Friday, August 29, 2008

A thought to think about....

Will Nature survive the wild beast?


Will the wild beast survive nature?

Tomorrow my husband and I are going to partake in a "Birthday Bash" that my wonderful sister-in-law has so thoughtfully arranged. It is about a 3hr drive for us. We will be going with nothing but the bare essentials. A few clothes, sleeping bags, pillows, deodorant (because I wish for no one to smell my body odor....ewww!), toilet paper and some food.

It will be a test. A bonafide test to see if I; hot flashing, menopausal, part-time psycho, full time whacko; will be able to survive nature. To see if I can give up air condition for a mere 24hrs. To see how well I can pee in the woods. To see if I can take a bath in a dirty pond. To see if I can dig a hole to poop in (you dig a hole so you can cover it up after. This is important. You don't want someone else stepping in your shit.) To see if I can make edible food over a open flame. To see just how well nature likes me or how much I like it! To see if I can handle the wild animals and slimy snakes. To see if I can make the mile long hike planned. To see if I can survive bugs!

I have my work cut out for me. In the past, when I have used a bush for a toilet, I usually pee down my leg. I usually have a difficult time sleeping. I usually fret about snakes crawling into my sleeping bag. I have never pooped outside. My daughter has many of times, so I will be getting advice from her before we leave. I have burnt corn over my stove top before. I sweat like a hog in the air condition. I like bathing in clean water. I've never been considered a "Nature Girl" before. Never, Ever, Ever!!!! I didn't mention that I would be using a plastic spoon to dig my hole if nature called. If nature did call, I don't think I would have time to dig a hole with a flimsy piece of plastic!


Actually, I kid you. I will be outdoors but if I get too hot, I can go inside my air conditioned cabin. And the toilet has running water. And there is a shower. And there is a swimming pool. And a Zip-Line. And a grill. And actually, my sister-in-law is making all the food. And I don't have to go on the mile long hike if I don't want too. And we will be drinking Margarita's. And there will be over 30 people there to kill a snake if I see one. I will wear bug spray too. And there will be a hay ride. And a campfire. And dirty practical jokes pranked on the men (Women Vs. Men). And we are actually going to a restaurant to eat supper.

And I gauran-fricking-tee that I will have a super time. And all my troubles and worries are going to be left at home. And I will relish in a stress-free adult night.

I must tell you though...the digging a hole to crap in is a very useful piece of information. I learned this a few years ago, when we did a Niobrara trip (Niobrara River is in Nebraska. You lay on tubes all day long while the current takes you down to your campground. The water is usually only knee high. It is beautiful. It is fun. But the campsites are far from any toilets. The trees are your potty room!), my friend walked into the woods by herself with her trusty plastic spoon. I wasn't sure what she was doing and my curiosity was sparked. When she came back I questioned the spoon. Everyone looked at me funny. I was the only person who didn't know the "rules" of pooping in the great outdoors. I laughed my ass off. I couldn't imagine walking away with a plastic spoon. Everyone would know what I was doing. I am shy like that. Thankfully, I was constipated so I didn't have to worry about it.

And so now you can go away with valuable information. And you can think of me next time you are digging your hole....wait....nevermind that.

Your welcome.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

She woke up bright eyed and anxious........

And then she went to school......
But the really amazing thing is her mother was not hysterical. As a matter of fact...her mom didn't shed a tear. And even more matter of factly, her mother wasn't crying and sucking her thumb in a corner when she didn't want her mother to take her to school today...she wanted to walk. She was impressed that I let her walk out the door without becoming a blubbering sissy pants. She told me that last years hysterics were embarrassing. She would have probably relocated had last years occurrences repeated themselves. Geesh!
I was stunned myself. Sure, I bawled my eyeballs out the night before. I considered calling my home schooling sister in law for valuable home schooling advice. Then I remembered that my patience could cause some tension in my home schooling plan. So then I considered moving to Omaha where my sister in law lives so she could home school MY daughter everyday. I know she would do it. She's Mother Theresa! She has the patience of a saint. She loves my daughter. Probably as much as I love my nephews and niece. I could just drop off my child everyday like it was a school. Except all the trials and tribulations that public school comes with wouldn't pose a problem to me any longer. Don't get me wrong, I love my daughters school and teachers. But the dream of having my loving sister in law being my daughters teacher is very intriguing.

That's the ideal world. And in case you haven't noticed....I don't live in a ideal world.

*double dog sigh*

Then I considered moving down by my parents so Diva could go to the same school that her cousins attend. Be in the same school that both grandparents and aunt work in. Oh, the dreams I have.

Dang it!

Now I'm going to interrupt this current psychotic episode to bring you back to my real life. My daughter went to school. An actual school, not her incredible aunts house with her terrific cousins. She went to a school that didn't have her other cousins there or her grandparents and aunt. Instead she went to school with all her great friends and came home to a very enthusiastic mom and dad, begging her to give them a description of her day. And after being asked a thousand times "what did you do today?" she would simply answer: "Nothing!"

What??? Then her little friend came over and I begged for an ounce of conversation that involved her school day as well and she said the same damn thing. "NOthing....we didn't do anything Krissy, I swear!" Then I smacked her in the back of the head and told her to go home.

Just kidding....but I was quite disappointed with these two brats. Then we went to dance where her other classmates were and both of them were more interested in discussing important boy matters with Diva then to speak to her boring old mother. And let me remind you, Diva's friends all call me mom. And they all treat me like I'm their damn mom too. Rugrats!!!!!

The point to all of this is my baby girl went to 5th grade, with a friend, and her mother wasn't a basket case needing a straight jacket and a white padded room. And so as she heads onto a new adventure I move onto a new world of bucking up and letting the times change!!!


And just now I came to the realization that this ungrateful spawn of mine was housed in my womb for nine agonizing months! Nine months of her kicking my spleen and climbing on my rib cage. Then she refused to exit my beat up body and decided to give me hell when I tried pushing her out into the world. 24hrs later she was ripped from my stomach and then had the nerve to cry and cry until she was fed. So, if I want to walk her happy ass to school and bawl like a baby, I have all rights to do so. And if she squawks to much at me I will just put her back into my body and hold her there until I'm dang well good and ready! What a selfish child.......
I'm gonna go wake her up to inform her of this new revelation. Thank you all for the support and good night!
P.S. I'm gonna start making my way to your blogs this week. Hang in there with me friends. Tomorrow I work all day and tomorrow night is quite busy but I will get there. Thanks again for the great support line. And I wished like hell I lived next to every single one of you.

