Friday, February 29, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Ready?? Okay! (channelling my old cheerleading days!)
You must post the rules before you give your answers. You must list one fact about yourself for each letter of your middle name. Each fact must begin with that letter. If you don't have a middle name, just use your maiden name. After you've been tagged, you need to up-date your blog with your middle name and answers. At the end of your post, you need to tag one person for each letter of your middle name. (Be sure to leave them a comment telling them they've been tagged and need to read your blog for details).
My middle name is Beth! It's not my favorite name but it was better then the alternative (Yolanda Betty!!! Ack!)
Being silly and acting like a dweeb is my fortay!
Eating junk food is my downfall!
Thankful for my friends whom allow me to stay silly!
Holly is my sister's name!
So, that was simple enough! I'm tagging my fellow Packer fan Kathryn at Seeking Sanity! Good luck Kathryn!!!!
And then just when you thought it couldn't be any better (yeah right! Stop shaking your head at me people!) I was emailed a meme! Because blogging is more important then emailing...I give to you my Top 10 Things!!!
1) My favortie movies are "Benchwarmers", "Duece Bigalow", and "Wild Hogs" and "Goonies"....can't forget the goonies...I love Chunk!!!!
2) My favorite color is baby blue! Well more like the slate blue! Especially when I put it with brown! Purdy!!!
3) I was going to name Diva Kadence or Brylee but chose a name that was different and beautiful! I get a lot of complaiments off of her name! I'm a Cool Chick!
4) My favorite thing to do is going to the movies. It relaxes this stressed out freaky girl! Well, the movie and the oversized tub of popcorn and fountain diet coke! *mouth watering*
5) I once peed my pants while driving down the interstate (prego with kidney problems...okay!). I had a shower to attend at a bar and because I was in a dress (that was hiked up to my thighs b/c it was not a maternity dress and I was in denial but couldn't sit in my car without it being hiked up! So, the dress was in the safe zone!) so I just peeled off the wet panties (prego panties!) and threw them out the window while doing 70mph. I pity the fool behind me! Anyway, at the party, my good friend but very evil friend thought it to be a good idea to lift up my dress and show off my expanding belly! Not good when you are not wearing your panties!
6) A week after that incident I was at work and had to go pee. I only had a minute before a meeting so I ran in at mock speed, did my thing and instead of wasting time washing my hands I just grabbed my nifty purell. I didn't check the mirror. I walked all the way back to through a bunch of people until an older lady whispered "Honey, your dress is tucked into your undies and you have a wedgie!" I screamed obsentities and pulled the dress out of my under-roo's and then picked out the huge wedgie. Everyone was in tears laughing at me! Suckers!
7) After I woke up from my last surgery (hysterectomy) I swore to God I had to poop! I was crying because of the extreme pain but was yelling very, very loudly that "I have to POOP!". I hadn't opened my eyes yet. The nurses were explaining to me that it sometimes feels like you have to poop but you really don't. And the cathater could be adding pressure to my bowels. I insisted I was going to poop the bed. Finally, I woke up enough to realize that the nurses voice was a male. I opened my eyes in time to see that he was very, very cute, laughing (at me no doubt) and placing a bed pan under my ass! I quickly told him I was fine and I didn't need that. Then he took the oxygen off of my nose b/c I was having an allergic reaction to it that made my nose itch. As he was taking it off I sneezed and blew snot all over his hand. Then I just covered my head under the blankets and cried!
8) I walked in on a robbery one time. I was tired from working 15hrs and just wanted a Mountain Dew to wake me up as I was on my way to another job! It was cold and the parking lot was deserted except for a lone man putting on a ski mask (to go into the store.....this should have been a clue). I proceeded to walk in and there he stood with a gun! He put the gun to my temple and told me to lay down. I told him "NO"! He screamed at me and I layed down. As he was running out the door he turned around to stare at me and gave me kissy lips. I stood up and ran as fast as my stubby little legs could!
9) I lost the top to my bathing suit so many times it's hard to remember them all! Or...if the bikini top didn't come off my big ole milk jug would just pop out! Kids are usually scared shitless when this happens and adults usually snicker at me!
