Wednesday, April 30, 2008


Yes, we are the brand new owners of a Wii.

And I suck the big fat hotdog.

My Wii fitness score is equivalent to a 65yr old women. That's pretty accurate really! LOL!

I haven't been able to play too much as I get dizzy and then throw up so my hubby can play all night and that means I have full access to the Internet! Diva is trying to bribe us into letting her stay up way past her bedtime and I think in the last 30seconds we have yelled "NO GET TO BED!" 4,050 times. She is persistent.

The big news is: I actually inquired into college. I am considering Phlebotomy (stinking people with needles and sucking the blood out of you!) I always thought I was a vampire! Anyway, the pay is good. And right now I have an application in with one of the hospitals. If I get hired, they will train me for free. If that doesn't work out, then I can take a year course at the hospital. I might as well sell them my blood for the tuition, but hey, it's worth it to say I did it. I'm praying that Sanford hires me! It would be sooooo cool.

Pssst.....My hubby sucks at Wii too! I just had to add that in there.

And you wanna know what sucks the worst about the Wii? My dogs are super dooper protective over Diva and me. If Craig play fights with us, the dogs go for the juggler. They will not allow anyone to harm us. Good Dogs! Anyway, every time my hubby swings the remote, the dogs get pissed and bark and yelp at him. They are not budging either. So, they go to time out (aka....the bedroom.)

Pssst....Hubby just got a par and is raising his arms and saying "Thank you very much, I am awesome!" Loser!

Anyway, I know I am going from one thing to the next but that's what you get from a dizzy broad. If you are the praying type like myself.....I would really love a few prayers. Just kindly ask God for the position I am hoping for. If you don't feel like praying for me because you think I am the devils spawn, well, poo on you!

And since I am asking for some prayer requests, could you please say a small prayer for Kori. You see, her husband has CF (Cystic Fibrosis) plus colon cancer. Can you imagine? She is a sweetie. A true and utter sweetie. And she walks the path with God. She needs carried sometimes but we all do. And her story has spoken to my heart. I need some prayers for this little cutie and her family. I want her to have so many lovely comments that her day is filled with love. So, read about her, then make sure you give her some linky love as well. This is not hard and would be so wonderful.

And also, could you people please send some Midwesterners my way. If you know some. Like Iowa, Nebraska, South Dakota, Minnesota. I want a Bloggers Unite Convention. I need it. I need it so bad. I'm about ready to make my gal Kathrine from Wisconsin meet me somewhere so we can have a get-to-gether but wouldn't it be fun to add a few more???? A trip to Minneapolis? Come on me out!!!! BTW...if you don't know Kathrine, get to know her because she is AWESOME and I LOVE HER!

Alright, I must go take my 10pills again, curl up on the couch and stroke my hubby's ego. He's boxing now and I have a feeling that I am going to giggle and smirk at him. He's my love and thankfully he has a sense of humor when I tease him.

Don't forget to linky love a fellow blogger that needs a pick me up!!!
Hugs my dear friends, and if you read the post below this you can get some SEX talk too! Mmmmmmm.....SEX!

Dirty Sex Talk.....PG13

Back by popular demand.....

Let's talk about raunchy dirty sex! MMMMmmmmm, my kinda post, and apparently your kind a post too.

I want to discuss manhood. You know that ugly wrinkly thing that hangs in the middle of your mans legs, complete with 2 little shriveled up raisins. It's disguising. Let's face it. It's vile. Ick! They are U.G.L.Y and they don't have no alibi. Their Ugly, Ugly, yeah yeah their ugly (resorting back to elementary!)

So really, the thing that makes our men manly MEN are their jewels. I for one have been known to hurt my hub in those precious jewels. I try to take his manhood away from him when he gets ugly with me and he knows that I am quite capable of doing so.

But sometimes we need to let the men be Manly Men. We need to give them a ego booster. I know what you are all saying. "What about my ego booster?" and I will get to that in another post.

Today is man's day. You see, I am a believer that if you ego boost your man here and there and make him feel oh so important, good things will come your way too. He won't look at the credit card statement and scream. He may look at it and silently weep, but we don't care about that do we? Anyway, it's Karma. It's Respect. What comes around goes around.

So, since sex is every man's favorite pastime, let's give them a boost in the bedroom. You can compliment him on his unit, you can do things that you don't typically do, you can play Princess Warrior and he is the Prince. It doesn't matter. A simple compliment or action will make him "explode" with excitement.

I am trying to do this in a PG-13 way here people. So use your dirty minds and read between the lines. A lot of women don't play with their man and their jewels. Try it once! Surprise him! Show him who is a dirty dirty little girl.

Life is so much better when you are functioning as a cohesive team. This may sound a little immature but if you want a little "sumthing, sumthing" as well then say: "Hey, I just did bleepity, bleep, bleep for you, so now you do bleepity, bleep, bleep for me, Got it!"

Okay, a little nicer would work better but I love sounding like I am the control freak. Actually, I sorta am but moving on.............

And here's another little fun game to play. Simon Says! Ladies, get all sexed up in your dirty little lingerie. Dig it out of the drawers and dust off the spider webs. And then entice your man into this fun little game. He will be surprised and totally turned on. Keep it fun! Turn your sex life into fun, not numb!!!!

Any questions??? Email me at! I will answer them with an open mind and a lot of useful information.

Have fun!!!! Think Dirty!

This photo has nothing to do with my post.....I just thought it was funny and made me giggle!

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Oh dear friends......

Thanks for the love and well wishes for me. I am still a dizzy lady, but hell, I've always been called ditzy so I guess I am just living up to my name.

I have some awards to share. First award is from my all favorite Grandy. I loooovvvveeee my Grandy. Yep, I call her mine and I don't like to share. She is such a sweetie and I just adore her. I heart you Grandy!

I am giving this blog to some of my dear sweet friends who never fail to visit me.

Brittany, who is just cute as a button, gets this award. Why?? Because she is witty, funny and most of all the never fails to visit and support me.

Kathrine, my fellow Green Bay Packer Fan and my little sweetie. She needs a picker upper right now and is a strong, loving, adorable lady. She has a heart of gold and nothing that I throw out there on my blog makes this cute chicky blush. My kinda girl!

If mom says it's okay.....I love her blog name. She is also a support and sweetie. Love her and her writing.

A Bun's Life.....Who doesn't love this gal. She is so real and honest. She is a strong, strong women. One who hasn't let her downfalls control her life. She is also hilarious.

Lisa is a breath of fresh air. She is a great writer and a great mom. You have to love this lady!

Huckdoll, come on, who isn't addicted to this whirlwind of sass. We are so much alike in so many ways. Honest and real. She is one of my good bloogy friends.

And then there was a second award that was awarded to me from a gal that is super. She is chronicling her life after a surgery to help with weight. I am so proud of her for this. We all suffer, and she makes it known that medical intervention isn't a easy way out. In fact, it is a lot tougher then we would think. She does Put the fun in dysfunctional though.

This is going to some awesome bloggers as well.

The Queen....All hail the Queen of Mayham. She does make my day!

Retarded Rugrat always makes me giggle with glee.

Nissa is a lovely person and makes the sweetest little things.

Lasikgirl is a terrific and hilarious.

Kori is a gal that is stronger then strong. Her husband has CF and Colon Cancer right now and she keeps it sane for her children. Check her out!

As always, my April, my closest blogger friend. She is always there for me even with her wedding is coming up very soon.

Jennifer is my new cool friend. She is a cutie and I love her to death.

Noble Pig is a hoot. Plus, she gives you great advice about wine. Ummmm.....Wine!

Stacy is a new friend to me but I already think she is awesome.

Lilith is such a miracle. Seriously, she is a single mom to 6 kids and never turns down other children in need. She is more of a women then me!

Sandy at momisodes is the best gal out there. Love her, Love her!

Jamie is a funny, witty girl. I love reading her blog.

Anglophilefootball Fanatic is so funny and so great. Love her too.