Monday, August 25, 2008

It's that time......

Realizing that your child is growing up SUCKS! Teaching your baby girl to shave SUCKS!
Discussing important "girly" topics with your baby girl SUCKS! Sending your baby girl to school SUCKS!

But meeting a teacher who already gave your baby girl a big hug and said "Can't wait to see you tomorrow for the first day of school!!!!" was awesome. Watching your baby girl picking out the cutest outfit in her closet to show off her newly shaved legs is awesome. Having your baby girl showcasing her favorite outfits and acting like a model is awesome. Seeing your baby girl interact with other kids at school, seeing friends again, laughing, smiling, flirting with some boys, flashing her award winning smile with her sparkly blue eyes is awesome.

So tomorrow is the first day of school and for the first time since Diva has started school I will not be escorting her to SCHOOL! I won't be holding her hand, I won't be sitting with her while they figure out what bus she will ride, I won't be standing on the sidelines, crying, saying goodbye to our summer. Instead, I will pack her lunch, give her a smooch, tell her I love her and to have a great day at school then I will watch her walk out the door with her friend and wave as they gossip the whopping block to the shuttle bus. I will most definitely cry after she walks out the door. I already have. I will get a hug from my supportive husband and I will then jump in the car with my wild friend and will have a drink while my daughter is slaving away at school and my husband is hard at work. And I will most definitely laugh. And I most definitely will giggle. I will most likely smile as I think of them slaving away at school and work while I sit and have a beer in the middle of the afternoon. Ha!

I also have to inform my husband who has been away for the last few days but will be home within the hour that his 10 1/2yr old daughter shaved her legs. She missed a lot of hair however, she did not cut a gaping wound into her knee like I did the first time I shaved. I'm not sure if that wonderful supportive husband will approve of my decision. I'm gonna have consider dropping to my knees before I give him the news. LOL! Or I could just not tell him...I don't think he would notice. I'll see how tired I am upon his arrival. :)

I'm gonna miss my daughter terribly tomorrow. I have been relishing our time together recently. My hubby, Diva's friend, Diva and myself took the dogs to a lake the other day for a swim. It was so fun and such a happy time for all of us. We also all went shopping for a backpack and last minute school supplies while seeping on Frosty's. I took Diva and 3 friends to a movie and supper. It was a good time for all. Well, my hubby didn't particularly care for the shopping as the mall gives him hives but we just ignored his pouts like we always do.

Tomorrow will be sad for me but I'm pretty sure I will survive the moment. I realize that times change and that every day is one day closer to Diva not needing her mom as much. I realize that she is growing into a beautiful young girl and that she is slowly becoming a teenager. But I'm okay with this for this time.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

The People have Spoken....


You have reached the blog of Firecracker.

I am not mentally stable at this time so if you would like to leave a message, just make sure there are no big words like "and" or "the" because I won't be able to read it if you do.

Have a great day! :)


Oh....just kidding...sorta.

Do you know how many emails I have received??? Do you know how much I have been told I am missed??? I have been pleasantly surprised how many others are just as insane as I am. How many have admitted to issues as well. There are tons of people who cry when their baby is going to school. It is startling to see that there are so many who use a prescribed Rx to make them happy too! Just.Like.Me.

I am really doing okay. The pending first day of school has not arrived yet. I am considering home schooling again. Then I remember "Wacky Wednesdays" with my Lynard. Or my lunch dates with Nicki!!! And then I remember how school isn't as bad as I thought. So, I am gonna be okay. I still hate school. Homework is like a freaking wart on the genitals. I feel bad for my poor child when she looks like a ant carrying her food on her back. Except it is her backpack full of text books and homework. Grr. My sweet friend Stacy (Tattooed Mama) knows the pain. It sucks. Plain and simple.

Anyway, I'm staying busy and keeping my warped brain on track. I just keep on"keeping" on. I have a feeling that come Tuesday, the pending first day, I will cry and cry but ya know what??? I will get over it. And this year I stepped down from the hell I call PTO as Vice President so I might have some room for breathing this year. I gotta say it.....that was a poisonous thorn in my hind end. It was a nightmare and I am so elated to say "Eff" off PTO! Sorry Nicki..:)

Again....I loved the emails. I laughed and cried. I am relieved to know that I may be nuts...but I am not the only nut in the peanut shell. As always, you are all just terrific.

I must get some sleep now. I have to go sweat my ass off tomorrow at work. It's hotter then the devil's sauna in there and I look like a wet dog when I am there so I have to sleep so I'm not any crabbier. I look like a freak. I won't be surprised when the town folks chase me with torches. It won't surprise me at all. And can I tell you how old I feel??? Seriously, I have a vibrator older then my bosses. The difference is? My vibrator works! Ha! Get it???? Ha! I made myself piss my pants.

God I am funny sometimes. Just go with that okay? Do you really want to piss off a menopausal bitch??? I thought not!

Give me sometime to respond to emails and get back to visiting blogs. I love you all!!!!

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Hello! Remember me?

I am so sorry that I have been away from your sites. I am sorry for neglecting you. I am a sucky person. I know this.

Remember the me that was always stopping by and saying "hi" to you? Remember always being witty and clever and having something fun to say? Remember me for those times. Remember me for being a blogging psycho.

I am not that person right now. Why? Because the new meds are pathetic and my body is going in withdrawal from the past meds and my body is rejecting the new meds and it hurts. I throw up all the time and it sucks the big dildo. That was nicely said, I think!

I am also applying for some grants and I am vigilant about this right now. I am passionate about starting a photography business. I know that I am not the best and that I am not even close to professional right now but I have classes that I can take that will help with lighting, shadows, sun. The things that I hate most in photography. Among other things that I need coaching on. Of course.

