Friday, February 29, 2008


This is how a night goes with my hubby!

Picture it! Me: Tired as hell from not getting much sleep since I have a snot party going on in my nose! I'm doozing off to sleep when my hubby says:

Hubby: "Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah" (speaking about work or the fire department...I'm too tired to care!)

Me: "I'm don't know Honey, Good Night!"

Hubby: "Yada, Yada, Yada, Ya" (still speaking about work or the fire department...I'm still to freaking tired to give a crud!)

Me: "huh, okay! Good Night Honey!" (When I say good night I'm praying that he gets the clue)

Hubby: "Whine, Whine, Whine!) (Just not getting the clue yet!)

Me: "Honey, I am really tired and I'm drifting in and out of sleep! Whatever your talking about I'm not listening to you and your annoying me!"

Quiet! Finally......Peace and Quiet! I come!

Hubby: "My butt itches!"

*I screamed at him at this point, told him to put some lotion on his ass and go sleep on the fricking couch!!!!

He L.O.V.E.S. to annoy the shit out of me! I'm going to rip out his pancreas and bitch slap him with it somday!

There are some great questions that you asked! I'm going to have to put a block on this web page stating that there is adult content on my blog! Plus, it will keep the prudy, better then sex people out! Babies!

I'll keep it real though....oh yeah! You ask, you shall receive! Kathryn's question about my most embarrassing sex moment is going to make you all pee your pants! I'm worried....but I'll still give it straight! That's me!

Did I ever tell you that my nick name in school was "Pissy Krissy?" Obviously, peeing my pants has been a problem with me for years! I have kidney problems people!!!! :-)

Anywho....this was just a big mumble of shit! I didn't have anything to speak of unless you want to hear about me chasing my Diva around the room for 15min b/c she has a tooth that's just hanging there and won't pull it out! She slipped and fell and I thought maybe she knocked it out but nope....I think she just loosened another one! Or if you want to hear how I have been searching endlessly for a shirt for Saturday night (Big Fireman's Dance) and cannot find one b/c they don't make cute shirts for big boobed ladies! Asses! Or how I saw a man that had the worse case of "Mullet Madness" that I've ever seen! He's channelling Billy Ray back in his mullet days! Or how my Diva kicked ass in dance class yesterday and looks hot! She rocks!

Nah...I don't think you want to hear any of that! So, come back tomorrow (or the next day) and we will get those questions answered. And if you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, read the earlier entry! And put your head in the gutter, YEAH BABY! I'll give those naysayers something to talk about! Because I'm a shit like that!

Tell me...Are you dirty or not????

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Jumping on the bandwagon!

Well, I'm usually not one who copies people and I'm definately not the most popular blogger out there however, I really want you to ask me questions! I don't care if it's "How do you sell Sex Toys?" or "what is my embarrassing moment?", etc.......

I think it's fun to get to know eachother! And obviously, I sell sex toys so if you do have any personall questions, just go annoymous! You see this will help me out in future parties. So, no hold bars here people! I don't care if it is classy, odd, dirty, nice, funny, whatever!

Ask away my love friends! And you could send others my way too! This is for research so help a sista out! I need all the research I could get! Help me pleeeeezzzzeee!

Me and hubs talked today! I have been bored as hell at staying home. Eventually, Diva will not be such a chicken shit and could fend for herself a few hours a day! Granted this will be a few years down the road but nonetheless.....she will be able to stay by herself. So, I'm going back to school. I'm considering becoming a sex therapist! Sounds crazy, I know! But it is what I am good at! GRRRRRR!

And because I have the greatest bloggy friends and greatest "personal" friends (ones that hang with me on a daily basis!) I figure I could do some serious research and get a head start!

If sex scares you, well then whatever! But you can ask me any stupid or fun question you have!

Be inventive....because if it has happened to has been firecracker who has been there, done that! Truly!

I once jumped a moving train while in heals and a rose in my mouth. A planter made of wood stopped me from rolling and my dress was up and over my head and I broke a nail! Damn it! It was invigorating though! I am adverterous you see! So, your questions couldn't be too far fetched!!! Remember, I am really wild! That's why you love me, right Amy?

Get those brains working today friends! I'm really excited!

And now for a funny!
Obviously this virgin needs help to get some action! Poor Poor virgin!

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Me, Me, Me's

I've been tagged! My little Smitty tagged and it seems pretty easy for a women with snot crusted into her nose and ears seeping puss (that's what you get when I'm sick!) Details ladies and gent...details!!!

Ready?? Okay! (channelling my old cheerleading days!)

You must post the rules before you give your answers. You must list one fact about yourself for each letter of your middle name. Each fact must begin with that letter. If you don't have a middle name, just use your maiden name. After you've been tagged, you need to up-date your blog with your middle name and answers. At the end of your post, you need to tag one person for each letter of your middle name. (Be sure to leave them a comment telling them they've been tagged and need to read your blog for details).

My middle name is Beth! It's not my favorite name but it was better then the alternative (Yolanda Betty!!! Ack!)

Being silly and acting like a dweeb is my fortay!

Eating junk food is my downfall!

Thankful for my friends whom allow me to stay silly!

Holly is my sister's name!

So, that was simple enough! I'm tagging my fellow Packer fan Kathryn at Seeking Sanity! Good luck Kathryn!!!!

And then just when you thought it couldn't be any better (yeah right! Stop shaking your head at me people!) I was emailed a meme! Because blogging is more important then emailing...I give to you my Top 10 Things!!!

1) My favortie movies are "Benchwarmers", "Duece Bigalow", and "Wild Hogs" and "Goonies"....can't forget the goonies...I love Chunk!!!!

2) My favorite color is baby blue! Well more like the slate blue! Especially when I put it with brown! Purdy!!!

3) I was going to name Diva Kadence or Brylee but chose a name that was different and beautiful! I get a lot of complaiments off of her name! I'm a Cool Chick!

4) My favorite thing to do is going to the movies. It relaxes this stressed out freaky girl! Well, the movie and the oversized tub of popcorn and fountain diet coke! *mouth watering*

5) I once peed my pants while driving down the interstate (prego with kidney problems...okay!). I had a shower to attend at a bar and because I was in a dress (that was hiked up to my thighs b/c it was not a maternity dress and I was in denial but couldn't sit in my car without it being hiked up! So, the dress was in the safe zone!) so I just peeled off the wet panties (prego panties!) and threw them out the window while doing 70mph. I pity the fool behind me! Anyway, at the party, my good friend but very evil friend thought it to be a good idea to lift up my dress and show off my expanding belly! Not good when you are not wearing your panties!

6) A week after that incident I was at work and had to go pee. I only had a minute before a meeting so I ran in at mock speed, did my thing and instead of wasting time washing my hands I just grabbed my nifty purell. I didn't check the mirror. I walked all the way back to through a bunch of people until an older lady whispered "Honey, your dress is tucked into your undies and you have a wedgie!" I screamed obsentities and pulled the dress out of my under-roo's and then picked out the huge wedgie. Everyone was in tears laughing at me! Suckers!