10) My mom was stalked when I was younger. My dad was a firefighter and worked 24hrs/off 48hrs. It only happened when he worked. When he was gone, my mom would make us sleep with her and we slept next to a shot gun. When he would break in...my mom would lock us in the closet and then go searching for him. She shot the gun numerous times but never shot him. We even had alarms on our house and the bastard still got in! His intentions were to rape and kill all of us.....courtesy of a letter he wrote to us! He was a ghost and never got caught! Neighbors would stay up all night with a gun waiting for him and somehow that jerk still managed to make it in! He finally stopped stalking after our gay neighbor ladies chased his ass up a hill with a pistol. He never returned! This is primarily why I have guns in my house and large dogs that wouldn't think twice about killing someone that hurt me or Diva. Don't worry though, Diva is very, very educated on guns and the guns are safely stored and hidden. But I could get to in in a second if need be!!!
There you go! A little more about Firecracker!
Monday, February 25, 2008
(This picture just fits with todays post!)
I won't be visiting many blogs today as the sinus Rx the doc gave me are making me sleepy! So, I'm gonna be drooling and snoring here real soon!
This is why I was a sap yesterday though (scroll down to read this sappy ass post!) even though I am passionate about the abused. If I could, I would adopt every kid and every animal (sans snakes) and wrap a big blanket of love around them all! If only............
I'll see you tomorrow! I will miss you all though! I will not like taking a nap b/c I hate taking naps and I will gripe about this shit-hole weather but I will miss you and you and you!!!
ZZZZZZZ....that med works fast as I'm feeling a little high right now and can see pink elephants so nighty-night I go!
Sunday, February 24, 2008
(just a few of my blessings)
I say it everytime I drink and I'm saying it again...
"I SHOULD NEVER DRINK!!"
My body goes into alcohol shock or something! It's like a full blown "Battle of the Brown Bottle" going on inside of me!
Anway...I had a great girls night out last night! We danced, we laughed, we pissed ourselves, we danced with gay men, we looked hot, we drank, we smoke, we did it all! We even went to the strip club and put those strippers to shame! LOL! It was just a good ole' time and we partied better then the rockstars!
The small little po-dunk town is in pure disbelief and I'm sure I am the hot topic today (we started off here before going into the big city)! Ahhh...let em talk and say their "Hell Mary's " for me! It makes my life interesting!!!
You would not believe this but I don't have any pictures to speak of!!! *Gasp* I didn't want to drag the camera around all night and my phone was dead!
So today I am cleaning and doing loads of laundry and saying a ton of prayers! Not only do I feel like shit (and note....I didn't get drunk...I was feeling good, but not drunk!) but we decided to have a "party after the party" and eat some pizza (which was not such a good idea! Let's just say that we could have fueled a small world country with the amount of gas we released!) and didn't get to bed until 4:30am and then up by 8am! So, I am saying some serious prayers today!
Please help me not scream at my daugter who insists on begging for the world today"
Why does everyone in my address book insist on calling me today?"
I need patience because I cannot listen to another radio disney song or watch another CSI re-run today!"
This is just a few of my pleas today!! And now I am going to put my PJ's on and make some soup and do some homework and fight with the dogs and beat my hubby up over the remote and
repeat every word 4X's b/c my daughter says "HuH?" all the time and tell my hubby "no" 500X's and piss with the chores and blah, blah, blah!!! Yeah for Firecracker!!!
Love ya guys!
Hope you all had a great weekend!
Friday, February 22, 2008
"A Toy Story"
The original casting!
That hater of firecracker must have read some of the comments because he/she has not been back since! I mean you guys have my (fat) back, thank you! Either that or this bothersome idiot realized that when you lite a firecracker, they explode! (Yeah for metaphors!)
So, tomorrow is the big day! Tomorrow is the day that my crazed friend comes back from Texas and we (her and the rest of my posse) are going to tear up this dull, tiresome town! If people didn't already talk about us then they will now!!!
So, I decided that b/c my girls and I are planning on ripping up this town I would give a funny, yet sorta gross, story from the last time we hung in my neck of the woods.
It's a rather groteseque story and very embarrassing for yours truly and I don't really like to talk about me having a deadly gas seep out of my ass but, because you are my girls and you stuck up for me like a pimp defending his slut; I decided to make you all smile!!!