And my daughter is starting back to school and of course, I am in a state of denial. This is her last year in elementary school. I cannot handle this. I am crying A LOT! Blame it on the meds. Blame it on the fact that I cry EVERY...SINGLE...YEAR my daughter goes to school. She can irritate me very much during the summer and I have days where I want to send her back to school yesterday but when push comes to shove and she really is going to school......I have a melt down. I'm crying right now. I cannot stop the tears. I am completely pathetic.

I am pathetic and sucky. That's nice to know.

Yet, I am happy that I have a goal in life. Whoop-Whoop for me having a goal. Never thought this day would come! Give it up to me!

So this blog is officially on lock down until I can pull it together enough. I am sorry. I hope you don't forget me. Please don't forget me!!!!

I will be back soon. It won't be long. I promise. Let me get through the fact that my 10yr old will be 11 in a few short, short months.

And if anyone can tell me where the hell summer went, please, explain to me where the hell my summer WENT!. Now if only the school months will go this fast and the nasty ass cold weather that is soon to come.......OMG.....SNOW......I didn't even think about SNOW until now......ugg. I'm gonna go throw up again.
I miss you! I will see you soon!


Sunday, August 17, 2008

Ya know what I hate???

Oh alright. Hate is a distasteful word. It goes without saying that I try to educate my daughter and redirect her when she uses the "hate" word. So, I usually say: "Sheylee, God does not like the word "hate" because God loves everybody, even the devil!" And she usually says: "Fine!!!! I really, really, reeeaaaalllllyyyyy don't like so and so!" And I go:

"Yeah, I don't like him much either!"

That's just an example. But I have been noticing that other people's children are as irritating as flies at your picnik. I just don't understand how some people allow their children to be so effing irritating. Oh fine, my child is irritating too but I grew her from my womb so I only have to love her. And my niece and nephews. But that's it!

I have been trying to practice what I preach! If I don't want her using the word "hate" then I shouldn't say it either. This is simple parenting. A no-brainer. Common sense.
Sooo. Back to the point.

You know what I hate??? Is when I take really good pictures of my kid or dogs or husband or other people's kids that irritate me at times or even a piece of poop and I think I am the freaking mother bomb of all bombs and can take the best pictures in the world. Ha! to all those photographers out there! Sears???? They eat my dust for breakfast because I am sooo better then them. Especially when I take pictures with my effing cell phone and they turn out superb thanks to my upgrade at Piknic from OhMommy! So I run around after printing them, waving them in peoples faces, yelling:
"Ha! Told you I can take good freaking pictures! Armatures!"
and I gloat and float my boat all damn day yet nobody seems as enthused as I am!!!

I HATE that! Why can't they just pretend to be gleefully happy and joyous for a few bleeping minutes? Is that too hard?? Crimeny out loud......would it be too much to ask for these butts to take a few sexonds (that was totally by mistake but I laughed out loud so I'm leaving it! It was supposed to be seconds!) and rub my ego? Do.You.See.What.I.Deal.With??? I'm all:
"Oh my Golly! Look at this freaking picture! I am the VanGough of digital cameras! My God! I am of a higher power! I always new I was "special" but now I know how dawg-gone "special" I am! You should all freaking carry me around on your shoulders. I am the Michael Phelps of Photography!"

It's not like I was bragging about it! Gawd! Bunch of wieners!

So, I come to you my blog friends! I come to you because I know that you will all be like:

"OOOOOOhhhhhhhh!" and "Awwwwww!"
And you will all consider me the Digital VanGough! I just know it! You guys get me! You know I would never brag about my talents. You know that I won't grow a enormous head over it. My guess is that you will all just do what you do best! Support! And rub my ego!
A-hem! Pay attention now! All eyes on me! Action!

Oh yeah baby! That was taking by my camera phone! Kicks ass huh????

Camera Phone again! But can you say "Wass up! Girl you tilt my axis!"

Daaaammmmnnnn! There's even bird poop in this picture but yet; I make it look good!!!

*wiping the tears from cheeks because I'm so damn good*
Once again ladies and Gents! My camera phone! Boo-Rah!
Envy2...I love you! (my Gawd...I'm a poet and didn't know it!)
Now, go! Go knowing that I am the master! And speak of me in the highest regard! I am the Guru!
(maybe I have a slight ego problem!)

Thursday, August 14, 2008

To the Man in the Speedo at the pools!

Dude, why??? Why do you always seek me out? You are unquestionably the most bizarre fella' I have ever laid my blue eyes on.

I've seen you at two different swimming areas. You are always alone. Your old pruned ass scares me. Do you hang out by yourself? You are at the pools....but I have never seen your disgusting speedo's that ride high in the crack area get wet. You are at a pool, yet you are not wet. This baffles me.

And you always find me. To give me the quick chin in the air as a hello, like you are so freaking cool. I always stare at you with my gut wanting my lunch to launch out of my mouth and land on you. You give me the willies. You always stride in front of me like you are Michael Phelps. Like your speedo is appropriate. Like I am interested in what lies underneath those tiny speedos. I am pretty damn sure they are stuffed with something. Why do I think this? Because it moves. The bulge moves. And it is ugly....I have considered popping my eyeballs out of my head. I'm troubled with you. Put your sock away and consider a different bathing suit. You are not in the Olympics and you are not a trained athlete and you are not allowed to wear speedos. It is a unwritten rule. Especially when it is a man that can get the Senior Citizen rate at your local IHop.

Now listen...I have to say that I am not the only person that shields her daughters eyes when you walk by. Others look at you like I do. I am not alone on this. You are scary to small children and I am pretty sure some of the poor people tried to drown themselves when you strutted past the pool. I was one of them. My sister saved my life and told me to "hold on!" "You have a daughter to think about! Don't kill yourself over speedos!" I was ashamed at first until you walked by again and the speedo's had mysteriously vanished up your crack. This time my sister tried to die. You must have no thoughts of others well being! You are cruel.

So, summer is coming to an end. And soon you will have to put those speedo's away. I am going to suggest you bury them if not burn them. have to rid those things of the world. We are counting on you. I cannot see you one.more.time or I will slash my wrists with a plastic knife. Please, for all that is holy, get a swim suit that goes to your knees. And you may want to consider a wax job on your hairy back. You look like you are wearing a sweater in the middle of summer. Just saying.....

