Monday, February 9, 2009

Picture it.

1. Picture it. Pregnant. Kidney infections.
I was working and had to go to a bachelorette party after my shift. I was 6 months prego and was in a moo-moo dress. I wasn't looking forward to going out however I promised I would and I was already late. Which means I didn't have time to pee before I left. A few minutes later, I was doing 55mph down the interstate and realized that my bladder was going to explode. I tried holding it for a few more miles to the next gas station, but I couldn't do it. I failed. I peed my pants. Luckily, I am a weirdo and whenever I have a dress on, I have to hike it all the way up when I drive. So I only peed in my granny undies and seat. I hate being late. So. I carefully slipped the undies tent off and threw them out the window (shame on me for littering but you never know, a hitch-hiker could have picked them up and used them for a hanky....or their own undies. It could happen!). Fast forward a few hours. The girls were already drunk off of their asses by time I made it there. Did I mention that my fat assed pregnant self was the D.D.? Anyway, at a bar, my one friend decided to lift my skirt. Imagine her surprise and laughs when I was butt ass naked.

The point?.........My friends are bitches.

2. Picture it. Me (single and childless). My friends. A Ford Tempo (bwahahahahaha. A Ford Tempo......LOL) and Pumpkins.

I used to love stealing pumpkins. So. One crazy night me and my friends left the bar (we were NOT drinking.) to take pumpkins away from innocent little children. Yes. I was terrible. Anyway, my friends car worked the best because it had a button that popped the trunk open. You Know. Easy Access. My one friend had some rank gas and it was seeping out of his bunghole. He came running back to the car with the biggest pumpkin I have ever seen and it was so heavy that he was pushing farts out as he huffed and puffed. We popped the trunk, he threw it in the back (which only made the back of the car look like a low rider.) and tried to open the car door. Did I mention that he almost got caught from the parents? Anyway, we could hear him tooting about a block away so we decided he needed to air out. We locked the doors and made him run next to the car for awhile. He hurt something or other in the process. I think he pulled a groin muscle. Hahaha.

The Moral of the Story?........Don't have gas while stealing pumpkins.

3. Picture it. A bar. Me. My cheating boyfriend. Alcohol.

I was dating a man for about a year at this point. Or at least I thought we were dating. Apparently he thought it was okay to do the "horizontal mambo" with other women as well. WRONG! We were out and about one night and I was feeling mighty fine thanks to tequila. His whore other "screw" informed me that she was "seeing" him as well. I approached him, which ironically he was at a table full of girls he was trying to mack on. I asked him if this information was true. He tried to lie. I persisted until he fessed up. At this point, I was being rather loud and we had an audience. After he told me the truth, I popped him in the face. I called him so choice words and walked away with people applauding me. He was humiliated when his posse of girls told him to get the hell away from them and he left the vicinity. Which is a good thing considering I was shooting some more tequila for some more liquid courage. I found out that the chick whore that gave me this information continued to have a "relationship" (read between the lines and take special note of the quotation marks.) for a while after this. He finally broke it off to her and begged for my forgiveness. I refused any sort of "relationship" with him other then friendship. We are still friends to this day. And I remind him occasionally of my punch to his kisser.

Moral of this story?.......Don't fuck with a drunk Firecracker.

4. My daughter was getting bullied when she was in 1st grade. This bully didn't want her to have any other friends and wanted Sheylee all to herself. So. She would tell Sheylee that she was going to hurt her if she talked to any other kid. My daughter was strong, and didn't listen to her. One day, out on the playground, she tried choking my daughter. My girl is tiny. This bully is not the average sized 1st grader. Sheylee didn't have a fighting chance. After Sheylee's other friends got the bully off of her, Sheylee went to go tell the playground teacher. She told Sheylee to stop tattling. My baby girl came home with finger marks on her throat and tears in her eyes. I went to the school, demanded to talk to this playground teacher and informed her that if she ever makes such poor judgements again with my child, it would be her neck she would have to protect. The Principal didn't bother to butt in as she knew I was pissed off. The bully had to see counseling for a year and the teacher won't even look my direction to this day.

The Point?......Mama has a temper when you mess with my Stinky Girl.

Boo-RAh!

4 comments:

Kel said...

You never run out of material to crack me up do you? Seriously...your a trip!
~K

Brittany said...

Remind me never to piss you off. ;)

the MomBabe said...

stupid bully's. good mama.

Kat said...

Wow. They don't call you Firecracker for nothing!