Sleeping mommy is a hoot!

Ohmommy doesn't need recognition as she is ubber popular in the blog world.

Mike was the one who gave me the roaring women award.

Jess has been here for me for a long time.

Mama Zen (the zen of motherhood) has always been a good friend too.

Amy at Brat Pack is so flipping great. I always laugh at her blog and she has been a friend for awhile now.

The Bingham Diaries........who doesn't love that girl?
Lunanick is another gal whom I think rocks the blog world.

Oh my God.....that was hard. If I forgot someone....Please, Please tell me. I didn't mean too. Seriously. As I was doing this my phone ran 4X's, my dogs were fighting and my kid was busy getting ready for school. My brain is dead and my head is still spinning. So, if I forgot you, please slap me and let me know to put you down. Please!!!!! Remember, I am not myself today and need your help. Love you all!

And for a funny!

Still dizzy but gonna try to stop by your blogs. Love you guys.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

I know I was supposed to be around the hood on Friday. I had every intention to do so. Until Friday came. I have been having some health issues and honestly, some health scares. I have been dizzy a lot, throwing up all the time, no appetite, numbness in my arm and face and tongue. It was pretty spooky.

I went to visit my M.D. on Friday and he was baffled. He did some tests and I won't get these reports back until Monday. He informed me to go straight to ER if symptoms get worse.

Well....Friday night things got worse and I blacked out, hitting the floor. I was a wreck. I thought for sure I had something terribly, terribly wrong with me. I went to ER, they did a CAT scan looking for signs of stroke or aneurysm or tumor. They fear I have diabetes. Blah, Blah, Blah. While in ER me and hubby watched a movie (courtesy of the hospital, which was nice). I had the scans, the blood, the urine.

Everything came back okay. I have vertigo, a inner ear infection. The numbness was panic and stress. Old Doc gave me the lecture and increased a med. My hubby and fried were no help, as they were explaining that lately, my stress level seems to be out of control. So, ole doc was concerned. Thanks to my hubs and friend for making me sound like a psycho bitch...........

Anyway, I'm sleeping a lot, which is due to the vomiting, headache, stress. I am doing way better today and the meds already are working. Problem is that I cannot drive while on this med for my ear. So, I have to work tomorrow (this should be fun with dizziness) and my hubs has to be to work way early. This is my life!

I will get to you all.....some tonight, some tomorrow. Please understand why I've been so negligent. I miss you all! Really, I do.

So don't give up on me! I love you guys and if I didn't have this blog I would be very depressed. I need you all right now!!!

Sorry for a bummer post again. But just be assured that I am okay! It should only take a few days until I am my usually odd self.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Stashy McStash

These young fools. I know I sound like I'm an old hussie when I say that but seriously.....these young people are killing me.

You become an Executive at Target, you must first have a college degree. It doesn't freaking matter what you have a degree in, as long as you have the student loans to prove it. I mean, you can have a degree in manure, and you would rise up to Exec status at Target.

So, what happens is these young punks get out of college and become managers/exec's. So if your a styling cool middle aged Mom like myself, your bosses are usually 10+ years younger then you. It makes life interesting at Target and you feel pretty old and worthless after a few days. Then you get over it because you are so much cooler then these young titty suckers. Seriously, I bet they never took their undies off going 65 miles and hour and throwing them out the window because you soaked yourself.....Nope.....that's only me!

So, these two new Exec's are trying to grow mustaches. Their hope is to get a different young Exec to grow "handlebar's" He's sorta a "monkey see; monkey do" kinda fellow, so that is the method to their madness. If we grow one, he will too. Problem with this?

These two young en's can't grow facial hair. It is hilarious. They have been trying for weeks now and both have "peach fuzz". I swear, my nose grows hair faster then their upper lips. (I will refrain from saying that I have a bigger mustache right now as that could be embarrassing!)

So, being the "always respectful and never rude" person I am, I gave these homies some nicknames.

Fuzz and Stashy McStash! Bwahhh, ha, ha! They are so retarded!

They laugh at me! I laugh harder at them. Today I questioned if their stashes were actually getting shorter! The one dweeb believed me!

"Seriously, can that happen?"

Bwahhh, ha, ha! I clucked and chuckled at him even harder. I was rolling some tears! What a bunch of yellow backs! Geesh!

Anywho, I am wiped out today. I swear, I was working in hell today. It is freaking HOT in that store. It is above "boiling" and with hot flashes and panic makes for a very smelly, sweaty day!

Hubby had little compassion for me. He just says:

"Uh huh, Oh Yeah? Really?" when I am discussing my horrible rotten days with him. I know damn well he isn't listening. So tonight, his unsuspecting ass will be missing a few butt hairs. I will pull out a handful while he is in a blissful slumber. Cuz I don't like people ignoring me! The last person that ignored me was some hooligan named "Jimmy Hoffa" or something and they still haven't found him! Damn men!

And a big Hoo-Rah as our house hasn't flooded yet! Yet being the key word. But so far we don't have an indoor pool! It was raining something fierce today too.

No work for me tomorrow you will be seeing me around the hood!

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

So I'm reading a book....

And I'm learning to recharge myself.

I'm searching for my energy! My MoJo! My Umph!

It's been missing for about 2yrs now. It ran away to a far away land and it won't come home!

Ya see, I have a a undiagnosed form of "Fibromyalgia" What I mean is that the doc just kinda said: "Yeah, the tests are grueling and costy, and you show all signs of Fibromyalgia."

Symptoms of Fibromyalgia:

Chronic Fatigue
Deep Muscle Pain (usually in one spot but does migrate to other areas)
Panic/Anxiety Attacks
Strong "Aches" throughout the body
Energy Loss
Metabolism Issues

Usually this is caused by hormonal deficiencies (aka Hysterectomy at the ripe age of 31yrs old)

I'm not asking for sympathy here....
Okay, maybe a little sympathy cuz it would be nice once in awhile since all my family and friends are tired of me griping about this but whatever.....

Back to my point!

I need my MoJo back! So, I am reading a book! Ah-Ha! I told you I would get to this eventually.............

I'm gonna share this book with you; bits and pieces; and just the key points. So, it will be an easy read for you!

Cuz I'm nice like that! Well, when I don't have muscle pain, fatigue, constipation, depression, hot flashes, back issues, big boobs..........

Well, you get the point!

This book is called "The 10 Minute Energy Solution"

Think about this.....10 minutes a day, could energize your physical, mental and spiritual thinking. We waste 10minutes on so many things:

Standing in line.
Fighting with strangers.
Sitting at stop lights.
Whining about suppositories (or is that me only?)
Pooping out suppositories (oops, that's me again, eh?)

Anyway, so much time wasted on the non-important things in life. We get overwhelmed and stressed and often look at life as a steep pile of garbage and we will never be able to climb our ways to the top. Oh come on.....I cannot be alone again, can I?

So instead of looking at the hot steaming pile of garbage as a hill I can't climb, I take 10minutes and weed my way to the top. In no time, I will be standing tall on the top of that hill proudly displaying my white flag. Because I tackled it 10min at a time instead of standing at the bottom looking up and being scared to tackle it.

Really, who wants to tackle a mound of garbage. Especially if it is a mound of poopy diapers cuz seriously, I have felt that way before.

So, lets try something together. If you have a household chore that is overwhelming you right now, like laundry. Instead of going:
"Cripes, hubby has no clean undies, hmmmm. He might notice this!"
And then quickly pulling out a pair from the hamper and discreetly folding them and spraying them down with some air freshener and putting them in the drawer while he is in the shower (hoping hubby doesn't read this!), just do 10min of laundry (making sure that there are clean undies in the pile) and then tomorrow night do another 10 minutes of laundry and so on and so on! See where I'm going with this? I know that laundry, even one load, takes longer then 10 minutes so maybe I should just say:
"Only do one load of laundry a night!"

That makes me feel better. Do you get what I'm saying?