And here is something to think about. If you are some sort of perverted asshole looking at the young girls running around in bikini's; I will not hesitate to beat you with my sisters swim bag that weighs close to 500lbs. I will beat you like a redheaded step-child. I will take your speedos and wrap them around your neck. I will take your sock and gag you with it. Because I happened to notice all the young teens walking around with dental floss on too, and I ask myself "Where are those girls parents when they pick out their swim suits?" But if you are thinking dirty perverted thoughts I will kick your hairy ass. Might want to consider a shave there too.

So that is it. Take heed in what I am saying. You are about to get beat up by a bunch of over-protected moms. Me being the head of the mob and all.

A disgusted mom.

(I did not get pictures because I only had my camera phone and it wasn't clear or close enough to get the full effect. You should be thanking me right now. Unless you like throwing up in your mouth and swallowing it.)

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

The Grand Plan!

I should be the in the mafia. No shit. I come up with some serious shit sometimes. Most of the time I am kidding, I think. I never wish death or harm (major) upon people unless you pissed me off and it is me harming (minor) you. Okay, so I am not the Godfather but damn....I am a Stephen King sometimes.

My sis, four years younger, is a nurse. She lives in a small town and worked part time in the clinic this summer. She loved it. Unfortunately, there were not enough hours to offer her so she applied and got the job as the school nurse. The same school that her children attend and both of my parents work. Since my nephew has Spina Bifida, and needs to be cathed (tube inserted in the pee hole to remove urine) and is in 1st grade this year, she thought this was a amazing opportunity.
(You could skip the next few paragraphs to get to my point if you want because I am gonna digress a bit but I would really love for you to read how awesome my niece and nephews are and how proud I am of my sweet daughter! But if you are in a hurry and you don't have time, skip to the point.)

First of nephew is a stud. Yes, he has Spina Bifida and yes, at first his outcome was grim. My sister was in a major depression and didn't know during the pregnancy that her son would be born with obstacles. It was a shock for all. The ultrasounds never showed any sign of this. So, as he was air lifted to a major hospital in Omaha, my sister released herself from the hospital 2hrs after giving birth to drive down to her son. It was rough. She was certain that he would be in a wheelchair and suffer other problems. She was wrong. My stud nephew walks and even played soccer this last year. He wears braces on his lower legs, but he is still able to walk without them. They just help a little. My daughter was only 3yrs old when he was born. Yet she mothered him when my sister couldn't. He cried all the time as a infant. He screamed. My sister also had my niece to mother. My daughter, my very sensitive daughter, played with her screaming cousin so my sister could have a hot shower and fed her cousin that is a mere year younger lunch sometimes. Yes, my sister observed, but boy did Diva feel important. Enough to give my sis some strength back. Now my boy (he has always been a Aunt Krissy's boy) is strong, smart as hell and determined as all get out. He still looks up to his cousin Sheylee. He still holds a bond with her. And if you mess with the get the wrath of a very sensitive girl that can screech terror into your bones if you mess with him. So.Not.Kidding!

I call this picture the "Trio of Terror!" They are really more like siblings then cousins. But that means that they do fight like siblings as well. And I have buried my head in my pillow more then a dozen times and screamed at the top of my lungs out of frustration before. But I love these kids.

Since I am talking about cousins right now Sheylee also has two other boy cousins. Craig's nephews. And these boys are so special to me. The oldest boy, we will call Xman, is a teenager now. He is the nicest teenager I have ever met and both boys have the best manners ever. I love these boys. I am so blessed. And Xman is very lovely to his younger "girl" cousin. He is just sweet. And Cman, the younger boy, teaches my daughter how to toughen up and play hard. He is a rock star.
This is a older picture, but no doubt one of my favs. They are just spectacular. I love them all.
THE POINT! (in case you skipped)
So, this dream job at the school has proved to be a bit of a letdown. It is not my sisters dream job and she desperately wants to be at the clinic...her comfort job. So I asked her "Which nurse there do you dislike the most?"
She hesitated and said "none, I like them all!" I probed more and said: "Okay, so you like them all, but if you had to choose, which one would you oust first?"
She finally said "Jen" (obviously I am changing names to protect the!)
So, I came up with a plan. First, small town living will work to my advantage. Start a rumor. Say that she is the "phantom pooper" that poops in the local pool and has shut down the pool 8X's this summer alone. (there is a funny story to this that I will share in my next series!) This would be embarrassing enough. But then my evil mind went ballistic with more evilness.
I told my sis that I would call and complain "anonymously" that she gave me a prostate exam and after some extensive research, I concluded that she raped my butt. My sister spit coffee from her nose.
Then I said I would get my evil friends involved. And they would call "anonymously" and say that she grabbed their vagina's, made them turn their heads and cough. Now some snot came out of my sisters nose along with more coffee.
Then I called my evil friends and they said in a hushed tone "Yeah, I can play!" And then I realized that yes......I must have some descendants that were certainly in the mob. I once thought that I was a descendant of Billy Ray Cyrus because I did have a mullet one time and I knew how to do the line dance to "Achy Breaky Heart" better then anyone else. I swore it. If only he could snag me some tickets to his daughters freaking expensive, sold out within 3 minutes concerts. Hey, I still may be blood. You don't know!
Anyway, I have to save my strength to work harder for my sis. My younger sis that makes me laugh every time we are together. The same sis that I drug across the lawn to win a race that had her tied to my leg last year. The same sis that would pretend to be Michael Jackson's future bride with me or the same sis that line danced to "Achy Breaky Heart!" The same sis that has been there for me a lot and hugged me when I went through post-baby depression. So, blood runs thicker then water. And I have boiling blood sometimes. Don't judge, you may need me someday!
I have so much to do on this blog. I still have "Sexy Women Challenge" pics to post. I still have meme's and awards. I have too much to do! Bear with me! K? I'll get it done. I hope.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Why did I wake up this morning???

Why did I even crawl out of that bed????

Oh yeah, because of this:

This is her trying to be "hot!" Cute as a button but I'm not seeing modeling in her future because "Hot" looks more like "constipated!"
Oh of course because of these monsters too!

