Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
I did flash a trucker, because we needed some laughter in day. The trucker was a mighty happy soul too as he gave a few hundred thumbs up and tried to keep up with us. We left him in our dust though! So I made the day for a 60some yr old man, I'm a saint really!
I did scratch my butt, numerous times. There was a cat at my friends grandparents house and cats make me itch all over plus sneeze, blow snot all over and have red itchy swollen eyes. Thank God my sister-in-law lives there and we were able to bunk at her pad!
I am not a human cannibal, although I always thought I would be good at it!
Metalica has a restraining order on me, so I'm not a groupie.
I only ride on the back of our motorcycle and could never ever ride my own. I had a moped once and crashed into a block of wood and landed head first into a garbage can....I'm pretty sure I couldn't ride a motorcycle. As a matter of fact, the moped was never rode again. Hell, I can hardly ride a bicycle.
I certainly am still sleeping off the drunkenness from Saturday night and still have a crimp in my back from sleeping in a garden wagon. Those are really uncomfortable. I should have had a pillow.
I didn't fight any villains in the movies, but have been fighting off some serious villains (lawyer, insurance companies, hospitals) in my own life and feel like SuperWomen because am letting them have it. Plus I approached a few arched nemeses and put em' straight. I should win a Grammy for all the drama and stink that I am eliminating out of my life. I'm not being sad, I'm being happy that I am in control and ready to roll!!!!
I have been keeping my anxiety under control but could use a few more drunken nights!
I am not learning pig Latin but I will be taking some photo classes soon! I would like to learn Pig Latin though!
And I watch the Golden Girls everyday....so that was kinda true.
I am home now, but my days will be very full for the next couple of days. I will be very quiet here (ha,ha....me quiet!) so don't think I'm gone for good, just for a few days.
I have more villains to conquer and more self-empowerment to improve on. It is refreshing to take your life into your own worn hands and Ka-Pow.......out with the old and in with the new.
Firecracker is taking control and loving it. But it is exhausting so I can only do too much. Plus, I will have 3 lovely children here to destroy, whine, cry and yell over a million times how bored they are so I am going to be entertaining my niece and nephew (and my daughter) for a few days. I will increase the meds and be the happiest mom/aunt in the world.
See ya soon!
1) Been sleeping off the drunken day (last Saturday)?
2) Been learning how to drive a motorcycle?
3) Battling villains in the movies and gearing up for a grammy?
4) Flashing truckers my big boobs?
5) Went on a improve road trip?
6) Been watching a "Golden Girl" marathon? (since I love the show and am sad that Estelle Getty is gone)
7) Touring as a groupie with Metallica?
8) Joined the circus and became the human cannon ball?
9) Learning how to speak Pig Latin?
10) Been scratching my butt?
Number 10 is a trick question because I do scratch my butt however, it's not an everyday occurrence. Only on special days like my birthday or Christmas.
I have more sexy pictures to show. I need more. I'm not going to beg but I will plead with you. Come on ladies. Remember, we are women hear us moan.....oops I mean roar.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Friday, July 25, 2008
This has been my life. And it isn't really going to change anytime soon. Actually, *sigh*, it may get worse.
So I breathe in and I breathe out. Then I ask "Who Farted?" and then I try to breathe in and out again but gag on the stench. And when I breathe through my mouth I swear, I can taste the nasty.
And then I realize that I am out of control. I'm in a state of frenzy. My vocabulary is usually "What, where, when, why, WTF, piss, how long, NO, your driving me nuts, What do you mean, why are you bothering me again, I cannot do it, I can do it, I'm going to lite myself on fire!"
And then it's "My back hurts, my neck, my head, my legs, my body, my bowels, my teeth......everything hurts, even my big toe!"
And then I get 5 new books to read, one of them being my fav of favs Janet Evanovich's "Fearless Fifteen" and I can't fricking get through a page without being rudely interrupted by someone! Some cute little girl with sparkling blue eyes, 2 black naughty dogs with devil in their blood or one terrific husband with a gifted mind. Can I be mad at them??? You bet your mother's ass I can. And I do! I try sitting on the shitter just to get away but it doesn't work. It doesn't! Because they can still talk to me through the door or whine because one of the damn dogs has to be with me at all times. I cannot escape them.
I know, I know....it can always be worse. I hate that freaking saying even though I know it's true. But I want to gripe and complain because I am going to start riding the short bus soon people. No.I.Am.Not.Kidding! I really am going to ride the short bus for a wine tasting day but that's not the point. I mean the short bus where I am drooling from the mouth and speaking in tongues. That is going to be me.
So, when you don't hear from me, call out the brigade b/c it means that this firecracker momma blew her fuse. Ka-Pow!
And tomorrow is the Lawn Mower Poker Run. Yes, our little hick town actually has a lawn mower poker run. You wouldn't believe how fun this is. But we don't own a riding lawn mower because we don't really need one. So, I have been on a hunt for a freaking lawn mower. Ridiculous but I will be riding in that damn poker run and NOT be working for the damn fire department. And then there is karaoke and my b'day party and I am planning on getting drunk out of my mind. I might throw up through my nose, I might throw up in my purse, I might throw up in the grass, I might throw up while singing or I might pee my pants. Or, I might fart and deny it. I may just do it all. And come Sunday I will refuse to regret my drunkenness. Okay, I will say my usual "I will never drink again" but as for tomorrow.....no regrets. And I might run into my arch enemy and kick him in his man being. I might drop kick his ass and stomp on his man danglers. I might just do it. And I'll get his little whore too.......ha, ha, ha! Those hooligans are still speaking rudely about me and I'm getting pisser and pisser. I don't even talk to these fuck-ups! Seriously, why me??
