Sunday, January 11, 2009

Why am I so irrisistable to women?

Now. Before I get an angry lesbian blasting my blog for being discriminating, I do not care if you are gay or not. It doesn't bother me one bit. It's your crotch. I have friends that are gay and just because I am not doesn't mean that I judge you. Again. It's your woo-hoo. I don't care what you do with it as you don't care what I do with mine. And calling you a lesbian does not mean that I am discriminating against you or labeling you. So. Don't jump on soap boxes here. I also don't like men that have blond hair. I like the dark haired mystery men. I prefer Chase Crawford over Brad Pitt. So. This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me because it is my bloggity-blog-blog dawg. Snoop out. Okay. I'll stop acting like a low paid rapper now. Sorry for that. On with my post, shall we?????

Hokey Dokey. Let's talk.

I like it when men find me attractive. Mainly because I can rub it in my husbands face when he pisses me off. It's ammunition. But also because I feel sexy and feel like I still have the stuff. Well. I do have the stuff but it is entirely the wrong kinda stuff I would like to have. Did that make sense? Probably not. I had wine tonight.

And although I don't like to toot my own horn yeah right. "toot.toot." I do have some attractive men or men with more then 1 tooth who make google eyes at me sometimes it is because they have a lazy eye.

But far to many times it is gay women who are mesmerised by my beauty. Or maybe they just think I am really kinky cuz I am. Regardless. I get hit on by the same sex often. And sometimes it has caused trauma.

I know you are in suspense right now so I will tell the story.

There is a nasty whore chick in my town that has stuck her vulgar tongue in my ear (which I later washed out with bleach) and whispered how much she wanted to "do" me. I puked just writing that. Gag.

I told her get the fuck away from me before I strangle you with your crab infested tongue politely to "get the fuck away from me before I strangle you with your crab infested tongue." (please don't report me for cussing.) and went home to bleach my ear.

Did I mention that she was intoxicated because she is a foul mouthed drunk?

Sometime at a later date, the bag of vomit was at the bar again when my husband and I were there hanging with friends. I tried to hide from her. I did. I pleaded with my posse to leave and go somewhere where her crabs couldn't jump and catch us. They ignored my pleas. Apparently, they don't care about herpes infested crabs jumping on them, but I do!

Later in the night, she spied me. And she came running at mock speed to wrap her herped arms around me. And as she was coming at me, she hit me in the nose and I was bleeding all over my new shirt. Needless to say, I was furious.

Long story short. My husband and friend did my dirty work and pushed her drunk, VD'ed ass out the door. I fixed my nose and drank a shit load more. And the hooker went home.

But honestly. I get hit on more by girls then guys. I admit. When I am out with my girls we tend to look a little lesbianish. We kiss and hug and get all girly with squeals and tears and act like a bunch of mushy.....well....girls. And I don't care what people think because they are my girls. Like sisters. And I love them in a non-lover way. And I admit. I sometimes feel flattered because women want me (nah,nah,nah. Girls find me hot. Envy me yet?). I really do. But I would feel a whole lot better if the opposite sex wanted to rub my boobs too.

Anyone else have this problem? Hahaha. Like somebody is going to say "yes". Damn it.

I have now had 3 glasses of wine oh yeah baby.....3 whole glasses and I am plastered ass drunk and the liquid courage to post this post (I am a poet and didn't know it.). I fear the soap box jumpers as I can just hear how I judged gay people but seriously, I didn't. I didn't. I really, really don't care what you preference is. Mine is Freddie Prince Jr. I know he is a washed up wannabe actor but I think he is hot. I think blonde's are not (there's that poet thing again. damn I'm good.). I did however judge the drunk hooker. She is not a good person though so it is alright to judge her. Okay. I'm done. Toodles.


I understand the Youtube videos now but I still have a generic piss of crap blog and would love some bling to it. Please.Please.Please. Pity me. Help me. Please?!


Patois said...

No one hits on me, gay or not. Except my husband. And that's okay by me if it means I don't have an encounter such as you described.

Kel said...

Being hit on is an odd used to hit on me (now, not nearly as often) women used to NEVER hit on me (now, every once in a blue moon). I'm starting to feel kind of like a I smell? I mean I took a shower...maybe it's my bitchy attitude, nah...after a few drinks I LOVE EVERYONE!!

Oh well...I guess I'm doomed to stay with the hubby forever!! hahaha

Tara R. said...

I got nothing too. If it weren't for Hubs I'd get no attention at all.

sltbee69 said...

I totally get you on this. I rarely to never get hit on by a sexy man. On the rare occasion it does happen - it's of the snaggled-toothed or old man variety.

DysFUNctional Mom said...

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