1. Woke up angry because I wasn't bit by Edward, the vampire from the book (and movie) Twilight.
2. Sat down to finish homework with spastic daughter and eating cinnamon toast crunch. Sneezed in my bowl and blew chunks from the holes on my head into daughters cinnamon toast crunch. Tried to convince her to eat it anyway.
3. Blew a gasket when I walked into my dirty daughter's room. Threatened to take away the cell phone. She exclaimed that it is her room and she should keep it as she wants. Threw garbage bags in her room and said the infamous words: "When you pay rent, you can keep it how you want." Cringed about sounding like mother.
4. Had a panic attack when I remembered how much work I have to do.
5. Considered breaking my leg so I could get out of Thanksgiving at my house this year.
6. Contemplated what would be better. A broken leg or a concussion.
7. Left the house to get last minute shit. Filled the car up with gas. Couldn't pay at the pump. Fine. Went inside to pay. Came out and put air in my almost flat tire. Decided I wanted a pop. Went back inside. Almost fell. Shook my fist in the air at my father-in-law because I could almost hear him laugh. Got back in the car. Realized that coffee sounded much better then a pop. Went back inside. Talked to an older gentleman for a good 5 minutes. Ended up giving him a hug because he reminded me of my deceased father in law. Smiled. Left.
8. Almost blew a stop sign. Let out a collective sigh of relief. Had another panic attack because I realized once again that I had a lot of work to do.
9. Cursed at the person in front of me that was driving like they were in a coma.
10. Had to pee so bad I thought I was going to blow out my urethra.
11. Stop at Home Depot and peed. Couldn't find what I wanted. Got angry because no one was there to help. Considered choking someone. Another panic attack.
12. Got a text from hub that read "What are you doing?" I responded "None of your bees wax."
13. Didn't get a response. Felt triumphant.
14. Called hubby because I needed to ask him about the trip to Home Depot. Got pissed. Said some mean words. Hubby laughed. Pissed me off more. Hubby laughed more. Broke a few commandments.
15. Left Home Depot empty handed. Told hubby to go himself. I was coming home.
16. Decided to go find some angry music to listen too. Couldn't find angry music. Asked an associate what kind of angry music I should get. Associate was dumb founded. Sighed. Grabbed Enya instead. In case you didn't know, Enya is classical music. Not angry music. Failed again. Damn it.
17. Forgot to email one of daughters teachers. I was mad at him. Email read:
Dear Mr. Yoursointrouble,
Sheylee did not get the homework done that you assigned. Mostly because her, myself and my husband could not figure out the answers. In the future, please keep in mind that we are not stupid but have been out of school for over a decade. There was multiple answers that would have been right. We didn't understand what you wanted from us. This is very unfair.
I do not want to hear that Sheylee got a bad grade on this assignment. I would be highly upset if she did. If you would like to further discuss this, we can set up an appointment.
Sincerely,
Sheylee's mom
This is the same teacher that I bribed with a doughnut to give my daughter an "A". He will most likely laugh at this email. Putz.
18. Got roped into taking 3 girls to dance tonight. Another panic attack and another commandment broke.
19. Prayed. Prayed for forgiveness and for patience.
20. Yelled at husband approximately 900X's. Once again, he laughed.
21. Pumping myself up to clean and get things done. Instead. I get on the computer and blog.
22. Curse myself for being a procrastinator. Left new post undone.
23. In town again. Forgot things. Go figure.
24. Get behind another person in a coma. Curse you people.
25. Considered buying numb chucks on Ebay.
26. Panic attack. Double up on meds.
27. Diffuse huge crisis in friends life. Talk on the phone for a hour while in town.
28. Jealous of everyone else that can multi-task.
29. Go to Walgreens to look for Cinnabun Coffee thanks to Dysfunctional Mom. Cannot find it. Find a cute pair of PJ's thanks to Kel (who's having a give-a-way) and Kat (who just bought a cute pair of PJ's.) Rats. Cannot find my size. Apparently they do not make PJ's in the size of "BlubberButtThunderThighsGETyourfatassupandexercise"
30. Decide to shit slime out of my ass and start taking Alli.
31. Do not buy Alli. Shitting slime scares me.
32. Home again, Home again. Let the Procrastinating begin.
33. Panic attack.
34. Contemplate a nap.
35. No nap.
36. Cries. Laughs. Sings along to Pink. Cries. Laughs. Cries.
37. Open door to rat infested daughters room again. Shut it quickly. Another panic attack.
38. Sent a text to daughter. Told her she was in a heap of trouble.
39. Sent another text that said sorry for being so crabby.
40. Cry. Laugh. Cry. Laugh. Pee.
41. Finish the daughters room which resulted in 9 gigantic bags of garbage. Contemplated punishments. As I was dragging the garbage out, husband stupidly says: "The garbage man is going to be mad at us. Ha, Ha...Ooops." Husband realizes that he is in deep shit. I scream: "Us. Really? Us? Wouldn't that mean that you would have had to do something?? Really! Us!" Husband retreats to office to lick his wounds.