So, lets try it, and then comment on how it made you feel. Even if it is in a week, but all the laundry, dishes, dusting, etc. is diminishing. Tell me if you feel like you accomplished something or not. I'll let you know how I feel as well.

Now, don't worry about firecracker. Seriously, quit it! I mean it, stop worrying about me! I'm fine!

I am working hard with my doctor to get things under control! I am trying to find a happy medium. I'm gonna be okay! Promise!

Monday, April 21, 2008


So, you all know that I am the Queen to fundraising. Right? Okay, maybe you didn't but you do now!

Yesterday I was looking at myself in the mirror naked! EEEEEEEKKKKKKK! I screamed in horror at what I saw. It wasn't the mounds of fat rolling or the horrendous butt that I swear, was staring back at me. Nope, it was the toll that gravity has taken on my women hood that made me shit a brick! Since when did those suckers start to fall to their demise? Since when did my "lumps" head south? Why??? Why??? Why?????

*I'm crying in my diet coke right now!

So, then I went to the chiropractor due to my back aching when he informed me that the reason my back hurts all the freaking time is because of my gigantic mounds. Hmmmmm..........

So, my mind went numb from thinking too much and I finally made a decision. I am going to weigh these big bad trouble makers and see just how much my bra has to support each and every day!

I don't know if you ever tried to weigh your boob, but it doesn't work all that swell. I rolled over and flopped the bad ass boob on the scale. Hmmm......around 8lbs! That may not be completely accurate as it was extremely difficult but after I held one up in my hand(s) I made an educated guess. Yep, we are going with 8lbs.

I want my twins cut off! That is my conclusion! They have seen their day! Their time has come!

I brought this up to hubby, knowing that my "twins" are his favorite toy to play with. Sluggishly and as gently as I could, I said

"Honey, The boobs need to go!"

He threatened to take me off of the insurance. Okay, not really but he is very, very bummed. I am too, as another medical bill added to my pile isn't exactly my idea of "weaning stress out of my life" (per doctors order!) And like any other insurance.......I still have a huge deductible that I am responsible for! Craptacular!!!!

And then I got bummed b/c I played out my life the last few years. First a flood, spinal meningitis (medical bills are still being paid!), then a accident (all paid!), then a surgery (bills still not paid!), and then a flood, and then another surgery (bills still not paid!). Then the expense of the flood (At least $15,000!), then the medical bills put on the back burner because I don't have that much money saved for a flood, then the fence blew over ($2000 for new fence), then the wind blew shingles off of our roof (now we need a new roof and cannot claim it on insurance or we get dropped because of floods). Oh, and then payments on the medical bills equal about $400 a month. And now a new roof ($7000). Oh, and the outside of the house needs painted!

I am sobbing! I cannot afford my boobies to look "purdy" again!

I hate my house! I hate it because it is draining the life out of me! I used to love my house, but that was before it was sucking the life out of me!!!!

Then I thought...

"You know what! My life has been shit!" And then I threw a huge pity party! I even supplied the alcohol for my party. Did I mention that I am the only one at this party? Then I thought about a fundraiser for myself. You know, like a fundraiser to help the depressed? This is good thinking before I look like this:

this picture has been posted before and gave many people nightmares. So, be afraid, be very afraid!!!!

NOOOOOOO! I cannot look like that! EVER! I'm scared people!

Remember what my twins look like? They are okay when they are hoisted up by my incredibly strong bra! But you visualize them without the bra.....they look like the above picture! Not a pretty picture to paint, huh?

Then I panicked and thought about how I need a fundraiser! This is important damn it! I'm gonna end up looking like a hunchback if I don't get these rat bastards removed. Only to a C cup! That would be great. They would be perky, and purdy all over again. What did I do to deserve this???
Whine, Whine, Whine.

Then I thought about fundraising. Then I remembered why I put energy into fundraisers. Then I looked at this picture of Ayden

Then I put the wine away and stopped sulking! And I am sooooo not worthy of a fundraiser. I guess it takes the above picture to make me think rational and thank GOD for what I do have, not what I don't!
Welcome to reality! I must go get down on bended knees and say sorry to God for thinking like a selfish person!

Sunday, April 20, 2008

A ode to all the crap brained guests at Target........

Alright you freakity, freak, freaks! Here me. Hear me. I have new rules that you are to oblige to at all times! Don't mistake this as a joke or I will end up doing a high kick to your head!

1: Can you please, please not sneeze in your hand and then wipe your mucus on the same dollar bill that you are handing to me! WTF! Are you mentally challenged? Are you on some bad crack? Are you ignorant and disgusting. See my last post.....I don't need anymore "disgusting" in my life. My daughter has that covered! Thank you very much!

2: Do you really think that giving me the exact change for a $7.98 bill is that f'ing important? If I don't get your old ass out of the store in a timely manner, it is I who gets the big fat "R" for taking too long on one transaction. Is the two pennies that you get back in change from $8 really going to mess up your life? Is it going to hinder you from living? NO! Just give me the f'ing $8. Gosh damn it son of a old people ride my nerves!

3: Do you not understand what "Express, 20 items or less" meant? Can you count or read? Do you know your ABC's in Alphabetical order? Stop screwing with me people. I can count and read, and I know that when you add another 5 items to your already 40 items, that you are well above the 20 items. Shit PEOPLE! Do you understand that the people behind you giving you death stares only complain to me after your dumb ass leaves?

4: If your child just threw up licorice and I had to clean up the vile off of the floor, maybe you should leave, as your child is SICK! But if you decide not you think feeding your sick kid more candy is really the best idea you dumb ass? You need to buy a clue! Next time, why don't you clean up your child's sugar induced throw up?????

5: Please do not ask for a kleenex, wipe the mile long snot string from your toddlers face, and then hand me the kleenex to throw away. Do as all other mothers do, stick the kleenex in your pocket and throw it away later. I only touch my child's snot, and I have no freaking desire to wipe up your child's green, stringy boogers. You are so stupid!

This was my Saturday night at Target! It was a freaking mess and I cannot believe the stupidity that I am wrapped up in! OMG!

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Laughing through my tears!

So, in case you are wondering (or not) my days have not been exactly better! Worse is a good word to use today. Shit is beating me up and I don't know why, but Karma hates the hell outta me! That's a bitch.

But, I refuse to sit and cry tears in my very yummy wine! Instead, I am going to post some funny/embarrassing "mom" moments in my life.

Let me set the picture for you. My daughter is gross, disgusting and very much a tom boy. My father is a retired firefighter and after my daughter was born, become every ones kid. My fathers co-workers didn't have kids or their kids were grown, so my daughter quickly became the gross-out child she is today. They would sit around in their recliners and I would bring Diva over to chill with the guys. I know that I could have spared my embarrassment had I just not of introduced her to the "farting fireman", but loved the fact that my daughter was put on a "stinky" pedestal.

And I need to add that my daughter started forming whole sentences by 9months-10months old. I was impressed with her verbal skills and swore that she was the smartest kid on earth. Others were equally impressed. Never did I think that her intelligence would kick me in the ass and I remember many times wishing that she wasn't talking yet!

So, most of the embarrassing moments are gross stuff. If you have a weak may want to quite reading now! I am only doing a few of the funny moments for now and then next time Karma sticks me in the ass again, I will have other reasons to laugh through my tears (my luck, tomorrow!!!!)

1: Meeting very prudish/conservative people when Diva was 2yrs old. They awed and oohed over her for about 5 minutes....just enough time for Diva to get comfortable enough with them. Then she said "pull my finger" and farted before they had time to pull her finger or deny pulling her finger. Unfortunately, they couldn't deny the smell that lingered! I turned a few different shades of red!

2: Once while in Menards, my daughter who was all of 1yrs old, yelled loudly that she "crapped her drawers!"

3: My hubby is equally as gross as the daughter, and he has definitely influenced her disgusting nature. While in Shopko, my hubby tells us to be quiet, he has a secret. So, we listened. And he blew his britches out. So Diva, not to be out done, decided to try and fart as loudly. This ended with her grabbing her ass and yelling "mom, I need to go to the bathroom now!" So, we rushed to the ladies room but Diva already shit herself while trying to out-fart her father. We had to throw the undies away and buy new ones!

