I am a "As Seen On T.V." freak!!
It can fix anything big or small. You can hang a real life elephant from your house if you wanted to. You can fix any leak.....hell for $14.95 I would never need a plumber again. I could have put my favorite coffee mug that broke and shattered into a million pieces back together and painted it. I don't think it is toxic. So, when my daughter is arguing with me over which cell phone she thinks she needs (she thinks she needs the $200 Dare cell phone) I can just Magic Putty her pretty little mouth shut for awhile. Peace and Quiet for a mere $14.95!!!! Sold!!!!!
This little device amplifies sound so you can hear anything. I can use it to listen to my neighbors talking bad about me when my daughter pulls my pants down and I show my southern regions to them all. I can hear better in church (if I went to church) and could probably hear all of the old ladies digestive systems at work. I can eavesdrop in on my daughter and friends, so then I wouldn't have to get up from the couch to put my ear to the door. I betcha I could hear my neighbors fighting or having a romp fest. Wouldn't that be fun????? And can you believe that once again, it is only pennies to own this spy technology. Sold!!!!!!
I get so sick of buying razors to shave my hairy legs, pits and my girly area. The razors are never sharp enough and I am sure that it is the reason I have stubble all the time. Never again. With this contraption, I can just sharpen my blade anytime I need to. I may cut my juggler and bleed to death or cut off a important part of my vaginal area but at least my legs would be baby butt soft without the pain of waxing. And my daughter is sure to take off the top layer of her skin with this sharpened blade now. Only $19.95. Sold!!!!
Are you embarrassed of your ugly lawn and have your neighbors put up barricades to hide your lawn from the ugliness??? Mine have. I mean really, if it wasn't for weeds, there would be no green. And I have these ugly brown patches of dead lawn from where I peed in a drunken state and my urine is like acid and killed off the lush green dandelions. Well, now my neighbors can take down the barricades because I have Ultra Lawn Patch. I will no longer feel like the Hunchback of Notre Dame locked up in my bell tower. The townspeople will rejoice and once again accept me. This is the best yet....$12.95. Sold!!!!
Now seriously, I have bought a lot of "As seen on T.V." stuff. The PediEgg.....works wonderful. I don't have fish scaly feet in the summer time. Shoes away for shoe freaks like myself is a great help to your messy closet and Richard Simmon's "Sweating to the Oldies" did shed unwanted pounds for me with some great oldies music that I grew up on. Don't hate me because I love me my Richard Simmons. And trust me....there are many other "As seen on T.V." purchases that I truly have loved. I am addicted. Is it sad that I know the website by heart (pssssssttttt.......... http://www.asseenontv.com/) at that I know all the retail stores that carry the most "As seen on T.V." items (pssssst.....Walgreens!)?
My family buys me these things for Christmas. I love watching infomercials. I could totally take Billy Mases's job.
I need a intervention. I think I'm going into counseling. Nicki?????? Nicki????? Are you there. Your a counselor....can you help a sista out here?????
Guess what. I lost all my favorite links again due to a new laptap this time. I am so shitting busy with things that I couldn't do over the course of the funeral and planning. I have about 200 thank you notes and 200 addresses I have to anywho to find. I have procrastinated too long now. I have insurance to deal with and all of the mail. Plus.....I am grieving in a much harder state then I would have expected myself too. I heard a old message on our answering machine from my beloved father-in-law yesterday and I cried for hours. I was looking for a number in my contacts on my cell phone and saw his name and busted out the tears. I have been dealing with my daughter asking and pleading and screaming "Why??? Why didn't God ask me first?" It breaks my heart. My husband is staying busy and yes...he has grieved a lot but this man was not only his dad, but his best friend. His mentor. He called and asked business questions all the time because my father-in-law was a genius business man. I fear a major meltdown and I am terrified because I am not strong enough for that. I call my parents all the time, make them go to the doctor, cry because I am scared that something else is going to happen. It always happens in 3's for us. I can't believe I wrote that because it makes me shake with fear. I am praying a lot. I feel Dave with me when I need him the most and I feel Jesus walking with me. This is the so comforting to me. I sleep none. I've been up since 4:30am, watching infomercials. Nothing makes me content. My favorite shows, my favorite movies, songs, food.....NOTHING. I feel disconnected and stressed. So, in a very big nutshell....I am neglecting you. I'm so sorry.
I know...I know. It will take time. But how much time?? I need to know. I really need to know. I think my friends are sick of me crying. I think that they have their own worries and are sick of me. I don't want to talk to Craig, it was his dad after all. I don't want to talk to Sheylee and disrupt her anymore. I don't want my sister-in-law to think I'm losing it. And I am certain that everyone is sick of me. I have bailed on so many of my responsibilities that I am sure the PTO is hating me right now. And I ask the same questions over and over and over. Ugh.
I went out last weekend and got plastered. It helped for a short time until I started throwing up and had a hang over the next day. But I smiled. Note: I actually do smile and laugh still. I don't want that taken away from me. You know I get through stress by laughing and I still do that. I am not a vegetable. I'm just venting my hard times that are more often then I would like of course. But I still laugh and I still smile and I still remember. So don't commit me yet.