42. Clean out the fridge. Start dishwasher. Thank God for inventing dishwashers otherwise I would have thrown all the dishes away. Realize that I have what feels like my period cramps. Wait? I don't have periods anymore. Realize that I have worked my ass off and I have some serious stomach issues. Laugh. Hardy-Harr-Har. Does this constitute as too sick to have Thanksgiving here????
43. Call sister-in-law. Cry. She chuckled. Told me to relax. She'll be here tomorrow to help. Nope. The cramps don't help get me out of Thanksgiving Hell!. *sigh*
44. Vow to never have another holiday here forever. Talk to sister. She recommends Christmas here. I agree. Dang it. Fooled again.
45. Worry that this post may be too long. Too bad. I'm venting before I blow up. Don't judge me.
46. Drats. Another project that has been on the back burner suddenly needs attention. Cuss. Swear. Curse. Cuss. Swear.
47. Decides to not do project and to take a tums.
48. Finds humor in my obnoxious day. Considers admitting self to psycho ward. Would it work? It would be like a vacation. Maybe I would lose weight because the food is so awful? Hmmm. This is tempting. So very tempting until I realize that I would come home to disaster. Still worth it though.
49. Breathing becomes erratic. Teeth begin to grind. Eyes start to flutter. Begins to mumble words that are not known in the English vocabulary. Farts. Feels better.
50. Just kidding. I didn't fart. But it made me laugh. Ha.Ha.Ha.
Realizes that this is what the holidays are all about. Puts on Christmas music. Changes answering machine announcement to "Happy Holidays From Us. We cannot take your call right now. Leave us a message and we will call you back as soon as we can. Thank you for calling." Sounds reasonably happy. Lights a memory candle of father-in-law so he can be with me while I clean. Remember holidays spent with him. Smile at the memories with tears in my eyes. Glues hairs back on head that were pulled out because of the outbursts throughout the day. Give husband kisses and hugs (he's reluctant, scared that I am going to choke him.) Sends an "I love you with all my heart" message to daughter. Thanks God for days like today because everyday is a blessing to you after you just buried a loved one. Thanks God for my patient husband and loving daughter and forgiving dogs who also got yelled at today. Gets even more giddy because husband agreed to take girls to dance.Sings to self: "What a man, what a man, what a mighty good man."
Hopes everyone has a Very Happy Thanksgiving! You are all so wonderful. I'm also thankful for you and you and you.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
The Power of Screaming
This is a story about me and a hot dog. Sit back and relish in the fact that you are not me and for that....you should be very grateful.
So. Some pile of shit decided to rain on my parade. I don't like people who rain on my parade. Sure. I may be the only idiot in this parade but that is bygons. Moving on..........
So. Let me start over. I was hungry for a hot dog. Yes. Me and a hot dog equaled LOVE today. Usually, I gag at the mere thought of hot dogs (meaning the actual hot dog....not the hot dog smothered in my husbands underwear....I like that kinda hot dog.). But today, I got a unsuspected craving for hot dogs. *Gag*
And because we were at Sam's Club and we hadn't had lunch yet, we embarked on their cafeteria for a quick grub fest. And I was salivating. I was frothing at the mouth. I was ready to munch on some wieners. I had just got done making it all purdy with some ketchup and mustard and it was looking mighty fine. Bow-chicka-bow-wow.
This is were the old bastard decided to educate me on what hot dogs are made of. And I was ready to belch up everything that had been in my stomach within the last 24hr period after his lecture. And I could not bring myself to put the plump wiener in my spit pooled mouth. Even though I wanted nothing more than to eat a hot dog....I couldn't eat left over pig guts encased in pig intestine.
I held back my urge to give this old dick a good ass kick. I wanted to karate chop his eyeballs out. I was so pissed that he ruined me giving into a pregnancy craving (NO. I'm not pregnant. Apparently when I joke to people that I am pregnant they forget that I have no equipment to make or house a baby.). I wanted that wiener shoved in my mouth!!! GAWD.
So, instead I gave the old geiser a dirty look and sarcastically thanked him for informing me of the dynamics to hot dog making while throwing my lunch (and money) in the trash. He got the clue I was really not that thankful. I wanted to yell: "Seriously, your so old you remember when the Dead Sea was just sick, but in all the years, you never figured out to shut the fuck up when not spoken too?????"
His wife gave me "the look" like "Yes...I married this schmuck!" and I gave her a sympathetic look back. The look that says: "Miss, I know your pain." Men need to learn to shut their freaking face-holes. And let me tell you what. I moaned and groaned and bitched and complained until.....well....until now really.
I should learn to get over things quicker. It might help my moods.
Then again, it may not. So screw it.
And may I add "Go Packers!" Actually, I can add that because it is my blog so "Go Packers"
So. Some pile of shit decided to rain on my parade. I don't like people who rain on my parade. Sure. I may be the only idiot in this parade but that is bygons. Moving on..........