4: In first grade, my daughter broke her toe. We went to the general doctor to have it X-rayed. After examining the results he noted that she would have to see a specialist because it broke on the growth plate and could never heal itself. Diva, who hates the doctors and to this day freaks out whenever we need to go in for a visit, screeched at the top of her lungs "If that doctor touches my toe, I will kick him in the peter!" I crumbled to the floor in disbelief and the doctor chuckled. Damn Tae-kwon-do for teaching her to kick men in the "Peter" to make them suffer!!!

5: Nasty girl picked her nose in front of a friend and ate it! I screamed at her and friend gaged! Enough said..........

There are numerous, numerous more stories.

Til next time..............................

Monday, April 14, 2008

I'm so glad.............

I'm so glad it is Monday and Sunday is O.V.E.R.

I'm so glad that I didn't strangle any children this weekend or shove a toothpick in my hubby's pee hole.

I'm so glad that the wind is blowing so hard outside that gravel shoots out my eye whenever I venture out into the hurricane.

I'm so glad that my friends dumb ass husband is in jail for drinking and driving and domestic abuse and that for once, we ganged up on her and told her that there will be no more help if she doesn't put an end to this and protect her children.

I'm so glad that I'm constipated again and the only relief is sticking a suppository up my butt and we all know that Krissy says "Hell No To That Hole!"

I'm so glad that I'm having a craving for chocolate but my thighs are starting fires when I walk so I have to have some will power and say NO to the chocolate, before I go up in flames.

I'm so glad that my spanx have a hole in them and I think it's because they finally broke under the pressure of my blubber butt.

I'm so glad that my child's room was finally cleaned yesterday by me (yes, I gave in and couldn't handle the dump anymore) but today she is having friends over AGAIN and I'm quite certain that the little rats will mess it up.

I'm so glad for the fact that the wind might have just stripped the paint off of my house.

I'm so glad that the laundry is reproducing before my very eyes.

I'm so glad that I don't have detergent for the dishwasher so that means I either get off my fat ass and go to the store or I hand wash all dishes. Or I call the hubby and promise sexual favors just to get him to do it.

I'm so glad that I'm actually contemplating the suppositories now because my stomach is looking like a scene from "Alien!"

I'm so glad that daughter and friend just walked through the door and have already destroyed the house in 2.5 seconds.

I'm so glad that I had to threaten bodily harm to them unless they clean up their Mother f'ing mess!

I'm so glad that they look at me and giggle. Scoundrels.

I'm so glad that my friend that put her loser hubby in jail last night just called and is considering dropping all charges, even though he is an alcoholic and the state would pay for counseling.

I'm so glad that her poor daughter had to hide the beer from her dumb ass father yesterday, called the cops on him and wrote a letter to her mom that had a phone number on it for a Alcohol Rehab place she heard on the radio. She's 10yrs old.....

I'm so glad that this said girl is here with me right now and doesn't want to go home. I might not make her if her parents don't pull their heads out of their bunghole.

I'm so glad the girls are jumping on the bed even though they totally know better.

I'm so glad that I am losing my voice from yelling at the brats and yet they still giggle and roll their eyes at me.

I'm so glad that my daughter needs an ass whooping today.

I'm gonna go give those children and piece of my mind and then I'm gonna eat their chocolate donuts I bought them for a treat.

Then I'm gonna hope that my thighs start me on fire.

This is me being optimistic today. This hasn't been one of my favorite weekends. I must go now b/c apparently those rugrats needs me for something as they are screaming at the top of their lungs "MOM!" I told them to hand over the donuts but the buttmunchers already stuffed them into their face holes.........

And they are now cackling at me thinking that I am the biggest loser in the world and know that I'm a freaking pushover!

AAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhh! I love those kids! :-)

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Another random post.

Yeah, that's right, 2 posts in one day! I have a lot to say.....which should totally surprise you all because I never just ramble uncontrollably or step up on my soap box.

The mall trip was interesting enough. I got yelled at by a very crabby janitor (whom we have had run In's with before) because I was holding my soda wrong and he was overly concerned I was going to spill. I very sweetly told him "I don't think you should be telling me what the hell to do.......k?" He angrily walked away grumbling some words of disgust. The old bastard obviously had a run in with some bad crack. Ass!

Then of course the hooligans were driving me insane. "Can we have this? Can we have that?"; "Pleeeeeezzzzzeeee?" "Oh my gosh, I need to have that! I cannot live without it....we will clean your house for you!" (uh huh, I fell for that snot trap before and I'm still waiting for my house to be cleaned!)

The whole time I'm politely and patiently saying "NO! Stop asking!" or "I'm not going to tell you NO again!" and "Am I speaking in whale or something? Can you not understand my language? Do I need to slow down for you?" They think it's funny and walk away rolling their eyes at me because they KNOW I am a big ole' sucker for their puppy dog eyes but today I'm pretty sure I would have kicked a puppy in it's tail! So, it didn't work!

Take that you little life suckers!

My wonderful hubby did attend the shopping excursion. He muffled a few laughs at us! Mainly because I don't pick my fights with them and am constantly giving them the lecture.

They also called about 14 more times after my last post. Finally I answered the phone like this:

"Hello, you have reached the number of a very disgruntled mother. If you want to go to the mall today, then I suggest you hang up and unless you are bleeding from the ears, don't call back! If you don't listen to this warning, you will be hung by your toes in a dark, monster infested closet. If you want to know your rights, please hit "0" to talk to a representative from "Social Services".

I will save you some time, you have no rights! So hang up the phone and forget this number or I will slap you in the forehead!"

I heard giggling and then "mmmmmmoooooooooommmmmmmm! Are you there? Listen to me: we are booooorrrrrreeeedddd and want to go! Moooommmmm! I'm not kidding! Come now!!! I'm not bleeding from the ears though!"

The little punks won't learn their lesson will they!?

And upon picking them up, I realized that my daughter looked similar to a "walking trash can!" Seriously, can she just wear some of the cute, expensive clothes that I have bought her for once???? No, she has on Capri's (in snow) with hot pink snow boots on. Her hair is a mess, I'm sure her breath smelled of sewage, and she had a lovely stained shirt on that she dumpster dived for after I threw it out!

She was banned from ever going in public with me again! A promise I know I can hold true too!
We call Diva "Stinky" all the time. That has been her actual nickname for a very long time. We decided that her friends name is "Dookie" so we can just yell "Stinky Dookie!" I'm so creative!

And the best news is that our retarded superintendent of the schools is packing his bags and leaving. Actually, he got a job in my old stomping grounds. The place I lived for 30yrs. I am not sad to see Dr. Dumb leave. See ya later! I'll pack his damn bags for him if he wants. This is the jerk who swore water ran up hill (no we don't live in the Cosmo's)

See ya Sucker! We dislike you more then a infected zit on our asses. And may I mention that the teachers were planning a petition to get his weasel ass fired. And I also wanted to add that my hubby and myself both predicted what this snake would do! Loser!

Gotta go take a much needed nap! Have a great day!

Random "night after hanging with the girls" post.....

(this picture is hanging from our door! LOL!)

I survived the winter blast from Mother Nature and I didn't even bitch all that much.........okay....I bitched a lot and I think some people are avoiding me until I stop all the bitching! Suckers!!!

I played Bunco last night, which is always so much fun! I laughed until I peed the spanx again. Those poor spanx......seriously, they have the worst job ever. Trying like the dickin's to hold together while my blubber gets stuffed into them, then enduring all the gross bodily functions. I don't ever want to be reincarnated to spanx. That will be my punishment for being such a naughty girl. I will get Spanxed!

Anyway, had tons of fun until 7am this morning when my daughter and her friend were frantically calling me. I'm taking their sassy butts to the mall (why do I hate myself!) to buy the friend a b'day present. I can see the events unfolding before my very tired eyes. No patience, 2 overly excited hooligans who want it all, and some stupid ass strangers b/c I live around stupid ass people!