7) After I woke up from my last surgery (hysterectomy) I swore to God I had to poop! I was crying because of the extreme pain but was yelling very, very loudly that "I have to POOP!". I hadn't opened my eyes yet. The nurses were explaining to me that it sometimes feels like you have to poop but you really don't. And the cathater could be adding pressure to my bowels. I insisted I was going to poop the bed. Finally, I woke up enough to realize that the nurses voice was a male. I opened my eyes in time to see that he was very, very cute, laughing (at me no doubt) and placing a bed pan under my ass! I quickly told him I was fine and I didn't need that. Then he took the oxygen off of my nose b/c I was having an allergic reaction to it that made my nose itch. As he was taking it off I sneezed and blew snot all over his hand. Then I just covered my head under the blankets and cried!

8) I walked in on a robbery one time. I was tired from working 15hrs and just wanted a Mountain Dew to wake me up as I was on my way to another job! It was cold and the parking lot was deserted except for a lone man putting on a ski mask (to go into the store.....this should have been a clue). I proceeded to walk in and there he stood with a gun! He put the gun to my temple and told me to lay down. I told him "NO"! He screamed at me and I layed down. As he was running out the door he turned around to stare at me and gave me kissy lips. I stood up and ran as fast as my stubby little legs could!

9) I lost the top to my bathing suit so many times it's hard to remember them all! Or...if the bikini top didn't come off my big ole milk jug would just pop out! Kids are usually scared shitless when this happens and adults usually snicker at me!

10) My mom was stalked when I was younger. My dad was a firefighter and worked 24hrs/off 48hrs. It only happened when he worked. When he was gone, my mom would make us sleep with her and we slept next to a shot gun. When he would break mom would lock us in the closet and then go searching for him. She shot the gun numerous times but never shot him. We even had alarms on our house and the bastard still got in! His intentions were to rape and kill all of us.....courtesy of a letter he wrote to us! He was a ghost and never got caught! Neighbors would stay up all night with a gun waiting for him and somehow that jerk still managed to make it in! He finally stopped stalking after our gay neighbor ladies chased his ass up a hill with a pistol. He never returned! This is primarily why I have guns in my house and large dogs that wouldn't think twice about killing someone that hurt me or Diva. Don't worry though, Diva is very, very educated on guns and the guns are safely stored and hidden. But I could get to in in a second if need be!!!

There you go! A little more about Firecracker!

Monday, February 25, 2008

Please don't give me a ticket mean I mean mam!

I'm going to just assume that when you call the female local cop a "sir" because....well to put it nicely....she's a she-man! I'm pretty sure she has my license plate stored in her memory and has my mug shot hanging at the local donut shop! In my defense, had she have been in uniform when I called her "sir" I would of recognized her and called her by her name!! Instead she was decked out in a plaid shirt, oversized carpenter pants and had on the nice boots with the flannel flap on the top! Totally "man" out! So, if you don't want to be called "Sir" at least wear some hooker boots so I could put two & two together. I always look at shoes first! Always! I am a shoe whore!!! A shoe enthusiast! I am "Shoe"per Women!

And to make matters worse, I had to use the bathroom while in our po-dunk gas station. So, I hold myself so I don't pee my pants and scooted/hopped/drug my pee-pee filled bladder to the nearest (and only) bathroom! I was jumping up and down trying to unzip my pants when I glanced down and saw it! The nastiest toliet that I have ever laid my seeping eyes on! Holy Mother of Jesus! What did this person eat??????

"It" (it meaning Shit!) was incrusted on the seat itself and covered in turd! I cannot explain the grossness I witnessed! I wanted to scratch out my eyeballs and light my nose on fire! I quickly pulled up the spanx (which spanx does not easily pull up) grabbed the jeans and zipped while on the "fly" and I also puked in my mouth a little. Oh.My.God! I don't know who's asshole exploded in there but they need to seek medical attention.....I know a good Proctologists! I barely made it home in time to pee!

If I would have known the hooigan who destroyed that bathroom I would have ripped out their pancrease and bitch slapped them with it! If they were the "Poop Fairy" though they could make some serious green!

Then I get home and realized that my body is aches are turning into misery and we have a "recorder" concert tonight to sit through! Yep..our school decided that instead of our 4th graders doing a Xmas program (which is so much better!) that they would be excluded from that but instead they will whistle the tunes of "Mary Had a Little Lamb" or "When the Saints come marching in" and my personal favorite: "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star"

A person could never hear enough of that song! It's a folk song in some eyes!!

Do you see a pattern here though? When Cracker get's sick she gets cranky! I am all cranked out with no one's throat to wrap my plump little digits around! Damn!

I need to go on the "South Bitch Diet".

Looky at this....3 posts in 24hrs! Your special friends.....darn special!

Here's a youtube song that I love though! I can only copy a link because now I'm confused with the video thing with youtube! But, go and listen....I wuv this song..especially on my bitch days!!!!

(This picture just fits with todays post!)

Maybe next post will be a cup of sunshine for you! You never know what personality you'll get!


I'm sick again! Sinus yucky with a fever and chills. Not good when it's snowing big white puffy snow flakes! Woe is me!

I won't be visiting many blogs today as the sinus Rx the doc gave me are making me sleepy! So, I'm gonna be drooling and snoring here real soon!

This is why I was a sap yesterday though (scroll down to read this sappy ass post!) even though I am passionate about the abused. If I could, I would adopt every kid and every animal (sans snakes) and wrap a big blanket of love around them all! If only............

I'll see you tomorrow! I will miss you all though! I will not like taking a nap b/c I hate taking naps and I will gripe about this shit-hole weather but I will miss you and you and you!!!

ZZZZZZZ....that med works fast as I'm feeling a little high right now and can see pink elephants so nighty-night I go!

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Where's the Love, ya all????

Maybe I'm just a wee bit emotional today b/c I skipped my meds or maybe it's b/c I watched sappy shows! I don't know! It could be b/c I am sick to hell of winter and considering we have a 70% chance of snow tomorrow and today the weather was simply beautiful, could send me into a big blob of emotional hell! Who knows?

But this is what disturbs this cracker!

Abuse of children, abuse of animals, abuse of elders, abuse of friends, abuse of ourselves, abuse of God, abuse of spouses......and this sucky list goes on and on and on!

I'm just tired of it!!! I'm simply pissed! I look into the eyes of my loved ones, and I weep! I weep because I can't imagine hurting my child, my hubby, my parents, my sister, my in-laws, my dogs, my friends, my God or anyone else. The sweet angelic face of my beautiful daughter whom is catching a cold, my sleepy hubby, my lazy dogs, my sweet neice and nephews, my doting parents, my giving in-laws, my beautiful friends!