And I might wanna quite this post before I get the police called on me!!! This is my 3rd post today. Why? Because I am trying to find my inner peace and this is it. So....read my sex post (2 of them) if you wish!
Merry Christmas! What, is that a sign that I'm loosing brain cells?
Do you remember the butterflies in your tummy? Do you remember feeling like you were drunk on life? Do you remember thinking that this feeling would never go away. The first orgasm.....how did you feel. Like rubber afterwards? Like you couldn't move even if you were on fire? Like you just felt a glimpse of pure orgasm heaven? Ya, there may be a orgasm heaven....don't doubt me! Just think!
Now fast forward. One to five kids later, dogs, home, work....life. Is sex even in your agenda? Do you consider it your nirvana? Do you think of it as a very important task? Or do you excuse yourself and your thoughts of sex by saying things like "I'm tired" or "The kids might walk in" or "I had to deal with too much shit today!" Do you have sex just to satisfy your mate or do you ignore him all together because "for better or worse," the man is roped to me for life. Did you realize that the percentage of married couples who have sex less then 20times a year is astronomical!!!!!! That the vast majority of married couples forget intimacy, pleasure, gratification, seduction, orgasms. Did you know that the majority of women go through sex like a chore. A responsibility instead of intimacy. Are you one of the women who fake the orgasm, oh and aww on command, but the entire time you are balancing your checkbook in your head. Are you scared yet????
Some animals have sex just to have babies. That is it. No good feeling, no love, no compassion. Not even a really good lay for criminey out loud. Do you realize that if you are having sex as a duty instead of passion, you fit in the same category as such animals. Brutally honest....but I have to give it straight.
So, I have to say this to you if you fall in this category! What in Sam's Hell is wrong with you???? Yes, I know life is exhausting. Been there, done that. But sex is a mindset as well. How much self control do you have? If you think of sex as a stress reliever, you are on the right track. Because you are considering sex as a pleasure instead of an errand. Do you have orgasms? Do you fake it and hope that tonight is the night that your hubby is a "one pump and dump" man? Are you thrilled when it lasts less then a minute?
Mindset!! Think of it as sexiness. You are sexy. Your hubby wants you and that makes you sexy. You are precious to him and you are the one he chose to have sex with for the rest of his life. That is unless you never give it to him and he finds affection through another women. One that is excited to please him. Yes, again, brutally honest but true. Most men cheat because they don't get satisfied at home. And women cheat because they are not getting their needs met. Whatever needs those may be. For women they differ. For men, sex is number one on his list. It's a proven fact. Don't argue.
Did you know that most women would rather shop then have sex. So translate that for your man: "She is too tired to have sex with me but isn't too tired to walk the mall 5X's searching for those perfect pair of shoes!" Hmmm...that just cut the testicles off of the man.
I target women more on this because I am a woman and I have felt this way. I changed it. I realized that I actually do enjoy sex, when I am thinking about sex while having it. When I am not concerned about tomorrows agenda. And I realized that after a orgasm, my mood is happy, my man's mood is happy, and everyone is happy. I entered into "Orgasm Heaven!" Told you there was such a thing. Don't argue.
Raunchy, hot, raw sex isn't for the young and single. It can be for you too. You can change it up, one night make it romantic with candles, edible undies, a few potions to whip up some intimacy. Then the next time make it hot! Use bondage if you are into it. Bondage doesn't have to involve whips and chains. Furry handcuffs work well or using some of your sexy fishnet stockings to tie to the bed. Switch it up!!!! Get a gosh dang vibrator already! Don't argue!
And when you see more happiness in your relationship you can thank me, firecracker, for evolving you into a housewife by day and a sexual wildcat by night.
Grrrrr! Now go get your "sex on!"
Technology changes all the time. Most of us fall victim to always needing the new stuff. Big screen t.v.'s, brand new dishwasher, upgrades in the mac daddy of cars. We have all done it.
Technology has changed in sex toys as well. And you don't know what you are missing because you are "hooked on that old feeling!" I will guarantee that when you finally get the nerve to retire "old faithful" and set it aside in a knee high sock, you will be excited to reach a whole new level of Orgasms. The best orgasm ever.
I'm not a pack rat. I have done away with the old and stocked up on the new. I have leaped into the wonderful world of satisfaction. I have yet to be disappointed! I have been very far from disappointment. I have been very, very far from disappointment. Oh, I am soooooo not disappointed.
What sounds more appealing to you? A semi-charged toy that will do the job but not make your toes curl and your eyes rolling into the back in your head or have the Hemi that makes your toes curl and your eyes rolling back in you head and relish in pure orgasm bliss?
I also have special boxes to hide such toys. No one wants their child to come out with guests at your house with a really cool sword. This is a box that would prevent disasters happening. It is easier for kids to get into Area 51 then to open up the toy box. Throw the sock away. This makes me shudder. Gross.
