Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Sex talks and giggles.

My brat and her friends had to have "the class" at school. Yep. The sex ed class. She decided to embark on this adventure by only using one word every.time.you.mention.sex.

"Ewwwwww."

The school allowed parents to come the night before "the class" to the school to watch a very out dated video of teens who go through hormonal changes, peer pressure and then pregnancy.

My husband and I were curious and thought that this was a splendid idea. Well...my husband thought this was a splendid idea. I didn't so much care to go, but I agreed enthusiastically by saying "Why?? I already saw the video in 6th grade. I'm pretty sure I know what sex is by now. Why the hell do I have to go to this??? Why Gosh Damn it....why?????"

Then he told me that it was important, blah, blah, bullshit. So, we went. At first we were confused. The parking lot was empty, the school looked deserted and maybe we just got the date wrong. I was hoping we missed it. But the principal and the nurse were there, in the library, with the materials and the dreaded movie. Shit. We waited, and waited and waited for someone else to show up. I started to realize that it would be me, my husband (whom I deemed a pervert and was only there in hopes to seeing porn because he couldn't possibly be that involved in our kids life, could he? ) the nurse and the principal. Oh My God. Shit.

So, we watched the sex ed video that could have possibly been the same damn movie I watched in 6th grade, with the nurse and principal. I stifled about 500 giggles. I almost shit myself watching my husband stifle the giggles as well and had a sudden urge to stand up and yell "Oh Hell....just have sex already you little slut!"

It was hilarious in my mind.

And now we are learning about how tree's have sex. And how plants have male parts and lady parts. Yep. Did you know that a flower has an ovary??? Am I the only one who doesn't????

And tonight while doing her homework with her friend I heard "Ewwwwww...gross....they are having sex. The trees are having sex." I rolled my eyes at them and then turned my head and giggled because they said "sex". That's terribly wrong, isn't it??? I'm never winning "Mother of the Year" award am I??? Double shit.

Anyway, I pulled it together and told them how the conifers have to release their *uh hem*, sperm (giggle, giggle) from the pine cones and then the wind blows the blah, blah, blah and if it lands on a female cone then they just did it. They reproduced."

And then I hear roaring laughter and suddenly they stopped and both together went:

"Ewwwwww....you said "did it!" That's gross"

I should be worried. They are totally understanding what "did it" means now. This is bad in so many ways. Now I can't talk "code" to my husband when I want "sumthing, sumthing" anymore because my soon to be 11yr old can decipher it. This blows chunks all over my stealthy moves as a wife. No more "code". We may have to stop sex altogether because I realized that I heard my mom and dad "doing it" at about her age and it brings back bitter, disgusted memories and I didn't talk to them for weeks because I was so mortified and pissed that their old asses did that shit. I would die if my daughter heard us. Oh my God....that is just so wrong.

"Ewwwww" is the only word that comes to mind for me too.

8 comments:

DysFUNctional Mom said...

Locking them up in cages is sounding better all the time.

A Buns Life said...

Sorry for end of your code speak!!! I have no idea what we will do when we can't speak in code....

I'm actually pretty appalled though that NO other parents showed up to see what was going to be shown to their kids? What if their kids had questions about the video, how would they answer? THAT is just horrible and I am glad you went.

Kori said...

You crack me up. But I have a story for you.

One of my friends has a fish tattoo on her hip and her husband and her use the code. Ya wanna go fishing?

Yes their weird. All I have to do is give hubby the look and he knows.

Kel said...

haha - I heard my parents once and yes, it was HORRIBLE! I can't imagine the day when DQ can decipher my code...that will totally suck!!
~K

Tara R. said...

You should have taken bags of popcorn to the movie.

Patois said...

Love Tara's comment!

I didn't go to the showing last year for my then-fifth grader son. But I had talked to him enough to make sure he was already in the know. My daughter goes through "Family Life" in May. She runs away saying, "Ewwwwww" any time I broach the subject.

Momisodes said...

I can't believe you were the only ones that went! That alone should award you mother of the year.

Is it wrong that I'm incredibly intrigued about the pine cone sex?

DysFUNctional Mom said...

There's something on my blog for you. ♥