And then I watch the news or a Barbara Walters special and see the faces of the abused children who's parents starve them to death because their drug addiction is more important then their flesh and blood. Children who are starved for food and attention! Innocent little people who can't save themselves and unfortunately, cannot be saved by others. I look at animals who have ribs protrubing out of their skin b/c their owners have forgot to feed them for the 20th day in a row! The distressed look of elders, already withered and worn, saddened b/c their own children or care givers feel that they are to old to be worthy of love any longer. Or those whom diss on God and try to convince others to diss on him as well!

Where the hell is the love??? Where did it go wrong for this people?? What horrendous

incident(s) lead them to be hurtful and mean?? I pity those lost souls and pray for their healing! I do! But I also leave little room for excuses!

So tonight I am going to kiss my sleeping child and hubby goodnight, pat my dogs on the head or rub their fat over-fed tummies, thank my God for the blessings he has handed to me without anything in return, and lay my head on my pillow and cry! Cry tears of joy that I have not been one of those abused and that I am not the abuser! And then I might dream of happiness and hope! Because this is all I can do right now!

I'm sorry for the sad post! This is a side of me you will rarely see! I like being upbeat and positive. But sometimes I need to reflect on the blessings! And I am a spoiled, spoiled child of God!

And my heart is plentiful with love, hope, laughter and happiness!


Thank you God...for loving me and caring for me!

(just a few of my blessings)

I say it everytime I drink and I'm saying it again...


My body goes into alcohol shock or something! It's like a full blown "Battle of the Brown Bottle" going on inside of me!

Anway...I had a great girls night out last night! We danced, we laughed, we pissed ourselves, we danced with gay men, we looked hot, we drank, we smoke, we did it all! We even went to the strip club and put those strippers to shame! LOL! It was just a good ole' time and we partied better then the rockstars!

The small little po-dunk town is in pure disbelief and I'm sure I am the hot topic today (we started off here before going into the big city)! Ahhh...let em talk and say their "Hell Mary's " for me! It makes my life interesting!!!

You would not believe this but I don't have any pictures to speak of!!! *Gasp* I didn't want to drag the camera around all night and my phone was dead!

So today I am cleaning and doing loads of laundry and saying a ton of prayers! Not only do I feel like shit (and note....I didn't get drunk...I was feeling good, but not drunk!) but we decided to have a "party after the party" and eat some pizza (which was not such a good idea! Let's just say that we could have fueled a small world country with the amount of gas we released!) and didn't get to bed until 4:30am and then up by 8am! So, I am saying some serious prayers today!

"Dear Lord.....
Please help me not scream at my daugter who insists on begging for the world today"


"Dear God.....
Why does everyone in my address book insist on calling me today?"


"Dear Jesus....
I need patience because I cannot listen to another radio disney song or watch another CSI re-run today!"

This is just a few of my pleas today!! And now I am going to put my PJ's on and make some soup and do some homework and fight with the dogs and beat my hubby up over the remote and
repeat every word 4X's b/c my daughter says "HuH?" all the time and tell my hubby "no" 500X's and piss with the chores and blah, blah, blah!!! Yeah for Firecracker!!!
Love ya guys!
Hope you all had a great weekend!

Friday, February 22, 2008

Reasons to not do yoga NAKED!

1) Blubber is not pretty no matter which way you look at it!!!

2) It is never a good idea to have your nose by the "brown eye" when you are not wearing any clothing to act as a smell barrier!

3) You will end up with a black eye and a fat lip from your boobage!

4) Your children would have to seek therapy for years upon seeing you naked and in compromising positions!!
And Finally!

5) When you break your back by turning yourself into a human pretzel you will have no choice but to call 911!

"A Toy Story"

The original casting!

Have a great weekend friends.....don't forget to laugh!

Funny Story!


That hater of firecracker must have read some of the comments because he/she has not been back since! I mean you guys have my (fat) back, thank you! Either that or this bothersome idiot realized that when you lite a firecracker, they explode! (Yeah for metaphors!)

So, tomorrow is the big day! Tomorrow is the day that my crazed friend comes back from Texas and we (her and the rest of my posse) are going to tear up this dull, tiresome town! If people didn't already talk about us then they will now!!!

So, I decided that b/c my girls and I are planning on ripping up this town I would give a funny, yet sorta gross, story from the last time we hung in my neck of the woods.

It's a rather groteseque story and very embarrassing for yours truly and I don't really like to talk about me having a deadly gas seep out of my ass but, because you are my girls and you stuck up for me like a pimp defending his slut; I decided to make you all smile!!!

Picture it! Last year (or the year before, cannot remember dates!)
My girls came up for my b'day. We were hookered out and ready for a good time! We had ate earlier at a very greasy, grimy restaurant and it was...well...not sitting pretty with my gut! However, I demanded we go to a dancing club even though I was sure that there is going to be hell to pay as my stomach was retching and lurching every other minute now! But I am not a wimp and I will be fine!!!

Anyway, the place was packed! I received many elbow shots to the head (because I am so shitting short) but damn it....I was going to dance as my girls wanted to dance and I will not dissappoint them! So, we make our way to a the crowded dance floor! It sucked! My tune "Come on ride a train" (oldie but a sure ass shaker) started playing but I didn't have enough room to jiggle my ass like I normally do to that song! I was getting pissy as were my girls. And then.....

that's when my stomach started to protest. I felt grumbling and rumbling and I swear my intestines were having seizures at this time! I started to feel the gas pains play drums on my guts! And it happened.....the gas came from the bowels of hell! And I let one go! And the smell resembled hot garbage! And I think that a green gas with skeleton bones seeped out of my hole!

But then just like the Red Sea, people started to part! They were moving out of the way of the green bomb and I was able to start dancing like a stripper again! Some people may have been sick, but I still claim that was the numerous shots they did and not the smell of my intestinal track! So I danced like a rock star! I was riding that train and my hips were moving moves that would make a blind man see again! And then.....

I realized that everyone...including my friends...moved the hell away from me and I stood in the green haze all by myself, dancing like I needed a pole! And all eyes were on me and my haze! And I swear there was a spotlight on me! My friends were laughing at me and everyone else looked like an angry mob! They knew....they knew it was me who dropped the bomb!

And then I went and pouted next to my hubby while he protected me from the angry townspeople!

And I didn't dance happily ever after!

The End!

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Fat mouthed email!

Okay....well I cannot copy the email here b/c I deleted it but pretty much it said that I am a Non-Christian, a shitty mom because I subject my daughter to sex and that I promote adultry and by selling sex toys I promote diseases and infections to single women.

So, none of it bothered me until it spoke of me being a bad mom and a Non Christian! I love God with all my heart and the best day of my life was when I felt the power of God in me. I can remember the day like it was today! I was in a dark place and was loaded with worry! I begged for God to give me strength and I felt him at that very moment pull me out of the trenches and into his arms. It was a magical moment and no one can tell me that it wasn't him! From that day forward, my life was no longer full of darkness. I have also felt Satan! He has tried to enter my life and my love for God is stronger then he will ever be. I may not attend church and I may sin more then I should, but God always forgives me and I can feel it. He knows that I love him!!

