Thursday, July 10, 2008

My Narnia??? 18 pills a day with a beer to wash them down.

I gotta tell ya.....yes again....that I am on a path to salvation. I'm either looking for the path of salvation to be a well-rounded individual again and not the 18 pills a day or I'm psycho bitch or I'm looking for the path of starvation so I'm not so well-rounded (especially the buttocks area and the boobage vicinity!)

I have mastered the art of taking 9, count them, 9 pills all at once with one swig of beer, er, I mean water. This task is not easy! Don't try it at home unless you are advised by a doctor who is sick of looking at your teary eyed face begging for something to make this all go away.

I have mastered the art of taking naps because I take pills 3X's a day that each and every one of them cause drowsiness. This makes for loads of fun when I am driving in the car. Hence: This is why one of my speakers are blown out because the music needs to be blaring or I doze off. I also take meds to help my bowels work and there are days that I am jamming to the music and ironically, this is when the bowels wake up so I have to high tail it home because I won't "go" anywhere else but in my bathroom. My sanctuary. TMI....I know....but I don't care.

I have mastered the art of giving the "stink eye" to my family. They know at this point that the pills have not helped for the day and to run away from me like their asses are on fire.

I have mastered the attitude of "I don't give a shit" and I will wear blue running shorts (Yes...think of the movie Juno because I don't give a shit!) and a purple shirt that doesn't even remotely match. Then for the hell of it, I will wear red flip flops and take a walk. I will even go through stores this way. Stare if you must, but the "stink eye" doesn't just work on family members. Oh, and I must mention that I do wear my spanx with shorts....I just hike up the legs of them. Sometimes, they fall and you can see my spanx seeping below the hemline of my shorts. Now that's sexy!

I have mastered the art of crying on demand. Diva no longer reigns as "Queen Bullshit". I have take over the drama in this household. And the ironic thing is she hates it. Ha, have a taste of your own shit is what I say.

I have mastered being spunky and funky and bitchy and witchy and sad and mad all in 1 min and 35 seconds. I'm going to apply for the Guinness Book of World Records.

I have mastered screaming at my dogs so loud that the pope hears me. And I'm sure he says a little pray for me and the dogs too. Amen.

I have mastered being a cynical bitch to customers (oops, excuse me, I get my hands slapped at Target for saying customers because you are all guests! I mustn't refer to people as customers, only guests......blah, blah, blahshit) However, I have mastered being a cynical bitch without the "Guests" not even knowing I am being a cynical bitch. This is something I cannot teach you in words. I am like the Dolly Llama who needs to show you my skills. The fee will be astronomical as I need knew boots to shove up people's asses.

And you would think that after 18pills a day that I would be living in La-La Land talking to Minnie Pearl. Nope, I guess that I am just such a bitch driven women that there ain't nothing, I mean nothing, that will extinguish the bitch.

Now....does this make me a mean ole' bitch every moment of every day. Well, okay.....some days it does. But there are the good days where I am shaken my boo-tay (see video in last post) and living life to the fullest. I am the Grand Marshall in fun. Still. I will always be fun. I will always have my loud belly laugh. I will always laugh. Because laughing through my tears is a mantra to me. Just every now and then I do all the above otherwise I would blow up.

But I swear, the on/off switch for me is dysfunctional and I'm going on a search for salvation. Sanity. And maybe the fountain of youth and the meds that make me the incredible shrinking girl.

Would you like to follow me? might want to lead because I didn't mention that the meds also cause gas. So, show me the way! I'll be following you up the rear! (Ha, Ha....that just made me belly laugh!)

I still am waiting for those sexy damn pictures and I am going to pester you until I get them. Kel, April, Britany, Huckdoll, Dysfunctional, and all the rest of you......get your camera's ready. I mean it........or I will give you the stink eye!


Brittany said...

ha ha ha. I love that you added me in that. I'm not so sure I have that sexiness in me.

Kel said...

hahaha...not the STINK EYE! (as I run for the hills) oh wait...are you following me?? :)

Seriously..if you find Narnia will you take me with you?

Queen of the Mayhem said...

Will there be cocktails served in Narnia? If so....I'm IN!!!!

Kathryn said...

Gotta love the stink eye! :)

DysFUNctional Mom said...

Sanity is highly overrated.
Sexy pics? Umm, yeah. OK.
You should've seen my poor family this past Monday. I didn't have my meds and the pharmacy closed for the 4th of July.
I was out all weekend. was bad.

Stacy said...

I can totally see you giving it to the "guests" at Tar-get and them not having a clue. ;)

As for the dancing - you work it girl! I however have not danced in a good long time. It's sad really because I LOVE to dance. At rodeos we had dances pretty much every Saturday night growing up. I had no problem going out in the middle of the dance floor and bustin a move by myself. Alas the hubby does not like to dance. :(