*I see stupid people* Shuddering!

Anywho, then tomorrow is another b'day party and then the regular PTO skating party at which I will not skate thanks to lack of coordination, high heels and snowy ground. I kinda slipped yesterday and yanked my hip bone out of place. I think the bone is in my knee cap somewhere. It's pretty ugly, considering I already waddle when I I look like the "Hunchback of Notre Dame!"

I didn't get home until 2am, then had to "mop" (code word for sex!) and then had nightmares that were interfering with my much needed beauty sleep. So, I'm tired, hurting and going to deal with girls that just called again for the 15th time at which their lives were threatened. It should be swell. And do you think that man of mine will go with??? Nooooooo.......I'm flying solo!!!

Actually, I am concerned about my patience a wee bit (only b/c these two girls gang up on me) but it won't be that bad. I do feel sorry for the poor sap that accidentally bumps into me or that steps on my toes because I might be nasty!!! I don't like to get nasty, but really, the bitch just spews out of my mouth without warning sometimes. It's a curse, I know. Pity me!!! Damn it....I want pity!!!

On to a brighter, less "split personality" note: Ayden's fund is rising and we are getting closer to the big reveal. I get to be there, wearing a neon green shirt, and most likely with mascara streaking down my cheeks. But it should be heartwarming! I cannot wait! Our goal was high, no doubt about that, and we are not done by far, but we are so close we can see the finish line. Yeah for Ayden!! When I have an update on his health, I will be sure to post!

Until then, say a little prayer for the two bratty girls that don't know what they are in for today!

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

The latest weather report...........


Pure, plain o' shit! April.....7-10inches..........


And what the hell was up with "Super Nanny" tonight and those parents?? Do you not know how you are destroying your children by giving into their every irritating whine??? Are there seriously parents out there that don't understand the importance of discipline?? Structure?? My daughter can be a all children can! But if your child is outsmarting you.....there's a big O' problem-o people. I'm sorry but lazy parenting equals destruction of your child.

I thought "Super Nanny" was going to bitch slap that mom! I would of!

Super Nanny has more patience with these parents then I would. I mean seriously.....

Sadly, I know parents like this. And that is why no one invites them or their children over to their house any longer. Because their kids are destructive demons and don't listen for nothing. Ummmm......duh......maybe you would be invited more places if your kids didn't suck! And why do they suck??? Because their parents are too stupid to teach and lead by example.

Am I on a soap box again??? It's the best place for me to be I guess.

I guess our sex romps will remain indoors (see this post to see what the hell I am talking about!) or I will have snow packed up my crack! (if that didn't just scare off my new friends I don't know what would! Oh wait, maybe this and this would too.......sorry new friends.....please come back to see me!)

By the way......I just love you guys. And thanks Brittany, my little sweet friend, for linking Ayden's story to your "Pay it forward" site. Your words about me made me blush and smear my mascara. I think your pretty special too! Thanks Sweetheart!!!

And all of you, that are so supportive, I appreciate it sooooo much! Thank you! And thank you too my sweet Grandy for giving me some love on her site too.......


Update...but please read about Ayden below!

Well you swell pals, I am giving you the address to Target. There is no way for you to go to a site to donate, which we all mentally slapped our foreheads after thinking about that. Duh!!!!

So the address is:

c/o Krissy Beaubien
3600 South Louise Ave.
Sioux Falls, SD

That way I don't have to post my own address. All checks can be made payable to: Ayden's Fund.

On a different note: I went out today and made some more green! Yippee-Ky-Aaaa!
There is more work to be done, lots lots more! We are about $30,000 short right now!
And......I found my new favorite wine this week at one of the fundraisers and I am sipping it right now! Mmmmm.....Mmmmmmm.....good!

That was the good news!

The bad news is that I am singing a song I made up myself called: "I never thought I would find hair there! What the Hell?"

It is an ode to menopause! I'm gonna ask Cher to sing this for me! Maybe Michael Jackson! Not sure yet, but one of the two are most likely in menopause too!

My Igia has been working overtime lately! I'm gonna have to plug it in the wall soon so I can get the power I need to cut through these twigs growing from my chin (and elsewhere!) And I have never had black please tell me how the hair growing from my chin is jet black??? You know what I am thinking it looks like, me being me and all. But I will leave it for you to insert my thoughts into your own dirty minds.

And for the other bad news? We are looking at some serious snow tomorrow and Friday. Then back to the 50's and 60's and maybe 70's by Saturday! What in the hell is going on???? Mother Nature is trying to flood us out again! I'm building a freaking boat people. Call me Noah!!!!

And then my hubby is having a "shit chunk" sorta day at work and is sick of the corporate world and threatened to quit today. Ummmm....Okay! I doubled the meds again :-( and supported my wounded hubby. He hates his job, and I hate his job and I really do want him to find a different job. And because we have been doing super dooper about paying off bills (Bye-Bye $400 car payment and I will never see you again!) but hell.......I still have medical debt up to my brows (which could use a little Igia or waxing there too!) so I am super dooper stressed. I know we will make it....we've done it before but damn! Hence, that is why I am drinking my new favorite red wine! My daughter will be home later and the buzz should wear off by then! Just kidding.....not planning on getting drunk.....just care free! Wish me luck!

What a Hell Hole day! GRRRRR! Oh, and work has been screwing with my schedule and not giving me the hours that I was supposed to get. So, I have to go "bitch" on their asses! I will release the inner "bitch" again! Piss-tacular!

Hope your day is good and if not, break out the wine! It suddenly looks better after a few big sips!! :-)
Kisses and thanks again for you wonderful, dear friends of mine. You are super!
*anyone else noticed I used the word "super" a lot? That's because this wine is "SUPER!"

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

What if..........

Meet Ayden! Ayden was not feeling well on this day and could barely hold his head up! If you want to read this post, even though it may be controversial or sad, then be my guest!

As you most know...our family is huge into volunteering our time and services. I do a ton of fundraising and help out as much as I am capable of doing. My husband is on a volunteer fire department, that he spends a huge portion of his free time doing, and spent money to become a EMT just to help out a community. He gets not one red cent for doing this!

When I first started at Target, Oprah's Big Give donated $10,000 to the Sioux Falls area. It was giving to KSFY, one of our local television services, and KSFY teamed up with Target to "Pay it forward". We got $2,500 as a seed to grow.

Target racked their brains on what to do with it. Sanford, one of our hospitals, was contacted. The Oncology nurses introduced us to Ayden. A little boy with Wilms Tumor. He had already lost a kidney, went into remission for a few short weeks, and then had 2/3 of his lung removed when they found evidence of the disease again.

Target chose Ayden and his family to help b/c they are struggling. The mom lost a corporate job mostly due to taking much needed time off to take her 2yr old son to chemo. They pay Cobra insurance now. They live in a run down rental home. They have 4 children. The youngest being 1yr old, Ayden is now 3yrs old, a teenage boy and a grown son and his wife. This family works hard to care for Ayden and the youngest sibling. They alternate times to take him to the hospital, the doctor, the chemo. They all encourage Ayden to take his shots that he gets daily, and like any other 3yr old, hates the shots. They donate 2 nights a week to Meals on Wheels even with their scrunched time schedule. The house is run down and the landlord doesn't keep up with the repairs. This house is very, very old, and not a stable place for a 3yr old with a very rare cancer.

Target, KSFY and many other businesses are building this family a brand new home. We need $110,000 to do it. We have until the 17th of this month.

We are selling "Links of Love" for $1 and of course all proceeds go to Ayden directly. We have a table right when you walk thru the door and a Target employee always manning it.

I am sad to see so many people turn their noses up to this cause. I had quite a few tell me "NO" in a very rude manner b/c they do not support promotional fundraisers. They do not like Oprah. One lady told me she was a "black pig!" I was embarrassed to even have spoken to this person. There is a huge picture of Ayden right on the table. I simply said "Does this little boy look like Oprah?" She was speechless.

