Tuesday, January 13, 2009

And now.....Fast, Easy and sometimes cheap wisdom from me.

I have become a champion of finding the easiest, fastest and sometimes cheapest cleaning solutions. After all my years all 34.5 years of cleaning, I have searched the web, watched my favorite shows, read magazine articles and just pulled some shit out of my ass for a lazy busy mom like myself. Behold my madness.

First of all....my favorite show is "How Clean is Your House?" on BBC. With sassy hosts like Kim and Aggie, how couldn't you love this show. And I love it when they rip into filthy people and make them feel like lazy losers. My favorite part of the show.

Love those clean freaks. I want to do a segment on our local stations and I want to be the host. I could give Kim and Aggie a run for their mops.

Anyway. Here we go.

Leather furniture. Did you know that your leather furniture is alive? Seriously. It needs to breath and it needs food. So. To make that sofa happy and well, mix some vinegar (will tackle the grease and dead cells your skin leaves behind) and olive oil. Not a lot. Rub down the furniture and then buff the hell out of it with a dry cloth or paper towel. Taa-Daa. You just fed and cleaned your leather. The olive oil shines and feeds the leather. Make sure you test it in a un-seen spot first. For a quick wipe, use a facial cloth on it. Another method? Sure. Use a regular bar of soap. Rub some soup on a wet rag, wash the couch and wipe off the residue. Brilliant.

Speaking of facial clothes (anything you use to clean your face), use those babies to wipe down your keyboard, piano keys, phones, or remote controls. If it is good enough to wash your beautiful face, it will not harm these things. It's shear genius I tell you.

Salt. Just regular old salt that you cook with. It is a mild abrasive yet it isn't strong enough to scratch surfaces. So. For that nasty ring around the tub. Put some salt on a nylon bristle brush and scrub away. You don't have to worry about nasty fumes that make you high (unless that is the highlight of your day, then you can get high on your cleaning fumes all you want.) and you don't have to worry about mixing cleaning products that cause you and your family to evacuate the house. Also. Use a bar of soap to scrub the area. Wrap a washcloth around the soap for a better grip, and wipe away. Do this why you are taking a shower and belting out off key "Eye of the Tiger".

Note: Shaving cream is a condensed soap. It is also great to clean with and usually smells nice.

Hardwood floors can be a pain in the buttock. They always streak, right? Not anymore. Use vinegar and a dry mop. And because I hurl at the smell of vinegar, I use apple cedar vinegar or just regular vinegar with lemon juice. It still smells a bit, but it doesn't last for long. And your floors are streak free. If your family walks all over the floor after you slaved on your hands and knees, stick the dry mop up their asses.

Nasty crusted microwaves. Easy as pie. Put a glass of warm water with lemon juice in it for a few minutes. Let it boil. Remove the cup and immediately wipe down. The gunk should be soft enough to just wipe it clean and the lemon juice made it smell clean. Then advise family that if they don't start covering up their food or wiping it down after an accident you will start their prized possessions on fire.

Mirrors suck. I hate wiping them and windows down. Streak, streak, streak. I admit, I use Windex. But there are some eco-friendly people who would rather not use that. So. Use water, vinegar and newspaper. Done.

Hint: Put a drop of your favorite fragrance on light bulbs (just a dab) and when you turn on the light, you will soon be soothed by the pretty smells.

Laundry detergent, rather powder or liquid, is a great alternative to harsh cleaning products. Use it to clean the poop smears from the toilet bowl or to actually clean the washer and dryer. And if your dogs pee on the carpet, use warm water with a few drops of laundry detergent and scrub down the carpet. It will deodorize plus clean. And then rub the husbands...I mean dogs noses in it.

Use plastic shoe holders to organize bathroom accessories. You can put makeup, lotions, soaps, sex toys, whatever you want in there. Hey. I don't judge your life. Sex toys could double as back massages. At least that is what you can tell the kids or in-laws.

Are you closets a disaster? Do you worry about a concussion every time you open the door?

Well...So do I. So ask someone else for that advice. My closets could harbor Jimmy Hoffa's body. I wouldn't know if it did.

Hint: Use a wet sock over a broom handle to remove spider webs or dust bunnies hanging off of the ceiling.

Okay-Dokie. Happy Cleaning friends. And remember, you got this information from Krissy, super cleaning machine.

(and for your viewing pleasure, another hog-o-riffic picture of me.)

The End.

1 comment:

Brittany said...

Ok...so the microwave idea is NOT working on my microwave. My microwave is driving me CRAZY. I cannot get this thing clean. Any other ideas?

I love cleaning. I mean, really love it. I love seeing the end result. That, and it's fun... ok... not really...but it lets off energy, which can be good for me, sometimes!