So. Let me start over. I was hungry for a hot dog. Yes. Me and a hot dog equaled LOVE today. Usually, I gag at the mere thought of hot dogs (meaning the actual hot dog....not the hot dog smothered in my husbands underwear....I like that kinda hot dog.). But today, I got a unsuspected craving for hot dogs. *Gag*
And because we were at Sam's Club and we hadn't had lunch yet, we embarked on their cafeteria for a quick grub fest. And I was salivating. I was frothing at the mouth. I was ready to munch on some wieners. I had just got done making it all purdy with some ketchup and mustard and it was looking mighty fine. Bow-chicka-bow-wow.
This is were the old bastard decided to educate me on what hot dogs are made of. And I was ready to belch up everything that had been in my stomach within the last 24hr period after his lecture. And I could not bring myself to put the plump wiener in my spit pooled mouth. Even though I wanted nothing more than to eat a hot dog....I couldn't eat left over pig guts encased in pig intestine.
I held back my urge to give this old dick a good ass kick. I wanted to karate chop his eyeballs out. I was so pissed that he ruined me giving into a pregnancy craving (NO. I'm not pregnant. Apparently when I joke to people that I am pregnant they forget that I have no equipment to make or house a baby.). I wanted that wiener shoved in my mouth!!! GAWD.
So, instead I gave the old geiser a dirty look and sarcastically thanked him for informing me of the dynamics to hot dog making while throwing my lunch (and money) in the trash. He got the clue I was really not that thankful. I wanted to yell: "Seriously, your so old you remember when the Dead Sea was just sick, but in all the years, you never figured out to shut the fuck up when not spoken too?????"
His wife gave me "the look" like "Yes...I married this schmuck!" and I gave her a sympathetic look back. The look that says: "Miss, I know your pain." Men need to learn to shut their freaking face-holes. And let me tell you what. I moaned and groaned and bitched and complained until.....well....until now really.
I should learn to get over things quicker. It might help my moods.
Then again, it may not. So screw it.
And may I add "Go Packers!" Actually, I can add that because it is my blog so "Go Packers"
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Sex talks and giggles.
My brat and her friends had to have "the class" at school. Yep. The sex ed class. She decided to embark on this adventure by only using one word every.time.you.mention.sex.
"Ewwwwww."
The school allowed parents to come the night before "the class" to the school to watch a very out dated video of teens who go through hormonal changes, peer pressure and then pregnancy.
My husband and I were curious and thought that this was a splendid idea. Well...my husband thought this was a splendid idea. I didn't so much care to go, but I agreed enthusiastically by saying "Why?? I already saw the video in 6th grade. I'm pretty sure I know what sex is by now. Why the hell do I have to go to this??? Why Gosh Damn it....why?????"
Then he told me that it was important, blah, blah, bullshit. So, we went. At first we were confused. The parking lot was empty, the school looked deserted and maybe we just got the date wrong. I was hoping we missed it. But the principal and the nurse were there, in the library, with the materials and the dreaded movie. Shit. We waited, and waited and waited for someone else to show up. I started to realize that it would be me, my husband (whom I deemed a pervert and was only there in hopes to seeing porn because he couldn't possibly be that involved in our kids life, could he? ) the nurse and the principal. Oh My God. Shit.
So, we watched the sex ed video that could have possibly been the same damn movie I watched in 6th grade, with the nurse and principal. I stifled about 500 giggles. I almost shit myself watching my husband stifle the giggles as well and had a sudden urge to stand up and yell "Oh Hell....just have sex already you little slut!"
It was hilarious in my mind.
And now we are learning about how tree's have sex. And how plants have male parts and lady parts. Yep. Did you know that a flower has an ovary??? Am I the only one who doesn't????
And tonight while doing her homework with her friend I heard "Ewwwwww...gross....they are having sex. The trees are having sex." I rolled my eyes at them and then turned my head and giggled because they said "sex". That's terribly wrong, isn't it??? I'm never winning "Mother of the Year" award am I??? Double shit.
Anyway, I pulled it together and told them how the conifers have to release their *uh hem*, sperm (giggle, giggle) from the pine cones and then the wind blows the blah, blah, blah and if it lands on a female cone then they just did it. They reproduced."
And then I hear roaring laughter and suddenly they stopped and both together went:
"Ewwwwww....you said "did it!" That's gross"
I should be worried. They are totally understanding what "did it" means now. This is bad in so many ways. Now I can't talk "code" to my husband when I want "sumthing, sumthing" anymore because my soon to be 11yr old can decipher it. This blows chunks all over my stealthy moves as a wife. No more "code". We may have to stop sex altogether because I realized that I heard my mom and dad "doing it" at about her age and it brings back bitter, disgusted memories and I didn't talk to them for weeks because I was so mortified and pissed that their old asses did that shit. I would die if my daughter heard us. Oh my God....that is just so wrong.
"Ewwwww" is the only word that comes to mind for me too.