This is them trying to look "behaved" but the only reason they are being "behaved" is because they were getting a treat!
And of course this:

Suffice to say: there should be no more explanations for this!

And then there is this:

Or This:

My beloved Envy2. But cripes, it doesn't stop. "Must Text!" "Must Talk!"

Yep....I have a problem.

And then there is this:

And I cannot break away from this yet I have no time for this now days.
Remember this?

Yep....she is a busy bee. And this Bee thinks that she is Queen Bee and that I need to "bee" a taxi.

I think I am so clever to use the bee synonyms. Yes, NO?

And guess what this "WeeCracker" did this last weekend. She stood on "spools" from a farm, stacked up to about 11ft high, held onto a make shift rope, swung over 5ft of pure hard ground, and dropped into a lake. At first I was like "Shit, she is going to be eating dirt!" I had a few hundred heart palpatations, and then closed my eyes. My husband took a pic of her trying to grab the rope. Her stump legs were no match for this rope so a friend had to help. And when I opened my eyes she was falling into the lake. With grace, mind you. It was like she just won an Olympic event. I was sooooo proud that her chicken shit ass did this. Woo-Hoo for my "WeeCracker!"

Now if only she can enter the bathroom WITHOUT her dog. I don't know what she thinks is in there or what is going to snatch her but she is too scared to go to the bathroom without the dog. Poor dog.

I have so much to do with this blog and no time to do it. As we speak now my child is calling, the dogs are pinching their butt cheeks together because they need to shit, and my husband is, well my husband.

Before and After!

There are two sides to me. I haven't denied that I have some serious issues and that I am becoming a freaking pro at sucking down 15pills in one gulp. Really, I am proud of this new talent. I don't swallow "it" and actually, I don't even spit "it"......quite frankly..."it" (I hope you have the gist of what "it" means by now) doesn't even go near my face. And I have received a lot of slack because of this.

But I can swallow 15pills at one time. And none of them taste like a glob of salt. Okay...I know some of you just threw up a little so lets move on. Sorry for the puke in your mouth but you know how this blog always come with a puke bucket from now on....k? K!

Anyway, there are different moments in my life that change from med to med. I can laugh about them on the "good" days. So, I thought I would let you ride the roller coaster called "BitchCracker" (since everyone liked that name so well!)

First scenario:
A car on the interstate is driving in the passing zone going 5 miles under the speed limit. All three lanes are packed and you are late. But there is no way you can get around the slower cars. Why? Because someone is clearly not using their common sense and are driving slow in the passing lane. This is the unwritten rule that all drivers should know.

On a good meds day: I get a little aggravated....but I usually just crank up the tunes and sing away. I might sigh here and there but I am pretty much content with listening to Kid Rock.

On a bad meds day: "You son of a bitch....get your monkey butt out of the passing lane, you pipe smoking apes ass!" Then I ride his ass and make sure I make him very freaking nervous. Then I find my spot, tear ass over into the other lane so I can be right next to this dumb ass to give him the finger. All the while I am giving him the stink eye as well. And I will ride next to him honking my horn so the SOB will look over and actually see my road rage. It is fierce!

Scenario Two:
A car drives very fast down our street, catching air as they hit the speed bumps. Music is blaring, attitudes are flying, because they are punk ass teenagers and find that fun to jump the bumps.

On a good med day: I explain to my daughter why it is so important to always be aware of your surroundings while riding a bike and explain over and over that most people are NOT looking for you must look for them.

On a bad med day: "You rotten little ass eaters! I am going to hunt your teen butts down, give you a lip lashing and then call your mothers you irresponsible pieces of dog shit." And then I vindictively figure out how I can get my hands on some spike stripes and how I will throw rocks at their windows next time I hear them coming. Little crack ass teens!

Scenario Three:
Screaming kids at Target while I am working. Their parents continuing on like they are deaf to the howling that is coming out of their spawns mouths. Throwing fits because they can't have a barbie or because they want to walk instead of riding in the cart. The parents continue on ignoring the kid even though the howling can be heard by the dead that live in a cemetery a mile away.

On a good med day: "Oh the kid is probably tired and their parents are obviously just trying to get their errands done so they don't have to try it again tomorrow."

On a bad med day: "For the love all that is holy. Do you honestly think that everyone in this store wants to be subjected to your screaming child? Take the kid out to the car and listen to it in the privacy of your own space but either give the kid her retarded barbie or get the hell out!!! My ears are bleeding now! Thanks a lot!"

Scenario Four:
Husband is watching the dumbest movie ever. He has it blaring so the neighbors can enjoy the movie too. All I want to do is finish my book but the ADHD sets in and I cannot listen to the sound of guns blasting away and people screaming because they are going to get their brains shot out.
Good med night: Go into the bedroom and seclude myself. Propping up pillows and relaxing to a good book. Actually happy the stupid show is on so hubby cannot bother me.

Bad Med night: Husband walks funny for a few days because the remote was inserted into his poop chute.

The many faces of a "BitchCracker!" Priceless!

Saturday, August 9, 2008


Oh, I love being a firecracker. Really, I do. Sure, I've been getting beat up lately, nothing new to me. I've been beat up before by life but I never give up and always give it a helluva fight. But it usually takes awhile before I start to fight. I always have fear at first.

But there are days where empowerment overrides my urge to crawl into a hole and lick my wounds. There are days that I surprise myself and my strength. Yes, I'm a bitch. Seriously, I am. I don't get pissed on by others unless I am on fire or was stung by a jellyfish (which has never happened yet) without giving some attitude back. But man, you cross the line and my inner strength boils and it is never pretty. Ever. I wouldn't even flinch if someone called me the naughty "C" word because I would have to agree right now.

But empowerment is so ummm....empowering (?). I love when I walk away, even though there may be tears in my eyes, there's pride in my soul.