And my daughter is the most loved kid on earth. I am actually very over-protective of her. It took me months to allow her to go to the park with all her friends alone. Before I go to bed I have to check on her numerous times to make sure she's still breathing or that she didn't throw up and is choking to death (This happened to a child of someone I know!). My daughter was reading before she was 4yrs old and is very smart. This is due to the fact that she has parents that work with her and teach her new things. We take her on vacations and she really doesn't hurt for much because I love spoiling her. She is a awesome little girl with great manners (to everyone but her mom!) and everyone loves her! Everyone! And yes, unfortunately my child knows about sex. She learned all about sex in 3rd grade on the playground. Luckily, we have a good relationship with our daughter and she told us she knew. After I cried in the bathroom for 15min I got the balls to talk with her about pregnancies and V.D.'s. And then my wonderful hubby came home and spent over an hour outside talking about it more and told her how proud we were of her to come to us with questions. She did not learn about sex from us, she learned it from a kid much older then her. But I really think that Diva is more educated then the young women who told her about it!

And I would never promote adultry. I am a very happy married women and I don't need another man in my life to make me complete. I do believe that affairs happen b/c needs are not being met and it is not one persons fault. So, me and hubby make sure we fulfill the most important needs of eachother. I have one sex partner, and that is my hubby. I have had one sex partner for over 10yrs now and plan on being with him forever! End of story!

And I truly believe that sex is very important to a marriage. Very, Very important! And I do believe that we have all falling victim to the routine of sex. I try to spice it up for couples and guess works! I get feedback from my customers and I have never heard anything negative. Even the most sceptical ones. So, yes.....I sell sex toys among other stuff and it is not is helpful!!!

I'm really not bothered by this person, I was more worried that others felt this way about me too. I really love my new bloggy friends and I don't want you to think that I am all of the names above. I really am a fun, adverterous girl. I am wild, I am crazy, but I am a Christian, I am married and I am a good mom and a good friend! I teach my Diva to laugh through her tears and I think this is a very important life lesson!

Thanks for being so supportive of me! I love you all!

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Read at your own discretion! I am talking sex today people! Deal with it!

Oh yeah! I'm going there! Don't read any further if you are a prude or cannot discuss sexual activity or sexual organs because I am soooo going there! Why?? Well because of the hate mail! tell me not to do something....and I do it just to be a mean, vendictive, psycho, pantie twisting B.I.T.C.H.

And if you cannot stand this......well damn it......G.O.O.D! Because you'r hubby is so not lucky to have you!

Here are some tricks to help your SEX life impove! To come out of the rut! To spice it up some! These are bonafide ways to have some serious orgasms (gasp....did I just say orgasm?? Oh my..I'm such a devil child! Shame on me! *insert the sarcasim and me sticking my tongue out going "na, na, na na boo boo...stick your head in doo-doo!*

You see friends and enemies! Being stuck in the same routine is quite simply.....boring...zzzzzzzzz! Release your inner hooker! She's been wanting to come out and play for a very long time now! She wants to put on her trashy red heels that look even better when they are wrapped around your head! OOOOppppps...I did it again!

Your hubby or S.O. (significant other) so wants the hooker to show herself! Cuz ladies and gents.....I have wisdom about the male gender....they are pervs and most of them masturbate (99%) and most of them love PORN! So you may think that your man is the 1% that isn't like this and quite frankly you are so freaking naive and stupid! You are Jessica Simpson stupid!

*Note: This is more in reference to the naysayers that continue to write me hate mail but still read my blog b/c they are stupider then a redneck in Wall Street and cannot seem to remove their bug eyes from my blog b/c deep down they want to be me!!! Take that shit-holes!

Anyway! Here are some hints for a better romp under the sheets!!!

1) Make sure you are both washing the genitial area before hopping into bed. First of all, if it is a hot day out, most likely your man has swamp balls! This is when the balls get sweaty and moldy and stink like a marsh! Ick! Tell your man to wash the "stinky twinkie" if he wants to get some!!! And ladies....come on! Think about the should be freaking embarrassed if you are smelling like the Red Lobster! K??? Clean it up! Use baby wipes! They are inexpensive and they can freshen you up in a snap! Carson Daly would so totally agree with me!! I love his gay ass! Partygals can help a sista out too! And don't roll your eyes at this b/c seriously, would you walk around smelling like body ordor all day?? Hopefully you said no! So....ummmm...duh! And yes...there are truly the ignorant ones who don't find this appropriate! dumb!

2) Sleep in the nude one night! See how this makes you feel like a dirty slut all of a sudden! Okay seriously, this is a great way to get in the mood faster! Of course you are going to be more willing if you already have the clothes off! Plus, it's a time saver! And lets face's just we all could use the time savers! So sleep in the buff and surprise your lover!

3) Go commando! read right! Take off those undies and let the "Hungry Moster" breathe some! Because you may disagree but this is the truth spoken from a doc....going panyless decreases your chances of those smelly, rotten infections! And it will let you reconnect with your most important places! And I can't talk much here because spanx isn't exactly hot....but if you know that you are going to dance in the bedroom that night, wear some sexy shit! Put away the spanx, granny undies or period panties! Trust me...your man will thank you later!

4) Skip that 5th glass of wine! Why?? Because alcohol can depress your hoochie! It can get all sad and it won't want an encore of the "Big O". However, a few glasses to help unwind and to release your inner diva is great! You ever heard of "liquid courage?" You will roar like a lion in bed!! Grrrrrrr!

5) Ladies...don't fake it! This is a big orgasm no-no! Why?? Because your mate will instinctivly go to that spot over and over again thinking it made you go numb from the waist down! If it didn't work, then nicely ask him to try something else! And you know what?! Don't always use the same positions. This is crazy! Because you may be missing out on the mind blowing "O" that you desperately deserve. Don't short-change yourself! And if you are not having the mind boggling "o", then sex will be boring and so not worth the time and effort next time! This can lead to some marital stresses!

And finally, if you are having troubles with to your doctor and get a reference to a sex therapists! This will beneifit your marriage, family and happiness! And just so you therapists are all for sex toys, lotions or potions like I sell! Yes...I do my research!

So, there you have it! Now run on over to and see the wonderful things we offer!

And also, FYI....I DO sell makeup, lotions that are non-sexual and some fun things like chocolate lotions for kids! Don'! My diva thinks that I sell the wonderful bubble bath that smells like cotton candy or chocolate sundaes b/c I do. And she loves the body glitter that tastes like honey for her dance recitals. And when she gets growing hot legs that I buy in the cases helps her rest easier. Especially on nights that her R.L.S. (Restless Leg Syndrome) bothers her! I would never in a million years tell my 10yr old that I sell Sex toys! She thinks I sell Girly Gals and Girly Kids because I Do! And kid could kick your kids ass anyday! GRRRRR!

And I also have never, ever supported adultry! I don't know where you would ever come up with this! I focus on helping married couples enjoying eachother so they don't have the need to have an affair and I also support safe sex for singles! So, bite me where the sun don't shine and shove off, puke faces!!!!

