Wednesday, April 2, 2008

The time has come!

I remember the days where I could do a "fake out" on my child and pretend to be smart. She would gaze at me with her baby blues and be in complete awe. For a long period of time she thought I was the smartest person ever!!!!

I can no longer fool my child. Hell, I can't even hand her the "little white lies" to get out of answering the numerous questions she asks.

I admit, I have been the mom who has lied to her child before. I'm sure the hate mail will be coming on strong after that admission however, I don't care!

For instance, I had a fat lip one time. I got stung by a bee that was on my pop can. My lip swelled to "Angelina Jolie" status. My daughter, who was probably about 3 and was into asking every single question known to humans. She was inquisitive about my fat lip. This was after answering questions like "Why is the sky blue" or "Where does poop come from?" I was tired and sick of answering the questions. Hubby was equally tired and offered no help. So, she asked me "Momma, why is your lip puffy?" First of all, the child feared bees already and would run for the hills if a bee was within 20feet of her, so I didn't want to freak her out from bees anymore then she already was. So, being the genius that I am, I answered "Because mommy is talking to much and I need to stop talking now. So, you can't ask any more questions for the day!" I'll be damned, but it worked and she colored instead! I was impressed with my award winning "mom" skills!

One time she was being a total brat! She was about 4yrs old. When I say brat, I mean selling her on the black market kinda brat! I was losing my patience. She wouldn't go to bed, she was flipping out and I was about ready to slice my own neck! Finally, after fighting with her for an hour, even resorting to calling "Papa" and having him give her the smack down, I told her I was going to buy an alligator and keep it as a pet so that way when she wouldn't go to sleep like a good girl I would have the alligator sleep with her. She jumped into bed and didn't make a peep! It worked for about a month! I know, I should get the "Mother of the Year" award!!!!

I'm sure that just resulted in even more hate mail! Bring it on bastards!

But now, the kid is on to me! She handed me her math homework to check. Shit....good night for the math genius hubs to be gone. Uhhhhh......sure hon, it looks good! It was fractions, and I don't know fractions. I'm a complete stupid idiot when it comes to math. Then I realized that there were 4 questions that she needed help with! Oh craptacular! I mumbled a few words, praying to the Gods that she would just figure it out! Nope....the little snot nose looked at me and said "Seriously mom, you should have went to college!"

As much as she is a brat, she was completely right! Damn me for being a stupid teenager! Damn, Damn, Damn! The math sits incomplete, until tomorrow morning when the "almighty" dad can help her with it. You know he's smarter then me, because he went to college.

I want to go back to school. I really, really do. But if I can't get through 4th grade math, how in the hell can I go to college. I'm scared people. My daughter is starting to see my stupidness. I'm gonna have to seriously go out and by that alligator now just to have some leverage on the little shit!!!!

Does anyone know where to buy an alligator?????

This weekend will be a weekend from hell again. I have to work and she is having friends over. I'm quite positive that after working 9hours on my feet I will return to a messy home. I love my daughters friends and I am so considered the "cool" mom. I act like a mom to these rotten children. I have permission from each parent to discipline their children like they were my own!

~insert witch cackle~

As much as I love these rugrats, I could possibly freak out on them if my house is destroyed. I fear for their lives!!! ;-)

Here's a sample of the hell rats!!!!! This was a few weekends ago! The boy in the back is a neighborhood kid who feels pretty damn hot being the token boy!!!!

They are silly, they are odd, they are sweet (at times) and they are spawns of the devil too! Of course, they are "catty" little girls and sometimes I want to pull their hair out but once again, I will double the dosage to make it through the weekend.

God, if you can hear me; would you please throw some patience my way or better yet, make these children mind their manners and having them clean the house would be a bonus too. I think I deserve it! Well, maybe I don't deserve that much but since you love me anyway, could you spoil me for the day???? Oh, and can you make my back stop hurting so much? And maybe let me win the lottery! Okay, now I know I'm asking for too much but remember, this is why you love me! After all, you made me!!!!

I'm sorry for breaking some of the commandments and I know I use your name in vain more then I should. I also know that I am a sinner at times and you probably do mental forehead smacks to yourself after I make mistakes. I'm sorry that I am a slow learner, and you are probably frustrated with that but I don't think you gave my brain enough storage. It seems to go on the blitz once in a while too! Is my brain under any sort of warranty??? Just asking!

Thanks so much! I love you and thank you for the blessings, even though they make me whacko at times!!!! But I wouldn't trade my blessings for the world.......and I have you to thank for all the love I have in my heart!!! :-)

Tell my Grandma and Papa "hi" and I miss them. Tell my other grandparents the same. Tell little Cheyenne that I hope she is having fun playing with all the other angels and I love her still every single day and I miss her more then she'll ever know. Tell my dog Bambi that I think of her! Tell my Aunt Bessie that I wish she was still hear to talk too! Tell my friends that entered into eternity to give me a hug once in awhile. And tell Jesus thanks for forgiving all my sins (all 4000 of them a day!)


Krissy, the one with the big mouth and big attitude. Just in case you forgot which Krissy it was!!!!


Brittany said...

I might use that gator one.... seriously. ;)

Queen of the Mayhem said...

I will put you in touch with my alligator dealer....I usually use him for poisonous snakes...but I hear he dabbles in both! :)

Kathryn said...

Joey is already starting to argue with some of my answers to his questions. And he is only 5!

cyndy said...

There are gators all over the place around here. How about I catch you a baby? I'm not fighting with the big boys! You can raise it in the backyard till it gets big, then unleash it on the diva!

Tara R. said...

I really think we were twins separated at birth. =) I don't do math (I was a journalism major), the rocket scientist hubs helps with that, I get English. Still after all these years, I hate homework.

I live in Florida, there are probably a few stray Gators I could send your way.

Hang in there!