Monday, February 25, 2008

Please don't give me a ticket mean I mean mam!

I'm going to just assume that when you call the female local cop a "sir" because....well to put it nicely....she's a she-man! I'm pretty sure she has my license plate stored in her memory and has my mug shot hanging at the local donut shop! In my defense, had she have been in uniform when I called her "sir" I would of recognized her and called her by her name!! Instead she was decked out in a plaid shirt, oversized carpenter pants and had on the nice boots with the flannel flap on the top! Totally "man" out! So, if you don't want to be called "Sir" at least wear some hooker boots so I could put two & two together. I always look at shoes first! Always! I am a shoe whore!!! A shoe enthusiast! I am "Shoe"per Women!

And to make matters worse, I had to use the bathroom while in our po-dunk gas station. So, I hold myself so I don't pee my pants and scooted/hopped/drug my pee-pee filled bladder to the nearest (and only) bathroom! I was jumping up and down trying to unzip my pants when I glanced down and saw it! The nastiest toliet that I have ever laid my seeping eyes on! Holy Mother of Jesus! What did this person eat??????

"It" (it meaning Shit!) was incrusted on the seat itself and covered in turd! I cannot explain the grossness I witnessed! I wanted to scratch out my eyeballs and light my nose on fire! I quickly pulled up the spanx (which spanx does not easily pull up) grabbed the jeans and zipped while on the "fly" and I also puked in my mouth a little. Oh.My.God! I don't know who's asshole exploded in there but they need to seek medical attention.....I know a good Proctologists! I barely made it home in time to pee!

If I would have known the hooigan who destroyed that bathroom I would have ripped out their pancrease and bitch slapped them with it! If they were the "Poop Fairy" though they could make some serious green!

Then I get home and realized that my body is aches are turning into misery and we have a "recorder" concert tonight to sit through! Yep..our school decided that instead of our 4th graders doing a Xmas program (which is so much better!) that they would be excluded from that but instead they will whistle the tunes of "Mary Had a Little Lamb" or "When the Saints come marching in" and my personal favorite: "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star"

A person could never hear enough of that song! It's a folk song in some eyes!!

Do you see a pattern here though? When Cracker get's sick she gets cranky! I am all cranked out with no one's throat to wrap my plump little digits around! Damn!

I need to go on the "South Bitch Diet".

Looky at this....3 posts in 24hrs! Your special friends.....darn special!

Here's a youtube song that I love though! I can only copy a link because now I'm confused with the video thing with youtube! But, go and listen....I wuv this song..especially on my bitch days!!!!

(This picture just fits with todays post!)

Maybe next post will be a cup of sunshine for you! You never know what personality you'll get!


noble pig said...

Oh God, what's with that turd in the toilet picture! I seriously laughed till I cried. Oh geez, made my freakin afternoon. Hope you are feeling better.

LunaNik said...

That picture is great!!!! I used to know this guy who was OBSESSED with myspace and every pic on his profile was taken IN THE BATHROOM!!!!

And, yeah, public toilets are the pits. I avoid them at all costs. Even in emergencies. Seriously, I would rather crap in my pants than use a public toilet.

Kathryn said...

That pic! Hilarious! What is up with that???? And besides flushing the toilet, try matching undies too. Sheesh!

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

I had TOTALLY forgotten about Ugly kid Joe!! I LOVED that song when it came out!!

Hallie :)

Smitty76 said...

I almost choked when I saw that picture! LOL

P.S. I tagged you!

Nickie said...

Oh, there's our song--you know it's our (the wild girls of the town) song! Anyway--the deuce is so not sexy whether in the toilet or in a picture, but is sure does make me laugh!

Lisa said...

On the myspace pic -- Details, shmetails! (I'm joking. That is really gross. Maybe she's proud of her poo? I dunno.)

On the other stuff. My sis in law once worked at a record store in Houston (Records... Guess that tells you how long ago it was!) and a cop came barrelling in there and since they knew him, they didn't think anything of it. He was using the bathroom. Afterwards, they flipped out because this guy must have been violently ill... There was ahem, STUFF everywhere. Toilet seat, floor, even parts of the wall and a bit on the ceiling. I will spare you the rest of the details but I STILL can't think about that incident without my stomach rolling. GROSS.

Huckdoll said...

Oh snap!!! That pic is horrifyingly special :D Thank God I visited you tonight...I have not laughed this hard in so long.