A letter to a pre-teen daughter.....

Dear Daughter....

You are such a darling little thing. I love your zest for life. Your flare of living. Your appetite for fun. I love that you are so loving. I love that when I am down, you furnish me with hugs, kisses, "I love yous", and back rubs (if I'm really down!) I love how deeply you care for others. Your passion for happiness. I love so many things about you that I cannot name them all. You are a special child, one of the best I know. You are so greatly loved by so many. Actually, everyone you meet loves you. You have bestowed the hearts of many people. And this is because you are the best you can be.

But my darling pre-teen daughter. There are things to discuss. There are matters at which we need to work on. For example......mooning me in the middle of the day where others can see your snow white butt is a issue we need to work on. And the pouting......Oh Lord the pouting. I cannot express to you enough how your pouting and whining make me want to turn your pale butt into a blistering mess. Every day.....every.single.day I deal with melt downs, pouting, whining, using your ugly voice to get my attention. The constant pleading after I have told you "no" a gazillion times is becoming a setback to your sweet demeanour. And my dear child.....you are forcing me to go ballistic on your cute butt.

It is now summertime and I do not get the much needed break of school that has giving me so much patience before. Now, I deal with the constant bickering all.day.long. Even though you are a terrific student and blessed with intelligence, I am considering signing you up for summer school. Let this be your warning. I've even contacted the army to see if they need some sort of help for your age.

And feeding the dogs once in one week and making your bed once in 2 weeks does not constitute you getting an allowance. Cleaning the bathrooms, which is on your chore list, is yet to be done. So, when you whine and cry to me that you haven't received a penny for your "chores" makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs because I don't think you are using your intelligence in a good way. I think you are being mighty greedy. This calls for immediate attention and I think you will be grounded until you are old enough to vote.

But I love you.....with every single cell in my body. I love you and would do anything for you. I love to see you smile....so many times I give in and buy you a Webkinz because I love your smile. So, I can see that I am partly to blame for your "only child syndrome". But I am still your mom and I can make life a miserable mess for you if you don't straighten up and do as I say, when I say it. If you don't like it...too damn bad because you have no other choice.

And as much as I hate to sound old school and like my own mother.....I really do wish someday you bless me with a grandchild that acts just like you.......my sweetness.

Good luck in the future. If this is just pre-teen syndrome........I am really worried about the teen years. Just remember....I believe in spanking and I don't care how old you are. My mom slapped me one time in the mouth when I was 17yrs old for being a royal brat and I never did it again. Because at that time I realized that my mom could whoop my ass. And I am doing yoga so I could seriously kick some butt. Keep this in mind for future use.

Dad is looking for a chastity belt. He is determined to find one and has also decided on the best security system in the world. You will never be able to sneak out of this house because he has a philosophy and this house will be booby trapped. And I know all your friends parents....and the holy grail will be passed on to them as well. So, you are screwed.

I am very open to many things. I let you listen to Flo Rida and I have danced with you to Usher. I don't guard you with life issues and I don't put you in a bubble. I don't have tunnel vision so I think we can come to a compromise most of the time. But always remember that I am the boss. I have rank over your dad. I have rank over your friends. I have rank over anything that has to do with you and your future. Write this down.

I love you my little stink. You rule as a Diva, but you have much to learn to be a firecracker. So, game on! Think of me as Yoda.......because I am so wise and can use the force if the time calls for it.

After taking you to the mall today with your friend whom I adore and love like my own child, I considered selling you both on the black market. You are treading in deep waters. You better swim back to shore before your menopausal mother goes ape shit on you. Write that down too and give a copy to your friends.

Much love you rotten little cutie........

Your "almost in a white jacket" mother who is losing her hair because of you.........

P.S. I know you never want a brother or sister. You have voiced this to me several times. But I am so vindictive that I will adopt a small child to mess your room up and irritate you beyond belief. This is a threat.......take it or leave it.