"Ewwwwww."
The school allowed parents to come the night before "the class" to the school to watch a very out dated video of teens who go through hormonal changes, peer pressure and then pregnancy.
My husband and I were curious and thought that this was a splendid idea. Well...my husband thought this was a splendid idea. I didn't so much care to go, but I agreed enthusiastically by saying "Why?? I already saw the video in 6th grade. I'm pretty sure I know what sex is by now. Why the hell do I have to go to this??? Why Gosh Damn it....why?????"
Then he told me that it was important, blah, blah, bullshit. So, we went. At first we were confused. The parking lot was empty, the school looked deserted and maybe we just got the date wrong. I was hoping we missed it. But the principal and the nurse were there, in the library, with the materials and the dreaded movie. Shit. We waited, and waited and waited for someone else to show up. I started to realize that it would be me, my husband (whom I deemed a pervert and was only there in hopes to seeing porn because he couldn't possibly be that involved in our kids life, could he? ) the nurse and the principal. Oh My God. Shit.
So, we watched the sex ed video that could have possibly been the same damn movie I watched in 6th grade, with the nurse and principal. I stifled about 500 giggles. I almost shit myself watching my husband stifle the giggles as well and had a sudden urge to stand up and yell "Oh Hell....just have sex already you little slut!"
It was hilarious in my mind.
And now we are learning about how tree's have sex. And how plants have male parts and lady parts. Yep. Did you know that a flower has an ovary??? Am I the only one who doesn't????
And tonight while doing her homework with her friend I heard "Ewwwwww...gross....they are having sex. The trees are having sex." I rolled my eyes at them and then turned my head and giggled because they said "sex". That's terribly wrong, isn't it??? I'm never winning "Mother of the Year" award am I??? Double shit.
Anyway, I pulled it together and told them how the conifers have to release their *uh hem*, sperm (giggle, giggle) from the pine cones and then the wind blows the blah, blah, blah and if it lands on a female cone then they just did it. They reproduced."
And then I hear roaring laughter and suddenly they stopped and both together went:
"Ewwwwww....you said "did it!" That's gross"
I should be worried. They are totally understanding what "did it" means now. This is bad in so many ways. Now I can't talk "code" to my husband when I want "sumthing, sumthing" anymore because my soon to be 11yr old can decipher it. This blows chunks all over my stealthy moves as a wife. No more "code". We may have to stop sex altogether because I realized that I heard my mom and dad "doing it" at about her age and it brings back bitter, disgusted memories and I didn't talk to them for weeks because I was so mortified and pissed that their old asses did that shit. I would die if my daughter heard us. Oh my God....that is just so wrong.
"Ewwwww" is the only word that comes to mind for me too.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
I'm a crotchety, menopausal, stupid moron.
I am pretty competitive. Did you know that?? Well, I am. We bought the "Price is Right" Wii game and I shit a elephant if someone wins other then me. When driving, if a car passes me, I have the sudden urge to press a little harder on the gas pedal. I rarely walk away from a dare. That is why I have streaked around the house naked before. But that's a story that should never be shared.
Today was a celebration. A school teacher, and a friend, is battling cancer for the 2nd time in her life. She is a strong, courageous lady. The community was buzzing with life today. I have never seen so many of my fellow towns people in one place at the same time. It was beautiful. It was a carnival, a bake sale, a silent auction, a petting zoo. You name it.....it was there. And her fellow co-workers and the wonderful teachers in this community put on a brilliant, extraordinary celebration for her. Her spirits are high thanks to all the encouragement and love. I was impressed and seriously cried when I saw the turn out. A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. I was proud of this town.
So it was a Pink celebration since she originally battled breast cancer. I was decked out with a pretty pink blazer, some nice jeans and some high heeled boots. Even my purse matched. My daughter and friend were pretty in pink as well and wore some matching pink hats to celebrate in. I have to admit. I was feeling good this morning.
At the carnival was a game called "Dizzy Bats". Sounds fun, eh? You put your forehead on the bat, spin as fast as you can and then race to the finish line. You are pretty dizzy and it always makes for some funny moments. A friend mentioned to me that I didn't need the bats. I was already dizzy. I snarled at him and showed my teeth but took the joke in heed. I ran after him saying "Say that to my face, PUNK!" It was humorous.
Then my friends son wanted to race me. A normal person that already has bone density issues thanks to the lack of hormones would have instantly said no. Well, I am one stupid idiot. The least I should have done was ditched the heels. I am a walking catastrophe as it is. Heels usually result in some blood shed. I should have known.
But I decided against better judgement to just hurry up and beat the tarnation out of this much younger human. He is only 13yrs old but I could have so kicked his ass if I would not have been teetering on 2inch heels. Okay, maybe one inch. I don't have the slightest clue.
