Thursday, August 14, 2008

To the Man in the Speedo at the pools!

Dude, why??? Why do you always seek me out? You are unquestionably the most bizarre fella' I have ever laid my blue eyes on.

I've seen you at two different swimming areas. You are always alone. Your old pruned ass scares me. Do you hang out by yourself? You are at the pools....but I have never seen your disgusting speedo's that ride high in the crack area get wet. You are at a pool, yet you are not wet. This baffles me.

And you always find me. To give me the quick chin in the air as a hello, like you are so freaking cool. I always stare at you with my gut wanting my lunch to launch out of my mouth and land on you. You give me the willies. You always stride in front of me like you are Michael Phelps. Like your speedo is appropriate. Like I am interested in what lies underneath those tiny speedos. I am pretty damn sure they are stuffed with something. Why do I think this? Because it moves. The bulge moves. And it is ugly....I have considered popping my eyeballs out of my head. I'm troubled with you. Put your sock away and consider a different bathing suit. You are not in the Olympics and you are not a trained athlete and you are not allowed to wear speedos. It is a unwritten rule. Especially when it is a man that can get the Senior Citizen rate at your local IHop.

Now listen...I have to say that I am not the only person that shields her daughters eyes when you walk by. Others look at you like I do. I am not alone on this. You are scary to small children and I am pretty sure some of the poor people tried to drown themselves when you strutted past the pool. I was one of them. My sister saved my life and told me to "hold on!" "You have a daughter to think about! Don't kill yourself over speedos!" I was ashamed at first until you walked by again and the speedo's had mysteriously vanished up your crack. This time my sister tried to die. You must have no thoughts of others well being! You are cruel.

So, summer is coming to an end. And soon you will have to put those speedo's away. I am going to suggest you bury them if not burn them. have to rid those things of the world. We are counting on you. I cannot see you one.more.time or I will slash my wrists with a plastic knife. Please, for all that is holy, get a swim suit that goes to your knees. And you may want to consider a wax job on your hairy back. You look like you are wearing a sweater in the middle of summer. Just saying.....

And here is something to think about. If you are some sort of perverted asshole looking at the young girls running around in bikini's; I will not hesitate to beat you with my sisters swim bag that weighs close to 500lbs. I will beat you like a redheaded step-child. I will take your speedos and wrap them around your neck. I will take your sock and gag you with it. Because I happened to notice all the young teens walking around with dental floss on too, and I ask myself "Where are those girls parents when they pick out their swim suits?" But if you are thinking dirty perverted thoughts I will kick your hairy ass. Might want to consider a shave there too.

So that is it. Take heed in what I am saying. You are about to get beat up by a bunch of over-protected moms. Me being the head of the mob and all.

A disgusted mom.

(I did not get pictures because I only had my camera phone and it wasn't clear or close enough to get the full effect. You should be thanking me right now. Unless you like throwing up in your mouth and swallowing it.)


Kel said...

Oh that is so gross! I'm quite happy there are no photos....if words give me that image...yeah, I don't need anymore help.


Mike Golch said...

I'm so not touching this one!
I do hope that you had a great day!
Mike G. said that! HUGS and GOD's Blessings

Blessings From Above said...

Ughhhh...I hate when guys wear speedups! It is so disgusting. Do the actually think they look good???

LaskiGal said...

The only thing that keeps me from the public pool . . . and beach.

He will most definitely be there . . .


Then again, Speedos and wrinkly old men make for excellent blog fodder :)