Wednesday, June 18, 2008

My fingers are bleeding from pricing stuff so I figured it's time to talk about sex!

What better thing to talk about? What else would make my fans, er, friends happy and clapping. No, I'm not talking about winning the lottery or winning a trip to Brazil or something you goons. I'm talking S.E.X!

And guess what? I am going to do a guest blog on a online sex magazine thing. That's the only way I know how to explain it. But you can bet your sweet ass that I will post about it when I finish up my novel of a post.

So, today I am going to give you some facts. Fun Facts! Facts that may make you gag and throw up a little in your mouth or it could make you wee-wee in your pants. Or you will get angry that I am talking sex again and send hate mail in which I dare ya........cuz Momma ain't scared of your punk asses (trying to sound ghetto.)

So, gag, throw up, scream in horror , laugh, have sex or do whatever you want with this post because this is gonna be fun for me.

1)Penis No-No's

  • Icy cold hands......The penis turns into a "turtle" at this point.

  • Nasty harsh crusty palms. Use some lotion ladies. Calloused hands aren't really a turn-on.

  • excessive yanking. Don't treat it like you are brushing your toddlers bed head.

  • Teeth....Oh no....gum it. Always.

  • Nails. Don't go scratching your nails on his "stinky Twinkie" like you do when you scratch marks down his back.

  • I have to say it...but watch the "hair" down there. If you have ever had a wax job or a accidental hair pulled, you can understand this. If this has never happened to you.....don't do it.

  • If you are undoing the it carefully. If you have ever seen the show "Something About Mary" you will really get a visual of this. If you haven't seen the the S.O.B. cuz it is just funny as farts. BTW...Brett Farve makes a appearance in this show. Another reason to watch it.

2)Testicle No-No's:

  • Slapping.....uh,uh. No, may look funny by slapping it back and forth but it doesn't feel so great for the pee-pee.

  • spanking......what the hell are you thinking? Spank the ass all day long, just cup the hand so it does't sting as much.

  • fondling too hard and squeezing them like they are a stress ball. Bad, Bad idea.

3) Guys can keep an erection up to 40minutes. This should be an Olympic Event. This is ridiculous to me. I'm really glad to be a women right now although nipping out and cutting glass isn't the best of fun either.

4) Most men name their penis. You know, like the one-eyed monster, Peter, Slippery Snake, Happy Hard-On........whatever. You all know my favorite name "Stinky Twinkies!"

5)Ejaculations can exit the penis at up to 28mph! And they wonder why we gag and choke. Idiots. I swear, I'm gonna stick a hose down my husbands throat and turn it on full blast to see how he likes it.

And the big question is who the hell figured this out. Did some police officers sit in a car one night with the radar gun and test this logic? Weird.

So I wanna you enjoy these post? Do you find them helpful. Do you find them interesting? Do you find them anything? And for the record, I will repeat myself, I am not a demon for posting about sex. Yes....I am blunt and honest....but if you know me in person this would be normal for me. I am honest and say what I say because I can. Freedom of Speech!! And I really am as "real" as they get.

And I do believe in God! I also believe that sex is enjoyable for a reason. It's not just to produce spawns. It is a feeling, a good feeling and a connection. And I never, ever promote unsafe sex with someone you just met. E.V.E.R. I sell condoms too and I also sell a product that is like a shield for the women if she is given oral sex. So, haters.......back off! You may not approve, and I find it more humorous then hurtful. But I will give out names and I will let my posse of friends tear you up if you continue your comments. Don't come back......cracklickers.

Well, I am going to play with my brand new cell phone and get some cool ring tones. I'm thinking "I touch myself" just because I am that kinda gal.......

I'll look forward to your comments. If you like these posts a lot....please feel free to pass this post on to some of your non-prudish friends. I would love the linky love and be forever grateful!

Peace out!


Brittany said...

28 mph?!?! what the hell!! that's insane! Now I I understand... I am with you on the faucet idea.

Kel said...

As always, you bring a chuckle to my day! Seriously..spanking the balls?? I hadn't thought of that one, but next time the hub pisses me off...nah, he might take to waxing me as payback! HA

melissa said...

hi. i was sent over here by dysfunctional mom...
i must say...i'm glad she directed me here!!
see you again soon!

LunaNik said...

I love this post. Stinky effing crack me up!! AND, btw, please do share the names of your haters. I hate when bible beating trolls come along to hate on everyone who doesn't agree with them. They definitely need to be put in their place.

Kathryn said...

Oh girl. You crack me up!

Tara R. said...

Would that be EPM not mph? Too freakin' funny. You are priceless... forget the haters, one good lay and they would be fine.

A Buns Life said...

So much of it seems like common sense but but I always like the humorous spin you put on things! and 28 mph or whatever? That crap will poke your eye out!

Sandy C. said...

OMG!....28 mph?!!?

Gives new meaning to a tongue-lashing :S

Mama Zen said...

All I can think about is a couple of cops with a radar gun!

You are way beyond funny!

LaskiGal said...

You don't mind if I print out and put this on the fridge, do ya?

As for haters . . . there are plenty of blogs about rainbows and puppy dog tails that they can visit. And, well they should . . .

It is all about choice . . .

Anonymous said...

Holy crap!! 28mph?? And he wonders why I refuse to swallow!!

The spanking the balls made me laugh right out loud! I may just try that one day - if ever I have a death wish!

Blessings From Above said...

"excessive yanking. Don't treat it like you are brushing your toddlers bed head." I LOVE THAT LINE!!!!

I so enjoy these posts. Please don't stop!

Motherhood for Dummies said...

28 mph! Scary! I think I don't think that kind of speeding is allowed in my zone.

sltbee69 said...

Sex talk doesn't bother me so keep on keeping on with it. I learned some new names today and not just for penises either. LMAO!

Kori said...

This is just hilarious. But I never expect anything less from you Krissy. But hey I did learn something. That whole 28 MPH has really got me.

OHmommy said...


I needed this.

Mr. OHmommy thanks you.