Saturday, December 27, 2008

How to be a firecracker.

1. If you are not so lucky blessed to ever go see strippers, walk up to one and ask them if their crabs have herpes. It could possibly get your thrown out which in my humble opinion would be a good thing or if you can stay for the rest of the show, you will not get another lap dance.

2. Whenever you see a man wearing plaid, flannel or wranglers, yell across the room, store, bar "Cowboy Up!" For some crazy reason, some cowboys don't like this. Beats me. They do however love it when you yell "Wrangler butts make me nuts."

3. Walk into Target and yell "Walmart Rocks!" (even if Walmart so does not rock.) Target people are pretty dedicated to their store and will get disgruntled about this. Don't worry. They are working and cannot ream your ass for yelling this.

4. If you are at a bar, and a toothless man is trying to make out with you, hand them some Chiclets and ask them to put them in as replacement teeth. And for added insult, say "They will not only give you make shift teeth to replace your missing ones they will also double for a breath mint for your stank ass breath."

5. Wake up in the morning and do a beat down on your sleeping husband. If they are coherent enough afterwards or you didn't put them in a coma, tell them you are sorry for the beaten but you had a dream he cheated on you. Even if you didn't dream that, you can get some repressed anger out with an excuse. Seriously, I am not the only one who has urges to hit their husband am I?

6. If you don't like your snooty neighbors, have a kick ass party, go knock on their door when there is already a few hundred cars outside and instead of asking them to join the party, ask them if your rowdy friends can park in their driveway. It's like a knife in the heart.

7. Ask your doctor for a prostate exam. (Hint. Only if you are a woman because woman don't have prostates. I know this because I had to WebMD it. But if you are a man, and you say this, the doctor may stick his thumb up your ass.) (On a serious should be getting prostate exams because it could save your life. So. Go get a finger job. It is worth it. And I don't think they use their thumb. You can request the pinky.)

8. Super glue a quarter to your local Walmart's floor. Laugh out loud when people try to pick it up but cannot.

9. Take a bucket of water and pour it on your worst enemies sidewalk on a blistering cold day. Then get your video camera ready when they exit the house. Remember, only do this to your enemies. Revenge is sweet my friends.

10. Fart a little and deny it.


Kel said...

I swear you are a trip! Seriously where do you come up with this must spend oodles of hours practicing this to see which works...hahaha

Anonymous said...

I'd love to visit and be a firecracker with you! Lol, I totally needed that laugh, thank you!

Patois said...

You are definitely someone I'd want as a friend in real life. Definitely not someone I'd want as an enemy.

OHmommy said...

LOL at 10.

I have missed you sweet Krissy.

Blessings From Above said...


Happy New Year, Krissy.