To make this shorter, even though I have a bruised ego and could use some pampering, I ended up in the doctors office. Yep, stupid ole' crotchety dumbass that I am snapped a ligament and pulled a tendon. Which mind you last week I pulled a groin muscle. So, in so many words, I am a freaking disaster. It was not fun to tell the doc what I did. I wish I had a story like "Well, I was drunk and fell off of a table while dancing." or "I ran down a murderer and brought him to justice."
But nooooooo....I was playing a silly kids game. Ugh.
I will be fine in a few weeks. Actually, it feels somewhat better already. No cast needed. Just a ugly tie-up bootie. It helps support the tender area so I cannot move it a lot. If he could have taken a X-Ray of my pride, it would have been worse then the foot.
Worse part, the friend that was teasing me saw the ugliness and him and his wife pity me because I am such a klutz. *sigh*
I'll be icing my foot and licking my wounds all week now. The funny part was the doctor actually wrote a prescription out that said:
"Husband is to cook supper, do dishes and take care of all his wives needs."
What a hoot. My husband didn't find this as funny. I am framing the bitch.
I still haven't told you about Kel....my sweet friend that thoughtfully sent me a bracelet that reminds me of my dearly missed father-in-law. A person I never met in real life, but still thought of me as I grieve. A doll. A sweetheart. And if my computer didn't need to be reformatted AGAIN so I could download pictures, I would show you the beautiful bracelet. But apparently, when I download a buttload of shit, it really messes with the lap top. I blame the kid of course, it is more understandable if she does it and not me. That's the beauty about being a mom. You can totally blame the kid. :-)
Now that the pain killers are taking effect, I am going to go drool the night away. I am so out of touch right now and I will be even further behind after the reformatting takes place because I will have to add every blog to my favorites list again. I am already overwhelmed but there is no excuse for neglecting my bloggy friends. I'm just a bit unmotivated too, which doesn't help plead my case any. Sorry for being lazy.
And now....a quick joke.
A blonde takes her sweater into a cleaners to have it dry cleaned. She talks softly and the cleaner couldn't hear her. So he said "Come again?" The blond said "No, only mustard this time"
Today was a celebration. A school teacher, and a friend, is battling cancer for the 2nd time in her life. She is a strong, courageous lady. The community was buzzing with life today. I have never seen so many of my fellow towns people in one place at the same time. It was beautiful. It was a carnival, a bake sale, a silent auction, a petting zoo. You name it.....it was there. And her fellow co-workers and the wonderful teachers in this community put on a brilliant, extraordinary celebration for her. Her spirits are high thanks to all the encouragement and love. I was impressed and seriously cried when I saw the turn out. A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. I was proud of this town.
So it was a Pink celebration since she originally battled breast cancer. I was decked out with a pretty pink blazer, some nice jeans and some high heeled boots. Even my purse matched. My daughter and friend were pretty in pink as well and wore some matching pink hats to celebrate in. I have to admit. I was feeling good this morning.
At the carnival was a game called "Dizzy Bats". Sounds fun, eh? You put your forehead on the bat, spin as fast as you can and then race to the finish line. You are pretty dizzy and it always makes for some funny moments. A friend mentioned to me that I didn't need the bats. I was already dizzy. I snarled at him and showed my teeth but took the joke in heed. I ran after him saying "Say that to my face, PUNK!" It was humorous.
Then my friends son wanted to race me. A normal person that already has bone density issues thanks to the lack of hormones would have instantly said no. Well, I am one stupid idiot. The least I should have done was ditched the heels. I am a walking catastrophe as it is. Heels usually result in some blood shed. I should have known.
But I decided against better judgement to just hurry up and beat the tarnation out of this much younger human. He is only 13yrs old but I could have so kicked his ass if I would not have been teetering on 2inch heels. Okay, maybe one inch. I don't have the slightest clue.
To make this shorter, even though I have a bruised ego and could use some pampering, I ended up in the doctors office. Yep, stupid ole' crotchety dumbass that I am snapped a ligament and pulled a tendon. Which mind you last week I pulled a groin muscle. So, in so many words, I am a freaking disaster. It was not fun to tell the doc what I did. I wish I had a story like "Well, I was drunk and fell off of a table while dancing." or "I ran down a murderer and brought him to justice."
But nooooooo....I was playing a silly kids game. Ugh.
I will be fine in a few weeks. Actually, it feels somewhat better already. No cast needed. Just a ugly tie-up bootie. It helps support the tender area so I cannot move it a lot. If he could have taken a X-Ray of my pride, it would have been worse then the foot.
Worse part, the friend that was teasing me saw the ugliness and him and his wife pity me because I am such a klutz. *sigh*
I'll be icing my foot and licking my wounds all week now. The funny part was the doctor actually wrote a prescription out that said:
"Husband is to cook supper, do dishes and take care of all his wives needs."
What a hoot. My husband didn't find this as funny. I am framing the bitch.
