Wednesday, June 11, 2008

A freakish third titty......

This is a coma induced post. I may say things that make no sense and I could possibly fall asleep during this post. It will be interesting.
Yesterday I spoke about pooping and colon cleanse. Today my dear friends, I speak to you about a third boob. It's red, swollen and very painful. I will refrain from showing you a picture of it as you would get grossed out but I have a huge cyst that is filled with puss and hurts like a son-of-a-bastard. I get these growths when stress overwhelms my life. I should just have a new bra specially made to accommodate it. Stress rules my existence. But never breaks my sense of humor.

So, because these blessed puss bags have taken residence upon my lady lumps before, I have a bottle full of pain killers. And I am loaded with pain killers tonight. It doesn't help that I taught CPR tonight and every time I showed the class the proper way to do CPR and compressions it banged up against the other boob and as I was counting my compressions it sounded something like this:

"One, Two, Son, Of, A, Bitch, Seven, Eight, Jesus, Have, Mercy, On, My, Melons, Fifteen, Sixteen, Fuck, A, Duck, This, Hurts!"

Okay, I said it in my mind because I was teaching CPR to professional snot rags that were way to boring and way to better then me then to listen to me speak. Of course, I always throw humor into my classes but tonight I heard crickets chirping and saw a lot of eye rolling. A bunch of Numb Nuts is pretty classy to call them.

Anyway, so my third boob is giving me hell and I know that if I go to the doctor he will knife the thing open without pain meds and I will have to kick him in his jingle bells. So, I will ice the shit out of it hoping the bastard goes away.....far, far away.

I think I'll name it "Puss Bucket" because it is so big it may need it's own zip code. Maybe I will take a picture and show you. No, better not because that could be classified as porn plus I love you all too much to see you gauge your eyeballs out with a hot spoon. So, I will suffer a lonely boob issue all by myself.

And mother nature made her ugliness tear off more shingles from our roof today. Thanks, bitch! And because we have had so many claims on the house from the fricking floods, I can't claim a new roof because we will get dropped from our insurance. Isn't life grand for me?

But I am trying to be more positive so at least a tree didn't fall on our house or a airplane didn't crash into our house so I guess things could be worse. And of course, besides me and all my medical catastrophes, we are pretty much healthy. Thanks Be to God for that.

So, I'm starting to drool now and I have to go get some ice to numb "Puss Bucket" before I hit the pillow so farewell for now. Maybe the next post will be about all the gas I have and we can get in touch with each other even more. Your welcome!!!

Good night friends! I think I'll leave a funny again because humor is the best medicine except laughing causes the double D's to jiggle and that hurts "Puss Bucket". But for you, I will do anything. I think the pain meds made me high (I've never been high before but I just scarfed down a box of cookies so I'm pretty sure I'm high!)

If you need one of these...please contact me...I have extras! LOL!

9 comments:

DysFUNctional Mom said...

Soak a cloth in Epsom salt & warm water, then lay it on your 3rd boobie. That should help it feel better & draw out the ickies.
xoxo feel better!

Kel said...

I love that no matter what you never lose your sense of humor...as for the house and Mother Nature...knock on wood!
~K

sltbee69 said...

LMAO again! I loved your inner dialogue you were having during the CPR class. I'm sorry your puss bucket is giving you so much pain. I can never remember if you should apply hot or cold compresses to cysts. Sorry. Thankfully, I don't get those but I think the infected hairs I get in the nether regions rate up there. It makes walking very painful, if you know what I mean.

A Buns Life said...

Yes, do what dysfunctional mom said. That will open up the pores and hopefully drain out the yucks. I really hope you feel better soon!

Kathryn said...

Aww. Your poor puss infested boob. I hope you feel better soon!

April said...

Owie! Hope it feels better soon!

Tara R. said...

Sorry to hear about the heinous third boobage. I just took a CPR class. I would have loved for you to be my instructor... we could have made fun of all the other people there. Hope you're feeling better soon.

Brittany said...

ummm grossness. Hope your booby is better soon! :)

rest, rest, rest, woman!! :)

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