Monday, December 15, 2008

What is a Cracker to do?

I'm incredibly bored. I really couldn't get an more bored. I could clean more, but I don't feel like it. I could finish decorating my finished basement, but that would require me to go into the garage to find things and it is toooo damn cold to be in there. I can't leave the house because my nostrils freeze together and I suffocate. is really that damn cold. My nipples are inverting and poking out my back. It isn't pretty.

I could sit and write a post and watch a movie, which is what I really am doing however, the ants in my pants are getting the best of me and my restless leg syndrome makes me feel like I am moving, even though I am stationary. This totally sucks when you are trying to get some shut eye. I have considered cutting my legs off sometimes.

I could tackle the disaster of a room that my daughter resides in but I already threatened her that if she doesn't do it, she will be grounded. And I don't know how you feel about groundings, but I feel it is actually more punishment for me. So, I guess I'll give her yet another day to finally make it look presentable and not like a pack of wolves ransacked her bedroom. A troll would consider it disgusting.

I can give you some valuable cleaning tips since it is what I do best. Plus, I am a lazy piece of slime and I always look for the easiest way to clean. So, I will pass my knowledge onto other lazy pieces of slime too. Your welcome.

1: Use paper bags to clean your mirrors. Newspaper works well too but if you insist on paper instead of plastic, now you have another reason to get what you want.

2: Shaving cream is soap. And so I lather it up in the shower while I am allowing the hot shower to relax my cramped muscles. Then I use a washcloth and clean the tub and shower. It works might fine. And you don't burn your lungs out with toxic fumes.

3: If you have a nasty stubborn ring around the tub, grab a jar of mayonnaise (which isn't any more expensive then cleaning solutions), rub it into the ring and leave over night. Rinse the next morning and viola'....ring around the tub vanished before your very eyes. Or instead of rinsing it out you can make your family packed lunches and that my friends, is called multi-tasking.

4. Lemon juice is awesome for removing rust. And it smells so fresh and clean.

5. Put some baking soda in the toilet and let it sit for awhile. Flush and see how nicely the bowl sparkles. Until your husband rushes in with a newspaper. It ain't so pretty after that.

6. Use tea bags in warm water to wash your hard wood floors. Oh.So.Pretty.

7. Duct tape doubles as a lint brush. It does have more uses then just shutting up a mouthy pre-teen.

8. Put some nice smelling dryer sheets under the couch cushions. It will smell great for weeks. Don't bother removing the crusty food, pencils, mouse turds or anything else. Nobody will see it but they will smell the fresh smell of dryer sheets.

Alright, the Restless Leg Syndrome and ADHD isn't going to let up so I must run around in a circle for a few hours. It's gonna be awkward when visitors come over later.

Happy cleaning.....or not. But please for the love that is all holy, never allow your house to look like this.
You are ultimately a big pile of raunch if you live like this. Just saying.


Kat said...

Thanks for that pic. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Kel said...

ugh..thats so not happy!

Tara R. said...


The cleaning tips were great though. I have a teen boy... I can relate to the toxic habits of a kid.

Patois said...

I'm going to try that tea on my floor. Here's hoping you're not just trying to have us do stupid things.

Momisodes said...

OY. I don't think anyone should go near that without a biohazard suit on.

I'm definitely trying the baking soda in toilet tomorrow.

Huckdoll said...

Oooh, I'm going to try the dryer sheet idea tomorrow. One of the girls had an accident while napping on the couch and though I've done my best to clean and deodorize it, I still get the occasional whiff of pee. I'm not sure if anyone else notices it, but it drives me crazy. Thanks for the tips!

Rita's Rants n Raves said...

LOL, you constantly crack me up with your posts! Love the cleaning tips, thanks. And I too can relate to wanting to use the two sided tape on my kids, one is 17 the other 12 and the younger ones are 6, the 6 year olds are not mouthy like the older ones.

DysFUNctional Mom said...

Holy ick! Thanks for the tips.