So, out with the old and in with the new. I'm sure you don't have shag carpet and orange walls in your home and that you have moved forward to the future. The dildo deserves the same respect.
Don't disrespect the dildo! It isn't fair. They deserve better. They deserve to "RIP!" You could even bury it and have a small service for it but even I, the craziest of crazies, would find that a little odd.
And it is an investment. An investment to shudder bliss. It is your time to enjoy a 3 in 1 toy. You deserve the Cadillac of vibrators. Yes you do!!!
And don't forget about your man. There are plenty of toys for him as well. Toys that work for both of you at the same time. Enhancement! You know what I mean. But there are also toys for him that are for the nights you have "headaches" or "your period" or "hemorrhoids swelling!"
He can still be happy without even bothering you.
So, give up the old, say goodbye, have a funeral and get with the program. It is time.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
OhMommy: If you read this....you just made my craptacular day a whole lot better. You may have saved someone from a serious whoop ass beating.
I'm going to be an optimistic.....and say that for once, lady luck liked me. Maybe she liked my HallMark Card.
So, I will be able to visit blogs again tomorrow so I'm not a piss poor poop pants brat and I can get in touch with my inner happy being. There's a thought. If you are looking for the sunshine rays and pretty rainbows, you are at the wrong blog. If you are looking at a jumble of heaping shit and rants and raves about everything and anything and challenge people to sexiness....you are right where you are supposed to be.
I am a year older so I should be more wiser.
Please, Please make a firecracker happy again and spark my fuse by sending me a sexy picture so I can keep the sexiness going. It could be your damn big toe that has fungus growing on it like mold, as long as it would make you feel sexy. I'm not sure if there is anyone in the world that would find that sexy and if you do have toe fungus try calling the doc. And don't wear sandals. K? Just some helpful hints.
I'm gonna think sweet thoughts at bed tonight of my almost in my possession nice ass camera and my upgrade to picnik.
I thought you were a friend
And now that your not
maybe I can say
I hope all of your teeth rot!
Starting rumors about me
makes you an ass
maybe you should light yourself on fire
and give it some gas!
So your having an affair
and you blame it on me
so I'm going to lift up my leg
and pee on you like you were a tree.
(to the freaks that say I started the rumor of the f'ing)
So you are a pre teen
and mouthy as hell
I just hope that you know
I'm reserving a room in jail.
That's it for now. I'm pretty sure they won't buy any of my cards. Mouthy daughter, crappy people.....it's a wonderful day.
Maybe I should just shoot myself in the foot. That would make for a better day. Or stick a hot poker up my butt. I could be optimistic and be happy I didn't have twins! Double mouthiness would send me over the edge.
Well, I'm gonna go get a bikini wax now because why not, I already feel like I got kicked at the "Y." And then I'll remove the knife out of my back.
Happy shitting fucking crappy ass son of a bitch dick Wednesday.
I won't be visiting many blogs today because I am in a fowl mood. I bet you couldn't tell.....
P.S. If you wish to buy one of these cards, they are on sale for $450,000. Yeah that's right. It's a bargain.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
She is such a rebel with a cause. Now if I could get the girl to start a blog before I start one for her. Another subtle hint love.
Here they are pretending to drink some wine, because the grown ups were. So, I let them pretend. However, I am going to keep my eyes on these two ding dongs. And the weird thing is that they were so wild and crazy, I would have swore they were taking some swigs of something. I was going to give them Breathalyzers. Brats.
And because my girly parts are missing and I won't ever birth a baby again, I steal everyone that I can get my hands on. My baby hogging sister in law was in for a rude awakening when I took the baby out of her hands all night long. Plus, I called dibs on him before the baby arrived. So, she had no choice. Everyone kept stealing my chair all damn night too. So, I had to call "Quack, Quack, seat back" every time I hoisted my ass out of a chair. They don't play fair either.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
This is Stacey from The Land of K.A. doing the prettiest Zoolander pose I have ever seen. And did you know that she made this dress???? Check out her site and see some other cool clothes. But look at that stance. Look at her confidence. Plain ass sexy!
You know, I have shared some pretty sexy pictures of myself here too. Remember this picture?
And then there is this picture.....me right out of bed. Ewwwww! Notice the hair with static, notice the blanket wrapped around me? Notice the look of sleepiness in my eyes? Luckily you can't see the boobs without the holster cuz that would have been disturbing but this was me, smiling, before meds! Sexiness: Being happy without meds.
Oh, here's a doozy! Me being.......um.....me! Wild, crazy, unfazed by the fact that I purposely make myself look like a looney bird. Sexiness: Being crazy and funny and loving life.
And then there's just me! Smiling, Happy, Content! But what the sexy thing about this picture is is that I am smiling and happy even though I feel like my body is deteriorating slowly. Sexiness: Not showing your pain!
Monday, July 14, 2008
I have a challenge for you.....can you guess who this would be??? What bloggy friend would be so cool and sexy that they would use whipped cream for their "Sexy Women Challenge?"
I'll give you a hint....she's cute, sweet and funny. Okay, that doesn't help much but I will reveal whose boobage complete with whipped cream and my name in her cleavage tomorrow. But you should try to guess.
