Monday, April 14, 2008

I'm so glad.............

I'm so glad it is Monday and Sunday is O.V.E.R.

I'm so glad that I didn't strangle any children this weekend or shove a toothpick in my hubby's pee hole.

I'm so glad that the wind is blowing so hard outside that gravel shoots out my eye whenever I venture out into the hurricane.

I'm so glad that my friends dumb ass husband is in jail for drinking and driving and domestic abuse and that for once, we ganged up on her and told her that there will be no more help if she doesn't put an end to this and protect her children.

I'm so glad that I'm constipated again and the only relief is sticking a suppository up my butt and we all know that Krissy says "Hell No To That Hole!"

I'm so glad that I'm having a craving for chocolate but my thighs are starting fires when I walk so I have to have some will power and say NO to the chocolate, before I go up in flames.

I'm so glad that my spanx have a hole in them and I think it's because they finally broke under the pressure of my blubber butt.

I'm so glad that my child's room was finally cleaned yesterday by me (yes, I gave in and couldn't handle the dump anymore) but today she is having friends over AGAIN and I'm quite certain that the little rats will mess it up.

I'm so glad for the fact that the wind might have just stripped the paint off of my house.

I'm so glad that the laundry is reproducing before my very eyes.

I'm so glad that I don't have detergent for the dishwasher so that means I either get off my fat ass and go to the store or I hand wash all dishes. Or I call the hubby and promise sexual favors just to get him to do it.

I'm so glad that I'm actually contemplating the suppositories now because my stomach is looking like a scene from "Alien!"

I'm so glad that daughter and friend just walked through the door and have already destroyed the house in 2.5 seconds.

I'm so glad that I had to threaten bodily harm to them unless they clean up their Mother f'ing mess!

I'm so glad that they look at me and giggle. Scoundrels.

I'm so glad that my friend that put her loser hubby in jail last night just called and is considering dropping all charges, even though he is an alcoholic and the state would pay for counseling.

I'm so glad that her poor daughter had to hide the beer from her dumb ass father yesterday, called the cops on him and wrote a letter to her mom that had a phone number on it for a Alcohol Rehab place she heard on the radio. She's 10yrs old.....

I'm so glad that this said girl is here with me right now and doesn't want to go home. I might not make her if her parents don't pull their heads out of their bunghole.

I'm so glad the girls are jumping on the bed even though they totally know better.

I'm so glad that I am losing my voice from yelling at the brats and yet they still giggle and roll their eyes at me.

I'm so glad that my daughter needs an ass whooping today.

I'm gonna go give those children and piece of my mind and then I'm gonna eat their chocolate donuts I bought them for a treat.

Then I'm gonna hope that my thighs start me on fire.

This is me being optimistic today. This hasn't been one of my favorite weekends. I must go now b/c apparently those rugrats needs me for something as they are screaming at the top of their lungs "MOM!" I told them to hand over the donuts but the buttmunchers already stuffed them into their face holes.........

And they are now cackling at me thinking that I am the biggest loser in the world and know that I'm a freaking pushover!

AAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhh! I love those kids! :-)

16 comments:

April said...

You are a good girl. :-) And a good friend. And a great mom for helping your friend's daughter out. Right on!!
And I'M SORRY YOUR SUNDAY BLEW! I hope Monday was better. :-)

April said...

holy crizap! I was first! LOL

anglophilefootballfanatic said...

I'm with you on the Spanx front. I need a shoehorn just to squelch into mine.

Sleeping Mommy said...

Dude--you have a lot going on at your house. You have my sympathies. Now go buy you a new box of donuts and a new pair of spanx in a size bigger. ;)

A Buns Life said...

You know what's funny? You want to come down to STL, while my in-laws are hiking it up to S.Dakota for the regional gymnastics meet to watch my niece since she got 1st in our state for her age group in level 10! I told you she rocked! If we didn't have all this going on this weekend....I seriously contemplated seeing if the meet was anywhere close to you and thought of coming up with everyone. :) You would have a place to stay if you ever want to come on down.....

OHmommy said...

http://shop.crocs.com/pc-33-4-prima.aspx?reqid=33&reqProdTypeId=41p&subsectionname=footwear§ion=products

The CROC flats you asked about. They are super comfy and very cute.

Kathryn said...

Now that is optimistic! Haha!
Hope tomorrow is much better for you.

Oh yeah, and I almost peed my pants with the toothpick to your hubby's pee hole. Ouch. hahahaha

N said...

Damn baby, what an f-bomb droppin' weekend and Monday. Get ready for tomorrow as the wind will provide even more sandblasting power. Yipee!

Mama Zen said...

I'm so with Sleeping Mommy - more donuts, bigger spanx!

Kupiec Baby Blog said...

Wow...tough weekend. I hope tomorrow gets better for you.

Sandy C. said...

*wiping away tears* You friggin crack me up!!! ROFL at "shove a toothpick in my hubby's pee hole." I MUST save that threat for later use ;)

Your poor friend's little girl. I hope this week gets better...for everyone.

cyndy said...

I am so glad that the job I used to LOVE has now become the job that I HATE and I'm putting in apps to transfer to a different department. FABULOUS!
I hope your friend gets her crap together, that's no way to live.

BlondeMomBlog (Jamie) said...

Oh my GOD at your friend's situation.

You are a great friend for helping out and for watching after her poor daughter. Gah...no kid should have to go through something like that. Hopefully her parents (especially the dad) will take this as a major wake up call!

OK...you still manage to stay hilarious despite the bad weekend!

noble pig said...

I am laughing so hard. This was brilliant writing and hilarity at it's finest!

Mike Golch said...

I'm reading about the toothpick going where it don't belong and man did wice at just the thought of that.(it's a male thing)
I down with getting a box of daonuts,but spandex.not my style.i wear my x-tra pounds with pirde.I earned every single one of them.

Tara R. said...

It's good that you still have such a positive outlook on life and can be glad in the simple things. I find a ball-peen hammer to the head is good in these incidences...you decide whose forehead to peen.