I am a me ROAR!!!!!

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

I'm a weiner!!!!

Yep, you heard me right! No...Wait....I'm a winner! Yeah, that's it....winner!!!!

Do you know Nissa???? Well, get to know Nissa b/c she has the cutest, most adorable, sweetest, bestest, nicest things ever! And guess what! I won!!!! Yep, I'll even prove it!!!!! Look!

"Thanks to everyone who participated in my first giveaway!! There will be more to come, I assure you. It's addictive(and you know I have such an addictive personality!)So without further ado, our winner of the Beautiful Boutique Ballerina Barrette Hairclip holder is..
Krissy!I've emailed Krissy & she'll get to pick her choice of Ballerina, either premade or a custom design.Thanks again, everyone!*As a special Thankyou, I'd also like to offer 1/2 priced shipping on all Ballerina Holders. This offer will run till the end of March! Just use code: NNHalf when checking out & 1/2 your shipping will be refunded!"
(Per her Blog)

Yep....that's me! My real name isn't firecracker! I would have spit on my mother if she would have seriously named me firecracker! However, she did want to name me Yolanda! Do you see me as a Yolanda???? Crazy women! And my father is no better as he wanted me to name Diva Peekaboo or Skeeter! I am soooooo not kidding either! Diva actually does have an unusual name however, it is a very pretty name! My grandparents smoked hay when they were pregnant with my parents!!!!

Anyway, back to the point! I'm a winner! Here's what I have won!!! It's a hairbow holder!!! Are you freaking kidding me??? I have never seen such cutism (I'm excited and I I get to make up my own words! It's the law!) Look, I'll prove that to you too!

"It is illegal to argue the word "cutism" or any other word when Firecracker Momma has won a fantabulous prize. If you choose to argue such word, you will be punished by getting beat to death by a wet noodle!" Gov. Arnold Schwarze-cracker (No relation to Firecracker!'s NOT a Tumor!)

(you can own this too at a very inexpensive price people! Check it out here!)

You see, I have tried to win other bloggy contests! They are fixed people! No lie! If your not the most beautiful or the most popular you Will Not Win! But now.....I laugh in the faces of those other contests.......Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha! That's right....I laugh because I just won the sweetest gift ever!!!!! Muuwaaaahhhhaaaa!!!!

Oh, alright....they are not fixed! Damn it! I hate being honest! So, they are not fixed but I'm still a little sore for never winning anything! I tried playing the pity know! "Woe is me; my life is sooooooo pathetic, I have to sell dildos to have a life!" Blah, Blah, Blah! I tried playing the funny role; "look at me....look at me.....laugh darn it!" I get totally ignored! I try using blackmail; "I know what you did last night and who you did it with too!" I get laughed at! I try threatening lives; "I will kill you if you don't let me win!" I get the police called on me! Geesh!!!

My littel Packer fan Kathryn almost fell for my seductive ways! Don't lie Kathryn.......I almost had you at hello! But little Miss Kathryn just had to be smarter then that! Her mamma gave her some brains or something! Double Damn it!!!! I'm working on her though! I don't know if I will work her nerves or her mind but whatever, either way she will subcomb to my evil ways! *Insert evil witch laugh*
(check out Kathryn's site too because she is a very funny girl! Hugs Kathryn! Don't be mad at me for playing you) :0)

Thank you Nissa!!!! Can you tell that you just made my day??????

And since I talked about some laws; South Dakota actually has this law!!! So.freaking.stupid!!!

If there are more then 5 Native Americans on your property; you may shoot them! If there are more then 3 walking down the street together; they can be considered a war party and fired upon!!!!!

Ha, Ha....this is so funny!

Wait, I have Indian blood running through my veins! Oh shit! Don't shoot people....Don't shoot! I surrender!!!!

Old Bats!!!

OMG...I made it through Diva's school break! I didn't hang her by her toes, I didn't pull my hair out, I didn't sit in a corner rocking back and forth muttering unrecognizable words drooling in a cup (okay, I did drool in a cup!)! I made it!!!

And Diva is not harmed! Her friends made it home without a mark on them and my hubby is still alive! So, I survived!!!! *firecracker takes a collective sigh of relief*

I'm telling you what people......having one child is not as easy as it looks! My therory is that one lonely child is hard work! She is bossy, needy, bored, mouthy, whiny and moody! Gee....she sorta sounds like me!

I need to start watching my road rage though! Diva is picking up on it lately! Yesterday, we were in the car after going to the grocery store (and me telling her "NO" over 5000X's) when we came upon a four-way stop! There was a car coming, but was not yet at the stop sign so I proceeded to edge forward! Then I noticed that this boat of a car was not going to stop! I slammed on the breaks and utter a few choice words that would make a sailor blush! I notice that the on coming car was being manuvered by a 100yr old lady! So, being that I always have more tolerance and compassion for my elders I wave the old bat thru! What does this wrinkled raisen do......she flips me off! Yep, the old goat was pissed at me even though I was not in the wrong! Nevermind the fact that this blue hair couldn't even see over the steering wheel! I stare at her in amazement! Diva on the other hand is dumbfounded!

Diva: "Oh My Gosh.......that old lady just gave you the bad finger! She was the one who didn't stop! What is the matter with her??? What a mean old women!!! I'm NOT gonna be nice to her if I ever see her around town!!! And will not help her across the street EVER!!!"

*note: Diva has never helped an old person across the street and one time she told me that old people stink so she is not a lover of elders like her mom! And she doesn't like babies either b/c they poop their pants and stink!

*note: Diva is infaturated with farting and pooping so this makes no sense to me!!! Diva farts at least 20x's a day and is a fart sniffer! Do you see the irony here???

*note: I need a beer!!!!!!

I'm really screwing this kid up, eh???

*note: Forget the beer....I'm going straight for the taquilla with the worm!!!
This is Diva....dressed as a ghoul! I will not insert a comment here!
By the way......just a quick note! I got a few emails that were less then friendly! These so called people obviously think I am the devil for selling PartyGals. This made me laugh until I dribbled in my spanx! Honestly, if you don't like coming here.....ummmm....I don't know..maybe don't come back you idiots!!! And your emails make me giggle! They are not hurtful and they are not worth your time!! Have a great day!

Monday, February 18, 2008

Quickly! Go here!

Oh my Gawd! Please go here if you haven't already! Seriously, I laughed until my insides hurt! This has made up for the crappy day I've had (scroll down and read if you want to hear me bitching up a storm....)

Go Here!


The Diva!