I'm expecting more.....see....it doesn't even have to show your face and if you email the picture you can be stealth and not known. I just think that every women is beautiful, regardless of color, size. I want us all to feel a little sexy. And this bloggy boobed girl even admitted to feeling pretty darn sexy.
Rock on. Maybe I will let her do a guest post and tell you how she felt about this and how she felt invigorated by being a sex bomb. I actually considered having some of my good bloggy friends guest blog for me and just tell them why they like visiting my blog and what makes it unique and different from the others. I know, sorta vain because I want to hear good things about me but it would be interesting to get the knowledge. I'm considering it.
Woo-Hoo....my first taker. Gotta love this!
If you are interested....I blogged about my trials with my Fibromyalgia. Read if you would like!!!
You see, there are so many different effects of Fibroyalgia. It is a chronic disease that often goes unoticed. You cannot see my pain, unless you look deep into my eyes. You cannot feel my pain, unless you feel my heart palpatations and sweaty palms. You cannot hear my pain, unless you listen to me as a friend.
Most sufferers are considered hypochondriacs. Most sufferers are ignored when they want to cry out loud about the undescribable pain. I cannot tell you where the pain is.....I can just tell you that my body hurts. I cannot explain what I am feeling.....I can just say I am sad. When I call people and upon them answering the phone.....sometimes I forget why I called.
When my muscles spasm and my head feels like daggers are poking my brain, I often keep it to myself. Then I get sad, depressed, anxious, stressed, angry. Because I cannot explain what I am going through.
There is no cure. There is no magic pill. Finding the correct medicine to aleveate the symptoms is next to impossible.
Some doctors say this is "all a mental disorder" and that we make this up to get attention. Trust me.....if I want attention; I know how to get it. I don't need to make up a disease to feel loved.
This is my story of a chronic disorder that will not go away. I am not a hypochondriac.....I am a victim. Am I blessed? Yes...because as much as this disease sucks it will not kill me. I do not have to fight to live life on earth; I just have to fight to live life through chronic pain.
March 12th is Fibromyalgia Awareness Day. I didn't know this. I just found out. I am going to get more involved. I am going to do more research and I am going to consider starting a support group for people in my area or a online support group. There are others who suffer, and there are others who feel alone like me. Because it is devestating to tell your daughter that you cannot go for a walk with her because you are too tired. It is frustrating when it is time for supper, yet I can barely hold my head up. I am a housewife. I have my duties.....just as everyone else does. I used to take care of the yard.....I no longer can do this without serious consequences. I fight through it....I truly do. But I am alone because I am ashamed that I cannot do the things that I used to do.
I am scared that some friends are going to stop playing with me because they are sick of my condition and bickering. I think I already have. :-(
I feel very alone, which is why I get depressed and sad and angry.
I am ready to do what I do best and I am ready to fight. I am ready to help others and I am ready to live. Bear with me on the serious posts. Fibromyalgia will never, ever, ever take away my sense of humor, my bluntness and my sex posts. Ever!!!!!!
Please go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=STmQm-nHS08. This sums it up pretty well.
Now please go up and view the boobage picture again and try to figure out what bloggy friend was brave enough to use whipped cream and my name on her cleavage. She is great!
Sunday, July 13, 2008
I'm burping fire and I feel like my guts are so gaseous that I might explode. I'm like a ticking time bomb.
Ya see.....besides mental instabilities, forgetfulness, chronic fatigue and physical pain....I have digestive issues too. If you are confused, let me break it down for you.....I can't drop a load.
Can't do it...I've tried everything from mineral oil, enemas (shuddering), stool softeners, colon cleanse, sitting on the porcelain bowl breathing in and out, crying, praying, laxatives. Oh God the laxatives.....makes you feel like you are trying to shit a saw blade. The cramps are like I'm birthing an elephant.
And then I get crabby. And then I just walk around in circles because sitting is painful, moving is painful, laughing is painful, crying is painful. So, I just walk around trying to figure out what feels better.
And then I get muscle pains and feel like I've got the flu. But it isn't the flu. It's Fibromylgia. It's a part of me now. And I am feeling like I am beat up! More beat up then a lonely man's peter. Yeah, it's that bad.
And I know people are sick of me crying, whining and bitching. But I don't want to be the whiner. But I can't help it so your stuck with me.
I'm burping farts now.....not kidding. Serious indigestion. Holy Hell, what next. And when I am finally able to drop the kids off at the pool, it will feel like I am shitting a cactus out of my ass.
You won't be able to recover from this post. Ever. I apologize for your disturbing thoughts. But at least you aren't the one that smells like you just sucked a fart out of a cows ass. It could be worse. I'm not too optimistic right now so I cannot think of any thing that would be worse right now..........
Maybe my husband telling he can help (put your minds in the gutter to translate his proposal!)
Blogging is supposed to be a release of all of the devastation. It's a place for us to ignite a spark in us that we need. A place to share our thoughts, adventures, mommyhood and for me, even sex. It's just a place for us to have fun, meet new friends and relish in a few hours of "our time" by separating ourselves from the real world and voicing our thoughts on a blog.