Such as when I deal with Sandford Hospital and insurance companies. For God's Sake, these people are on my shit list 4000X's. They like to use the art of confusion. Well, guess what. That's my art people. Ask my husband. I will confuse the fuck right out of him until finally he gives in just for the sake of his head not exploding. So, Sanford Health and Insurance companies have a challenge with me. And when I say "Fucking fix this problem or I will sue your ass!" I fucking mean it. I will try over and over to not go that route because who the hell wants to deal with blood sucking lawyers? Anyone? Not I! But when I threaten it, I down right mean it. And suddenly, out of no where, these geeks are catching on. I am not all bark and no bite. I bite, hard! And my husband is no different. We are not a family to be reckoned with.

Or like when you are dealing with the most annoying drunk on the planet earth. Tonight was girls night out. I hesitated going because I physically feel beat up but my terrific husband begged me to go, knowing I would settle into the comfort of friends and have a good time. He was right (shhhh...don't tell him!) I had fun. I didn't drink alcohol and sipped diet coke all night long but I still made my own dance floor, flashed a camera and sent it to my husband (he loves this and loves it even more because I am a bad influence and usually friends boobs start popping out everywhere, all of which are texted to my husband!), and threw peanuts at people just because it was funny. Always strangers and they always participate by throwing them back. So, I basically start a food fight with peanuts (I would yell " Watch OUt, there are flying nuts!). But then there is always that one freak, the one that thinks that while you are dancing with your girls he is invited to rub his crotch up against your butt. Ummm....if I don't allow my husbands tube anywhere near my butthole, I would like to know why drunk idiot feels that he can. I nicely (yeah right!) push him away and tell him to go mack on someone else. He doesn't get the clue. Of course. Drunk, stupid and probably a moron even when he is sober.

Then he proceeds to try to sit with the girls. And proceeds to tell us how big his cock is. Considering I just felt it on my backside, I would say he was sadly mistaken and had big dreams.

Finally, after trying to console a friend that is having relationship problems and "drunk moron" continues to interrupt our conversation, I say:
"If you dick is so big, why don't you put it up your ass and fuck yourself?" He stares in amusement at first, then realizes that I am going to rip his ears off if he doesn't leave, why the other girls are laughing hysterically, and he quietly walks to the other side of the bar, as far away from me as possible. See ya, dumbshit! Then all the girls stare at me with respect because they don't have the nerve to bluntly, rudely and honestly tell the scum the damn truth. We gave him nice gestures at first, but he was too whacked to figure out the clues. So, I just gave it straight. It worked. What a concept.

So, empowerment is when you have just had enough. You are sick of the bullshit and realize that a lot of the problems are present because you have not been consistent enough and now you have no other choice. So, after a moment of freaking, you buck up and take the bull by the horns. And by God, things start to happen and people start to listen and you realize that
"Hot damn, I can handle my life. I can move mountains and I can fight armies with some self confidence, educating yourself by using the Internet and heap of bitch!"

Powerful shit I tell ya.....try it. It works. I guess I am realizing for the first time that I don't have to get shit on and I can be the shitter.

On to another note....I finally have a few more pics for "Sexy Women Challenge" and I am going to work on that tomorrow night. Women feeling sexy without being on People Magazine. Love it. And thanks for the prayers for my Step FIL. He is home and happy, doing well. We are relieved. God heard the prayers and answered them. We are all thankful for your kind words and prayers. You are all wonderful. Thank you!

And I have a meme to do. I will be busy. But I wanted to document my courage and empowerment so that I can relate back to this post and say: "Oh yeah, I can control this. Because I am a bitch!"

Awwww.....I love being a bitch. Maybe I should change my name to "BitchCracker?"
Naw, I'll stick with what I know.

If you need some confidence in your life right now and need to know how to unleash the beast, talk to me. I'm new at it but I have learned quick and can consider myself a soon to be expert. Talk to me. I can help you. I can. I'm cool. I'm way cool. I'm way, way cool.

Okay, so I'm not that cool!!!

Hugs friends......remember to stay strong, stay firm and stand tall. You can always get up after a fall!

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Funny Names for a man's unit....

I have used them all. Some I have made up myself! I should have pattened them but whatever. These are my favorites. Then I want you to leave a comment if you have a good name for the wang (made that up...all by myself!) And I am not done with the "Sexy Women Challenge" yet. I am just looking for more supporters.

*Cough, Cough, Subtle Hint You know who you are, Snort, Snort*

And so here we go:

10) The Trojan Bus

9) The stick and balls

8) One Eyed Willy

7) One Eyed Snake

6) Anaconda (my husbands personal favorite and used only for him.....lucky me!)

5) The Long Dong

4) Bat and Balls

3) Rock out with your cock out! (more of a saying I suppose but it's fun anyway!)

2) Super Slippery Schlong or Slip N Slide (only if you are getting ready to slide!)

And of course, the favorite of favs

1) Stinky Twinkie (cream filled)

I will do a funny names for my boobs sometime soon. I have great names for my buddahs.

And so you know, in case you are concerned (only meant with harsh sarcasm for a certain someone and if I haven't personally told you lately that you are a selfish ass, then it isn't you!)

Today my right leg is numb in pain, lower back pain, tolerable to severe stomach issues, shoulder hell and a top notch headache.

But I will be okay...thank you very little (again, sarcasm meant for the bastard or bitch in my life that worries only about themselves. I am not giving any hints as to who it is. Believe me, they know! Oh you sooooo know!)

Husband just came up with a name for his unit: *drum roll please*

Tube steak smothered in underwear!

Ta, Da!

I suppose I could always use my daughters name for a boys thing.

"That thing that hangs in their underwear! Like that is so totally gross!"

Climbing mountains and fighting demons today. But with a smile on my face and a giggle in my throat! Because with this crazy ass family I have, how could I not???

Now give me some slang for the wang (yep, just made that up! Swear! Piss on me because I am on fire today! WOO-HOO!)

I'm also laughing because I just did spell check and it went haywire with all the slang. Funny to me, maybe not so much to you!

Serious note: Step Father-In-Law is in the hospital with internal bleeding. Blood Pressure was at a scary low once entering the hospital. After 10pints of frozen plasma he is doing much better and the bleeding has stopped. There are still some complications that could be worrisome, so if you like to talk to God would you please say a little "sumthing, sumthing" about him. He is special to Diva and she is worried. Sooooo...please say some prayers with us. His name is Ed. And even though this may offend someone, because I usually do, I really hope you all like to talk to God, because he is a great listener! And he loves you, even if you don't know him. Just spitting this out because I couldn't imagine my life without HIM!