Trust me, I know how many times we all get hit up for donations. It is overwhelming. I don't claim to give to every single cause. I do however, always give when it involves a child and when I know the donation is directly affecting them. I choose a cause, and stick with that cause. But if I am asked for $1......which could mean me giving my $1 to a boy with cancer or buying a soda....I make a choice. We all usually have $1 worth of change at the bottom of our purse. Is it really that much to ask????

What if............

What if it was your child who was fighting for their life. What if it was you fighting for your childs life??? What if it was you that had to wipe the tears of pain away daily. What if it was you that had to beg and plead with your kid to take their meds 3X's a day?? What if it was you that lay awake with your child who has cancer and suddenly has a temp, which is never good?? What if it was you that had a swarm of medical bills streaming in, for hundreds of thousands of dollars, all of which you couldn't pay? What if it was you that could not afford a different house, even though the current one was not good for you and your family??? What if...........

I am a huge advocate for Stem Cell Research and transplants. I know the controversy of it. I have listened to both sides and made my own educated decision. I did my research!

Fact: The embryo's that are not used for research and transplants get thrown in the trash!!!

Fact: Stem cell transplants cure cancer, metabolic disorders, paralysation, etc.

Fact: Most children with cancer who had a stem cell transplant are alive today because of it.

Fact: Cancer is ugly, aggressive and doesn't care who the victim is.

Fact: Controversy has played a part in all medical treatments at one point.....even in the immunizations that we give our children to stay healthy.

Fact: Most that disagree with Stem Cell Transplants suddenly change their mind about it when a loved one falls victim to cancer and needs the transplant to survive.

Fact: Most non-supporters have never read about stem cell transplants and made a guess off of hear/say!

Fact: Children die from cancer everyday, sometimes b/c their insurance companies deny them the medical treatment they rightfully deserved.

I know children who have been threw cancer and all it's ugliness. I know children who are alive and cancer free today because of stem cell transplants. I know what I know from research. I know what I advocate for because I choose to take time to research.

I choose what causes I will donate too. That is my right. I also get very involved in those organizations. My focus is on kids, illnesses and Stem Cell Research. I will advocate for these organizations and continue to volunteer my services. Even if they are small.

If every person donated $10 a month to their choice of donations, every single person, the outcome would be overwhelming.

I don't judge based on your choices. I do judge when others judge mine. If you don't like what causes I am advocating for, then whatever. You don't have too. Many people told me "no" to the "Links of Love" because they are involved in other fundraisers. I smile, and tell them thank you for being involved. I don't care if it is for animals, for elderly, for church for whatever. Just as long as you are involved.

My precious daughter asked me if she could give her college savings fund to Ayden because she would rather not go to college and help him live! That little stinker taught me something! What a concept. Instead, I asked her to walk the streets with me tonight, asking for $1 or more from neighbors, friends, even sworn enemies. So guess what we are doing tonight? Knocking on doors until our knuckles bleed, until our feet are swollen, or until it is bedtime to help a little boy that cannot play outside, go to school, go shopping, play at a park, fight with his siblings or even eat certain foods because a disease is taking over his body. Instead, he will lie on the couch because his white blood count is too low, endure numerous shots and surgeries, wears a mask over his face when he leaves his house, has doctors and needles and nurses and hospitals to look forward too.

This isn't about Oprah, Target, KSFY or me. This is about him! A boy who deserves the chance at life!!!!!

Ask yourself this.......

What if????

There will be no apologies for a long post. There will be no controversy over this post. There will be no regrets for my decisions in life. There will only be time, energy and love!

If you made it this far, and this post has swelled your heart or opened your eyes. Hooray! If this post means something to you because you have found your place in donations, pat yourself on the back! If this post made you mad, then move on to the next blog! I'm not asking for you to agree or disagree, I'm asking for us all to make a impact!!!!!!!!!

God Bless this Little boy and God Bless volunteers!!!!!!

Monday, April 7, 2008

The Defination of Firecracker Cool!

Some people took my advice this weekend and took their lovemaking outdoors. They even sent me pictures.

Way to go!!!! LOL! you want to be Firecracker cool like me???? Here are some do's and big fat no-no's!!!!

Well, first off don't call yourself "Krissylicious!" and for God's sake don't sing it at karaoke! For that matter, don't sing Fergie at karaoke!!!! Trust Me~ (or the PussyCat Dolls "Don't cha!")

And don't ever, ever, EVER........

walk with your skirt tucked into your spanx!!!


But here are some Krissy moments that I did this week that I find pretty dang cool!

And damn it......I am I should know!

1) I plucked that 1inch black hair that was hanging on my chinny-chin-chin!

That's cool!

At least it wasn't growing out of a mole! Or maybe it was.....or maybe it was growing out of a zit.

2) I worked my ass off, came home with feet that felt like they were ran over by a steam roller, and still managed to clean house, take care of whiney 10yr old, have a full conversation with hubby, make supper, take care of mutts, go to bed, etc.

That's cool!

I'll leave out the bitching that spewed out of my mouth.

3) Tripping and almost falling on my face and hearing a lot of this:

"Oh Lord" or "Careful now" or "It's icy there!" (we had sleet yesterday!)

That's cool.......ummmmm....wait! I don't think that is so cool!

Really, I hadn't noticed! I just like doing the "running man" and "moonwalking". What??? It didn't look like that! Awwww.....shucks! But the cool part was me laughing like a lunatic after I made up my own dance moves.

That's cool!

And my favorite moments of the week:

Getting yelled at by losers!

Selling links of love to help a 3yr old with cancer!

Watching and laughing at my daughter while she should me the dance to "Soulja Boy!"

Laughing even harder at the same daughter trying to play golf on Wii!

Getting woke up at 3:30am because our smoke detector's battery was going dead and making little beeps. But the part that woke me up was the dog jumping on the bed, shaking uncontrollably, teeth chattering because she was scared of the "Beep, Beep" noise.

Arguing with my daughter about what a "healthy" snack is and what is so not healthy. And then having to explain to my anal, compulsive, neurotic child that kids only get Alzheimer's (she read an article about children getting Alzheimer's disease) b/c they do not feed their brains the proper nutrition. And then begging her to stop being such a anal, compulsive neurotic child.

What did you do this week? I have 3 whole days off in a row so I can stalk my favorite bloggers! See you soon!

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Sex talk!

Okay, Ok, O...K....

That bummer post from yesterday....history!

I don't wanna be a bummer anymore. So, today's post is actually only gonna be about one thing, and one thing only!!!!

You know what I'm talking about........

You know.......the thing I love most.........

Keep guessing.........

Yep! Your's ICE CREAM!

Ha, Ha, Just know it's all about sex! But because I have approximately 6min before I head to the grind mill to work again I'm gonna give you one piece of advice today!!!!

I want you to try it tonight, if at all possible, and see how it works for you and your hubs.

Try taking your sex romp outdoors, after the kiddos are snoozing. Either go rock the mini-van, swing from the swing set, or just lay down a nice blanket (where noisy neighbors can't pick....unless you want them too!), drink some wine and then get your sex on.

If that doesn't work, then watch a dirty movie!!! Yep, for all you prudes out there......I said P.O.R.N.

Have fun, gotta go to work!

Friday, April 4, 2008

Another bummer if you want.....

Another long ass post......I don't expect you to read it all! Honestly!

Upon moving to Sioux Falls, Karma has kicked our ass. I hate the saying "when it rains, it pours" but I totally get that saying! We have had a black cloud hovering over our heads for quite some time now. Some days it seems that things are getting better, but then "Whamo", we get hit in the gut again.

I don't like to be the bitcher, griper, negative person however, the past 4yrs have made me very raw! I try to be positive, I really really do! I try to smile and laugh through my tears! Most days I accomplish this task, other days I don't feel like I can get out of my bed.

I'll give you the rundown of the last a minimal way! I have been writing books lately with my post but I love coming here and documenting my pathetic life.

