Saturday, January 17, 2009

Punch lines to Avoid a Punch.

CNN reported 10 things to say to avoid a fight. I laughed my ass off. Some people are so damn naive or have not been in a relationship for a good amount of time. Or maybe I'm just hard to please. The later is plausible.

1. "Thank you for your opinion, I will think about it."

Holy hell. I could see my husband telling me that we cannot afford a lavish vacation to Venice, Italy. And I could totally see me saying:
"Thank you for your opinion, I will think about it" as I am packing my bags and leaving on a jet plane. Fail.

2. "Is this a good time?"

Instinctively when someone says this to me my brain goes into super-drive making up excuses as to why it isn't a good time. I'm no brain however, I do know that after these 5 words comes bad news of some sort. So. It is never a good time. Thank you very much.

3. "Would you like my thoughts?"

The answer will be "NO", I don't want your thoughts. Thoughts and opinions are like assholes, everyone has them.

4. "Why don't we get the facts?"

Facts? Facts? FACTS? I'm not a planner nor do I need facts to make improv decisions. Finding facts are a big waste of my time. I go by gut instinct, which is why I have bad luck more then good luck. I could see my husband asking me if he can go ice fishing though and me responding back:
"Umm....why don't we get some facts about ice fishing before you go, Mkay?"
I could see my husband kicking my ass to the curb too.

5. "I need your help, can you please....?"

I'm used to this one. I'm convinced my family couldn't survive a single second without the help from me. I see wiping my husbands ass in the near future. They are immune to doing anything for themselves. They are hemorrhoids on my ass. But Gosh do I love those festered up boils.

6. "What did you mean by that?"

I'm sure CNN meant this to be said in a subtle, non-confrontational way. However, if I say that to my husband, each word is exaggerated out. "Whatttt diddd youuuu meeannn byyyy THATTT?" And then my husband intuitively runs out of the house yelling: "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that. I'm" Well. SortaKinda I suppose. But he does know that there is a storm coming when I say those words.

7. "I don't like that, so why don't we do this instead."

This would be a disaster in this house. What a joke. Instead we say things like "No. That is not the final answer." and "Why don't I get a say in this." and "Damn it. This is what we are doing so shut the hell up already."

We are a dysfunctional family obviously.

8. "I'm sorry your upset."

In my abode, this is usually followed by a big ole "BUT" or "However". We don't stop at "I'm sorry your upset." and the sentence is usually "I'm sorry your upset but get over it."

We fight for the last word around here.

9. "Let's wait on this until we have more information."

Me: "Dear, did you leave the milk out all night?"

Hubby: "let's wait on this until we have more information."

Drive to ER to remove the shoe from his ass.

10. "Let me get back to you"

Me: "Can you take the garbage out?"

Hubby. "let me get back to you."

Start making the arrangements for his funeral.

I'm aware that these could work in a normal classy family. We are not that family. In this household, we have a menopausal mom, a pre-hormonal daughter and a PMS'ing husband. We also have to demonic dogs. I'm OCD, my daughter is OCD times four and my husband is a procrastinator. I like things clean, my husband is messy and my daughter is a filthy pig. And my demonic dogs shed.

Yet. We are a strong, supportive, well-balanced family. I know. Odd? We are blessed. We have Faith. We have love. We are a family that is a bit dysfunctional and a whole lot of weirdness yet we laugh constantly. We are a family. And maybe tomorrow I will give you some of my wicked, sadistic, mean vindictive ideals to become one with me. Or not. Too many of me can just be difficult. Right?

1 comment:

Mike Golch said...

you sow me a family that says the are perfectly normal,ans I sow you that they are lying to themselves.