Well, today I thought I would be a nice momma and take Diva and a friend to see a movie. You see, non of South Dakota has school today! This makes me want to scream the scream of a very fearful mom! Why? Well, b/c my Diva cannot entertain herself unless she is on the flipping computer all day and the t.v. is on Disney! Not a big deal however after a few hours of "Turn the computer down!" or "Turn the t.v. down" or "Diva, can I watch house hunters?" or "Diva, please, please can mom listen to something other then Webkinz or Hannah Montana?" God forbid the child play in her room by herself! If I kick her off the computer or t.v. then she insists that her friend(s) come over, eat me out of house and home, torture the dogs by dressing them in tutu's, tearing up the house, driving me crazy!!!! I threatened to put her back in my womb at one point and time!!!!!!
So, to get out of this house and so I don't mutilate my innocent (yeah right!) child and her friend, I decided a nice quiet movie! You see, I have been up since 4am!!! I don't know why, but I couldn't sleep and decided to watch some boring t.v. at 4am!!! So, I figured if the movie was boring then I could snooze some! Sweet dreaming!!!!

The movie theater was jam packed full of bitchy mothers with whiny, unruly children!!! I wanted to beat them with my crocs!!!! So, after standing in line and having these so called bitchy mothers actually budge their dumb asses in front of people, I knew that this could get ugly! I decided to show a good example and not pull these mom's hair and scratch their eyes out, I would yoga breathe!! I started to hyperventilate! I cannot stand rude, irrational, ignorant people. I can't...I can't stand them!!!! Ahhhhhhh!

So finally, we enter the theater and find sufficient seats. I snuggled in with my king popcorn and ice cold fountain pop (I have a love affair with fountain diet coke!). I'm feeling more relaxed now! Then it happens, as it always does. The tallest chick in South Dakota sits in front of me! I'm short people!!! And even with stadium seating I still cannot see over the gigantic head in front of me. As I have said, it's packed and all other seating is taken! At first, I wasn't too worried as I was still dreaming of a nap! But wouldn't you know, the movie was interesting! So, I had to sit cock-eyed in the seat just to see around the mammath head! And but of course, every time I found a somewhat decent position, the women would move again! And what could be worse?? Well, how about a snot nosed misfit sitting behind you kicking your chair and pushing as hard as those little legs could into my back! The kid was 8yrs old or about there so you would think he would know better! I doubt this brat had NEVER been to a movie before. The mom would say "Honey, stop kicking the chair, it's making too much noise!" about it's causing me "Shaken Krissy Syndrome!!!" Never mind that my still sore neck looked like a bobble head and never mind the numerous death looks I turned around and gave the shit holes!!! Finally, the mom must have felt the knives I was throwing at her cuz she finally told him to stop! Yeah, half way through the damn movie!!!!

Then in the car I had some major road rage! Rage that made my horns poke out of my head and made the girls giggle at my temper tantrum! I tell you what, I shouldn't wake before 7am. This is not the best idea if I don't want to spend my life in prision!!!!

But seriously, are parents that lazy or that stupid to allow such rude behavior from the spawns??? Idiots!!!!

Next on the agenda is taxes! Oh joy! And then the dreaded homework! Woe is me!!!! And now my seeminly child like hubby is sitting on the couch saying "Oh boy, what a day!" or "Oh shit, it has been a rough one!" and expecting his wife to pay an ounce of attention to him! Huff!!!! Doesn't he know that I have dealt with bitch moms and monster children all day?????

So, I think I will add some laughter here because I need some sort of laughter right now! Or-I'll-Beat-My-Head-Into-A-Wall!!!! These stupid people around me are slowly killing me!!! A slow, drawn out death!!! I think I'm crabby again!!!
Are you smiling????
Only if I can use this flux capacitor to go back in time and injure a certain few mothers!!!!!

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Birthdays and rollerskating and boobage....oh my!

Pictures are worth a thousand words! And sometimes they are worth some serious giggles too!

Look'll see the local PTO (Parent Teacher Organization) leaders at their finest!!!

The President and the Vice President!!!

Oh look, it's our Treasurer laying in some man's crotch!!! This is going in the freaking school newsletter!

Well hello Miss Nicki (and funny hubby)! This here is our Secretary (and therapists b/c we have all laid down our problems to Nickibaby!!!)

This here lady has been to Ozzyfest before and has also mooned her poor mother as well while driving down the interstate! Not such the lady, eh??????? And you wonder why we put her in charge of the "family fun committee"

Oh yeah, we Rock this small little town regardless of what people say or think! Everyone wants to be as cool as us I tell ya!!!!!!

Now let's look at some boobies!!

Some hemorrhoid cream stuck in some cleavage......hmmmm!

I've considered rubbing this cream on my buddahs before to reduce the size. It doesn't work!

It just makes them look like huge marshmellows....sorta like the "Stayed Puffed Marshmellow Man"

There are just no words for this picture, but it makes me chuckle every time I see it! Maybe my head is in the gutter all the time!!!

Here's my hubby and his wife! Hubby is looking a little bit drunk here!

Here's hubby and his girlfriends!!! Geesh....

Let's talk skating now!

Here's Diva trying to skate......her arms resemble a windmill while skating. This is how she keeps her balance. Guys should cover their "goods" around her unless they don't want anymore babies!!! I taught her well!

This is my mo (mother), my niece, my Diva and my old goat dad (whom skated circles around me!)

And here's Diva and mom taking a skating break!!! Whew! Diva looks a little "scared" here.....not sure why though!!! Maybe b/c her mom is on skates???

Yep, I am a PartyGal! This month is a doozy for me though! Next weekend my best buddy since 1st grade (whom lives in Texas) is coming up and we are going out and then the weekend after that is the annual Fireman's Dance at which is a great, great time! After that, I am not going anywhere for quite some time! This is too much for this old gal!!!

Tonight we are hanging out doing absolutely Nada!!! Tomorrow is supper with my parents and then my Diva has a few plans. Last I knew she was invited to a friends house for a sleep over (no school Monday) but what do I know, I'm just her personal assistant anyway. Plans could change any minute! She has a schedule and social life ya know! She also has a room to clean after having a friend spend the night here and they decided to take her old clothes and make new clothes (Britany Spears style!) but neither one of them thought about cleaning up the scraps! What brats!

Funny thing....we had conferences and her teacher told us that she is very funny and very entertaining!

The Birthday Bash!!!!!

Lynard gracefully (ummm....or not so gracefully)

eased into the 40' least we know her bones in her butt are not that brittle.....Yet!

"Hi...I'm here.....Let's start this Paaarrrrttttyyy.....Whooooo-hooo"

Oh look at that chicky behind Lynard! Who is that??? Why, that's my friend Nickie who always comments on my blog! She's my therapist too! She needs her own damn blog people!!!!!

Okay anyway, back to the Paaaaarrrrrtttttyyyy!!!!

This is my best girly from the old hood, Jen!

"Don't you wish you girlfriends were hot like me??"
"Don't cha???"
(courtesty of the Pussycat dolls!)

Oh look, there's my tattooed momma and Lynard's friend Nick! Nick is a freaking hoot people! He very openly likes men and is very happy to answer any questions you may have. Okay, well....when firecracker drinks a little too much, I tend to ask a lot of questions! I am more educated on gay men then anyone else out there! I'll spare you the details but I will say at one point I asked if he needed to buy a strap-on from me (yes...I do have them but I have never sold I know why!). He gave me a very inquisitive look that suggested I was pretty stupid! Oops! Love you NICK and tattoo girl....I love my tattoo momma! She is the sweetest thing since snickers bars! Mwah!

