That hater of firecracker must have read some of the comments because he/she has not been back since! I mean you guys have my (fat) back, thank you! Either that or this bothersome idiot realized that when you lite a firecracker, they explode! (Yeah for metaphors!)
So, tomorrow is the big day! Tomorrow is the day that my crazed friend comes back from Texas and we (her and the rest of my posse) are going to tear up this dull, tiresome town! If people didn't already talk about us then they will now!!!
So, I decided that b/c my girls and I are planning on ripping up this town I would give a funny, yet sorta gross, story from the last time we hung in my neck of the woods.
It's a rather groteseque story and very embarrassing for yours truly and I don't really like to talk about me having a deadly gas seep out of my ass but, because you are my girls and you stuck up for me like a pimp defending his slut; I decided to make you all smile!!!
Picture it! Last year (or the year before, cannot remember dates!)
My girls came up for my b'day. We were hookered out and ready for a good time! We had ate earlier at a very greasy, grimy restaurant and it was...well...not sitting pretty with my gut! However, I demanded we go to a dancing club even though I was sure that there is going to be hell to pay as my stomach was retching and lurching every other minute now! But I am not a wimp and I will be fine!!!
Anyway, the place was packed! I received many elbow shots to the head (because I am so shitting short) but damn it....I was going to dance as my girls wanted to dance and I will not dissappoint them! So, we make our way to a the crowded dance floor! It sucked! My tune "Come on ride a train" (oldie but a sure ass shaker) started playing but I didn't have enough room to jiggle my ass like I normally do to that song! I was getting pissy as were my girls. And then.....
that's when my stomach started to protest. I felt grumbling and rumbling and I swear my intestines were having seizures at this time! I started to feel the gas pains play drums on my guts! And it happened.....the gas came from the bowels of hell! And I let one go! And the smell resembled hot garbage! And I think that a green gas with skeleton bones seeped out of my hole!
But then just like the Red Sea, people started to part! They were moving out of the way of the green bomb and I was able to start dancing like a stripper again! Some people may have been sick, but I still claim that was the numerous shots they did and not the smell of my intestinal track! So I danced like a rock star! I was riding that train and my hips were moving moves that would make a blind man see again! And then.....
I realized that everyone...including my friends...moved the hell away from me and I stood in the green haze all by myself, dancing like I needed a pole! And all eyes were on me and my haze! And I swear there was a spotlight on me! My friends were laughing at me and everyone else looked like an angry mob! They knew....they knew it was me who dropped the bomb!
And then I went and pouted next to my hubby while he protected me from the angry townspeople!
And I didn't dance happily ever after!