Saturday, January 10, 2009

Why? What? Why?

What the hell did I do to ruin my child. No. Why the hell did I torment my child when she was younger? I'm such a screw up. Seriously.

There is no way to say this without you thinking I am a crack head. But I have so much guilt and quite honestly, I could spit the fillings right out of my teeth right now.

When my daughter was about 4yrs old, she was being Satan's spawn a terror . I'm talking mouthy, whiny, crabby...just complete hell. And it was bedtime. And I was working full time and my husband was gone for the evening.

And no matter how many excuses I give you, you will still consider me a pile of shit.

I was dead on my feet tired. So. After pleading with my daughter to go to bed, I finally blew a gasket. And because she was afraid of alligators, I told her that I was going to go buy an alligator and put it in her room if she didn't go to sleep.

Five whole minutes later, the snot was snoring away. And I had an epiphany. Every.single.time that she struggled with me for slumber, I threw the "alligator" card at her.

And before you throw stones. Let me tell you this. Karma pissed in my cereal. Because at 11yrs old, the child is scared by her own reflection in the mirror.

Did you know that other children her age are already babysitting? Now I will admit. I am not that kind of mom. I could NOT allow my 5th grader to babysit. Yes. I maybe sheltering her. But I'm surprised that she can wipe her own ass. She is not a mature 11yr old by any means.

However, I do think that the child should be able to stay at home, with a friend, while I run errands in the same small town we live in or meet some friends for a beer.

Tonight her friend is spending the night and they begged for me and hubs to leave for awhile. Suspicious? Yes. I was. But we figured we had to let go sometime or another. So. We went to have a cocktail or 5 . I laid down the law. No calling boys. No making a mess. No cooking. And I dished out consequences too. Me and hubs left the house feeling very uneasy as we anticipated the phone calls.

It wasn't 10minutes later, my cell phone rings. It's her telling me that she heard a funny noise. Uh-Huh. Okay. I calmed her nerves, told her to buck up and sipped my cold beverage some more.

The next phone call was more dramatic.

"Mom. We are scared. We are standing on the counter because we are afraid there is somebody in the house."

Please remember that we have 2 big dogs that are extremely over-protective that live indoors. This wasn't any help. I again told her to settle down, to get off the damn counter and to play the Wii.

And then I get the mother of all phone calls. {insert a hysterical girl here.}

"Mom. Come home quick. I cut myself bad and I am bleeding all over the place. We were scared so I was carrying a knife and it cut me. Come home NOW!"

I scurried home feeling like shit and was home under a minute. I busted through the door at mock speed just in time to see a freaking cut the size of a pubic hair and small amounts of blood. Seriously, I have had more blood when I popped a zit. Curse this child.

Needless to say. I left my hubs with the friends as he was ready to ground the daughter until she was 15yrs old and I put on my PJ's, made the girls go to bed early and cracked open a brewski.

Tomorrow we are going to recount the events leading up to her brain fart. Seriously. A knife???? She soooo knew better then this. And may I add that she will NOT have her cell phone back until I see that she matures.

Do you think the alligator trick will work again? Nah. Best to leave that ship sunk.

I do understand why some animals eat their young though. It's a good thing she's cute.



Tara R. said...

Hmmm... I haven't tried the alligator trick, and we actually have alligators! Repeat... 'I am not a bad momma!' Do it..

I let my girl do things on her own at age 11 that I still won't let my 15yo do. I also get 'eating your young' too. *snort*

Glad your girl was okay.. albeit a bit scared.

Patois said...

I'm just grateful she didn't say an alligator had eaten her arm off.

DysFUNctional Mom said...

I thought the alligator trick was brilliant!