Picture it! Last year (or the year before, cannot remember dates!)
My girls came up for my b'day. We were hookered out and ready for a good time! We had ate earlier at a very greasy, grimy restaurant and it was...well...not sitting pretty with my gut! However, I demanded we go to a dancing club even though I was sure that there is going to be hell to pay as my stomach was retching and lurching every other minute now! But I am not a wimp and I will be fine!!!
Anyway, the place was packed! I received many elbow shots to the head (because I am so shitting short) but damn it....I was going to dance as my girls wanted to dance and I will not dissappoint them! So, we make our way to a the crowded dance floor! It sucked! My tune "Come on ride a train" (oldie but a sure ass shaker) started playing but I didn't have enough room to jiggle my ass like I normally do to that song! I was getting pissy as were my girls. And then.....
that's when my stomach started to protest. I felt grumbling and rumbling and I swear my intestines were having seizures at this time! I started to feel the gas pains play drums on my guts! And it happened.....the gas came from the bowels of hell! And I let one go! And the smell resembled hot garbage! And I think that a green gas with skeleton bones seeped out of my hole!
But then just like the Red Sea, people started to part! They were moving out of the way of the green bomb and I was able to start dancing like a stripper again! Some people may have been sick, but I still claim that was the numerous shots they did and not the smell of my intestinal track! So I danced like a rock star! I was riding that train and my hips were moving moves that would make a blind man see again! And then.....
I realized that everyone...including my friends...moved the hell away from me and I stood in the green haze all by myself, dancing like I needed a pole! And all eyes were on me and my haze! And I swear there was a spotlight on me! My friends were laughing at me and everyone else looked like an angry mob! They knew....they knew it was me who dropped the bomb!
And then I went and pouted next to my hubby while he protected me from the angry townspeople!
And I didn't dance happily ever after!
Thursday, February 21, 2008
So, none of it bothered me until it spoke of me being a bad mom and a Non Christian! I love God with all my heart and the best day of my life was when I felt the power of God in me. I can remember the day like it was today! I was in a dark place and was loaded with worry! I begged for God to give me strength and I felt him at that very moment pull me out of the trenches and into his arms. It was a magical moment and no one can tell me that it wasn't him! From that day forward, my life was no longer full of darkness. I have also felt Satan! He has tried to enter my life and my love for God is stronger then he will ever be. I may not attend church and I may sin more then I should, but God always forgives me and I can feel it. He knows that I love him!!
And my daughter is the most loved kid on earth. I am actually very over-protective of her. It took me months to allow her to go to the park with all her friends alone. Before I go to bed I have to check on her numerous times to make sure she's still breathing or that she didn't throw up and is choking to death (This happened to a child of someone I know!). My daughter was reading before she was 4yrs old and is very smart. This is due to the fact that she has parents that work with her and teach her new things. We take her on vacations and she really doesn't hurt for much because I love spoiling her. She is a awesome little girl with great manners (to everyone but her mom!) and everyone loves her! Everyone! And yes, unfortunately my child knows about sex. She learned all about sex in 3rd grade on the playground. Luckily, we have a good relationship with our daughter and she told us she knew. After I cried in the bathroom for 15min I got the balls to talk with her about pregnancies and V.D.'s. And then my wonderful hubby came home and spent over an hour outside talking about it more and told her how proud we were of her to come to us with questions. She did not learn about sex from us, she learned it from a kid much older then her. But I really think that Diva is more educated then the young women who told her about it!
And I would never promote adultry. I am a very happy married women and I don't need another man in my life to make me complete. I do believe that affairs happen b/c needs are not being met and it is not one persons fault. So, me and hubby make sure we fulfill the most important needs of eachother. I have one sex partner, and that is my hubby. I have had one sex partner for over 10yrs now and plan on being with him forever! End of story!
And I truly believe that sex is very important to a marriage. Very, Very important! And I do believe that we have all falling victim to the routine of sex. I try to spice it up for couples and guess what.........it works! I get feedback from my customers and I have never heard anything negative. Even the most sceptical ones. So, yes.....I sell sex toys among other stuff and it is not evil.....it is helpful!!!