I still haven't told you about Kel....my sweet friend that thoughtfully sent me a bracelet that reminds me of my dearly missed father-in-law. A person I never met in real life, but still thought of me as I grieve. A doll. A sweetheart. And if my computer didn't need to be reformatted AGAIN so I could download pictures, I would show you the beautiful bracelet. But apparently, when I download a buttload of shit, it really messes with the lap top. I blame the kid of course, it is more understandable if she does it and not me. That's the beauty about being a mom. You can totally blame the kid. :-)
Now that the pain killers are taking effect, I am going to go drool the night away. I am so out of touch right now and I will be even further behind after the reformatting takes place because I will have to add every blog to my favorites list again. I am already overwhelmed but there is no excuse for neglecting my bloggy friends. I'm just a bit unmotivated too, which doesn't help plead my case any. Sorry for being lazy.
And now....a quick joke.
A blonde takes her sweater into a cleaners to have it dry cleaned. She talks softly and the cleaner couldn't hear her. So he said "Come again?" The blond said "No, only mustard this time"
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Oh Sweet Biscuts....
The last time I had a massage it felt more like torture then relaxation. I swore, the lady put me in the pretzel position and her name was Ulga.
Not this time. I found a new massage therapist that made me weep with pleasure. Massages are usually awkward for me. I make my husband turn the lights off when we are having whoopie time. I don't care that a sheet is covering me. I feel vulnerable. But today when I went to see my doc because I was having flu like symptoms, severe muscle pain and groin pain that was killing me, he told me that I pulled a groin muscle and my fibromyalgia is being ugly. I was told, per doctors orders, to get a massage.
I hmmmmppphhhed at him. I was already feeling like a Mack truck ran me down, no way was Ulga gonna manhandle me again. But my husband forced me to find a new therapist. So, after whimpering I reluctantly called this gal, who came highly recommended.
She was little, cute and perfect. I walked in looking like a creature that just limped out of a lagoon. Gravy!!! I was going to feel even more awkward as her fingers did Braille over my cottage cheese. I decided to go with the hot stones, even though these usually send me into a hot flash fiesta. This girl must have known me before she met me. She cooled the room down, to a point that made my nipples make teepee's in the sheet. But the minute she used that hot stone on me, I was in a good place. She didn't blab about how bad her life was like Ulga did. She didn't talk about her gastric issues like Ulga did. She turned on Enya....whom I love, lit some partylite candles that smelled delicious and shut the lights off. I placed my round face into the hole, and relaxed. For the first time in a long time, my body relaxed. She was terrific. The experience was nirvana. And all my issues went right out the window. I didn't care that she saw my fugly undies that had holes in the ass. At least I didn't wear my spanx. I didn't care that my cottage cheese was moldy. I didn't care that when I turned over on my back, my boobs split down the middle and my nipples touched the floor. I didn't care that I didn't shave my upper legs. It's snowy and winter here. I shouldn't have to shave the upper half. I shouldn't have to shave at all. I didn't care that I started drooling when I fell into a half assed sleep. I didn't care that I had to pee. I would have peed right on the table and not have moved. I could have sharted (fart and shit yourself) and I wouldn't have given a damn. My mind went blank. I thought of Dave (F-I-L) for a brief second, started to cry and then she massaged my scalp and I went blank again. She didn't hurt me ever. She got most of the knots out even though she didn't use her fat elbow to release the knots. She simply stoned me and rubbed it out. I tipped her $40. It was soooooo worth it. I would sell my body 500X's to get the money for that experience again. I know what I want for Xmas now. I know that I will become a fat prostitute to see her again.
There was no school today because of the shit ass weather but my daughter went to a friends house and is staying there all night because chances are there won't be any school tomorrow either. My husband will either starve or cook supper. I bet he starves. I am going na-night soon. I am so relaxed that I will sleep like a baby for once. And I refuse to feel guilty about it because I have a doc's note and a massage therapist's strict instructions to rest. I can watch Dancing with the Stars without doing laundry. Tomorrow will be a different story but I always have today.
I have to tell you about a bloggy friend that we all know that sent me a beautiful bracelet but she is worthy of a whole entire blog.
ZZZZZzzzzz....so until tomorrow.
Not this time. I found a new massage therapist that made me weep with pleasure. Massages are usually awkward for me. I make my husband turn the lights off when we are having whoopie time. I don't care that a sheet is covering me. I feel vulnerable. But today when I went to see my doc because I was having flu like symptoms, severe muscle pain and groin pain that was killing me, he told me that I pulled a groin muscle and my fibromyalgia is being ugly. I was told, per doctors orders, to get a massage.
I hmmmmppphhhed at him. I was already feeling like a Mack truck ran me down, no way was Ulga gonna manhandle me again. But my husband forced me to find a new therapist. So, after whimpering I reluctantly called this gal, who came highly recommended.
