Monday, April 21, 2008

Fundraising.....

So, you all know that I am the Queen to fundraising. Right? Okay, maybe you didn't but you do now!

Yesterday I was looking at myself in the mirror naked! EEEEEEEKKKKKKK! I screamed in horror at what I saw. It wasn't the mounds of fat rolling or the horrendous butt that I swear, was staring back at me. Nope, it was the toll that gravity has taken on my women hood that made me shit a brick! Since when did those suckers start to fall to their demise? Since when did my "lumps" head south? Why??? Why??? Why?????

*I'm crying in my diet coke right now!

So, then I went to the chiropractor due to my back aching when he informed me that the reason my back hurts all the freaking time is because of my gigantic mounds. Hmmmmm..........

So, my mind went numb from thinking too much and I finally made a decision. I am going to weigh these big bad trouble makers and see just how much my bra has to support each and every day!

I don't know if you ever tried to weigh your boob, but it doesn't work all that swell. I rolled over and flopped the bad ass boob on the scale. Hmmm......around 8lbs! That may not be completely accurate as it was extremely difficult but after I held one up in my hand(s) I made an educated guess. Yep, we are going with 8lbs.

I want my twins cut off! That is my conclusion! They have seen their day! Their time has come!

I brought this up to hubby, knowing that my "twins" are his favorite toy to play with. Sluggishly and as gently as I could, I said

"Honey, The boobs need to go!"

He threatened to take me off of the insurance. Okay, not really but he is very, very bummed. I am too, as another medical bill added to my pile isn't exactly my idea of "weaning stress out of my life" (per doctors order!) And like any other insurance.......I still have a huge deductible that I am responsible for! Craptacular!!!!

And then I got bummed b/c I played out my life the last few years. First a flood, spinal meningitis (medical bills are still being paid!), then a accident (all paid!), then a surgery (bills still not paid!), and then a flood, and then another surgery (bills still not paid!). Then the expense of the flood (At least $15,000!), then the medical bills put on the back burner because I don't have that much money saved for a flood, then the fence blew over ($2000 for new fence), then the wind blew shingles off of our roof (now we need a new roof and cannot claim it on insurance or we get dropped because of floods). Oh, and then payments on the medical bills equal about $400 a month. And now a new roof ($7000). Oh, and the outside of the house needs painted!

I am sobbing! I cannot afford my boobies to look "purdy" again!

I hate my house! I hate it because it is draining the life out of me! I used to love my house, but that was before it was sucking the life out of me!!!!

Then I thought...

"You know what! My life has been shit!" And then I threw a huge pity party! I even supplied the alcohol for my party. Did I mention that I am the only one at this party? Then I thought about a fundraiser for myself. You know, like a fundraiser to help the depressed? This is good thinking before I look like this:

this picture has been posted before and gave many people nightmares. So, be afraid, be very afraid!!!!



NOOOOOOO! I cannot look like that! EVER! I'm scared people!

Remember what my twins look like? They are okay when they are hoisted up by my incredibly strong bra! But you visualize them without the bra.....they look like the above picture! Not a pretty picture to paint, huh?




Then I panicked and thought about how I need a fundraiser! This is important damn it! I'm gonna end up looking like a hunchback if I don't get these rat bastards removed. Only to a C cup! That would be great. They would be perky, and purdy all over again. What did I do to deserve this???
Whine, Whine, Whine.

Then I thought about fundraising. Then I remembered why I put energy into fundraisers. Then I looked at this picture of Ayden

Then I put the wine away and stopped sulking! And I am sooooo not worthy of a fundraiser. I guess it takes the above picture to make me think rational and thank GOD for what I do have, not what I don't!
Welcome to reality! I must go get down on bended knees and say sorry to God for thinking like a selfish person!

14 comments:

Mike Golch said...

you are getting wierd,my kind of person.

Brittany said...

Try having small knockers...that sag. :( Mine look like tiny little whoopee cushions.

Blessings From Above said...

You are so funny!!!

My husband would be LOVIN it if I had eight pound knockers. Instead, after nursing two kids, I have one pound boobies that still somehow manage to hit my belly button.

Lisa said...

You are too funny! I can just see you trying to weigh "the twins".....

Sandy C. said...

I have 2 tiny deflated balloons. Clearly not a valid reason for my back pain. But I can relate to wanting pretty boobies. You're certainly not alone there!

April said...

You are so right! And good for you for taking your emotions full circle like that to appreciate what you got. You go, girl!

Tara R. said...

I can't even imagine 8lb tatas... I have however taken on the role of poster child for National Geographic. The sisters are definitely not as perky as they once were.

Kathryn said...

I'm with Brittany on this one. Mine look like sad little half-deflated balloons. :( Poor boobies.

retardedrugrat said...

Okay, so the image of you trying to weigh your boobs had me in fits of laughter. I've never tried but with the image fresh in my mind, I'm actually contemplating it! That's NOT good! LOL!

Taking your emotions in a full circle and reminding yourself of whats really important shows me the strength of character you have. Kudos to you for that!

Stacy said...

That first picture is SCARY...the last one is heartbreaking. I hope Ayden's fund is getting some good moola.

8lbs each?? No wonder you have back pain!

N said...

Ha, ha--boobs on a scale! I hope you thought to sanatize the scale first so that your yucky foot thoughts/germs didn't get on your boobs!

Nissa said...

Yeah, I have the small deflated balloons.. *sigh* I'd totally get them done if I could..

A Buns Life said...

Speaking of us being so much alike....did you know that I DID have a reduction? 6 lbs sucked out of my girls....and now they are sad little sacks since I have had two children. I guess that is better than sad big sacks that you have to roll up into your bra. :) recovery is pretty intense, but it was the best thing I could have done. I was an DD/E and went down to a C. all on my 5'1 frame.....My insurance covered it, since my Dr. said it was medically necessary. Hugs to you!! We will meet and get together some time.....

Grandy said...

Hey...at least you're not singing my song! Sing with me cracka mama, "Do your boobs hang low, do they wobble too and fro?..." I think you know the words. ;)