Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Oh Sweet Biscuts....

The last time I had a massage it felt more like torture then relaxation. I swore, the lady put me in the pretzel position and her name was Ulga.

Not this time. I found a new massage therapist that made me weep with pleasure. Massages are usually awkward for me. I make my husband turn the lights off when we are having whoopie time. I don't care that a sheet is covering me. I feel vulnerable. But today when I went to see my doc because I was having flu like symptoms, severe muscle pain and groin pain that was killing me, he told me that I pulled a groin muscle and my fibromyalgia is being ugly. I was told, per doctors orders, to get a massage.

I hmmmmppphhhed at him. I was already feeling like a Mack truck ran me down, no way was Ulga gonna manhandle me again. But my husband forced me to find a new therapist. So, after whimpering I reluctantly called this gal, who came highly recommended.

She was little, cute and perfect. I walked in looking like a creature that just limped out of a lagoon. Gravy!!! I was going to feel even more awkward as her fingers did Braille over my cottage cheese. I decided to go with the hot stones, even though these usually send me into a hot flash fiesta. This girl must have known me before she met me. She cooled the room down, to a point that made my nipples make teepee's in the sheet. But the minute she used that hot stone on me, I was in a good place. She didn't blab about how bad her life was like Ulga did. She didn't talk about her gastric issues like Ulga did. She turned on Enya....whom I love, lit some partylite candles that smelled delicious and shut the lights off. I placed my round face into the hole, and relaxed. For the first time in a long time, my body relaxed. She was terrific. The experience was nirvana. And all my issues went right out the window. I didn't care that she saw my fugly undies that had holes in the ass. At least I didn't wear my spanx. I didn't care that my cottage cheese was moldy. I didn't care that when I turned over on my back, my boobs split down the middle and my nipples touched the floor. I didn't care that I didn't shave my upper legs. It's snowy and winter here. I shouldn't have to shave the upper half. I shouldn't have to shave at all. I didn't care that I started drooling when I fell into a half assed sleep. I didn't care that I had to pee. I would have peed right on the table and not have moved. I could have sharted (fart and shit yourself) and I wouldn't have given a damn. My mind went blank. I thought of Dave (F-I-L) for a brief second, started to cry and then she massaged my scalp and I went blank again. She didn't hurt me ever. She got most of the knots out even though she didn't use her fat elbow to release the knots. She simply stoned me and rubbed it out. I tipped her $40. It was soooooo worth it. I would sell my body 500X's to get the money for that experience again. I know what I want for Xmas now. I know that I will become a fat prostitute to see her again.

There was no school today because of the shit ass weather but my daughter went to a friends house and is staying there all night because chances are there won't be any school tomorrow either. My husband will either starve or cook supper. I bet he starves. I am going na-night soon. I am so relaxed that I will sleep like a baby for once. And I refuse to feel guilty about it because I have a doc's note and a massage therapist's strict instructions to rest. I can watch Dancing with the Stars without doing laundry. Tomorrow will be a different story but I always have today.

I have to tell you about a bloggy friend that we all know that sent me a beautiful bracelet but she is worthy of a whole entire blog.

ZZZZZzzzzz....so until tomorrow.


Kel said...

I'm so happy your found your nirvana - hehe. Everyone should have a good massage therapist...they are SOOOOOO worth every penny!

DysFUNctional Mom said...

I have never had a professional massage....maybe I should ask for one for Christmas? It sounds heavenly! Glad you enjoyed it.

Tara R. said...

Now I want to get another massage. I have never been able to completely relax through one though. I guess I need to find the right one. I'm glad you're feeling better.

sltbee69 said...

Oh, you took me back to the only massage I ever had, Krissy! It was just lovely, even though toward the end I had to piss like a Russian race horse and was to embarrassed to tell Hans that I needed to go. You need to get your doctor to prescribe those more often. I'm so glad you got treated so special. ((HUGS))