She was little, cute and perfect. I walked in looking like a creature that just limped out of a lagoon. Gravy!!! I was going to feel even more awkward as her fingers did Braille over my cottage cheese. I decided to go with the hot stones, even though these usually send me into a hot flash fiesta. This girl must have known me before she met me. She cooled the room down, to a point that made my nipples make teepee's in the sheet. But the minute she used that hot stone on me, I was in a good place. She didn't blab about how bad her life was like Ulga did. She didn't talk about her gastric issues like Ulga did. She turned on Enya....whom I love, lit some partylite candles that smelled delicious and shut the lights off. I placed my round face into the hole, and relaxed. For the first time in a long time, my body relaxed. She was terrific. The experience was nirvana. And all my issues went right out the window. I didn't care that she saw my fugly undies that had holes in the ass. At least I didn't wear my spanx. I didn't care that my cottage cheese was moldy. I didn't care that when I turned over on my back, my boobs split down the middle and my nipples touched the floor. I didn't care that I didn't shave my upper legs. It's snowy and winter here. I shouldn't have to shave the upper half. I shouldn't have to shave at all. I didn't care that I started drooling when I fell into a half assed sleep. I didn't care that I had to pee. I would have peed right on the table and not have moved. I could have sharted (fart and shit yourself) and I wouldn't have given a damn. My mind went blank. I thought of Dave (F-I-L) for a brief second, started to cry and then she massaged my scalp and I went blank again. She didn't hurt me ever. She got most of the knots out even though she didn't use her fat elbow to release the knots. She simply stoned me and rubbed it out. I tipped her $40. It was soooooo worth it. I would sell my body 500X's to get the money for that experience again. I know what I want for Xmas now. I know that I will become a fat prostitute to see her again.
There was no school today because of the shit ass weather but my daughter went to a friends house and is staying there all night because chances are there won't be any school tomorrow either. My husband will either starve or cook supper. I bet he starves. I am going na-night soon. I am so relaxed that I will sleep like a baby for once. And I refuse to feel guilty about it because I have a doc's note and a massage therapist's strict instructions to rest. I can watch Dancing with the Stars without doing laundry. Tomorrow will be a different story but I always have today.
I have to tell you about a bloggy friend that we all know that sent me a beautiful bracelet but she is worthy of a whole entire blog.
ZZZZZzzzzz....so until tomorrow.
Monday, November 10, 2008
How do you not wish......
I have a few friends who, as hard as it may sound to believe, talk to spirits. They do not see spirits, although one did have a ghost in her home, but they can talk to spirits. And one of them talked to my father-in-law on the drive to the funeral.
I am so jealous. I would love nothing more then for Dave to tell me that it is okay that he died alone....with a broken heart, both literally and not. He missed his ex-wife (my husbands happily remarried mother) and even after all the hurt and deception, would have taken her back.
The other spirit talking friend told me that they will talk to me when I stop wishing they would. I cannot stop wishing that. Sometimes I silently ask him to talk to me, sometimes when I'm alone I scream out to him. The dogs seem to think I am screaming at them because they run to the bedroom, their time-out room.
I still cry daily. I still miss him dearly. I am afraid of the holidays. I am afraid of his birthday which is coming up. I am afraid of forgetting him. But, I am grieving in a good way. I know that sounds silly, but I am grieving like I should and not ashamed of it. I cry when I need to, I have private moments of grief, I smile and laugh at funny moments, I may not be able to talk to him but I do feel him. I know he is with me when I need him the most.
Other then that, my daughter got her cell phone. I am sooooo sick of text messages and ringtones right now I could puke in her cereal bowl. She sent the same text of Stu from Family Guy to me 8 times. It is funny though when I get a text that says "Hi from the whole bus and I love you mom!" Then I don't mind the text. But I'm sick of Stu. She is obviously excited.
I'm pretty sure I have a hernia from the scar that was from a kidney surgery, c-section and the hysterectomy. They used the same opening 3X's and I'm sure it has caused a painful hernia. So, I've been walking like a blue hair all weekend fighting with my husband because I refused to go to the damn ER. And wouldn't you know it.....today when the doctor's office is open, I feel fine. So, I'm not going. I don't wanna go. I wanna stay home and read my Twilight book even though it really is supposed to be a book for teenagers. It is gooooood. If your a reader, and you are not accustomed to reading a book about vampires and such, I bet you would still like this book.
Well....the time has come to go vacuum for the 4ooth time this week and to do some laundry so I must stop blabbing. Okay, really, I'm gonna go play a game on MSN. I have good intentions.
I am so jealous. I would love nothing more then for Dave to tell me that it is okay that he died alone....with a broken heart, both literally and not. He missed his ex-wife (my husbands happily remarried mother) and even after all the hurt and deception, would have taken her back.
The other spirit talking friend told me that they will talk to me when I stop wishing they would. I cannot stop wishing that. Sometimes I silently ask him to talk to me, sometimes when I'm alone I scream out to him. The dogs seem to think I am screaming at them because they run to the bedroom, their time-out room.
I still cry daily. I still miss him dearly. I am afraid of the holidays. I am afraid of his birthday which is coming up. I am afraid of forgetting him. But, I am grieving in a good way. I know that sounds silly, but I am grieving like I should and not ashamed of it. I cry when I need to, I have private moments of grief, I smile and laugh at funny moments, I may not be able to talk to him but I do feel him. I know he is with me when I need him the most.
