They're back.........

It's that time of the year again. It's the time of year where the snakes are out of hibernation. They are back haunting me. Invading my dreams turning them into nightmares. They are here to stay. And I hate them. I am scared out of my mind. I constantly check where I am walking, never walk in tall grass and know when to not go outside because they will most likely be there.

So I thought I would share a couple of snake stories of mine.

Last year, my hubby and I went on a motorcycle ride with my parents. We headed over to the Palisades. It is a beautiful sight to see. It is so pretty and it is where Jesse James jumped a ravine to get away from the law. It has huge, beautiful cliffs. You can hike on paths that lead down to the river. I know there are snakes there. I have seen them. Last year I accompanied my daughter on their end of the school year event. We hiked and learned about the land. All the while I was searching for snakes. On the way up, just as I was about to take a step, Diva yelled "Mom, look out! Snake!" I looked down in time to see a Bull Snake. A freaking huge one no less. When a Bull Snake gets startled, it rattles it's tail like a poisonous Rattle Snake. I shit myself. I pushed children out of my way, screaming like a virgin on her first night. I almost pushed kids off the cliffs. I couldn't think of anything else but to save myself and my child, whom was getting dragged behind me. Other parents started laughing. Some know of my fear. They laughed so hard one almost pissed her pants. I was in tears. The teacher kindly told me that it wasn't a Rattle Snake (I was screaming "Rattle Snake, Rattle Snake!" while running.) I didn't care. It was a snake. To me, it was a flipping Cobra!!! After that, parents and children taunted me. Throwing sticks at me yelling "Snake!" and then laughing when I went into convulsions. So rude.

I digressed though. So, my hubby, I and my parents hiked this walk. I was petrified. I knew that if there was a snake, my mean ass husband would pick it up and tease me with it. I knew it wouldn't be my parents, because both of them are scared of snakes too. So, I threatened bodily harm to my husband. I threatened to no sex ever again if he scares me with a snake. I meant it. He didn't care. He found a snake alright. It was a harmless Gardner Snake but I didn't give a shit. Me and my mom screamed and started running back up the slippery rocks and the steep hills. My mom got in my way. I pushed her aside and yelled "Get the hell back Old Lady!" I have no shame.

My dad and husband laughed their asses off. They were in tears. My dad was worried that someone called the cops thinking we were being murdered. If the cops would have showed up, I would have lied and told them that they were indeed trying to harm us and sent their asses to jail. I'm not even kidding. I was pissed. And I pissed myself. I had to ride all the way home with a wet spot between my legs. It was so NOT funny.

My daughter is not scared of snakes. She carried a freaking huge ass snake home from the park, wanting it for a pet. I politely screamed from the porch to take that sucker back to the park. She laughed and laughed along with her punk friends. Oh, it was so comical to them. Brats!

I honestly have a huge fear of snakes. A fear like no other. I envision one getting into the house. What would I do? My neighbors are no help. They have seen me yelling obscenities from the yard and screaming bloody murder after seeing a snake. They laugh. Or they are just as scared and run inside locking the doors behind them. They are worthless. Diva and hubby would tease me with them and my parents live too far away. My sister is just as scared, so she would maybe call the cops for me, telling them I was being raped or something. But that's about it. I am alone in my fear.

And then my friend from Texas, the redneck, hunts Rattle Snakes. Is this not the stupidest, most redneck thing you have ever heard???? He sends me pictures, and I puke. What a dumb asshole. Really. I will leave you with the picture of my redneck friend. Proof that he is in fact, that stupid.