I'm really not bothered by this person, I was more worried that others felt this way about me too. I really love my new bloggy friends and I don't want you to think that I am all of the names above. I really am a fun, adverterous girl. I am wild, I am crazy, but I am a Christian, I am married and I am a good mom and a good friend! I teach my Diva to laugh through her tears and I think this is a very important life lesson!
Thanks for being so supportive of me! I love you all!
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
And if you cannot stand this......well damn it......G.O.O.D! Because you'r hubby is so not lucky to have you!
Here are some tricks to help your SEX life impove! To come out of the rut! To spice it up some! These are bonafide ways to have some serious orgasms (gasp....did I just say orgasm?? Oh my..I'm such a devil child! Shame on me! *insert the sarcasim and me sticking my tongue out going "na, na, na na boo boo...stick your head in doo-doo!*
You see friends and enemies! Being stuck in the same routine is quite simply.....boring...zzzzzzzzz! Release your inner hooker! She's been wanting to come out and play for a very long time now! She wants to put on her trashy red heels that look even better when they are wrapped around your head! OOOOppppps...I did it again!
Your hubby or S.O. (significant other) so wants the hooker to show herself! Cuz ladies and gents.....I have wisdom about the male gender....they are pervs and most of them masturbate (99%) and most of them love PORN! So you may think that your man is the 1% that isn't like this and quite frankly you are so freaking naive and stupid! You are Jessica Simpson stupid!
*Note: This is more in reference to the naysayers that continue to write me hate mail but still read my blog b/c they are stupider then a redneck in Wall Street and cannot seem to remove their bug eyes from my blog b/c deep down they want to be me!!! Take that shit-holes!
Anyway! Here are some hints for a better romp under the sheets!!!
1) Make sure you are both washing the genitial area before hopping into bed. First of all, if it is a hot day out, most likely your man has swamp balls! This is when the balls get sweaty and moldy and stink like a marsh! Ick! Tell your man to wash the "stinky twinkie" if he wants to get some!!! And ladies....come on! Think about the ordors......you should be freaking embarrassed if you are smelling like the Red Lobster! K??? Clean it up! Use baby wipes! They are inexpensive and they can freshen you up in a snap! Carson Daly would so totally agree with me!! I love his gay ass! Partygals can help a sista out too! And don't roll your eyes at this b/c seriously, would you walk around smelling like body ordor all day?? Hopefully you said no! So....ummmm...duh! And yes...there are truly the ignorant ones who don't find this appropriate! dumb....so dumb!
2) Sleep in the nude one night! See how this makes you feel like a dirty slut all of a sudden! Okay seriously, this is a great way to get in the mood faster! Of course you are going to be more willing if you already have the clothes off! Plus, it's a time saver! And lets face it.....it's just we all could use the time savers! So sleep in the buff and surprise your lover!
3) Go commando! Yep...you read right! Take off those undies and let the "Hungry Moster" breathe some! Because you may disagree but this is the truth spoken from a doc....going panyless decreases your chances of those smelly, rotten infections! And it will let you reconnect with your most important places! And I can't talk much here because spanx isn't exactly hot....but if you know that you are going to dance in the bedroom that night, wear some sexy shit! Put away the spanx, granny undies or period panties! Trust me...your man will thank you later!
4) Skip that 5th glass of wine! Why?? Because alcohol can depress your hoochie! It can get all sad and it won't want an encore of the "Big O". However, a few glasses to help unwind and to release your inner diva is great! You ever heard of "liquid courage?" You will roar like a lion in bed!! Grrrrrrr!
5) Ladies...don't fake it! This is a big orgasm no-no! Why?? Because your mate will instinctivly go to that spot over and over again thinking it made you go numb from the waist down! If it didn't work, then nicely ask him to try something else! And you know what?! Don't always use the same positions. This is crazy! Because you may be missing out on the mind blowing "O" that you desperately deserve. Don't short-change yourself! And if you are not having the mind boggling "o", then sex will be boring and so not worth the time and effort next time! This can lead to some marital stresses!
