Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Dear Ovaries and Uterus and Kidneys:

Our relationship has never been on the best terms. From the moment that you started wreaking havoc on my body, I swore then and there that I hated you! My first period was a sign of what kind of anguish you brought to me. As the years continued, and I sat on the toilet for a good week, I contemplated ripping you out of my body myself. I would have used a dull spoon to cut through my flesh just to rip you out! When I said I hated you, I meant it!

And then one day I felt funny......a funny I never felt before! And I thought to myself: after all the years of doctors telling me that my girly parts would never cooperate with me enough to have a child and your only purpose was to give me 2 periods a month with extreme pain and extreme blood, could you have really done the unbelievable and given me the gift of child?? After 3 home pregnancy tests and a visit to the doctor, it was did your job right for once. I was scared and elated both at the same time. I was scared because you chose to house a baby at a inconvenient time and my mind was telling me this was bad, really, really bad. But the boss (my heart) kept thumping "good....good....good" and I knew from then on out that my heart was God telling me that things would be okay!!!

During my pregnancy, you continued to give me some problems.....but nothing I or a very wonderful doctor couldn't handle. All was well until your neighbors; Mr. and Mrs. Kidneys, took over being the asses. They made me feel like I had a drum player jamming out in my back, decided to bleed, and caused excruciating pain. Then my kidney doctor told me that they were shitholes and that I wasn't going to be able to remain pregnant. I disagreed, listened to my heart again (or God!), and chose to continue my pregnancy.

After months of torture, you decided to join in on the fun with the kidneys and tried to reject my baby, the one you were housing. She apparently over-stayed her visit. But once again, my wonderful doctor was way smarter then you and we prevailed again!!!! Ha, Ha!

Finally, the time had come where my baby was going to leave her home, naked, covered in yuck. But then other parts of my body protested once again. Not only did the kidneys go haywire, but my hips decided that they didn't want to move over enough to let this 7lb, sticky child out! And my spine decided to reject any epidurals so my pain was enough to make me want to jump out of the 4story window. I was losing my mind! I had no sleep b/c Mr. & Mrs. Kidneys decided "Oh how fun is this.....let's party like rockstars so our host cries in pain all night long the night before she tries to push a watermelon with shoulders out of her girly hole!"

Finally, the wonderful doctor decided that you could all screw off and he cut open my stomach and pulled a pissed off sticky, stinky baby butt first out of my guts! It was fun! And there she was, covered in mucous, a head shaped like a cone screaming out words that we couldn't understand.

And then the doctors decided to kick "Mr and Mrs. Kidney's" asses and gave them some drugs to calm them down. And then they gave me some drugs too.....and life was so much better. I saw my baby girl, held her and fell madly in love with her.

I did great during my 5day stay in the hospital. Until the 4th day, when they took away my happy medicine, just like that. My mind decided that this would be a great day to give me a dose of depression. What a wonderful baby gift to give me!!!
After two weeks of crying every single moment of my life, my mind decided to be an Indian Giver and took back the depression. Life was great again......
I had a beautiful daughter (even though she had the ugliest case of cone head ever!) Then I met the man I knew I would spend the rest of my life with and he accepted my cone head baby like she was his from the beginning. What a wonderful life! Until the girly parts decided to become bitches again!!
Cue 7yrs later!!!
Thank you to Dr. Mabee, OBGYN who decided to win the war and rip out the bitches. And that he did. Those bitches are homeless in the trash now! Who's laughing now bitches, who's laughing now????????
Well, as much as my hatred burned through me, I must admit. I miss you at times. I miss having hormones as they are so important in the body. Because even though I don't have to by tampons or pads any longer, I now must deal with constant body aches, constant emotional disorders and numerous other things. It is bittersweet!!!!!!

But thank you for at least giving me my one love, my sweetie, my daughter. Thanks for housing her for the 9 months that you did and thanks for reconsidering kicking her out at 6months of living there. She was worth every single minute of pain and torture you pissypants gave me!!!!

*This is my version of my birth story! It is an ode to my girly parts! It's retarded I know, but hell, I have to always do things differently!!!!!!*
Miss Cone Head-2days old

Diva and Uncle Shane swimming in the pool.

Diva and friends forever!

Being a good girl and doing a wonderful job being a flowergirl!

Soccer girl....not sure what happened to this did it as it downloaded and I'm to lazy to do it over! :0)

Family Picture
Diva (sitting on the car) with my niece and nephew!
Thanks for reading my birth story.....if you made it!


A Buns Life said...

But what a sweet cone head she was!! And a lovely tribute to your long gone "girly parts". :)

I have finally posted my husband's tattoo pics up that you have been waiting for.....

The MomBabe said...

I want my girly parts ripped out... ♫pain, pain, go away♫

oh, and love the story.

Kathryn said...

Wow! What a story!
So glad you got rid of those damn girly parts that were causing you so much pain. Freaking bags!
And that is one cute cone-headed baby if I ever saw one!
Great story!

Kash said...

OMG, love your blog! I haven't have kids yet, but I imagine the same it with the same language and tone you write about...not fun or 'beautiful' as others say. I too have a disdainful relationship with my girly body tools.

ps your daughter is gorgeous!

FUN-ky Mama said...

What a great story! My son had that same sideways conehead. Lovely!!

Anonymous said...

This was hysterical!!! I love that you laugh at your reproductive organs!

April said...

What a CUUUUTE family portrait! Awww! And I love that your body cooperated with you finally and gave you such a special gift. :-)