1: The day we moved in, our house floods. This is where the mold comes into play. See this post. The words fuck, shit, son-of-a-bastard, piss, damn it were running rampant out of my mouth. I have never been so flustered in my life!!!

2: For the next months, my daughter is sick all the freaking time! The poor girl actually missed over a month of school (throughout the year!) There was nothing we could do. We didn't know what to do. I cried many of tears to the doctors, determined that she had some sort of life altering disease. I swore my daughter had CF. I was a nervous wreck all the time and had to check on my daughter nightly to make sure she was still breathing. It was a very dark period of my life.

3: Me and Diva were running errands when some stupid punk bastard hit us from behind. I knew he was going to hit us so I braced my foot on the brake pedal and just said a little prayer. Thankfully, because my car is the bomb, we suffered no injuries at the time. The car was intact and drive able. The bastard's car was destroyed. I was sure that we were not hurt, even though my lower back was spastic. Within the weeks, my back hurt so bad that I was getting maybe an hour of sleep a night, I was barely able to walk, going shopping with my friends was impossible and my mood went straight into a depression from lack of sleep and pain. I went to a Orthopedic doctor who put me in physical therapy and acupuncture. It was my S.I. bone that was rubbing up against my pelvic bone. This doctor was a God's send. The insurance company of the bastard gave me hell and I had to get a lawyer. After a years fight, I finally just said "Screw it, tell them to pay the damn doctor bills and be done with this shit!" Stupid, because now when my S.I. joint bothers me, it is my money that pays for the therapy.

4: Still fighting with my daughters issues. I get a sinus infection that kicked my fat ass all over the town. Sick all the time, tired all the time, ugh! 5 different meds, nose sprays, saline drops, etc. and I couldn't kick this sinus infections ass. Totally helpless again. Then one day, I couldn't get off my couch. My head hurt, my neck hurt, my back hurt. I couldn't move my head without excruciating pain. My hubby was at work and called the doctor. I drove to the doctor (a few blocks away) after picking up my kid. I don't remember this. I remember being at the doctor, them taking my daughter out of the room for a minute and told me that they thought I had a tumor. Go.To.The.Hospital! They wanted to send me by ambulance. I swore that I would go now. I had the work up there, spinal taps after spinal taps, CT scans, etc. I was sent home without knowing what the fuck was wrong with me. It was not a tumor though. Two agonizing days later, I spiked a temp of 105.6. Hubby was in EMT school. I called the doctor and he told me to get my ass to the hospital. Call the ambulance. I called a friend instead. Diva was screaming b/c she did not want to see me go through the hell I went through the last hospital visit. Thankfully, my neighbor grabbed Diva. I was standing outside (for reasons I don't know) when a traveling sales man stopped by. He thought I was going to die. He put his hand on my head and prayed, and prayed, and cried. He stood there with me until my friend pulled up. I puked at the hospital, cried in pain and they admitted me. A neurologist came in and told me I had spinal meningitis from the sinus infection. 3 days in the hospital with lots of pain killers until I was released to go home. It was viral, which isn't serious. But the pain could stay with me for months. Luckily, it did not. The day I got out of the hospital, our friends called and convinced us to come to their house so I could get pampered at a party. My neighbor and her son were fighting in the drive way (nothing new, he was a very hard teenager). The fight ended with him shooting his self in the head. I felt like shit b/c hubs asked if we should stop and intervene in the shouting match. I told him no, b/c she always told me to never interfere when they are fighting. I cried so much and had so much guilt riding on me plus a super sized headache, I truly thought I wanted to die. It was terrible.

5: Hubby got laid off from his job. We freaked. What the hell are we going to do??? I went to work cleaning houses and we cut back on everything. The positive thing is we made it. We still paid all our bills and we were okay. Hubs found a different, better job. Things were looking up!

6: I have a laproscopic (sp?) surgery. It is determined that I definitely need a full hysterectomy. Scheduled in 2 weeks. Got a infection in the incision sight. A bad infection. Start meds.

7: Hubs in N. Carolina, house floods with 14-18inches of water. You've already heard this story and if not go here.

8: I have a hysterectomy. Completely blindsided by the pain. I figured that b/c of all the kidney surgeries and C-section and how fast I bounced back with little to no pain, this would be okay. Hell no! The pain was so intense. I was miserable, I wanted to die. Seriously, I told my best friend that I was not going to make it through this. I couldn't handle the stress from the flood, the pain from the surgery and the emotional state of depression I was falling into. She was scared. I ended up with a infection again (allergic to the surgical equipment was the reason for the infections). Throwing up with a major incision across your stomach is so sucky. I slept outside on the deck, so when I threw up, I could just throw up and not worry about trying to make it to a bucket. I couldn't move. 3 weeks of pain......3 weeks of hell!

9: Fight, Fight, Fight with the city and school. Beg, plead, cry, yell! Nothing works. The school laughed at us......told us to get a lawyer. Even though it is clearly their fault for the floods and for the sickness. Many tears have been shed.

10: Get a shit brick lawyer that is more like a monkey playing a lawyer role. To continue the lawsuit and win, we have to come up with $5000 to do a detailed study. This is after we spent all our savings by plunking it all in the basement. Mostly so we don't get a lien on our house. Stress....stress.....stress!

11: Hormone replacement almost puts me into diabetic shock. Hormones are not working with me. I decide to go solo. No hormones. Fibromyalgia starts to bother the shit out of me. My emotional state goes south again. I cannot handle much more. I just can't handle it.

12: Medical bills coming to me everyday. Problem, all extra money is going to home. Medical bills are going to have to be put on the back burner. Of course, they go to collections, destroying our credit. Judgements, threats of garnishing wages, numerous phone calls. At this point, I am a total mess. I am crying every single day. I don't leave the house much, I don't talk to people, I just cry a lot. I am so stressed that anxiety and panic attacks are taking over my body. Heart palpitations, blood pressure rising sky high, hair falling out, throwing up blood, blood coming from the other end too. Again, the thoughts that would run through my mind were scary. I am a damn good actress though, and too this day a lot of people don't know how bad it was. I wanted to die! I prayed to God, please let me die. My hubby and friends know something is wrong, but they don't know as much as they probably needed to know.

13: Finally cry my eyes out to the doctor, who knows everything about my life. He tears up as well. He feels so sorry for me. He recognizes the signs, and prescribes some very aggressive pills. He is determined to help. I have a panic attack while with him. He quickly checks my blood pressure. Normally, I am 115/65.....panic attack blood pressure 155/120. He Wigged out!

14: Still fighting with medical bills, still having huge repercussions of the floods. Still have mold but cannot leave house as we will still owe money on it because of loss of value. We are stuck. Mold not an issue to anyone else (insurance company, lawyer, schools, city!) Who's not them. Stress is very, very overwhelming in my life. The meds helped.....but I still have panic attacks and I still cry a lot. Just never around anyone. I've cried today, after getting a letter from a bill collector who doesn't care about my situation. No one cares. No.One.To.Help!!!

I had to vent today. I have to cry or I cannot function. We make a good living. My hubby makes great money. I have started working part-time not only for my sanity, but for money to pay off bills. Fight with insurance company b/c I am positive I got screwed. For my one surgery, they paid over $20,000 and yet the hospital isn't satisfied with that. Thanks for the pain meds that didn't work and cost me $500. I hate the fucking hospital. I hate them. My friend, who doesn't have health insurance and goes to have surgeries and e.r. runs all the time (because she is a hypochondriac) and she gets all her bills wrote off. Over $75,000 wrote off, because they don't have the determination to get health insurance and better their family. She has had over 10 jobs in the last 6months and her husband is on job 6. No determination. But they reap the benefits, and I reap the shit!

I'm tired people.....I am soooooo tired of karma hating me! I'm so worried about mold, sickness, and all the other worries. I don't know what to do! I could take it to the media, but my lawyer doesn't advise it. We have exhausted all measures.