And finally, if you are having troubles with sex....talk to your doctor and get a reference to a sex therapists! This will beneifit your marriage, family and happiness! And just so you know....sex therapists are all for sex toys, lotions or potions like I sell! Yes...I do my research!
So, there you have it! Now run on over to www.partygals.biz/partywithkrissy and see the wonderful things we offer!
And also, FYI....I DO sell makeup, lotions that are non-sexual and some fun things like chocolate lotions for kids! Don't.mess.with.me! My diva thinks that I sell the wonderful bubble bath that smells like cotton candy or chocolate sundaes b/c I do. And she loves the body glitter that tastes like honey for her dance recitals. And when she gets growing pains......my hot legs that I buy in the cases helps her rest easier. Especially on nights that her R.L.S. (Restless Leg Syndrome) bothers her! I would never in a million years tell my 10yr old that I sell Sex toys! She thinks I sell Girly Gals and Girly Kids because I Do! And btw....my kid could kick your kids ass anyday! GRRRRR!
And I also have never, ever supported adultry! I don't know where you would ever come up with this! I focus on helping married couples enjoying eachother so they don't have the need to have an affair and I also support safe sex for singles! So, bite me where the sun don't shine and shove off, puke faces!!!!
I am a PartyGal....here me ROAR!!!!!
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Krissy!I've emailed Krissy & she'll get to pick her choice of Ballerina, either premade or a custom design.Thanks again, everyone!*As a special Thankyou, I'd also like to offer 1/2 priced shipping on all Ballerina Holders. This offer will run till the end of March! Just use code: NNHalf when checking out & 1/2 your shipping will be refunded!"
(check out Kathryn's site too because she is a very funny girl! Hugs Kathryn! Don't be mad at me for playing you) :0)
Monday, February 18, 2008
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Oh look, there's my tattooed momma and Lynard's friend Nick! Nick is a freaking hoot people! He very openly likes men and is very happy to answer any questions you may have. Okay, well....when firecracker drinks a little too much, I tend to ask a lot of questions! I am more educated on gay men then anyone else out there! I'll spare you the details but I will say at one point I asked if he needed to buy a strap-on from me (yes...I do have them but I have never sold one.....now I know why!). He gave me a very inquisitive look that suggested I was pretty stupid! Oops! Love you NICK and tattoo girl....I love my tattoo momma! She is the sweetest thing since snickers bars! Mwah!
"Well hello cupcake! I'll be eating one of you pretty soon and I'll also have one shoved up my nose by my super-dooper sexy friend, Firecracker!"
Me got thristy! Got milk?????
Some karaoke please! Lynard was smoking in that shirt!
Friday, February 15, 2008
1) You are watching a episode of "Full House" and D.J. and Kimmy totally screw up Jessies music when they go in and record over it with their version of "Locomotion" after then knew to not mess with his stuff and all you can think is "I would have grounded them for life and put them over my knee!" (note: I have never put Diva over my knee but today......I would have!)
2) The neighbors dog would not stop barking and it was causing your gigantic headache to retaliate by playing drums in your head. I went on a search for the b.b. gun!!! (note: I have never shot an animal with a b.b. gun but if I would have found it today the dog would have been shitting b.b.'s)
3) I totally go postal on a WalMart worker who had the misfortune of answering my call today b/c they just had a very irritating voice!!!! (note: I have freaked out on WalMart workers before but not because of their whiny voice!)
4) My hubby comes out of the bedroom after I have been awake since 5:30am and asks if I am still sick and I want to jump up and smack him b/c "Duh, of course I am still sick!" (note: ummmm...yeah, I've freaked out on him like this before! Sorry hun!!)
5) My cell phone has a text message and I want to throw the phone into the fireplace b/c the ring is a ridiculous, annoying ring! (note: I am very hard on cell phones! I have thrown my phone before!)
6) Urkel on "Family Matters" needs to be beat bloody!!!!! (note: I don't know any Urkels so everyone is safe.....for NOW!"
7) The home phone rings and it's my equally sick father and yet I answer the phone like this "What!!!!" and then proceed to tell him that "I am way sicker then you and my head hurts much more then yours so buck up dad!!! You'll be fine!" (note: my dad is my best friend and he told me to shut up and stop being so damn crabby today!)