These are some of the Target workers (Lynard is the Target Diva). But hey, mister, do you need a kleenex???? Ack! Or was it just an itch????????

"Well hello cupcake! I'll be eating one of you pretty soon and I'll also have one shoved up my nose by my super-dooper sexy friend, Firecracker!"

Me got thristy! Got milk?????

Kyle wanted to be blog worthy! It's like being on the front page of the newspaper or something! Hi Kyle......You are so blog worthy sweety!!!!

Some karaoke please! Lynard was smoking in that shirt!

Trust me.....there are more photos to come!!!!

Friday, February 15, 2008

I'm a CRAB!

You know you crabby when:

1) You are watching a episode of "Full House" and D.J. and Kimmy totally screw up Jessies music when they go in and record over it with their version of "Locomotion" after then knew to not mess with his stuff and all you can think is "I would have grounded them for life and put them over my knee!" (note: I have never put Diva over my knee but today......I would have!)

2) The neighbors dog would not stop barking and it was causing your gigantic headache to retaliate by playing drums in your head. I went on a search for the b.b. gun!!! (note: I have never shot an animal with a b.b. gun but if I would have found it today the dog would have been shitting b.b.'s)

3) I totally go postal on a WalMart worker who had the misfortune of answering my call today b/c they just had a very irritating voice!!!! (note: I have freaked out on WalMart workers before but not because of their whiny voice!)

4) My hubby comes out of the bedroom after I have been awake since 5:30am and asks if I am still sick and I want to jump up and smack him b/c "Duh, of course I am still sick!" (note: ummmm...yeah, I've freaked out on him like this before! Sorry hun!!)

5) My cell phone has a text message and I want to throw the phone into the fireplace b/c the ring is a ridiculous, annoying ring! (note: I am very hard on cell phones! I have thrown my phone before!)

6) Urkel on "Family Matters" needs to be beat bloody!!!!! (note: I don't know any Urkels so everyone is safe.....for NOW!"

7) The home phone rings and it's my equally sick father and yet I answer the phone like this "What!!!!" and then proceed to tell him that "I am way sicker then you and my head hurts much more then yours so buck up dad!!! You'll be fine!" (note: my dad is my best friend and he told me to shut up and stop being so damn crabby today!)

8) The dog is snoring and it is causing distress to my headache again so you muscle up enough energy to stand up and kick the dog awake! (note: I don't ever kick my dogs and it was more of a "wake up" nudge but the dog was pissed anyway and grumbled at me!)

9) My hubby, whom usually calls me 10X's a day, won't call me today! (note: I don't blame him!)

10) The garbage truck outside is making too much noise and I envision myself throwing hot coffee in his face! (note: I won't do this because the garbage man is a scary man and could snap me like a twig!)

11) You want to stomp on the computer b/c spell check still doesn't work on blogspot! (note: Yeah, I would totally stomp on the computer today and I'm also considering yelling at all my elementary teachers b/c they didn't teach me to spell good enough!)

Yep, I'm having a crappy, sucky, no-good, piss on me day!!!!!!!!! Diva is going to a friends which for her sake, is a good thing! Diva is still sleeping right now, which is also a good thing!!!! I better up the dosage today! And I'm also going to down a entire bottle of Excedrin Migraine b/c Funky Mama and anglophile Football fanatic told me to try it!

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Would someone please stop rocking the house???

Oh friends......

This firecracker's fuse is out! I have a headache the size of Texas, my muscles hurt, my stomach is hair even hurts! This sucks!

And the worse news is, the big party is tomorrow. The party that I am having for my mean ole' friend Lynard is tomorrow night!!!!!!! I have big plans my friends.....all of which cannot be fulfilled with a major migrane and quezzy stomach! What is a friend to do???????
Me and the Birthday Girl!!!!

Anyway, this is Craptacular! This is a tragedy! This is pure devestation! Whaaaaaaaaa!

On a brighter side, I did have my hair colored today. I went back to my short spike look and now it is darker with carmel highlights. I'll post pictures when I don't look so green! K???? fantistic hubby has a blog! He wants to recreate our finer moments. His mission is about us remodling our bathroom in our old house! There are some comical moments...that's for sure!!! Say "Hi" at What an original name, eh????

And next weekend I get to see my soul sista whom lives in Texas! I see her 2-3X's a year...which isn't nearly enough! I'm pretty pumped! Well, as pumped as an sicko can be!!!!

ZZZZZZZZ......I better hit the pillow so I can feel better for tomorrow night. Forgive me for not saying hey today on you blogs, but I will be better soon!!!! Oh, and Happy Heart Day! I wish I could say that we were going to have a romantic night in with some wine, cheese, dessert and um......the "dessert" after the dessert (*wink...wink*) Hope you all have a wonderful, romantic, night filled with lots and lots of "desserts" (double wink, wink!)

And for your enjoyment!!! Let's part on a funny!!!!!

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

If I was the President!

If I were President of the US....this is what I would do!

1) I would take Ninja classes, be instructed by the best Ninja ever (Uma Thruman in Kill Bill) and I would take my Ninja ass over to the Middle East, hunt down that devil Osama and bring him back to the US. Then I would put his stupid ass on a platform in the middle of town square and allow friends and family of the lost souls in the 911 events seek revenge. If this is wrong in your eyes, I'm sorry! But I WILL NEVER FORGET THE TRAGEDY THAT UNFOLDED BEFORE OUR EYES ON SEPT 11TH! NEVER!!! And Osama deserves the harshest punishment!!!

2) Any freak whom ever touches or harms innocent children would be put in a tiny room, toothpicks holding their eyes open to watch Richard Simmons "Sweating to the Oldies" NAKED! If by chance that doesn't work, then I would do "Yoga Booty Ballet" NAKED! Trust me, this is far worse then frying their asses!!!! And in the case of raping a child, I would have Michael Jackson cut off their weiners and shove it down their throat! There is no tolerance for child abuse/molestation/murder!!!!!

3) I would declare 1 day a month "National Womens Day" as a holiday and all women would be forced to leave the house and hang with their friends!

4) Animal cruelty would result in me using a gun that is big enough to blow the nuts off of the Jolly Green Giant and shoot the offender in the foot!!!!

5) This would be considered a food group!!!!!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

My quirky quirknesses!

I'm getting on the gravy train people!!!!
I'm weird, I'm out there, I'm well.....quirky! So be prepared for some outrageous stuff!

Here we go!

1) I cannot stand the feel of wool! Just talking about it makes me squirm and itch! If I'm out shopping and I accidentally touch wool, I have to wipe my hands on my jeans a few hundred times!!!

"Wear more cotton! Keep sheep warm!"

2) When I get overwhelmed with anxiety, I like to hang my head over the side of the bed!

