Thursday, March 20, 2008

The trouble with sex!

I know that sex isn't always "Oooh, Oooh, baby, Oooh!" I know that as a women, sometimes our bodies (as we get older, I hate saying that though) go through what I call protest but "the change" is the proper way of saying it.

Because of the protest, sometimes sex doesn't feel good. Our libido goes on strike and we push our husbands away like they are covered with boils that are seeping goo. I know this all too well because of my early hysterectomy and issues due to no hormones. I call this period of my life "hellsonofabitchdamnIhatemyGynofordoingthistome!" Did you get that??? Here, let me translate, because I'm cool like that! (hell, son of a bitch, damn, I hate my Gyno for doing this to me!)

But I have learned some good techniques and of course, I sell some kick ass potions and toys that negotiate well with my stubborn libido. Let me just say "Love Motion #9" Kids, this should be called "magic in a bottle" or "instant orgasm". Seriously, this is my kind of goop. It makes me go from "Ho-Hum" to "Ooooooooohhhhhhh, Hun!" Check it at! Thank you Love Motion #9 for giving me and my hubby some "happy times!" (our code for sex)

Next, here are some things that you can do on your own, without buying stuff. First and foremost, switch up the routine. If you are usually the romantic couple and snuggle, kiss, hug, etc. make it nasty dirty. Don't under estimate the power of a good ole' fashion spanking. Just make sure he/she cups the hand a bit, because that eliminates the sting!!!! Talk dirty! Instead of whispering sweet nothings into your lovers ear whisper sweet nasties instead. And vice-versa. If you are already the dirty lover, then make a romantic night with candles, back rubs, looking into each others eyes, whispering your love and devotion to your mate. And keep switching this shit up! It works.

Also, email is a great thing (or text). If you can email your hubby at work without the boss reading it, send some nasty little love notes and explain all the things you are going to do to him that night. I know most women don't like to give oral sex! Lets face it, when it comes to you being down there it takes hours, days, years for him to be done. And who likes the hand on the head guiding you??? Ummmm.....not too many people I know anyway! But make this his special treat, buy some "Up and Coming" from Partygals (easy quickie in a bottle) and he will thank you for it in the morning, hopefully handing you the credit card to use for whatever you want!!!

That's it for now! I'm doing good on questions but I'm not going to do that post for some time! I need more! Don't forget to tell your friends!!!

I've been asked to help give some of my sex knowledge on a blog. I will tell you the details once I know more. And I know that I have been neglecting comments. I will be by tomorrow telling you all how much you rock. I just started my Target gig, and things got crazy around my crib! But tomorrow is going to be devoted to all of you!!! Promise!
So, I'm off to have some happy sex so I can go to bed and have sweet dreams.

"Happy Sexing" to you my friends.



Brittany said...

Texting is one I use... I can't email my hubby naughty goodness, because each email goes through a screening process! haha. I could just see those screening... ha ha.

April said...

OMG that cartoon is HILARIOUS! LOL

Texting IS a great tool. I agree. And cameras on the you can text pics...well that rocks too. LOL

N said...

Good post--keep it up (no pun intended!)

Kathryn said...

My own personal sex therapist!!! :)

LunaNik said...

OMG...that cartoon! I refuse to believe that AARP members still get it on...bleh!

Anonymous said...

racy lady!!!

Mama Zen said...

You are so hilarious!

Sandy C. said...

Switching it up is definitely good :)

I LOVE that cartoon :) ROFL!!!

Mike Golch said...

the catooon is fantanstic,I have always loved the 'granny".One time she was looking under the covers and telling him you really did not save anything for retirement.