Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Oh Happy Day!!!

My day....an ordinary day for a crack like me!!!

First I go to my hubby's work to do a few things. My friend texts hubby (because she is a texting freak!)

Friend: "How was your meetings last night?" (Hubby is doing a study for allergies as he has terrible allergies....as does Diva....so we are hoping for a cure all!)

Me: "Texting my hubby again, you texting whore!"

Friend: "Damn It! Use your own phone! Are you coming to apply at Target today, bitch face?" (typical for us to call each other names, in a playful manner of course and I have been needing in a bad way to get out of this house while Diva is in school b/c I am slowly dying of boredom!)

Me: "Bite me slut butt! Yes, I will finally come to apply! I'll see you soon!" (hell yeah, my favorite store in the universe and I can get a discount!)

Friend: "I will bite you if you want me too!!! Hurry up and get here!"

Me: "Why, so you can have text sex with my hubby?" (Kidding of course!)

Friend: "yes"

* I talk to hubby for 15 more minutes explaining to him why I want a job! He is supportive but hopes that it doesn't interfere with Diva!

Friend (texting again): "Is she there?"

Me: "Yes......I'm still here! You are so demanding!"

I leave my hubby's work, the whole time he's rolling his eyes seeing visions of Target going to hell with us two working together! While driving, "Shut up and drive" comes on the radio. It is 50 degrees here and I have hot flashes so my window was partly down. I turn the radio up and start jamming out! Singing as loud as I can, making up my own dance moves. What?? You didn't know I was a choreographer??? I am at a stop sign and slowly turn my head to see a gentlemen staring at me like I was a crack whore! I innocently smile, and roll up the tinted window.

Go to Target, pick on my friend and her gay friend that works there! Gay friend escorts me to the computer to put in my application. I lecture about safe sex and why it is so important during our stroll! He laughs at me, of course, used to me being a "mom!"

Get a job at Target that is flexible with Diva's schedule! Well, I have the job pending a drug test! Soooooo.......I go take the piss test. Have you ever done this??? You have to pee in a cup, cannot flush and cannot wash your hands until the nurse re-enters the bathroom. Okay, I have to piss like a horse and have to aim the stream into a cup! Of course, I piss all over my hand. Use toilet paper to wipe up my hands, the cup and the floor! Don't ask!!!!

Do you know how gross it is to piss on your hand, use only toilet paper to wipe up the urine, pull up your pants and open the door. Opening up the door knowing that other people have peed on their hands as well and was forbidden to wash their hands too. So, I'm touching other peoples pee as well. Now I'm gagging. The nurse comes in, removes the blue tape that permits you from washing or flushing and unlocks the cabinet that holds the soap! The entire time, I am standing there dripping with urine! OMG!

I'm sure I passed the test as I have never done a drug a day in my life so I find this ordeal pointless!!! Damn it!

Now I'm home and have to vacuum and clean up a massive amount of dog hair b/c my dog's obviously had a party while we were gone. Oh, and apparently one of them partied so hard it made them have to shit downstairs. What a couple of asses!!!!! They are on my list!!!

I'll be by later to visit some blogs! For now, I need to clean up hairy shit!!!
Oh Happy Day!!! :-)


Brittany said...

So...how sure are you that you're going to pass this drug test? I'm not so sure?! ;)

Target. mmm...Discount...mmm... I'd be in trouble. lol

The MomBabe said...

ahhh, drug testing. So glad I don't have to do that ever again... I hope.☻

FUN-ky Mama said...

Congrats on the new job!

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Hairy shit is the best kind of shit isnt't it? YUCKO!!

Love the relationship you have with your friend!

Good luck with the new job.

Hallie :)

Mama Zen said...

Congratulations on the new job!

Piss tests are the worst! The last time that I had to take one, the nurse actually watched me. I didn't think that I would ever be able to pee!

LunaNik said...

One of the reasons I hated going to my doctor's appts while pregnant was the whole pee in a cup thing. Yep, you always do seem to pee on yourself...but at least I got to wash up right away. Having to wait for permission from the nurse...eeewww!!

noble pig said...

Ha! If I worked at Target I would spend all my money there and then justify it because I got a discount. I'm pathetic that way.

Kathryn said...

Oh how I love Target! Congrats on your new job!
I hope you have washed your hands by now. ;0

N said...

Wow, a job--have fun with that!

Huckdoll said...

Congrats, Krissy! I'm beyond jealous that you got a job at Target! I would loooove to get a part-time job in retail or food service, but Baby Daddy's hours are too crazy. Way to go!