Friday, January 23, 2009

I hope this doesn't give you nightmares.

Because my words have escaped me these last few days and my brains only function right now is to bring me grief and worry, I thought I would give you tid bits of me.

1. I'm not a jealous person at all. My husband can enter a strip club and he need not worry about his wife getting all green-eyed monster on him. Usually, I enter the strip club with him and have sat in sniffers row.

*note. Before the judgements are ruled and rumors fly....I am the furthest thing from a lesbian. I could vomit in your lap just thinking of that. Because I am damn sure of my sexuality it doesn't bother me to give a naked chick a few bucks. She's probably just trying to feed her babies. And if I had a body to make some money instead of making some puke, I would have sex with a pole too.

2. Once upon a time, a bunch of my best girls and all of our tag along husbands entered a strip club. The ladies paid me because my boobs are homegrown. And they liked them a lot. I scored $40 without ever showing off my Buddhas. Sweeettt.

3. This has backfired too. The same night, a working girl who was clearly into S&M attacked me and showed me who was in charge. She spanked my butt so hard that I had hand prints the next day. The entire bar was screaming and laughing at my agony. She paid me $10 of the $40 dollars. I think she felt bad.

4. I was the maid of honor in my girl friends wedding. For her bachelorette party, we did a scavenger hunt. She was hesitant to do some of the challenges so I took over. One of the goals was to swindle $50 off of men only. I made her over $150 that night. I was empowered and decided to go for broke after the $50 came from one man. Men are so stupid. And I didn't have to take off my shirt once. BooRah! nevermind the fact that the men would have paid more to keep my clothes on

5. My sister and mom are constantly on the Weight Watchers diet. My sis lost over 100lbs. She is sexy and svelte now. This pisses her older sister off. So. When I bring dishes for holidays, I promise them that I made it with all low fat ingredients. I really do not. Mwahahahaha.

6. Drama, Trauma and crap is attracted to me. I'm like glue. This is why friends call me "Black Cloud Krissy". It's not original, but it is sadly very true.

7. I inherited my gift of laughter from my parents. And they taught me to have fun. I remember growing up we had the most amazing pool parties. My parents had/have a ton of friends and pretty much are loved by all that meet them. I did not inherit that. I have enemies. However, the enemies make me laugh and I love it when people hate me. Their loss.

8. Did you know that South Dakota has Cobra's? I kid you not. I have seen these snakes along with Boa Constrictors and Anaconda's. They reside in my back yard. My husband calls them Gardner Snakes however, he hasn't seen the beasts that taunt me.

9. I am a bonafide KLUTZ. Ask my long time friends, their parents, their siblings, my parents, my sister, my neighbors, anyone. I am the family klutz. Yet. I have never broken a bone. Knock on some damn wood already.

10. The person you have known to lovehate on this blog is exactly the person you would meet in person. I don't pretend to be something I am not. I am a loon. I am crazy. I am all of the above. I do fear that if I met my blog friends in person that you would be highly disappointed though. It's an insecurity I carry.

Happy Weekend Friends.

4 comments:

Kat said...

You are one crazy gal, but I never doubted that for a second! ;)
Hang in there!

Momisodes said...

I carry the same insecurity you have in #10. One of the many reasons why I haven't signed up for BlogHer yet.

Perhaps we're neighbors and don't know it! I have that same black cloud hovering over here as well.

p.s. I TOTALLY should have invited you to my wedding :)

Tara R. said...

I so much want to meet all of my bloggy friends, but I too worry that I'll be a disappointment. Still, if we did ever meet, we would have a blast.

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