Thursday, October 2, 2008

The Secret Life of a Sex Toy Momma.

On any given day, you will find me cooking supper plus doing homework with a table full of girls. The PTO mom who has not learned how to say "no!" My planner is full of tasks, PTO dates, dance schedules, parties and a "to do" list that is very overwhelming. Underneath my mom sweats is a "SuperMom" costume complete with the underwear over the leotard and long, red fake leather boots. On most days my legs are half-assed shaving and my teeth are barely brushed. My car looks like a 7-11 threw up in it. My house is clean but my closets are disastrous. Next to the stove is a stack of mail that desperately needs to be organized and thumbed through. My fridge has a thick layer of muck growing on it. My dogs are begging for a good brush and a much needed bath. I can barely remember my phone number and my cell phone is always ringing a "Super Mario Brothers" tone reminding me to check my calendar or answer a text message. I grocery shop, clean up dog doo, dust the furniture, check the mail, pray for patience, search the Internet for the best ways to remove spots from the carpet and clean toilets.

But I have a dirty little suitcase that is jammed full of pink, blue, black and red vibrators that twist, turn, swirl and circle. There is also a vibrating tongue, a few little contraptions that go "buzz in the night" and an array of "potions" that are named "Nipple Nuki" or "Happy Head!" On this suitcase is a gigantic lock so little eyes cannot see it's contents. Sometimes these contraptions suddenly turn on and you can hear a consistent "buzz" inside this suitcase, buried under clothes and blankets. My stage name is no longer "Mother Guru" but is now "PartywithKrissy!" I get emails all the time that ask me questions like "Our sex life is in a rut, any advise?" or "My vibrator isn't working as well as it once did, is there a warranty?" (which btw...if you have used this vibrator in any way, you cannot return it to me! That's just nasty!"

Sometimes I stand in front of a crowd of women and men and hold these devices in my hands explaining the rules of usage in my brand new jeans, posh shirt and stylish shoes. I always show numerous ways in which to get the up most pleasure. I recommend using "this vibrator with this potion for the biggest orgasm you have ever had!" I explain in depth the human anatomy in the private area. I have pictures. You will not find these pictures in any "Sex Ed" text book.

I recommend places to hide your toys, places to place the key to the furry handcuffs so you don't have an embarrassing moment if the key is misplaced and I strongly recommend cleaning your toys A LOT! I have games that way more fun then Trivia Pursuit. And at the end of the day I stuff my gadgets back into the same suitcase and lock it up tight. But not before I remind myself to remove the batteries so I don't have to wake up at 2am to silence a possessed vibrator. My suitcase has become quite popular and if you see my toting this to my car, you know that I am on my way to make some killer cash by selling dildo's.

And then the next morning I put my ratty old sweats back on and turn myself from "Sex Diva" into "Beat Up Mom!"

Hi. My name is Krissy and I sell sex toys. (Psstt. And I like it!)


Kel said...

Complete with with cool! :)

OHmommy said...

You need to give me a warning. I am all hot and heavy here.

April said...

I love it! At least you love what you "do". Get it? What do you "do" ROFL! Okay, that may only be funny to me.

Funny side note, I cleaned out my bedside end table drawers this weekend and holy CRAP, it looked like I had my OWN store in there! LOL

Tara R. said...

Oh my... I have a vision of a small carry-on tote hopping it's way out from under the bed. I can't even finish this comment I'm laughing so hard. Later Firecracker!

DysFUNctional Mom said...

Such a cool alter ego. I couldn't do it, I would giggle and blush and be such a dork! I love to go the parties, but I don't have the cajones to sell the stuff. You rock!