Monday, February 4, 2008

5 best excuses to not have sex!

Here are some sure fire ways that your mate will roll over and play dead instead of pestering you for some lovin'!

5) "I'm constipated! I haven't pooped for days! But we can try it if you want!"

4) "I've got diarreah! It's really loose stools and I'm puckering to keep it in!"

3) "My hemroids are flaring! I think they may be bleeding!"

2) "Um, Aunt Flo is visiting and she is making some waves!"

and the number one best way to get out of sex!

Drum roll please (ddddddddddddllllllllllllaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmaaaa!)

1) "I'm baking bread down there! I have a serious yeast infection honey!"

This will clamp the chastity belt on tighter then my spanx fit on my ass!!!!

Yeah baby!!! Women rule!

Now...this is just plain old stupid!!

And this just cracks my ass up!!!! Hardy, Harr, harr!

Alright, not to get too gross or anything but ummmm.....yeah! My dog Vampers kinda sorta ate from the garbage one time and ummmmm.....yeah......she was shitting balloons the next day! Totally embarrassing considering the neighbor saw it all! Ack!!!!! On my defense, at least I was making sure I didn't get prego (knowing my body wouldn't like that much) and I did dispose of them properly AND we have had to put all garbages under sinks as both my demons eat out of the garbage! Kleenex, toliet paper etc! So, there! Leave me alone!!!
Poor Poochie! How sad!!!
And if my insanity troubles you.....I'm truly sorry (I think I'm losing some blog friends here, *sigh* But I still have my non-blogger friends to back me up! Love you babes!)! But, it's me and it will always be me! So.........sorry!!!! And well.....spell check still sucks monkey butt and I know that there is a hyperlink button but it just adds the whole website link! Not like putting a name like Krissy and then you can just click "Krissy" and it takes you too the website. Okay, see.....I really am a computer retard!!! I wish I was smarter then my coffee table!!! :-(
Kisses everyone!!!!!


A Buns Life said...

My Siberian Husky pukes up's pretty freaking gross to say the least. If I even forget once to throw them away in a covered trash can, I can be sure I will find it puked up later on in the day.

Kathryn said...

Oh no you di'ent! That is HILARIOUS! I almost crapped my pants reading those excuses. I'll be sure to try some of those on my hubby. HA!
Thank you so much for commenting on my blog. It is always great to meet another Packer fan! Woohoo! Go Pack!
I did a ton of posts on the Packers when I went to the playoff game (the freezing cold one) in January and got some great pics. Take a look.
I'm so glad you found me, because you seriously crack me up! I'm bookmarking you, if you don't mind. :)

FUN-ky Mama said...

You're not losing me...I think you're freaking great. Personally....I decided that my blog was for me, and I LOVE for people to read and comment, but I'm not going to change what I write, or write for someone else's benefit. I don't care about ads or who's who or blog rules. I'm just here to have fun, make genuine friends, and commisserate! :o)

FUN-ky Mama said...

Oh and I forgot to say....we foster for a dog rescue group, and we have 3 of our own dogs, and currently 2 fosters...sooo I know all about dogs eating, pooping, and puking weird stuff. The other day one of ours got into the trash and ate corn. EWWWW!! What a freaking mess!!!

Sandy C. said...

Oh my gawd!!!!! I think I'm crying!!! I get a damn ab workout everytime I come here :) Oh that list, and I can't get the visual of a dog blowing up condoms from the rear- bawahahahahah

jess said...'s how to use that hyperlink button..

highlight the WORD you want to link...

so if you want to link "krissy" type

hi, i'm krissy. highlight KRISSY and paste the link in the pop up box. now your name will become a hyperlink.

does that help?? if you have a yahoo account or MSN instant messenger, i can help you out...

good luck.

Mama Zen said...

I can't wait to show my husband that picture with the dog!

Nickie said...

Hee, hee, hee--you're not losing me either! Funny stuff about dogs. I'm a crazy cat lady and while they can definately be a gross out too, they at least pretend like they didn't do it and walk away quickly, unlike dogs who seem to claim it all and still expect a scratch and treat!! As Mark Twain wrote "If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much." I often think that owners mimic their pets in this way as well! (Random thought for the day!)

Don Mills Diva said...

Okay those excuses are soooo gross! But I have no doubt they are effective!

Huckdoll said...

My man is a feign. I don't think any of any of those excuses would roll...or else he'd know I was lying...I suck at that!