And sometimes I do it just to be a super-dooper tard too!

3) I love the smell of magic markers! I have never been high before so I can't tell you if I get high when I sniff them but I have been known to have a black mark on the tip of my nose!!!


4) I hate feet! This is a common one and I've noticed that there are many who hurl from nasty feet too.....but I gag at nasty feet!!!! ACK!
This is what you get if you google "picture of ugly feet! I went into convulsions!!!! *GAG, RETCH, PUKE*
The horror, the....the.....the hairy toes, the....the....toe nail!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5) I love, love, love Q-tips! I think I have had orgasms from cleaning out my ears! If we run out of Q-Tips, I curl up in a ball and scream like a straight boy in a gay bar!!!!
Well....that's all I'm giving to ya this time friends! Hey, I can't give it up that easy! I'm not a cheap date on prom night people! ;0)
Til next time!
BTW....I miss you too Stacy! See you for the big party on Friday! Nickie~your the best girl EVAH! See you on Friday too! Hugs!

Monday, February 11, 2008

Pondering tattoo's and stuff!

I'm sitting in my house right now pondering tattoo's....

Why you ask??? Well, because there is a small blizzard in my neck of the woods and I have nothing else to do!

So, even though my tattoo is currently in dire need of more antibiotics and my foot has swelled to the size of "Shrek" status now, I actually find tattoo's dangerous, seductive, free-spirited, and walking the wild side a bit! So, I don't have a life and this is my idea of channelling Britany Spears or Angelina Jolie..........go ahead......judge me!

Anywho, I was considering a tattoo on my bosom! My milk jugs deserve some attention. They've been through a lot and could use some extra love! Of course, I want something girly! I don't want a flag or an eagle on my boob (even though I think both are very cool, so if you are a women with a flag or an eagle tattoo; I'm not judging you!). I was thinking more on the lines of a dragon fly! Dragon flies are very lady like and very pretty! So, yeah.....a dragon fly! Then I ponder more and consider what the long term effects of permanetly tattooing my bump are! I get a ugly, ugly vision people! I forsee "ugly" in my future. Because at the increasing rate of which my boobs are dropping lately, I will simply end up with just a gigantic Dragon on my titty! A flame throwing, distorted Dragon! Not so lady like anymore, eh???

Then I thought about a tugboat on my butt! I thought it would be cute because tugboats go "toot, toot" as does my ass! Funny, witty, imaginative! I was impressed with my thinking! Then...I look into the future again! That tattoo would become a battleship within a few years (or months!). Not so creative any longer!

My tattooed friend Stacy thought about a "slinky" on both boobs! We laughed a good laugh over this one! She is a "trooper tattoo'er"! She has them on her arms, back and feet! I personally think she looks great! I think she is a very daring young lady! I fancy myself as daring! In reality, I'm a cat in a pool!

Maybe I should just get my ears pierced for a second time! EEEccckkk....Needles! Maybe I should stick to occasionally flashing people! That's pretty daring and (spooky!)

Anyway, that was me pondering while I shiver uncontrollably! My teeth are chattering and my feet are blue from being frozen! Yep....there is a pattern here my friends....I HATE Winter! And tomorrow school may be closed! I guess I will sit in the corner, sucking my thumb and drooling in a cup! I will have to buck up and entertain my Diva all day tomorrow. She doesn't have school Thursday, Friday and Monday either! I could quite possibly be bald by next week! Help me Jesus!!!!!

Last Jan. we were happily bathing in the ocean, tanning our pasty white bodies and enjoying the Orlando life! It was beautiful! Rollercoasters, SeaWorld, writing our names in the sand! Yes Funky Momma.....I'm totally pissed that you live in the Florida sun! GRRR!

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Tylenol PM.....take me away!!!!!

So what did I do this weekend???

Friday: Took Diva to my parents house to spend some time with them and to allow her mother (ME!) to restore some patience and sanity! My friend Lynard went with me! Anyway, long story short......we stopped in a Walgreens to empty our bladders. Inside the public "disasterous-disguisting-nasty" bathroom was a older lady mumbling to herself. Okay, I talk to myself often so I concentrate more on getting my spanx down and not peeing myself! I wait for Lynard to be done and at this time the lady comes out of the stall. She proceeds to tell us that today she ate broccoli and carrots for lunch and it makes her shit herself (she went into gross out details). Lynard and I giggle to amuse her and Lynard pushes me out the door! Then on our way home we run into fog! Really thick fog! I was passing a vehicle and there was a truck in front of the car I'm passing. This redneck decides to stop suddenly, turn in front of me so he can do a U-turn! Okay people.....our speed limit is 75miles and hour! Naturally I was doing 80! I screamed obsenities that deserved a mouthful of soap! I also do the motherly reaction and extend my arm in front of Lynard! Let's just say that if we were in an accident....her left boob would have been safe!!!

Saturday: Sat around and picked my butt all day! It was freezing ass cold out people! So cold your nostrils stick together and any snot freezes instantly! Sucks the big weiner I tell ya! I Hate Winter!!! AHHHHHHHH!

Sunday: It's still freezing but whatever. Meet my parents to eat lunch and then we all head to the skating rink! We (we being the PTO) decided to try to get all of the school district involved with a fun event! It worked! Over 150 people from our town! Awesome! What wasn't so awesome is my beautiful niece put her skates between mine while I was trying to help her. Note: I suck at skating anyway! So, both of us go down like big piles of goo! I proceed to push her up and then try to get my rump up too! This doesn't go so well. I end up falling on my ass again and my niece dropped on top of me again! Okay...round 2.......same thing! took me 4 attempts! Thank God for the extra padding on my keister but ass hurts!!!! And might I add how flipping hard it is to try to hold up 2 + children!!!! Good Gracious.....I finally escorted them to the wall and told them to fend for themselves. They were like leeches!!!

Anyway, I have muscles in my body that hurt like hell right now and are on fire! I'm such a freaking wuss!!!! And I'm a wuss that is totally out of shape. You want to know what's worse??? My 60yr old father was skating circles around me! I tried tripping him but that old man was just way too fast!!!! Next time my friends.....Next time!!!! Vengance will be mine!!!

So, that was my weekend! I'm going to take a bottle of Tylenol PM and maybe go soak my body in hopes of some relief. I don't even want to think about tomorrow. Ouch......

Did anyone else watch Extreme Home Make Over tonight??? Man, that was a tear jerker!
Want a funny???? Sure you do! You can't leave here without one, right???
What a cheeser! This is something my hubby would do!
Later dudes!!!!

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Freezing my nipples off but still laughing!

Hardy, Harr, Har! This video makes me dribble down my leg!!

I be bunkered into my house all weekend sista's! It's like a high of -15* here in South Shit-kota!

That son-of-a-beaver Old Man Winter is playing cruel nasty jokes on me now! I guess it's time to go "NINJA" on his ass!!!!

Here's my hubby getting rid of the snow!

Kidding! Only kidding!!! This here is the "Snow Fairy". Is't he special???