Tuesday, May 13, 2008

They're back.........

It's that time of the year again. It's the time of year where the snakes are out of hibernation. They are back haunting me. Invading my dreams turning them into nightmares. They are here to stay. And I hate them. I am scared out of my mind. I constantly check where I am walking, never walk in tall grass and know when to not go outside because they will most likely be there.
So I thought I would share a couple of snake stories of mine.

Last year, my hubby and I went on a motorcycle ride with my parents. We headed over to the Palisades. It is a beautiful sight to see. It is so pretty and it is where Jesse James jumped a ravine to get away from the law. It has huge, beautiful cliffs. You can hike on paths that lead down to the river. I know there are snakes there. I have seen them. Last year I accompanied my daughter on their end of the school year event. We hiked and learned about the land. All the while I was searching for snakes. On the way up, just as I was about to take a step, Diva yelled "Mom, look out! Snake!" I looked down in time to see a Bull Snake. A freaking huge one no less. When a Bull Snake gets startled, it rattles it's tail like a poisonous Rattle Snake. I shit myself. I pushed children out of my way, screaming like a virgin on her first night. I almost pushed kids off the cliffs. I couldn't think of anything else but to save myself and my child, whom was getting dragged behind me. Other parents started laughing. Some know of my fear. They laughed so hard one almost pissed her pants. I was in tears. The teacher kindly told me that it wasn't a Rattle Snake (I was screaming "Rattle Snake, Rattle Snake!" while running.) I didn't care. It was a snake. To me, it was a flipping Cobra!!! After that, parents and children taunted me. Throwing sticks at me yelling "Snake!" and then laughing when I went into convulsions. So rude.

I digressed though. So, my hubby, I and my parents hiked this walk. I was petrified. I knew that if there was a snake, my mean ass husband would pick it up and tease me with it. I knew it wouldn't be my parents, because both of them are scared of snakes too. So, I threatened bodily harm to my husband. I threatened to no sex ever again if he scares me with a snake. I meant it. He didn't care. He found a snake alright. It was a harmless Gardner Snake but I didn't give a shit. Me and my mom screamed and started running back up the slippery rocks and the steep hills. My mom got in my way. I pushed her aside and yelled "Get the hell back Old Lady!" I have no shame.

My dad and husband laughed their asses off. They were in tears. My dad was worried that someone called the cops thinking we were being murdered. If the cops would have showed up, I would have lied and told them that they were indeed trying to harm us and sent their asses to jail. I'm not even kidding. I was pissed. And I pissed myself. I had to ride all the way home with a wet spot between my legs. It was so NOT funny.
My daughter is not scared of snakes. She carried a freaking huge ass snake home from the park, wanting it for a pet. I politely screamed from the porch to take that sucker back to the park. She laughed and laughed along with her punk friends. Oh, it was so comical to them. Brats!

I honestly have a huge fear of snakes. A fear like no other. I envision one getting into the house. What would I do? My neighbors are no help. They have seen me yelling obscenities from the yard and screaming bloody murder after seeing a snake. They laugh. Or they are just as scared and run inside locking the doors behind them. They are worthless. Diva and hubby would tease me with them and my parents live too far away. My sister is just as scared, so she would maybe call the cops for me, telling them I was being raped or something. But that's about it. I am alone in my fear.

And then my friend from Texas, the redneck, hunts Rattle Snakes. Is this not the stupidest, most redneck thing you have ever heard???? He sends me pictures, and I puke. What a dumb asshole. Really. I will leave you with the picture of my redneck friend. Proof that he is in fact, that stupid.


tattooed mama said...

punk friends...ha! your diva must have told you that my little punk was talking to her on the bus and figured out that we were friends!
i also have seen the snakes. one of them followed me INTO the shop at work last week, yes, INTO the building! now i can't leave my freakin door open anymore 'cause im scared. and...like your hubby, my shit-head little brother grabbed it and chased my sis and i around the shop with it. gross!

Michelle said...

I share your fear (and I grew up on a farm). I don't find it funny, and I will KILL if you decide to tease me. They haunt me - in my dreams.
I cannot watch a TV show that has them on -ick!
Snakes and Spiders will send me screaming like a child. I too would have pushed my mother out of the way - no shame.

April said...

Snakes aren't my favorite but I'm not freaked out by them...my Big D on the other hand IS...I had a friend's baby pet snake curled up in a ball in my hand once and went to show Big D and I thought for sure that he was going to piss himself. He ran screaming off the back porch like a little girl and oh, how I laughed at him!

Now, mind you, if I see a spider I'M the one who shrieks like a little girl and runs for the hills!

Kori said...

Snakes sooooo give me the heebee geebee's. I totally feel your pain about the tormenting. The boys are all about Snakes, lizards and anything else that is creepy crawly.

Mike Golch said...

Lions and tigers and Snakes Oh my.
Sorry just had to swipe that from the wizzard of oz.

Tara R. said...

I've never had a problem with snakes... spider yes, snakes no. EEEwwww

OHmommy said...

Dude... all snakes are cobras to me too!


BTW. You are a good friend for not commenting on his shorts. LMAO!

DysFUNctional Mom said...

I share your fear. My hubby knows better than to try to scare me with them. That and I think he's pretty scared of them, too.
My thoughts on snakes are, sure, some aren't poisonous, but they're all deadly to ME because I will kill myself or have a heart attack trying to get away from them!

DysFUNctional Mom said...

I share your fear. My hubby knows better than to try to scare me with them. That and I think he's pretty scared of them, too.
My thoughts on snakes are, sure, some aren't poisonous, but they're all deadly to ME because I will kill myself or have a heart attack trying to get away from them!

Sandy C. said...

Oh I'm right there with you on this fear....along with spiders, roaches, mice, rats..etc.

ROFL at "the stupidest, most redneck thing.." You crack me up :)

LaskiGal said...

Poor hubby freaked out when he saw a snake in our front yard. It was under a pale with water and grass. I put it there. I picked it up. AND. PUT. IT. THERE.

His reaction . . . priceless.


I'll scan pictures of the one that "attacked" our house.

Brittany said...

OHHHHH my word. OHHH my gosh. I hate snakes! We have harmless little garden snakes, in our backyard... and I still run screaming from them! EEK!

Anonymous said...

I take offense to making fun of Texans as rednecks. Honestly, most hunters will take out a few rattlers. They, apparently, have great meat. I will not eat food from hunted things, but taking out a few snakes? All power to those people.

Motherhood for Dummies said...

ohhhh snakes. I don't think i could go any where near one....well maybe to kill it. But .. um... no. Ohh I dont' get scared by much, but snakes and scorpians are the two that are tooo much for me

LunaNik said...

Listen, girlfriend, I would be crying and screaming and running along side ya. I don't have a great fear of the slithering creatures, but I sure as hell don't have any love for them either.

Bronnie said...

I share your fear of snakes (and I'm irrationaly scar of lizards too. Now my kids get great delight in coming into the house holding up rubber snakes towards me, or putting them on the ground in my path. The other day, I ran screaming from the house while they both cracked up laughing. Little monsters!