Saturday, October 11, 2008


I call people pushing me off of the cliff into insanity "episodes!" Sadly, this happens often. I usually resort to a place to gather my thoughts and regroup. Even more sadly, this is usually the toilet. I can lock the door and read a book with my pants around my ankles for minutes if I need too. Usually in this household, the kid or the husband stand outside the door asking me dumb questions but I will either turn on a radio or the blow dryer to block them out. Seriously, can I have a few minutes of peace??????

So, let me give you some examples of these episodes.

The Kid: Okay. Homework sucks. I groan and throw a tizzy fit when it comes time to do homework. The kid is very capable of doing her homework herself however, she likes to flop around like a fish out of water when she should be buckling down. This pisses me off. She knows it pisses me off. She doesn't care that it pisses me off. And then the kid will say "mom, I don't know how to do this, can you help?" Please. She so knows how to do it. But like the nice mom that I am I drag myself away from the computer to help. After figuring out the problem I try to explain it. And do you know what this bratface does. She argues with me. "That's not right MOOOMM!" Are you freaking kidding me??? So, I argue my defense and she argues hers. And we bicker back and forth until I finally get so steamed that I say "Fine! Do it yourself then!!!" and then she whines that she doesn't know how!!! Read this over like 500X's and you will feel my pain. If she didn't know how to do it then how in tarnation can she argue with me that I am wrong???? This is when I head to the toilet with my book. Either that are you can hear me speaking in tongues.

The Husband: My husband believes that he is the guru of everything. He knows all. He is a master of anything. I'm telling you he is not. For instance. His driving sucks balls. He is very aggressive. There is a imprint of my foot on the dashboard and grip marks on the "OhShit" handle. So on the rare occasions that I drive, the geek will criticize my excellent driving skills. Your speeding, your going to slow, your slamming on the brakes, you just hit a curb. Seriously, curbs are nothing more then speed bumps. It's not like I hit an elderly lady or something. But o' guru himself will bitch and moan the entire time I am driving. Most words like "Shut up you loser, or you can drive!" or "I will open your door and push you out if you don't shut up!" will be heard.

Disclaimer: It was not my fault that I almost creamed a Asian man on a bicycle the other day. When there is a flashing sign with a big "X" through a picture of a walking pedestrian that usually means to NOT go across the 6 laned street of bumper to bumper traffic. There should be not translation on this. So had I have actually smoked this dumbass, it would have been his own fault. Duh!

The Job: Okay. You are a mere 22yrs old and are the manager of Target. I get that being smashed the night before or growing out some pubic hair on your face could be more important then your job. However, when I have to perform a task on the register the requires a supervisor's number, don't walk away from me without giving me the numbers so you can go show off your wanna-be mustache to a hot young girl. And certainly do not get your panties in a bunch when I call you back over to give me your stupid number. And don't look alarmed when I finish with the customer and then come marching over to you with fire in my eyes. And don't be at all surprised when I give you a lip lashing from hell. And certainly do not do any of the above to a middle aged lady that is hot flashing so bad that she is releasing more water then the Hoover Dam. And yes. Middle aged women can be very, very bitchy.

The parents: So my parents are having a chili feed this weekend. It is a annual thing that they do. Every single year my husband makes his famous beer chili. We never have any left overs. So don't you think that we will once again make this chili??? Don't call me at 6am to ask me for the 100th time if we are in fact, making the chili. Especially when you called me the night before and I assured you that we will be bringing the chili!!!! We have never NOT brought the chili. Cripes!!

Crazy. I'm telling you. And just so you know....I NEVER do anything to irritate these people. NEVER! :-)


Brittany said...

Sounds amazingly crazy, my dear!! I too turn on the blow dryer to drowned out my needy boys. Why are kids and husbands so damn needy?

Tara R. said...

You are starting to scare me now, the kid, hubs, the job (well having to work with people who act like they are still kids anyway)... this could so be my life.

I HATE homework, especially someone else's. That whole arguing with you when they ask the question and don't like your answer... totally pisses me off.

Hubs can camp in the bathroom for an hour, I'm in there trying to find a little peace and can't without someone banging on the door after only five minutes.

OHmommy said...

I am so glad that my kids do not have any homework.


So thankful.

sltbee69 said...

I feel your pain on the homework thing. I get the exact same attitude out of my girl. I swear I'm about to throttle her or choke the living shit out of her most days!

Patois said...

Wow, having read this, I'm feeling a little less crazed today.

DysFUNctional Mom said...

My Princess asked me today, what's 9+8? She is 10x smarter than me, she was just being LAZY! She whined and whined until she finally figured out that I was not giving her the answers, then she amazingly got all of her homework done in record time.
Oh, and the chili feed? I'm so there. Make extra (only about 6 bites though, I'm a cheap date. LOL!)