Saturday, May 10, 2008

Questions me.

So, remember a long time ago I told you to email me some questions and I would try my best to answer them? Well, I got blasted with some questions. Some funny, some serious, some mean. I am not going to do them all right now. Just some of the good ones.

Now, please remember that I am not a doctor. I am not a OB/GYN. Last I checked I wasn't spanking babies on the ass and sticking my fingers up a Woo-hoo to see how far you are dilated. So, I take no responsibility if I give the wrong answers.

Do men like oral sex rough?

I really don't think so. Their Twinkies are pretty sensitive and although most men don't believe in "bad oral sex", I would assume if you are leaving teeth marks, it would hurt.

So, if your nick name is "Wood Chipper", you are probably too rough. Start gumming it. Your not sharpening a pencil.

Do you believe in Karma Sutra?

Yep, sure do. I don't practice it a lot. I have read some decent books about it. I can't remember the names of those books though. I believe that inner peace with any part of your life is a good call. And Karma Sutra is strengthening your inner peace.

Have you ever been caught by your daughter?

Not yet, but there was a near miss moment. I'm still wiping the sweat from my brows. I don't ever want her to catch us either. That's why I make sure she is in a deep sleep before we get the nasty on. Or that she's not home.

I had a bad experience. I walked in on my parents and heard them another time and I should have had counseling after. I was traumatized. Just writing about it makes me ill. Seriously, I wouldn't talk to my parents for days following and avoided all eye contact. My mom would use the bathroom all the time while I was in the shower. Before seeing my mom riding my dad, I didn't care. After the seeing that? I closed my eyes and thought of a happy place.

I don't want my daughter to feel disgusted and bruised as I was. Oh, the thoughts are burning my brain.

I have a vaginal odor that I cannot get rid of. Any advice?

Time to call your local MD. You may have a yeast infection. However, you should know that every women has their own distinct smell and it is natural for odor to occur. Try a feminine spray before sex if you are feeling embarrassed. Also, baby powder in your undies through the day is a good, inexpensive way to help with odor or secretions.

But if you are uncomfortable or there are secretions of different colors, see your doctor.

Do you really think sex is that important to a marriage?

Ask your husband that question. I bet he says yes. If he says no, he's lying. Yes, sex is important. It's a connection to make with your mate. It's a stress reliever for him and if you are having nice orgasms, then it is a stress reliever for you.

I want bigger boobs, are there exercises to help?

Scrunch boobies together and then release and repeat after me:
"I must, I must, I must increase my bust!"
Do over and over and over. In about 200yrs, your "mosquito bites" might have upgraded to a "bee sting."

If you are really that worried about your boobs, the a plastic surgeon is your best bet. However, please read past posts about how big boobs suck. Seriously, I have stains on most of my shirts where food has fallen onto my mounds. They are always in my way, and cute shirts look like I'm wearing barbie clothes. Your back aches, your neck aches and your shoulders ache. So walk around with two melons in a DD bra for a few days and see how you like it. You will soon love your small titties.

What do you think of Hannah Montana posing nude?

Well, since you asked, I will tell you. She is not nude. She is not on a porn magazine and she is not ashamed of her body. Ask a mother who's daughter has an eating disorder how she would feel about this. She would be relieved that her daughter isn't ashamed.

And the truth be told, Diva doesn't even know about it. I control her Internet searching. I put locks on things or I monitor it. So, she won't know. And if she did, I would explain that first and foremost, she is not laying there spread eagle and that she is proud of what she is. She may not be the skinniest girl in the world, but she has a good body image.

I have other things to be concerned about. Like drugs, rape, alcohol, drinking and driving, stranger danger, the war, economy and so on.

Now Jamie Lynn Spears? Just plain sad. I feel sorry for her to be honest with you. She is young and is going to miss out on so much. :( She is a child who is forced to become an adult. Hannah Montana shouldn't be compared to Jamie Lynn. And Billy Ray and his wife are decent parents. Some of you don't think kids should be in beauty contests or models. Other parents love seeing their child shine. It's a difference of opinions.

Now some mean questions.......

People's sex life should be private!!!

I'm sorry, you didn't appreciate me standing in the bedroom with you telling you how to have sex? What a shame.

Seriously prude, it is private. I don't even like the dogs watching me. So, piss off!

Are you smoking crack?

The only crack that smokes around here are from our asses. Especially when my hemorrhoids are setting off a 4 alarm fire call. K?

Are you smoking crack though?