Life kinda sucks my friends!!!!
Can you tell this has been a bad day???

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

The time has come!

I remember the days where I could do a "fake out" on my child and pretend to be smart. She would gaze at me with her baby blues and be in complete awe. For a long period of time she thought I was the smartest person ever!!!!

I can no longer fool my child. Hell, I can't even hand her the "little white lies" to get out of answering the numerous questions she asks.

I admit, I have been the mom who has lied to her child before. I'm sure the hate mail will be coming on strong after that admission however, I don't care!

For instance, I had a fat lip one time. I got stung by a bee that was on my pop can. My lip swelled to "Angelina Jolie" status. My daughter, who was probably about 3 and was into asking every single question known to humans. She was inquisitive about my fat lip. This was after answering questions like "Why is the sky blue" or "Where does poop come from?" I was tired and sick of answering the questions. Hubby was equally tired and offered no help. So, she asked me "Momma, why is your lip puffy?" First of all, the child feared bees already and would run for the hills if a bee was within 20feet of her, so I didn't want to freak her out from bees anymore then she already was. So, being the genius that I am, I answered "Because mommy is talking to much and I need to stop talking now. So, you can't ask any more questions for the day!" I'll be damned, but it worked and she colored instead! I was impressed with my award winning "mom" skills!

One time she was being a total brat! She was about 4yrs old. When I say brat, I mean selling her on the black market kinda brat! I was losing my patience. She wouldn't go to bed, she was flipping out and I was about ready to slice my own neck! Finally, after fighting with her for an hour, even resorting to calling "Papa" and having him give her the smack down, I told her I was going to buy an alligator and keep it as a pet so that way when she wouldn't go to sleep like a good girl I would have the alligator sleep with her. She jumped into bed and didn't make a peep! It worked for about a month! I know, I should get the "Mother of the Year" award!!!!

I'm sure that just resulted in even more hate mail! Bring it on bastards!

But now, the kid is on to me! She handed me her math homework to check. Shit....good night for the math genius hubs to be gone. Uhhhhh......sure hon, it looks good! It was fractions, and I don't know fractions. I'm a complete stupid idiot when it comes to math. Then I realized that there were 4 questions that she needed help with! Oh craptacular! I mumbled a few words, praying to the Gods that she would just figure it out! Nope....the little snot nose looked at me and said "Seriously mom, you should have went to college!"

As much as she is a brat, she was completely right! Damn me for being a stupid teenager! Damn, Damn, Damn! The math sits incomplete, until tomorrow morning when the "almighty" dad can help her with it. You know he's smarter then me, because he went to college.

I want to go back to school. I really, really do. But if I can't get through 4th grade math, how in the hell can I go to college. I'm scared people. My daughter is starting to see my stupidness. I'm gonna have to seriously go out and by that alligator now just to have some leverage on the little shit!!!!

Does anyone know where to buy an alligator?????

This weekend will be a weekend from hell again. I have to work and she is having friends over. I'm quite positive that after working 9hours on my feet I will return to a messy home. I love my daughters friends and I am so considered the "cool" mom. I act like a mom to these rotten children. I have permission from each parent to discipline their children like they were my own!

~insert witch cackle~

As much as I love these rugrats, I could possibly freak out on them if my house is destroyed. I fear for their lives!!! ;-)

Here's a sample of the hell rats!!!!! This was a few weekends ago! The boy in the back is a neighborhood kid who feels pretty damn hot being the token boy!!!!

They are silly, they are odd, they are sweet (at times) and they are spawns of the devil too! Of course, they are "catty" little girls and sometimes I want to pull their hair out but once again, I will double the dosage to make it through the weekend.

God, if you can hear me; would you please throw some patience my way or better yet, make these children mind their manners and having them clean the house would be a bonus too. I think I deserve it! Well, maybe I don't deserve that much but since you love me anyway, could you spoil me for the day???? Oh, and can you make my back stop hurting so much? And maybe let me win the lottery! Okay, now I know I'm asking for too much but remember, this is why you love me! After all, you made me!!!!

I'm sorry for breaking some of the commandments and I know I use your name in vain more then I should. I also know that I am a sinner at times and you probably do mental forehead smacks to yourself after I make mistakes. I'm sorry that I am a slow learner, and you are probably frustrated with that but I don't think you gave my brain enough storage. It seems to go on the blitz once in a while too! Is my brain under any sort of warranty??? Just asking!

Thanks so much! I love you and thank you for the blessings, even though they make me whacko at times!!!! But I wouldn't trade my blessings for the world.......and I have you to thank for all the love I have in my heart!!! :-)

Tell my Grandma and Papa "hi" and I miss them. Tell my other grandparents the same. Tell little Cheyenne that I hope she is having fun playing with all the other angels and I love her still every single day and I miss her more then she'll ever know. Tell my dog Bambi that I think of her! Tell my Aunt Bessie that I wish she was still hear to talk too! Tell my friends that entered into eternity to give me a hug once in awhile. And tell Jesus thanks for forgiving all my sins (all 4000 of them a day!)


Krissy, the one with the big mouth and big attitude. Just in case you forgot which Krissy it was!!!!

The Chronicles!

There comes a time in my life where everyone just irritates me. Obviously, some more then others! There are days where I feel like telling people to "shove it up their ass!" I cannot blame it on that time of the month, my girly parts are rotten in the garbage somewhere. I can blame it on my family, they seemingly piss me off daily, but that's not the reason today.

Today is because of the "Chronicles of Tar-Jay!"

I was in customer service today. I know it sounds odd, but I do like a good challenge. I like it when people argue with me, whining that they can't have cash back and can only have a gift card. Blah, Blah, Blah! I usually plaster a sadistic smile on my face and say "I'm sorry for your inconvenience, but those are our rules for returns!", usually through gritted teeth. I really want to laugh out loud at the bone heads that rant and rave and throw adult temper tantrums. I used to laugh at Diva when she would have a temper tantrum, to show her that she looked ridiculous and her cries wouldn't get her what she wanted.

Today, I got the fat, saggy ole' bat that insisted she should be able to return a phone that was over 1yr old and not to mention, it was her 9th return in the last 3 days. me Sherlock but I'm betting something is up here. I kindly tell her that she is going to have to live with the phone or purchase a new one but there will be no returns for this phone. This is where it gets funny!!!!

Turkey Neck shit a brick! She called me names, I think anyway, as her chins (plural) muffles her voice some! She pretended to cry, giving me the sob story of her welfare life and how she is on a fixed income! Whah, whah, whah! Her moo-moo was so tight that you could see the jiggling of her fat rolls! She pounded her meaty fist onto the counter demanding to see "THE manager" that very second. I kindly (again, holding back the giggles) called for the manager.

He came up from behind her and you could see that he was considering running and making one of the other managers take the fall. I held back the giggle again!

Once he got to the counter, he asked what the problem was and listened to her piss and moan some more. She did the whole routine over again, barely taking in a breath as she yelled about her problems. After some Lamaze breathing on her part, she shut up for a few moments. The manager took a few steps back and said "I'm sorry, but we cannot help you!" Then the show began.

Her arms were flapping away, revealing the revolting smell that seeped out from her pits, her eyes rolled into the back of her head, resembling a scene from "The Exorcist" and she kicked the cart. Both the manager and myself let a giggle escape. It was freaking hilarious. Then pork butt yelled some more obscene words towards us and waddled her way out the door.

The only thing that irritated me was she ran into a cart with a infant in it, nearly knocking the baby out of the cart, and of course, making no apologies. I wanted to go after her and smack her around some but thought better of it after I realized her one thigh could crush me.

Then I pulled out the Fabreeze and sprayed the air to cover her raunchy stench. I also disinfected the counter as she did an awful lot of spitting. All the cashiers were watching when they could and were laughing their asses off at me! I'm a bit of a germaphobe though!

My days have been filled with fundraisers lately and I apologize for not making my rounds. I will sit down tonight and steal the computer and my favorite blanky from my hubs and say hey!