Thank you!

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Just Saying...

This is not meant to be a downer post. This is meant to be a introductory to me. I know you all know me well. You all know I laugh a lot. You all know I cry a lot. Okay, so some of you think I fart a lot (Brittany!), and you all know that I am in pain a lot.

But here is what I want out of every single person that knows me or will know me.

I don't want to be judged because of my bank account, I want to be known as a simple girl with a love of laughter.

I don't want to be judged because I drink and get drunk sometimes, I want to be known as the girl who can't hold her liquor but is a helluva good time.

I don't want to be judged because I ground my daughter, I want to be known as the mom who wants to teach her child instead of being her best friend. To inform her the difference between right and wrong so she can teach her children the same things.

I don't want to be judged because I'm a whiner, I want to be known as the girl who laughs when her body aches.

I don't want to be judged because I am a bitch, I want to be known as the girl who will climb mountains and fight armies alone.

I don't want to be judged because I am blunt, I want to be known as the girl who will speak her mind and not afraid to show herself instead of hiding who she really is.

I don't want to be judged because I get wild and crazy, I want to be known as the girl who is just living a life that is full of warmth, laughter and fun.

I don't want to be judged because I am a SAHM, I want to be known as the mom who plans every single event in her daughters class and is continuously nudging the schools for better things.

I don't want to be judged as a party girl, I want to be known as a girl who is usually at home cleaning, blogging, mothering, nurturing, caring for and once in awhile finds time to have fun.

I don't want to be judged as a complainer, I want everyone to know that we all complain. I want to be known as the girl who listens with full attention to your complaints and usually I will try to fix you even though I can't fix myself.

I just keep rolling on. Everyday I'm one day older. Everyday is my day. Everyday is a new day. I don't know what tomorrow will bring me. Will it bring me smiles, will it bring me tears, will it bring me pain, will it bring me freedom? I don't know. So I roll with the punches. I break many times and I get sucker punched a lot. But I also choose this destination in life. I choose to be where I am. I choose to have this life. And I choose to live it. With laughter. With tears. With pain. I will roll.

I get judged a lot. Most of you don't know that about me. Because I am the outgoing one, I set myself up for judgement. It is true.....the loud one is the noticed one. I choose this too. And quite often I could give a rat's ass about others opinions. But if you are my friend.....judge all of me. With open eyes. With an open heart. And remember the times that I did something good, and not something crazy or something that you would never do.

I'm not sad right now. I'm not mad either. I'm rolling with the punches. I hurt to all get out, but I have laughed today. I painted my daughters nails orange with a blue stripe. I hugged my husband. I lied in bed with my daughter and talked. I gave the dogs kisses. I talked to many friends, some of which needed my strength to get through the day even though I feel like I have no strength to give. I spoke with my family, my parents, my sister. I talked to my in laws. It's only 1:30pm. I made someone else laugh hysterically. I did some laundry. I cried tears in my pillow when my daughter did the laundry, dishes and dusted because she knew her mom was in pain. I cried even harder when she found the "Hot Legs" and rubbed my back. Then I laughed out loud when it tickled. It's all in a half day.

Just support me. Please. I need your strength. I need your love. Just support me. Because quite frankly, this pain in my body is going no where anytime soon and it will get worse. I will still be the girl that parties with you, or listens to you, or shops with you, or cries with you, or fights with you. But when I say "Hold on, my body is convulsing" just support me. Just love me. Just try to understand. If I could wish this away, I would. I do not intentionally feel sick. I don't ask for pity. Don't pity me. I will survive. But support me without judging me.

I love you all. Truly. This blog is my sanctuary. My place to vent and not have to cry to my daughter or husband or friends. They can get sick of it. It is a place where we all blog about the same things and we support. We blog to support one another and to get supported. That is why we blog.

Thank you to all my family, friends and arched enemies. Because you have all some how helped me through the really bad days.

Something else you don't know about me? I had to take 15pills today to get out of bed and survive the pain. Yep, just to survive the day. And I still laughed my honkey tonk butt off when my dog had a hanger and couldn't poop it out. But now, I will be asleep soon. Thank God for friends of my daughter and their mom's who are my friends. Because she knew....she knew I was hurting. So she came and got my daughter to play at her house. And she will do whatever I need. Kris...if you do read my are one hell of a supporter. The best! I am honored to have you in my corner.

Nikki...if you are around. Thanks for listening and giving me your full attention. You are super!

A worn down, beat up woman with laughter guiding me through that just happens to sell sex toys!!!

P.S. Sltbee.....thank you my friend. You know what I am talking about. You are so dear to me!

Monday, August 4, 2008

The funny things in life......

Some of you would consider me weird.....

Some of you would consider me psycho....

Some of you would consider me fun....

You are all right!

But I can tell you this until I turn blue in the face.....I love to laugh.

So, to laugh like me you must be all of the above. I thought I would give you a glimpse of some of the wonderful things that make me laugh the most.

1) In the car with my niece, nephew and daughter. I was showing them my muscles (more like blob) in my arms. I was saying Ka-Pow and Ka-Blam...these are considered dangerous weapons. Of course, on cue, my daughter rolls her eyes. I told her that I am the one who kicked Super Women's ass....hence why you don't hear about her anymore. I told them that I have some kick ass weapons. My daughter responds with "Well, I have buns of steel" and my niece says "I have abs of steel" and my sweet little guy said "I eat steel for breakfast!" I thought this was hilarious.

2) After sending my daughter off to bible study (2 full hours of pure quiet!) my friend comes over to enjoy some "NO CHILDREN TIME." We are sitting at the table, eating some supper and laughing about stupid things. My hubby was there too. He farts. I fart. Lynard farts. We were playing musical chairs. Truly, I don't fart as much as you gals think, I just blog about it more. Anyway, we were laughing so hard that Lynard shot some snot out of her nose along with some diet coke. Fucking comical I tell you!