Is your husband ashamed of you for selling sex toys?

Hell to the no! My husband is supportive and very proud. He is also proud that I am open and honest, that I am fun and energetic, and that I like to have sex with him and him only.

And that he doesn't have to beg!

That's it for now! I'm going to a movie. Happy Mothers Day!


LunaNik said...

You. crack. me. up.

Seriously...calling a penis a "twinkie" is the BEST analogy I have ever heard. I'm totally using that from now on!!

Sandy C. said...

Oh man! So much learned here :) 1)Avoid "Wood chipping"
2) Call plastic surgeon on Monday
3) Never, ever, ever allow daughter to see me having sex...

K. Keep'em coming. Can't wait for the next installment :)

Hope you had a fabulous time at the movies!
Happy Mother's Day :)

Mike Golch said...

Krissy,thanks for reminding me why I like to visit have a great sence of humor.

Brittany said...

I am tainted by an encounter I had when my parents were doing the wild thing. It was TERRRRRIBLE. I can still see it. I can still SEE ITTTTTTTTTT. ah.

I am so paranoid Adam is going to walk in on us. I am not the most quiet person- so I am sure he's going to wake up thinking daddy is killing mommy, one of these days.

OH wait- sex is a private issue? oops.

Lilith Silvermane said...

Someone actually asked if your husband was ashamed of you selling sex toys?

Wow.... I wonder if their husband is ashamed of them being excruciatingly vanilla. COME ON. What man is going to get offended by that, and would marry someone so open and honest?

You marry who you are. Many times(usually ending in divorce) do people marry outside of their "open-ness. When one person will get highly uncomfortable about things considered "taboo".

Cavemen did it, MAN has done it (yes, even the ones people consider holy), Woman has done it... GET OVER IT!

Wow.. I really hate people sometimes.

I love reading you every day.. Oh, and twinkie is my new word from now on! Well, at least until I get drunk and giggle about it, then I might be banned. :)

dawn224 said...

awesome. And yes. I'm a huge fan of your use of the word "twinkie" as well.

Queen of the Mayhem said...

VERY enlightening!

I am still a little traumatized by the whole "Hemorrhoid" imagery! :)

Happy Mother's Day!

LaskiGal said...

You are so hilarious. I have to pee, but I had to read the rest of this post and now I really have to go . . . you made me laugh and . . .

OK. Back. Phew. I was expecting some eloquent Mom's Day post (I'm just about to crawl into bed) to end my commenting and VIOLA!!!

I got sex toys, hemorrhoids, a "wood chipper," the Kama Sutra, "mosquito bites," "twinkies," and the list goes on. What is not to love about this post?

April said...

Great questions and answers! LOL And screw those mean question-people. They obviously have no sex life. LOL

Kathryn said...

Holy hell! You crack me up!
I am always so paranoid about the boys walking in on us. We don't even have a lock on our bedroom door. Ack!
I agree that sex is VERY important to a marriage. On so many different levels. It helps with stress relief (as you said), self esteem issues, closeness (emotional and physical), and just having a good time. Good for you for answering such personal questions so well. :)

cyndy said...

Oh, to hell with the meanies.
They suck....well probably, they DON'T suck. And that's the problem.
Hope you had a wonderful Mother's Day.

N said...

Sex is good for the soul baby--keep the answers coming (literally!).

BlondeMomBlog (Jamie) said...

Wood Chipper...LMAO!

My oldest daughter walked in on us while we were having some fun on the couch late one weekend night and somehow we managed to compose ourselves and she never brought it up. Luckily all the lights were out! ;)

Also, I tend to agree with you on the Miley Cyrus/Vanity Fair photo. Last time I checked my almost 6-year-old wasn't subscribing to Vanity Fair or surfing the Internet by herself! (She does love Nick Jr., though.)

Huckdoll said...

LOL, Krissy, you sure do have your haters huh? It is beyond me why people actually read you and then send you hate mail. Love the way you deal.

Great answers, as usual. I love your Q&As.

Don Mills Diva said...

Best post I've read today!
You. crack. me. up.too.

Bronnie said...

Too funny. Our 7-year-old walked in on us early one morning ... we thought he was asleep. Quick as a flash, Kyle put on a concerned look and told Chase Mummy had a sore leg and Daddy was giving her a special massage to fix it. For days after, Chase kept asking about me leg and if the massage had made me feel better. Well, it might have, if he hand't walked in on us!

Michelle said...

Luv it!!
BTW - I too have walked in on my parents. ICK.