And just like that....

Life starts to make me shake my head in disgust again.

My beautiful friend, whom I love and adore, had some terrible news to tell me today. Her middle son, who is a young teenager, has a golfball sized tumor on his brain.

For now, there is no word on if it is cancerous. He had a major seizure last week which triggered the tests to determine the tumor. If he has another seizure, they are concerned his precious heart will not take it well. Friday is a trip to the specialist and from what we understand, a biopsy will be done to determine rather or not it is....the ugliest word I know, cancer.

I don't even know what else to say right now. I don't have an answer and all I could say to her sweet voice as it was cracking with pain, is "I'm praying." I'm planning on spending some time with her this weekend. Just supporting her.

I could vomit by just thinking of her pain. Her fears. Her heartache. I hate thinking about it. I'm scared it will be me in that position some day. I know, I cannot think that way but I do. I cannot stop. And I don't want her hurting this way either. I want her to be okay. I want her son to be okay.

And if that isn't enough, her son is scared. He has fears. He doesn't understand. He shouldn't have to understand. Why? Why? This boy is a sweet, big hearted soul. Why?????

My heart. It hurts. I cannot stop thinking about him. About his fears. His mother doesn't want him to sleep alone afraid that he will have another seizure. It's pathetic. It's disgusting. It's wrong. I cannot get the words out that I want to. Ugh.

And then my daughter is getting bullied. Like in her face bullied. And I tried to help the situation and probably made it worse. I don't want to get into it because I can barely see through my tears however, it just sucks that I cannot do anything right tonight. Trust me. I am doing nothing right. Piss.Piss.Piss.

I know that my life isn't terrible. I have a modest home, money in the bank some, a healthy family and great friends. I know this. But I still feel beat up lately. Honestly, it hasn't been all peaches and cream for us in the last few years. And I feel guilty because I get pissed that we cannot have good luck for more then a freaking week.

I'm sorry. I'm just pissed. I am all out pissed off. And my words are stupid and probably don't make much sense but I am going to hit publish and then go cry for awhile anyway.

I write this post to once again, come here for prayers. Not for me. I will be okay once I get my shit pulled together. But please, pray for my friend and her son. They are hurting. Actually, pray for the whole family because she has other kids that are scared too. And you could say a pray for my daughter for having a dumbass mom like myself. *wink*