3) We were invited to some friends house last night. My husband called to verify plans. His friend must have mentioned something about putting on some clothes as he was in his boxers. This friend tends to be moody. My husband says to him "Dude, stop acting like a girl. Now put your cock down and socks on and we'll be over shortly!" His friend agreed, usually does when my husband gets on him for being moody and having an attitude. Cracked my ass up!

4) Once we got to our friends house, my husband noticed a hole in the yard the size of the Grand Canyon. He mentions how dangerous it could be. As we were leaving, my husband, who pointed this hole out specifically to me because I'm clumsy, steps in the hole and almost breaks his neck. Of course, I was in the car splitting a gut! Taught him a valuable lesson.

5) You all know that my daughter is going through a "stage" of Miss AttitudePissyPants. So, I told her that I was going to ignore her antics and no longer talk to her if she was being snotty or whiny. She starts to get tears in her eyes and says "That's great MOM....I guess you'll never talk to me again because I am always whining and snotty!" At least she knows it! Now if we can fix it!!!

6) Blasting my new favorite song "All Summer Long" by Kid Rock (love Kid Rock) and irritating the shit out of my husband and daughter. Daughter went into her room and slammed the door and hubby turned the t.v. up in an attempt to out-do my speakers and my mouth singing to it. I prevailed and hubby finally left the room! Score one for me!

7) My friend Janelle, who has always referred to me as her KrissyPoo, threatening to come up here and kick the snot out of any person that has fucked with me recently. The list is 4 people in my town, an entire hospital, the lawyer and insurance companies. I have people, PEOPLE! Don't mess with a KrissyPoo who has her gals.

8) Getting drunk text from friends that involve my boobs. It's always about my jugs. She told me that her B cups were jealous and she can't help to stare at my nice ass DD's. WTF? I laughed, asked if she was wasted, and offered to pick her drunk ass up! My friends rock though!

9) Getting a text that reads "The US Government is going to ship all retards away. I started crying when I thought of you. Be strong little buddy, wear your helmet and run fast!" Ha, Ha!

10) A very large man at Target took a dump in the restroom and it was so enormous that it wouldn't flush. Obviously, it was the men's restroom so all woman were safe from seeing it. However, we did see our men that work there come running out green and gagging. Some of them were mesmerised with it's girth and length. Women were safe until someone took a picture of it and then proceeded to text it to us. It was nothing short of the most disgusting thing I have ever seen. They swore they had to cut it up to flush it. After seeing the picture, I would imagine this as true. At least I didn't have to deal with it though because I would have puked out last weeks lunch. But these guys I work with always give me some giggles. Idiots.

So, you see.....I have a life full of fun, laughter and people who make my life intense.

Now, I have to find a helmet and run really fast before the feds catch up with me!!!!!

And another picture of me my wagon (or short bus as some are calling it) with my friend trying to get a rise out of me. I didn't budge. Plus, I got squirted in the face by the fire truck, ice down my boobs, water squirted directly in my crotch area, and in my face. And I snored on.

All because I did a beer bong! Damn me for doing stupid things!

Dear Internet.....

I have a confession. I have to say this even though it is the hardest thing I have ever had to say.

I think I love you!

You have giving me so much in my home life. No, as much as you are loved, you will never replace the love I have for my husband and child. No.....No.....don't try to convince me otherwise. I cannot love them less then you. I know that hurts.


Where else could I find such wonderful friends that live hundreds of thousands of miles away? A phone, sure. But that would be a little weird to just finger a name in the phone book and start calling people asking them to be my friend. Nope, it is you my high speed friend. It is you.

You complete me! You had me at "You've got Mail".

This world that you introduced me too. Blogworld. I love it. Sure, there are times that I get jealous and pouty because I don't have as many friends as others. Sure, I sometimes get pissed that I am not the most important blogger and that I don't get free things sent my way. But this is not your fault. You have no faults. Well, except for spam mail, but I can overlook that. Forgive and forget my faithful one.

But where else could I write about sex, my devilish/angelish daughter, my fears, sex, my dogs, sex..........I could write a book, but I don't have the patience and effort. Damn ADHD!!!!

You bestow my heart. I can check in on friends, I can send emails, I can write comments, I can win things, I can play Uno online, I can find funny pictures, I can look at mean sex toys. I can do it all. With just a few clicks here and a few clicks there. And I can find deals. Like my 5 hardback books for $14.99. Janet Evanovich's "Fearless Fourteen" has been conquered. And I didn't have to pay $20 for one shitting book. A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.
I can find great deals on ebay, I can do a anywho search and stalk people, I can write nasty letters to my lawyer and insurance companies. And you are always here for me. Never missing a beat. Always supporting my nastiness. Never doubting me. Just spell checking me so I don't look like a 3rd grader. You are always there for me....looking out for my best interest.

And I can write about sex. Oh, I love writing about sex. And I can add nasty ass pictures like this to my blog:

And I can laugh my hiney off because this is one pissed off man with a serious digestive problem.


And I can invite friends into my lives and show them what being a firecracker is all about. Explosive but mesmerizing. And I can add pictures of me looking like my mom smoked weed while pregnant with me. Like this: Me doing a beer bong! Cripes! No wonder I was passed out in a wagon. No wonder!

And I love google. My favorite place. Wanna find a picture of dogs? Then just type in "dogs" and you get this:

I think I have proclaimed my love for you. Shhhhh....don't talk. We cannot keep meeting like this. I have to vacuum my floor and I have to feed my family and I have to go to the bathroom and not consider depends as an alternative to getting up and walking to the toilet. I cannot live life like that.

Don't fret my WiFi friend. I will visit you everyday. I will secretly love you and I will dream of you. I will always be thinking of my next blog post. I will always scream and piss and moan when I get my ass ate up by playing Uno.

I am just a gal standing in front of a computer asking it to love me back. Every time I look at you, I see something new. You are unpredictable and addicting. You are so special.

I will rendezvous with you again tomorrow, and the next day and the next day. And best of will always be here for me. Granted, I should be exercising instead of sitting on my plump ass but this is much more exciting. I could always go to Youtube and find a exercise video.

See, are everything. You are genius.

Until tomorrow my love.......until tomorrow. Sweet dreams!

A once lonely boring housewife until I met you!!