Thursday, March 5, 2009

It really is all about poop.

NOTE: If you have a weak stomach and gag at the mention of poop.....keep reading. I don't want to be the only one gagging.

Let me set this straight. I hate the word poop. I hate the word fart. I know I use it in my vocabulary often but I am usually typing it. Not saying it. I spit when I say poop. It's the way my mouth forms that makes me shower whoever or whatever is in front of me.

And. I hate poop and farts. I gag. I actually threw up a little once while changing my own daughters diaper. It makes me hurl chunks. And I hate puke too. So. I'm fucked. But I do get a sicky feeling when I see poop or smell farts. It is disgusting.

But I cannot stay away from it. It follows me. It is everywhere I go.

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My dog ate a whole roll of toilet paper. She ate the whole entire thing. I didn't really know which dog it was, so I scolded both of them. Until today.

My old dog Vamp, had a hanger. It was a long string of paper hanging out of her butt hole. It was so gross. Naturally, I made her stay outside until she could lose the hanger. After awhile, I realized it wasn't coming out on it's own.

This is where you could puke.

I had to pull it out of her ass. The dog should have just shit a tree. Seriously. I kept pulling and pulling and....well....you get the picture.

She felt elated that she didn't have a wad of T.P. stuck up her intestines anymore and I was heaving and gagging and cussing and yelling.

My dog is going green because she recycles paper. Awesome.

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I am taking Alli for weight loss. I had no choice. My pants were cutting off circulation to my legs and turning them purple. And I cannot even get my large ass off of the couch to sign up for the gym.....let alone go work out.

And when it says that you poop some weird, nasty slimy stuff out of your hole, it wasn't lying. In a few words, you shit the fat you it out. And it looks like grease. It is horrible.

And the gas is even worse. It smells like rotting fish. Can I get a "Ewwwww."

However, it works. You look into the bowl after a movement and realize that the lard you just squirted out is what you force into your face hole. Not very appetizing. So. I have second thoughts when I order the chicken sandwich with extra mayo off of the Burger King menu.

I said I thought about turning it down. I don't have that much will power. Geesh.

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My husband likes to fart. My daughter likes to fart. My friends like to fart. My dad likes to fart. My sister and mother like to fart. My niece and nephew like to fart. Need I say more?????

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My life stinks.....literally.

5 comments:

Tara R. said...

My dog ate the entire inside of a pillow once. I so understand the TP thing... it was disgusting. Alli does do some funky stuff to your insides. I'm there beside you darlin', holding back your hair.

Kat said...

My dog used to go outside and poop. Eat her poop. And then come back in the house and vomit up the poop on my carpet for me to clean up. How is that for gross?
Nasty dog.

the MomBabe said...

EW. Ew, ew, EW, ew EWWWW. gag. that toilet paper story is gross. {shudder}

Blessings From Above said...

As soon as I saw the word Alli...I knew what you were going to say! Yes, that stuff leaves some weird shit in your toilet. Buts it does work!

sltbee69 said...

My dogs like to eat the stuffing out of pillows/dog beds, old blankets, their poop, etc. Who am I kidding, they'll eat N-E-thing. BTDT on more than one occasion in 8 months we've had them. Definitely not fun but I laugh my ass off when my hubby gets stuck rescuing them from the hangers.

I've heard that about the Alli. I fart enough as it is, so I think I'll pass on it and keep counting my calories and watching my fat intake. Yuk!