expect you to read this, as it is a downer in the worst way. I have full intentions of having a sex blog up by this afternoon that will be much more entertaining. So, skip this post and come back for some pillow talk later. K.

First off, the negotiations with the job are stressing me out. Their initial offer was nothing we could accept. Not that it wasn't a good offer, but my husband makes way more now and he refuses to back track. I agree as much as I want him away from the slimy company he is at. This doesn't mean it's over by any means because we negotiate back now and they really, really want Craig to work for them. But what they want him to do may not be acceptable. Sioux Falls is a bloody town right now fighting for jobs. This company doesn't have what it takes to join the ring. So, we wait and see what is next.

Second....medical bills. I am so sick of paying on medical bills I could spit fire. We pay close to $700 a month in medical bills. I don't know why. My insurance is awesome and I had a deductible of $2000. How can I owe $6000 in medical dues. And then after doing some hard research, I find out that the hospital is screwing the hell out of me and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. Why? Because I'm to stupid to understand the insurance/hospital thing. The art of confusion. And then this stupid hospital is throwing a big bash for their employees. They are bringing in Rascal Flatts and Sheryl Crow. Okay, that's great because I did receive extra special care while in the hospital. I was spoiled and they deserve some extra love. But $5.5 million of extra love? I think not. I have to clean up puke where I work and trust me, I will never see a extravaganza like that. And for the love of all that is holy, my insurance has paid over $50,000 in medical bills and I can't even tell you how much I have spent out of my pocket. I think I am worthy of a damn ticket to see Rascal Flatts and Sheryl Crow. Son of a bitch. Non-profit hospital my dirty ass!

And then I think of all those wonderful fucking medical bills and realize that I am not even close to being done adding more to our account. I have a chronic illness and it isn't getting better. I am so close to a melt down today.

And then there is the basement, the flood, the hardships that eat at my stomach daily. It isn't going to get better with the basement. Why? Because we have to come up with $15,000 to PROVE that the bus barn is the problem for our floods, even though it is obvious. I don't have $15000 sitting in an account. So blow this....we are fucked.

I'm tired, no sleep, I'm exhausted from all the hot flashes, I feel out of control and I feel like crying like a baby. Okay, I have cried like a baby. I don't know what to do. You know what sucks the most? We are becoming closer and closer to becoming debt free. All of our vehicles and motorcycle are paid. We have paid $30,000 towards the principal of our house in 4 short years. We have small amounts on credit cards. We have medical bills that we are working diligently on. My house is consumed with hand me downs or consignment shopping items. The only things that we actually paid for is our 40 inch big screen t.v., or Wii, and our bed. That is it. And everyone remarks on how great of a decorator I am. All of my clothes are consignment. Yep, Plato's Closet is a God's send and so is another consignment shop that only has designer clothes for cheap. My hubby and child are dressed in the same attire, even though I usually splurge on Diva and buy Old Navy, Children's Place and JC Penny. I don't live a high life and we don't keep up with the Jone's. Why does it seem like we get shit on?

Okay, I am done. I feel a wee bit better. I am going to start on my sex post cuz that always makes me happy. If you made it this far, thank you. I don't expect sympathy. I don't expect you to feel sorry for me because even though I feel like I have poo flung at me daily, I also realize I have health, my daughter has health and my husband has health. And I have a wonderful, terrific extended family and a large group of supporters. I am blessed in many ways. I know that. I just need to vent about the shit now and again.

Love you all!


tattooed mama said...

you rule!
you deserve a ticket to the stupid hospital think. my mom and everyone that works with her on peds decided that they would be way happier with splitting the (i heard)7mil that they spent to put on this "family night"!
keep going lady, you will make it.
ps. i saw all of the bday pics and they are awesome! i might need coppies!

Kel said...

Venting is always good for the soul...hang in there!

Sandy C. said...

Sorry to hear :( Sounds like there is a ton on your plate. Hospitals are such a slimy business. Non-profit or not....they're all out to make a buck.

Hope things start to look up soon. *hugs*

Anonymous said...

Hang in there kiddo,when the meds finally kick in you will feel meds had to be changed when my mood deterated drastically.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it. I hoe that you and yours are haveing a good day.

Anonymous said...

Krissy,I guess you need to adapt the one day at a time for the stress,or if need be just 5 minuites at a time.I'm always available for moral suupport.That is what I do for everybody.I do this in order to help me maintain my soberity. When I first became sober I needed a lot of moral support and got it,so in order to keep it give it away. That's my story and I;m sticking to it.

Lilith Silvermane said...

*hugs* Good girl! Glad you let that out, we all need to vent.

Thanks for sharing with us!

Grandy said...

Breathe baby!! I'm praying for you. Feel better?

April said...

Sometimes we ALL Just need to have our crappy days and let it all out in a cry (or bitch!) fest. It's therapeutic! So don't feel bad for venting, missy!