1) When you are out drinking with the girls.......tell guys that you are on a treasure hunt and your seeing how much money you can make. I let them stuff in in my shirt....at the top. No touchy the boobies. I made $150 something for my friends bachlorette party and made $80 something just for the the hell of it a few weekends ago. Men are drunk and stupid. It's fun to have a free night out and come home with money. Only do this if your husbands/boyfriends are not jealous freaks and will shit a dog. This may sound like being a hooker or a pole dancer (which I support pole dancing) but you are not doing any sexual favors and unless you are on a pole, you have nothing to worry about.
2) When people talk bad about you and make up disgusting rumors about you. Tell everyone you know what they did. The next thing you know......the oxymoron's that started it all will be hated by all and will regret ever messing with your life. Or, just give them a good swift kick to their "man danglers" and walk away feeling like the "Queen of Ball Busting."
3) When at a water park and you look like a snowman because tanning beds make you have severe hot flashes, put on some carrot oil and then realize that you are so burnt that you may have just charcoaled off 2 layers of skin. Then blame your friend that is dark and came with the carrot oil that it is all her fault.
4) Don't automatically assume that every door is a automatic door. You look like a real numb chuck when the door is not automatic and you slam into it with your face smooshed up against it and you dislocate your nose. There's no rebounding from this. You will be confused at first, possibly a concussion, and you will notice your face imprinted on the door. People will ask you if you are okay. I usually laugh out loud even though the dislocated nose hurts like a screwdriver was just shoved up a nostril and it scrambled my brains. Sometimes people give you the "sympathy laugh" but most of the time they lead you to the automatic doors or they open the doors for you. I guess it can be labeled as chivalry.
5) If your husband wants to play "phone tag sex" and you text each other naughty pictures while one of you is out and about......erase the messages before an unsuspecting friend looks at your pictures. This causes embarrassment especially if you are giving a boob shot and your spanx are up to the "girls" in the picture. Most of the time people don't even look at the boobs and just wander what the hell I am wearing. And don't wear spanx to a doctor or chiropractor because they seemingly get a little giggle out of your choice of undergarments. I told them it was a chastity belt so my husband would stop molesting me. It sorta worked.
Thanks for the kind words and support of my blog. I haven't been around lately to comment on yours as we have had guest practically all weekend. I've been busy entertaining. Everyone is still sleeping right now after a late night at the drive-in movies so I thought I would add a quick post. I should have time tonight to visit my awesome supportive, wonderful, sensational friends tonight. I'm honored that you all like my post and enjoy the realness I bring to blog world. If my real-real friends were to ever comment (besides Stacey E. and Nicki but Stacy B. you are in hot water!!!! Just kidding) they would be more then happy to tell you that who you see on this blog is who you see when I am up close and personal. I am me......and although I would love to lose a hefty 50lbs from my butt and could cut the "girls" down a size......I like being me. And because sex is my business....I will write about it. And because my pre-teen daughter is driving me to drink......I'll write about it. And because my hubby works from home now and I want to hang myself from a tree.....I'll write about it. And because my dogs are seeds from Satan.....I will write about it. And because I am a klutz.....I will write about it.
And because I have such loyal friends.....I'm gonna make the decision and say that you all have a little firecracker in you too.....or you wouldn't be here with me today.
He, He! Now go light that firecracker ladies. Firecrackers Unite!