Wednesday, February 25, 2009

For Sale.

If you are in need of a husband, look no further. You can have mine!

For a short time, you can bring home this fine piece of ass and prop him in a recliner with the remote in his hand. He will sit there, flipping through channels, farting, scratching his balls and out right ignore you or any of your demands.

But WAIT. There's more!!!!!!

When it comes to children, he is a special breed. He will actually come out of his t.v. trance long enough to say "Hi. How was your day?" to the children and answer math questions they may have. You must act quickly though. He is only coherent for a short time before his eyes glaze over and he can no longer interact with human kind.

He makes good money, enough for you to stay home and do all his laundry, cooking, cleaning, child care and become a under paid whore. Once in a great while, after oodles of begging, he may rub your back for 45 seconds before complaining that his arm is tired. It's pure bliss for those enjoyable 45 seconds though.

And you can sit in the comfort of your own home and smell the horrendous farts that he is truly the master of.

All of this PLUS!!!

He's pretty good in bed. Okay. He's the master of the bedroom. Sex or standing in front of him naked is your only ticket to get his eyes away from the flat screen.

If you ask him to do something, even though it is a small task, it will take him 7 days to fulfill your wishes. He uses the "Honey Do" list as toilet paper to wipe his ass. On the bright side, you save money on toilet paper.

If his friends call or he has a meeting which is only suitable for meetings that are well worth his time and involves having "meeting's after the meetings" (aka the bar) he is very motivated and it doesn't take him anytime to get ready to run for the door. This only applies to things that peaks his interest. If it is to go shopping, he will procrastinate for an eternity.

He pouts and whines like a toddler. So. If you are unable to have children and are pursuing adoption, he is a winner. You do not have to change shitty diapers yet. like you would with a infant.

And if the mood is right and I am bitchy enough, he comes with a package deal. Not only do you get this one husband, but you could have the fortune of getting the kid and two dogs to go along with him.

*note* He does not feed the dogs or kid. That is your job.

I will ship him to you as soon as he changes the light bulb in the bathroom that has been burned out for several weeks now. I can think positive and say that he will be on your doorstep in the next few days however, that is laying a lot of hope in him.

Act fast! This could all be yours for the low price of $.01 and if you comment within the next hour....

I will pay for shipping.

Make Checks Payable to:

One bitchy wife.
6969 UpHisAss Avenue
Butthole, FU 69696

*Note* I love my husband and he is a wonderful man and father but today, he done pissed me off. So. I turned to the blog for my therapy. Thank you for understanding that I am one messed up menopausal bitch.


Brittany said...

So is he holding TP because he knows he's in a sh*t load of trouble?! HA HA HA HA HA! Sometimes I can be funny! Who knew!? :)

Tara R. said...

Bwahahaha! There must have been a special at Target... I've got one of those Hubs too.

DysFUNctional Mom said...

Dude, that was hilarious! I think Mama needs to go on strike!

Momisodes said...

LOL! I believe mine came from the same mold. But mine only seems to recognize the TP rolls that are empty.

OHmommy said...

Oh you are such a Firecracker Mom Krissy....

where can I send my dry cleaning bill? I just wet my pants.

April said...

Well...doesn't THAT sound like a bargain! LOLOLOL

At least he's good in bed, huh? ;-)

Huckdoll said...

Too funny. I miss you hun! Hope all is well will you and the fam!