And then you get the trolls, ghouls, haters, losers, bible thumpers, etc. that send hatemail because it is better to bash someone else then themselves. Maybe they are a little envious of the lives that others live. Maybe they are mortified by lifestyles we live. I mean come on ya all....I talk about pleasuring your spouse/boyfriend in sexual ways. I'll say some Hail Mary's for myself and then write another sex post because sex is NOT the Antichrist people.
I don't care about the haters that come here. I don't care about the whiners that like to make themselves feel big and special because they call me names and throw stones. As far as I am concerned, the hate mail only makes me laugh at the losers that sit on their couch all day, probably scratching their balls or if it's a women sitting in her tattered robe with curlers in her hair and a cigarette hanging out of her mouth, searching out blogs to bash. I say "Have fun White Trash, because if this is what your life has become and the only pleasure you get in life is sending hate mail, then I pity your soul!"
And if it is other fellow bloggers that is spreading hate, then I am truly ashamed of you. Because you should know that this is a place where men and women find a ounce of sanity and don't need to have you acting like you are all up in their shit. You are usually the ones that are jealous as hell and wish that you could live the life of others. The grass is always greener on the other side.
And if you are a bible thumper, pardon me for saying this but "Thou shall not judge others?" Hmmmm....you are a complete hypocrite. If you are looking for other blogs that are very religious and based only on religion.....then visit them.
Just because I don't blog about how much I love God and how much he has blessed me and how much I look towards heaven for peace every single day on my blog doesn't mean that I am the devil or an atheist. The truth is....these blogs are not who we are every minute of the day. Okay. You don't know that I have been on bended knee before praying for others who need prayers or praying because another soldier from South Dakota was killed and buried again. You.Don't.Know.
I'm sure of one thing....you target the blogs that you think will push these bloggers into a shell and scared to blog anymore. You target the sweet and innocent that don't like confrontation. This doesn't explain why you have targeted me besides the fact that I talk about beads up the ass but the point is.......you can direct all your hate mail to me.....because you don't scare me one single bit and I always have the last word. Is this a threat? Nope.....a promise.
You don't bother me.....what bothers me is the destruction of our one and only world. The killing of children, the hurt caused to people, the grief that seems unfair, the sadness that I can look at by just turning on the news. This bothers me. This hurts me. This makes me cry. Not a jealous, white trash, lonely person who finds nothing else to do but to talk trash to bloggers.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Pain in my legs, neck, back, feet, headaches, ass aches......Seriously, even my fricking hair hurts.
You know what I wish though? That the Hot Flashes would actually make me lose weight. I'm sweating.....I look like someone is pissing on my head constantly. Isn't sweating supposed to make you thinner?
Anyway, the meds are making me all google-ga-ga again and I don't know if I should be starting my ass or scratching the dishwasher. It's odd......I feel like a druggie.
Kel....I'm waiting sista.....the rest of you....just put a nice damn picture of yourself on your post and say "To Krissy.....Sex Diva" and I'll be happy. Let's go ladies.....I won't give up and I don't care if you stop coming here because of my hounding......I will still hound you at your blog. So, you don't have a safe place.
I didn't get any hate email over my very anal post yesterday. Surprising. Maybe the prudes decided to take my advice and they are humping like the Humpback Whales right now.
See.....saving the world, one orgasm at a time. You all thought I was kidding. Go back and click on all the links from yesterday or just go to www.partygals.biz and see what fun you could have.
Peace out! I think I'm seeing pink elephants riding motorcycles right now so I should get some shut eye........
Loves and hugs friends!
Friday, July 11, 2008
Thursday, July 10, 2008
I have mastered the art of taking 9, count them, 9 pills all at once with one swig of beer, er, I mean water. This task is not easy! Don't try it at home unless you are advised by a doctor who is sick of looking at your teary eyed face begging for something to make this all go away.
I have mastered the art of taking naps because I take pills 3X's a day that each and every one of them cause drowsiness. This makes for loads of fun when I am driving in the car. Hence: This is why one of my speakers are blown out because the music needs to be blaring or I doze off. I also take meds to help my bowels work and there are days that I am jamming to the music and ironically, this is when the bowels wake up so I have to high tail it home because I won't "go" anywhere else but in my bathroom. My sanctuary. TMI....I know....but I don't care.
I have mastered the art of giving the "stink eye" to my family. They know at this point that the pills have not helped for the day and to run away from me like their asses are on fire.
I have mastered the attitude of "I don't give a shit" and I will wear blue running shorts (Yes...think of the movie Juno because I don't give a shit!) and a purple shirt that doesn't even remotely match. Then for the hell of it, I will wear red flip flops and take a walk. I will even go through stores this way. Stare if you must, but the "stink eye" doesn't just work on family members. Oh, and I must mention that I do wear my spanx with shorts....I just hike up the legs of them. Sometimes, they fall and you can see my spanx seeping below the hemline of my shorts. Now that's sexy!
I have mastered the art of crying on demand. Diva no longer reigns as "Queen Bullshit". I have take over the drama in this household. And the ironic thing is she hates it. Ha, have a taste of your own shit is what I say.
I have mastered being spunky and funky and bitchy and witchy and sad and mad all in 1 min and 35 seconds. I'm going to apply for the Guinness Book of World Records.
I have mastered screaming at my dogs so loud that the pope hears me. And I'm sure he says a little pray for me and the dogs too. Amen.
