Tuesday, November 25, 2008

My day in a crazy nutshell.

1. Woke up angry because I wasn't bit by Edward, the vampire from the book (and movie) Twilight.

2. Sat down to finish homework with spastic daughter and eating cinnamon toast crunch. Sneezed in my bowl and blew chunks from the holes on my head into daughters cinnamon toast crunch. Tried to convince her to eat it anyway.

3. Blew a gasket when I walked into my dirty daughter's room. Threatened to take away the cell phone. She exclaimed that it is her room and she should keep it as she wants. Threw garbage bags in her room and said the infamous words: "When you pay rent, you can keep it how you want." Cringed about sounding like mother.

4. Had a panic attack when I remembered how much work I have to do.

5. Considered breaking my leg so I could get out of Thanksgiving at my house this year.

6. Contemplated what would be better. A broken leg or a concussion.

7. Left the house to get last minute shit. Filled the car up with gas. Couldn't pay at the pump. Fine. Went inside to pay. Came out and put air in my almost flat tire. Decided I wanted a pop. Went back inside. Almost fell. Shook my fist in the air at my father-in-law because I could almost hear him laugh. Got back in the car. Realized that coffee sounded much better then a pop. Went back inside. Talked to an older gentleman for a good 5 minutes. Ended up giving him a hug because he reminded me of my deceased father in law. Smiled. Left.

8. Almost blew a stop sign. Let out a collective sigh of relief. Had another panic attack because I realized once again that I had a lot of work to do.

9. Cursed at the person in front of me that was driving like they were in a coma.

10. Had to pee so bad I thought I was going to blow out my urethra.

11. Stop at Home Depot and peed. Couldn't find what I wanted. Got angry because no one was there to help. Considered choking someone. Another panic attack.

12. Got a text from hub that read "What are you doing?" I responded "None of your bees wax."

13. Didn't get a response. Felt triumphant.

14. Called hubby because I needed to ask him about the trip to Home Depot. Got pissed. Said some mean words. Hubby laughed. Pissed me off more. Hubby laughed more. Broke a few commandments.

15. Left Home Depot empty handed. Told hubby to go himself. I was coming home.

16. Decided to go find some angry music to listen too. Couldn't find angry music. Asked an associate what kind of angry music I should get. Associate was dumb founded. Sighed. Grabbed Enya instead. In case you didn't know, Enya is classical music. Not angry music. Failed again. Damn it.

17. Forgot to email one of daughters teachers. I was mad at him. Email read:

Dear Mr. Yoursointrouble,

Sheylee did not get the homework done that you assigned. Mostly because her, myself and my husband could not figure out the answers. In the future, please keep in mind that we are not stupid but have been out of school for over a decade. There was multiple answers that would have been right. We didn't understand what you wanted from us. This is very unfair.

I do not want to hear that Sheylee got a bad grade on this assignment. I would be highly upset if she did. If you would like to further discuss this, we can set up an appointment.

Sheylee's mom

This is the same teacher that I bribed with a doughnut to give my daughter an "A". He will most likely laugh at this email. Putz.

18. Got roped into taking 3 girls to dance tonight. Another panic attack and another commandment broke.

19. Prayed. Prayed for forgiveness and for patience.

20. Yelled at husband approximately 900X's. Once again, he laughed.

21. Pumping myself up to clean and get things done. Instead. I get on the computer and blog.

22. Curse myself for being a procrastinator. Left new post undone.

23. In town again. Forgot things. Go figure.

24. Get behind another person in a coma. Curse you people.

25. Considered buying numb chucks on Ebay.

26. Panic attack. Double up on meds.

27. Diffuse huge crisis in friends life. Talk on the phone for a hour while in town.

28. Jealous of everyone else that can multi-task.

29. Go to Walgreens to look for Cinnabun Coffee thanks to Dysfunctional Mom. Cannot find it. Find a cute pair of PJ's thanks to Kel (who's having a give-a-way) and Kat (who just bought a cute pair of PJ's.) Rats. Cannot find my size. Apparently they do not make PJ's in the size of "BlubberButtThunderThighsGETyourfatassupandexercise"