8) The dog is snoring and it is causing distress to my headache again so you muscle up enough energy to stand up and kick the dog awake! (note: I don't ever kick my dogs and it was more of a "wake up" nudge but the dog was pissed anyway and grumbled at me!)
9) My hubby, whom usually calls me 10X's a day, won't call me today! (note: I don't blame him!)
10) The garbage truck outside is making too much noise and I envision myself throwing hot coffee in his face! (note: I won't do this because the garbage man is a scary man and could snap me like a twig!)
11) You want to stomp on the computer b/c spell check still doesn't work on blogspot! (note: Yeah, I would totally stomp on the computer today and I'm also considering yelling at all my elementary teachers b/c they didn't teach me to spell good enough!)
Yep, I'm having a crappy, sucky, no-good, piss on me day!!!!!!!!! Diva is going to a friends which for her sake, is a good thing! Diva is still sleeping right now, which is also a good thing!!!! I better up the dosage today! And I'm also going to down a entire bottle of Excedrin Migraine b/c Funky Mama and anglophile Football fanatic told me to try it!
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Monday, February 11, 2008
Why you ask??? Well, because there is a small blizzard in my neck of the woods and I have nothing else to do!
So, even though my tattoo is currently in dire need of more antibiotics and my foot has swelled to the size of "Shrek" status now, I actually find tattoo's dangerous, seductive, free-spirited, and walking the wild side a bit! So, I don't have a life and this is my idea of channelling Britany Spears or Angelina Jolie..........go ahead......judge me!
Anywho, I was considering a tattoo on my bosom! My milk jugs deserve some attention. They've been through a lot and could use some extra love! Of course, I want something girly! I don't want a flag or an eagle on my boob (even though I think both are very cool, so if you are a women with a flag or an eagle tattoo; I'm not judging you!). I was thinking more on the lines of a dragon fly! Dragon flies are very lady like and very pretty! So, yeah.....a dragon fly! Then I ponder more and consider what the long term effects of permanetly tattooing my bump are! I get a ugly, ugly vision people! I forsee "ugly" in my future. Because at the increasing rate of which my boobs are dropping lately, I will simply end up with just a gigantic Dragon on my titty! A flame throwing, distorted Dragon! Not so lady like anymore, eh???
Then I thought about a tugboat on my butt! I thought it would be cute because tugboats go "toot, toot" as does my ass! Funny, witty, imaginative! I was impressed with my thinking! Then...I look into the future again! That tattoo would become a battleship within a few years (or months!). Not so creative any longer!
My tattooed friend Stacy thought about a "slinky" on both boobs! We laughed a good laugh over this one! She is a "trooper tattoo'er"! She has them on her arms, back and feet! I personally think she looks great! I think she is a very daring young lady! I fancy myself as daring! In reality, I'm a cat in a pool!
Maybe I should just get my ears pierced for a second time! EEEccckkk....Needles! Maybe I should stick to occasionally flashing people! That's pretty daring and (spooky!)
Anyway, that was me pondering while I shiver uncontrollably! My teeth are chattering and my feet are blue from being frozen! Yep....there is a pattern here my friends....I HATE Winter! And tomorrow school may be closed! I guess I will sit in the corner, sucking my thumb and drooling in a cup! I will have to buck up and entertain my Diva all day tomorrow. She doesn't have school Thursday, Friday and Monday either! I could quite possibly be bald by next week! Help me Jesus!!!!!
Last Jan. we were happily bathing in the ocean, tanning our pasty white bodies and enjoying the Orlando life! It was beautiful! Rollercoasters, SeaWorld, writing our names in the sand! Yes Funky Momma.....I'm totally pissed that you live in the Florida sun! GRRR!
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Did anyone else watch Extreme Home Make Over tonight??? Man, that was a tear jerker!
Saturday, February 9, 2008
I be bunkered into my house all weekend sista's! It's like a high of -15* here in South Shit-kota!
That son-of-a-beaver Old Man Winter is playing cruel nasty jokes on me now! I guess it's time to go "NINJA" on his ass!!!!
Here's my hubby getting rid of the snow!
Kidding! Only kidding!!! This here is the "Snow Fairy". Is't he special???