I have mastered being a cynical bitch to customers (oops, excuse me, I get my hands slapped at Target for saying customers because you are all guests! I mustn't refer to people as customers, only guests......blah, blah, blahshit) However, I have mastered being a cynical bitch without the "Guests" not even knowing I am being a cynical bitch. This is something I cannot teach you in words. I am like the Dolly Llama who needs to show you my skills. The fee will be astronomical as I need knew boots to shove up people's asses.
And you would think that after 18pills a day that I would be living in La-La Land talking to Minnie Pearl. Nope, I guess that I am just such a bitch driven women that there ain't nothing, I mean nothing, that will extinguish the bitch.
Now....does this make me a mean ole' bitch every moment of every day. Well, okay.....some days it does. But there are the good days where I am shaken my boo-tay (see video in last post) and living life to the fullest. I am the Grand Marshall in fun. Still. I will always be fun. I will always have my loud belly laugh. I will always laugh. Because laughing through my tears is a mantra to me. Just every now and then I do all the above otherwise I would blow up.
But I swear, the on/off switch for me is dysfunctional and I'm going on a search for salvation. Sanity. And maybe the fountain of youth and the meds that make me the incredible shrinking girl.
Would you like to follow me? Wait....you might want to lead because I didn't mention that the meds also cause gas. So, show me the way! I'll be following you up the rear! (Ha, Ha....that just made me belly laugh!)
I still am waiting for those sexy damn pictures and I am going to pester you until I get them. Kel, April, Britany, Huckdoll, Dysfunctional, and all the rest of you......get your camera's ready. I mean it........or I will give you the stink eye!
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
We learned this dance in 1 hour.....not bad, eh???
In a world of crime, horror, sadness, hunger, global warming, dirty politicians, blah, blah, blah.....I like to focus on the torture of my own body. The torture when I do Yoga Booty Ballet. The torture when I try to wrap a leg around my head twice and then jump up and down while rubbing my tummy and patting my head.
But when it comes to dancing, I like to forget about the hostile world and center my world on me and my friends shaking our tails to Nine Inch Nails "I want to F*&^ you like an animal." Because instead of sitting at home watching the news and protecting my ears from all the turmoil we face, like having to sell a appendage for a tank of gas, I like to get down right dirty and look like a overaged, oversized, overugly stripper that would earn wooden nickels if ever given the chance on the pole. But, I did it with my friends and we laughed so hard we trickled pee in our pants, spit because our laughing turned into spastic giggles, and held our tummies because they hurt from laughing too hard. We had a ball. The above video isn't all of the friends that came. Some were to shy to be in the video knowing full well that it would end up on my blog. So, only the brave are shown in the video. In case you are wondering, I am in the pink. The one who's boobs look like oversized basketballs trapped in a bra.
I will do this again....soon. We all decided it will be done again.....soon. And I gotta tell ya....my ass is burning like there is no tomorrow because of this nasty dance. It worked the buttock area pretty damn good.
So, my challenge is for you to try to follow along to our nasty dance, even if you cannot see all of the parts, make some up. At the end of the dance, we were told to just dance sexy. I got confused at first and stood there like a beaver's butt until I realized I was supposed to be dancing sexy. But try to dance nasty, try to dance along. And then tell me all about it. Even if you dance to it in your mind, tell me if you would have felt sexy doing such a dance. And I would die if anyone of you actually video taped yourself doing a similar dance. I couldn't imagine it happening because it would be priceless. Forward this to your friends, the "Sexy Mom's Challenge" and lets see if we can get some great video's or pictures sent our way. Let me know in the comments area if you did this and it is on your blog. I hope to see some firecrackers out there.Only the Brave apply!!!!!
Monday, July 7, 2008
We are considered fun, outgoing, and caring.
We are tenacious and strong-willed and like to get our way. If our well-documented kindness and gentleness doesn't do the trick, however, we are not above using emotional manipulation to make things happen. If that still doesn't work, we'll just go back to our shell and sulk, or find a way to get back at the source of our pain, since Crabs can be rather vindictive. That said, any self-respecting Crab would tell you that they are ultimately motivated by protecting their home and loved ones, a most noble goal.
This is seriously me in a crab shell. I love to hear people laugh. I love to see people smile. I love seeing people happy. I love to laugh, I love to smile, I love being happy. But screw with me and my own and I will not forget and I will prevail. I am vindictive.
Some people consider me immature and irresponsible. I beg to differ. I have fun...yes I do however, I am the first person to line up to help the schools out for my daughter. She is a very well behaved happy child. She doesn't run from me like the plague if I ask her personal questions. We have had the talk about sex, maturity, puberty, and much more. I take care of my husband, I clean my house, I take care of the dogs, I own my own somewhat successful business, I work part-time at Target, and I am an instructor for the Red Cross. I do all the housework and I babysit a number of kids because they all migrate here. I do homework with my daughter, we eat supper together almost every single night and I usually cook the dinner we eat.
Our bills are under control. My 2001 car is paid for, my 1998 Jeep Grand Cherokee (that sits in the driveway never used) is paid off, our motorcycle is paid off. We are not choking on credit card debt and in the 4yrs that we have lived in this house, we have paid 1/3 of it off. That is really pretty good.