30. Decide to shit slime out of my ass and start taking Alli.

31. Do not buy Alli. Shitting slime scares me.

32. Home again, Home again. Let the Procrastinating begin.

33. Panic attack.

34. Contemplate a nap.

35. No nap.

36. Cries. Laughs. Sings along to Pink. Cries. Laughs. Cries.

37. Open door to rat infested daughters room again. Shut it quickly. Another panic attack.

38. Sent a text to daughter. Told her she was in a heap of trouble.

39. Sent another text that said sorry for being so crabby.

40. Cry. Laugh. Cry. Laugh. Pee.

41. Finish the daughters room which resulted in 9 gigantic bags of garbage. Contemplated punishments. As I was dragging the garbage out, husband stupidly says: "The garbage man is going to be mad at us. Ha, Ha...Ooops." Husband realizes that he is in deep shit. I scream: "Us. Really? Us? Wouldn't that mean that you would have had to do something?? Really! Us!" Husband retreats to office to lick his wounds.

42. Clean out the fridge. Start dishwasher. Thank God for inventing dishwashers otherwise I would have thrown all the dishes away. Realize that I have what feels like my period cramps. Wait? I don't have periods anymore. Realize that I have worked my ass off and I have some serious stomach issues. Laugh. Hardy-Harr-Har. Does this constitute as too sick to have Thanksgiving here????

43. Call sister-in-law. Cry. She chuckled. Told me to relax. She'll be here tomorrow to help. Nope. The cramps don't help get me out of Thanksgiving Hell!. *sigh*

44. Vow to never have another holiday here forever. Talk to sister. She recommends Christmas here. I agree. Dang it. Fooled again.

45. Worry that this post may be too long. Too bad. I'm venting before I blow up. Don't judge me.

46. Drats. Another project that has been on the back burner suddenly needs attention. Cuss. Swear. Curse. Cuss. Swear.

47. Decides to not do project and to take a tums.

48. Finds humor in my obnoxious day. Considers admitting self to psycho ward. Would it work? It would be like a vacation. Maybe I would lose weight because the food is so awful? Hmmm. This is tempting. So very tempting until I realize that I would come home to disaster. Still worth it though.

49. Breathing becomes erratic. Teeth begin to grind. Eyes start to flutter. Begins to mumble words that are not known in the English vocabulary. Farts. Feels better.

50. Just kidding. I didn't fart. But it made me laugh. Ha.Ha.Ha.

Realizes that this is what the holidays are all about. Puts on Christmas music. Changes answering machine announcement to "Happy Holidays From Us. We cannot take your call right now. Leave us a message and we will call you back as soon as we can. Thank you for calling." Sounds reasonably happy. Lights a memory candle of father-in-law so he can be with me while I clean. Remember holidays spent with him. Smile at the memories with tears in my eyes. Glues hairs back on head that were pulled out because of the outbursts throughout the day. Give husband kisses and hugs (he's reluctant, scared that I am going to choke him.) Sends an "I love you with all my heart" message to daughter. Thanks God for days like today because everyday is a blessing to you after you just buried a loved one. Thanks God for my patient husband and loving daughter and forgiving dogs who also got yelled at today. Gets even more giddy because husband agreed to take girls to dance.Sings to self: "What a man, what a man, what a mighty good man."

Hopes everyone has a Very Happy Thanksgiving! You are all so wonderful. I'm also thankful for you and you and you.


Tara R. said...

#51 and this is why I love you.

On #25 I have an extra set of those from my training days... just saying.

A Buns Life said...

That about gave ME an anxiety attack!!
Would it make you feel any better that I had a dream that I got to meet you last night? Only, you weren't very excited to meet me, so my feelings were hurt....but that's not the point. You were in my dreams! :)

Brittany said...

i am a slacker. i don't leave comments. i suck at life. i miss you. :)

DysFUNctional Mom said...

Sorry you couldn't find that coffee. It is amazing.
"Mama said there'd be days like this...."

DysFUNctional Mom said...

Sorry you couldn't find that coffee. It is amazing.
"Mama said there'd be days like this...."

April said...

Oh my goodness your daughter sounds like a TEENAGER already! SCARY!