Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The "real" Christmas Card.

Merry Belated Christmas and a Happy New Freaking Year.

Hello Friends and Family. I hope you this letter finds you well, happy and for crimeney out loud, I hope it finds you warm because so far mother nature has been a slut to us here in the Midwest.

This year has been a whirlwind. I had diarrhea 65 days of the year and the other 300 I was constipated. At this time, you should be thankful you are not my doctor because he gets the whole picture when I am discussing this. Color, texture, firmness etc. Did I mention that my doctor is "Hot" and it is really embarrassing when you are discussing the firmness of your poo. Bygones.

I still do shit for the PTO even though I unofficially stepped down from Vice President last year. I'm a sucker. Next year, I swear, I will be null and void from the PTO. If you have small children just entering Kindergarten next year, take my advice and run for the hills if the PTO tries to enlist you. Just saying.

Oh, and I sell dildo's and butt plugs for a living.

My daughter is a mouthy preteen. The good news is that because she knows everything Craig and I have decided to let her rent her own apartment and move out at 11yrs old. She will be fine and we will only be right up the street drinking at the bar if she needs us. Just a hop, skip and taxi ride home for us to get to her. We also decided that she can drop out of school because it is totally cramping her style. Besides, she knows it all, why does she need school?

And she is always, always late. She's a pokey ass. This way, she need not worry about getting to school on time.

The husband is working from home now and I am drinking daily. It's so much better to tolerate when you are completely shit-faced. He is also the Assistant Chief on the Fire Department which probably has saved him from being murdered by me. At least he is gone more. His bald spot isn't showing signs of growing, so that's good. Someday he will fart is asshole out and he smells like hot garbage 60% of his life. He could probably win a farting contest though, so we always have that going for us. Oh. And he snores like a banshee. Some valuable advise, putting a pillow over their face only temporarily stops the snoring when they stop breathing. The cops will question this though and it turns into a ton of paperwork. I find jabbing him with my elbow works the best.

My hot flashes are out of control and turn me into a raging bitch. One of my dogs is the phantom shittier and shits downstairs occasionally. I find punishing them both by rubbing their noses in it makes me feel much better. And because they cannot mouth back to me I don't give a shit what they think. I procrastinate something fierce and can be labeled lazy. This is why you are getting your Christmas card in July.

Have yourself a Merry little Christmas friends and family. Don't forget to drop a $20 in my envelope for my Christmas present. If you are family, we don't accept anything less then $50. I will break your legs if it isn't at least that.

And I almost forgot. We are also a grieving family and I find myself more aggravated because my father-in-law isn't here for me to pick on anymore. So. This causes my anger to build up. Christmas will never be my favorite holiday again because of losing him so close to the holidays. Maybe Martin Lutheran King Day will be a fav of mine now. Anyway, you may not want to come for a visit anytime soon. I'm liable to pick on you. And most of you getting this letter are snot-nosed babies who cannot tolerate a good beating. Pansies.



Kel said...

And a Merry Christmas/bah humbaug to you too dear! :)


Grandy said...

Ready to ring out "Suck-It 2008" here myself.

Dropped in to say HI. Would say hope you are well...but...you know. I'm worried about that 65-day thing. ;)

Patois said...

Well, I'm glad I'm not on your Christmas list.

Tara R. said...

What I wouldn't give to have a fabulous family member like you to send us a Christmas letter that's not full of total crap. I LOVE this... I would love to have the guts to send out an honest holiday letter like this!

Blessings From Above said...

Now THAT is an interesting Christmas letter! Love it.

Merry Christmas.

DysFUNctional Mom said...

Isn't it nice how teens know it all? It's amazing how they're so smart, since their parents are so clueless........
Merry Freaking Christmas to you too!

Huckdoll said...

LOL! Oh, Krissy...golden. Thanks for the laugh sweetie.