I don't spend money that we don't have and I don't take out loans on things that will be a ball buster in the end. I have sacrificed a lot so that I can give to my husband and daughter. I spend a lot of time with our extended family and I am very close to my parents and sister and her family plus Craig's family. I don't live up to the Jones. I don't need to be in debt just because so and so has something and I don't. I don't care what others have. I am generally happy for their happiness.
I dominate conversations quite often but most of the time it is because I have something to talk about while others don't have much to say. So, I talk so we are not staring at each other like statues or talking about the f'ing weather.
I've been considered a whiner. Hmmm....well lets break this down. I had a car accident that hurt my back a lot, the floods that have destroyed our home, the mold that caused havoc on our health, spinal meningitis, a hysterectomy and now fibromyalgia (again, I don't take the time to look to see if the spelling is correct, the way I see it is that it absorbs a lot of my life already). My daughter has severe allergies and my husband suffers from them as well. I work hard to keep this under control but damn it.......it deserves a few whines. I take 18 pills a day to help with my health shortcomings. This sucks rotten eggs.
I have fixed friends before. I have fixed their problems and held their hands during some tough times. I have helped friends during parties, celebrations, new babies, etc. Most of the time going unnoticed. I don't do it for the glory, I do it for the friends.
But just when I do that for them and they give me sweet "thank yous" for the time being but then forget. Forget what I do and then start pulling me in reverse. Try doing anything that makes me look like an immature, attention getter, selfish bitch.
I can say this: No more....No more go to girl. No more. You have something special that needs to be taken care of.....call Ghostbusters....not me. You have a party to plan and need help, call a party coordinator because I am not interested. You need a babysitter, call Super Nanny.
All the while all I am doing is having fun. Enjoying my life to the best way possible. Relishing in the good days and not the bad. Celebrating when I don't have deep muscle pains or a wrenching headache that makes me sleep my day away. And I get beat up! I am not a hypochondriac....I am a women suffering. Would you call a person with Cancer a hypochondriac? Just because mine is life threatening doesn't mean it isn't any less of a bother to me.
Me and my husband and my friend play Marco Polo when we are at the mall. We take pictures of things with our phones and then we have to find each other. We are hiding behind curtains and crouching behind shelves. This may sound immature but guess what, we're the ones having fun and the fun-haters are the ones sitting at home doing nothing.
My daughter has always been well behaved. Never throwing fits in a store (with the exception of one time), never smacked me in the face out of anger and never screaming at me in disrespect. Yet, I am the irresponsible one. She talked before she was 1yrs old, she knew some sign language at 2yrs old and was reading at 4yrs old. This was because I read to her, I taught her, I did things with her. I opened her eyes to the outside world because I didn't have to worry about her mood at the time. We didn't schedule our appointments around her behaviors. And I didn't use spanking to do this. Yes....she still has her faults, like any kid, but she is more well behaved then a lot of other children I know.
I want to jump out of a plane, I want to ride every roller coaster there is, I want to dance with my friends, I want to swim with the dolphins, I want to learn to surf. I want to play Marco Polo at JCPenny's and at the local pool. I want to have too much to drink sometimes and meet new people. I want to hang with friends that are not prudes. I want to be me......and I will be. I will fix myself. I will no longer acknowledge the haters in my life and if I am dominating a conversation and you don't like it......tell me. I'm a big girl. I'll deal with it. But before you judge you should consider first if you have anything interesting to talk about.
No more Mrs. Nice Girl. No more Mrs. Fix It. No more Mrs. Go to Girl. That is, unless you are a true friend and you love me for me and then I will do what I do best. Try to fix you.
A song that ones through my head at this point is "Fix You" by ColdPlay. I love this song. It means a lot to me. Because it is the same words I say over and over to myself sometimes. It is MY song.
Go here if you want to listen to MY song.
Tonight me and a few good friends are going to learn a very fun, hip dance from my daughters dance instructor. It was meant just to get some friends together for a pre-birthday fun but of course, some won't be there because I am not important enough. Granted, there are many that have pre-plans and they cannot help that.....but the others who don't feel like it will no longer get help from this firecracker when they need it. And trust me, they will eventually need me for something. Sweet, Sweet revenge.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Accent: All American with a hint of speech impairments. I have a hard time saying moped, toilet, burger, and most things that end in "ING." But I have gotten better.
Chore I don’t care for: Laundry....I despise it. It is never ending. I can have it all done and it multiplies before my very own eyes. I hate laundry. Folding, putting away, folding, ironing. Yuck.
Dog or Cat: We are all very allergic to cats so I am most definitely a dog lover. I love dogs because they are always there to love you when you feel down. They are faithful and loyal.
Essential Electronics: My laptop, my MP3 player, my T.V. my XM radio. My adult toys that require batteries. My phone....the list could go on and on.
Favorite Cologne: Pheromones through Partygals. Not only does it smell different on each individual but it makes men hot for you, women tend to be at ease with you and children tend to relax a bit. It is proven. I swear. Plus it reacts to your natural body odor and smells delicious on everyone. I haven't had an unhappy customer yet.
Gold or Silver: Oh of course gold. Have you seen the price in gold recently? Geesh!
Handbag I carry most often: I switch purses a lot. Currently it is my Prada bag that seems to suit me fine for now. Next week I will be using a Ralph Lauren bright red and shiny purse.
Insomnia: Not when you are on as many drugs as I am. I could sleep all day and all night because I am basically in a coma.
Job Title: I sell wonderful sex toys, potions and lotions. I work at Target part-time and I am a full time maid, mom, taxi, sex slave, dog watch, pooper scooper, babysitter etc.
Kids: A beautiful, delightful, somewhat impossible daughter.
Living Arrangements: Hubby, daughter, two dogs and a bunch of nasty carpenter ants. They are invading my home.
Most Admirable Trait: Making people laugh and some other R rated things that I won't discuss.
Naughtiest Childhood Behavior: Oh I don't know...how about falling down the stairs and blaming my sister so she would be punished. Or dropping a economy size pledge bottle on her head, or sticking a toy in her hair that made it tangle up in the toy and my mom had to cut it out, all the drama I brought to our family.........etc.
Overnight hospital stays: Good Gracious...this will be long. Numerous times for my kidneys. Had major kidney surgery as a child. A C-Section to birth my daughter, spinal meningitis, hysterectomy, possible appendix removal.....I was in the hospital all the time as a kid with my kidneys.
Phobias: Snakes....slimy snakes. I have nightmares.
Quote: "Mothers hold their children's hands for awhile; but their heart forever!"
Reason to smile: My daughter that acts just like her mom, my husband who is a savior, God for given me the blessings, my parents, my dogs, my friends, my extended family, my in-laws, strangers that smile and hold the door for you, blogging, central air, rainy lazy days, health.
Siblings: A brat of a sister, Holly.
Time I wake up: 7:30am. Clock work. Actually, the alarm clock is 20 minutes ahead so more like 7:10am.
Unusual Talent or Skill: I would make you blush with this question. You can draw a picture if you would like.
Vegetable I Refuse to Eat: There are not very many. I love veggies. I'm not a fruit eater.
Worst Habit: Snapping my gum.
X-rays: I couldn't even begin to count these. Way more then most people.
Yummy Stuff: Bread with honey butter.
Zoo Animal I Like Most: Elephants. They are so sweet and large and I just love them.
That's it. Not interesting. Not funny. Just plain ole' boring me. I am tired and weak so I must go to bed. Tomorrow is MY day. Yep, the 4th of July is MY day because I am the firecracker. As a matter of fact, July is MY month because in a few weeks I will have a birthday. So, MY day and MY month. But I am willing to share. H
Happy 4th friends and stay safe.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
2) When people talk bad about you and make up disgusting rumors about you. Tell everyone you know what they did. The next thing you know......the oxymoron's that started it all will be hated by all and will regret ever messing with your life. Or, just give them a good swift kick to their "man danglers" and walk away feeling like the "Queen of Ball Busting."
3) When at a water park and you look like a snowman because tanning beds make you have severe hot flashes, put on some carrot oil and then realize that you are so burnt that you may have just charcoaled off 2 layers of skin. Then blame your friend that is dark and came with the carrot oil that it is all her fault.
4) Don't automatically assume that every door is a automatic door. You look like a real numb chuck when the door is not automatic and you slam into it with your face smooshed up against it and you dislocate your nose. There's no rebounding from this. You will be confused at first, possibly a concussion, and you will notice your face imprinted on the door. People will ask you if you are okay. I usually laugh out loud even though the dislocated nose hurts like a screwdriver was just shoved up a nostril and it scrambled my brains. Sometimes people give you the "sympathy laugh" but most of the time they lead you to the automatic doors or they open the doors for you. I guess it can be labeled as chivalry.
5) If your husband wants to play "phone tag sex" and you text each other naughty pictures while one of you is out and about......erase the messages before an unsuspecting friend looks at your pictures. This causes embarrassment especially if you are giving a boob shot and your spanx are up to the "girls" in the picture. Most of the time people don't even look at the boobs and just wander what the hell I am wearing. And don't wear spanx to a doctor or chiropractor because they seemingly get a little giggle out of your choice of undergarments. I told them it was a chastity belt so my husband would stop molesting me. It sorta worked.
Thanks for the kind words and support of my blog. I haven't been around lately to comment on yours as we have had guest practically all weekend. I've been busy entertaining. Everyone is still sleeping right now after a late night at the drive-in movies so I thought I would add a quick post. I should have time tonight to visit my awesome supportive, wonderful, sensational friends tonight. I'm honored that you all like my post and enjoy the realness I bring to blog world. If my real-real friends were to ever comment (besides Stacey E. and Nicki but Stacy B. you are in hot water!!!! Just kidding) they would be more then happy to tell you that who you see on this blog is who you see when I am up close and personal. I am me......and although I would love to lose a hefty 50lbs from my butt and could cut the "girls" down a size......I like being me. And because sex is my business....I will write about it. And because my pre-teen daughter is driving me to drink......I'll write about it. And because my hubby works from home now and I want to hang myself from a tree.....I'll write about it. And because my dogs are seeds from Satan.....I will write about it. And because I am a klutz.....I will write about it.
And because I have such loyal friends.....I'm gonna make the decision and say that you all have a little firecracker in you too.....or you wouldn't be here with me today.
He, He! Now go light that firecracker ladies. Firecrackers Unite!