Other then that, my daughter got her cell phone. I am sooooo sick of text messages and ringtones right now I could puke in her cereal bowl. She sent the same text of Stu from Family Guy to me 8 times. It is funny though when I get a text that says "Hi from the whole bus and I love you mom!" Then I don't mind the text. But I'm sick of Stu. She is obviously excited.
I'm pretty sure I have a hernia from the scar that was from a kidney surgery, c-section and the hysterectomy. They used the same opening 3X's and I'm sure it has caused a painful hernia. So, I've been walking like a blue hair all weekend fighting with my husband because I refused to go to the damn ER. And wouldn't you know it.....today when the doctor's office is open, I feel fine. So, I'm not going. I don't wanna go. I wanna stay home and read my Twilight book even though it really is supposed to be a book for teenagers. It is gooooood. If your a reader, and you are not accustomed to reading a book about vampires and such, I bet you would still like this book.
Well....the time has come to go vacuum for the 4ooth time this week and to do some laundry so I must stop blabbing. Okay, really, I'm gonna go play a game on MSN. I have good intentions.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
When I get to thinking....
Which isn't all that often. Seriously people. I'm not just shooting the shit with you on that. I try really hard to not think. It gets me in t.r.o.u.b.l.e.
For instance. I get in trouble with my husband because if my daughter sneezes, and I get to thinking, I wrap my almost 11yr old daughter in a few hundred blankets (because winter is officially here with snow on the ground and wind that will rip your outer layer of skin off), carry her to the car, which isn't a easy feat since she is almost taller then me, and rush her to the doctor. He then tells me that she has allergies. So. In a nutty nutshell, I basically just spent $30 (thanks to our insurance co-pay going up) for me to learn something I already knew. And my daughter is pissed and won't talk to me for awhile because I suffocated her.
Another example. If I get to thinking, I suddenly think that I have a life debilitating disease. I sat up all night long on WebMd pondering if I had a cancerous tumor wrapped around my aorta. I rush to the doctor, give him my diagnosis, tell him why and walk out of there with my head hung low in shame. Because he scolded me for being on WebMd again. Another shameful walk to the receptionist to shell out another $30.
And one more crazy moment. I swore that my house was haunted. I got to thinking about why the fan will move sometimes or footsteps are heard. I get freaked out, sit with a blanket over my head, praying with my rosary in hand until my husband comes home and explains the footsteps are the wind (45mile per hour winds in South Dakota) and the fan moves when the heat comes on. Try making up a lie like "I was just kidding and see if you would be my hero!" to that one. It goes over like a prostitute trying to get money from a priest.
So....it is best to not think. I can think about things like "Oh shitty shit, I broke a nail." or "Why the flippity flip is my middle toe bigger then my big toe?" or "Craptastic, the dog just shit downstairs and then threw up in it's pile of shit!"
These are okay to think about. My husband allows this thinking. He was worried when I pondered who to vote for. I did think about how to save the country but that just turned me into a blubbering douche bag. It took a priest, a bottle of wine and a shopping trip to get me out of my blubber douche bag state. And yet....I still chose the loser. For the first time since I have been voting....I chose the loser. This was almost a suicidal attempt. I don't like picking losers. I like picking my nose...but not losers.
Now...I have to go find someone to fix my broken nail and clean my house from a crazy bunko night that ended with tequila getting spilled on my carpet and my dogs getting drunk and singing "Tequila" with a worm in their mouth. I have a crazy life.
For instance. I get in trouble with my husband because if my daughter sneezes, and I get to thinking, I wrap my almost 11yr old daughter in a few hundred blankets (because winter is officially here with snow on the ground and wind that will rip your outer layer of skin off), carry her to the car, which isn't a easy feat since she is almost taller then me, and rush her to the doctor. He then tells me that she has allergies. So. In a nutty nutshell, I basically just spent $30 (thanks to our insurance co-pay going up) for me to learn something I already knew. And my daughter is pissed and won't talk to me for awhile because I suffocated her.
Another example. If I get to thinking, I suddenly think that I have a life debilitating disease. I sat up all night long on WebMd pondering if I had a cancerous tumor wrapped around my aorta. I rush to the doctor, give him my diagnosis, tell him why and walk out of there with my head hung low in shame. Because he scolded me for being on WebMd again. Another shameful walk to the receptionist to shell out another $30.
And one more crazy moment. I swore that my house was haunted. I got to thinking about why the fan will move sometimes or footsteps are heard. I get freaked out, sit with a blanket over my head, praying with my rosary in hand until my husband comes home and explains the footsteps are the wind (45mile per hour winds in South Dakota) and the fan moves when the heat comes on. Try making up a lie like "I was just kidding and see if you would be my hero!" to that one. It goes over like a prostitute trying to get money from a priest.
So....it is best to not think. I can think about things like "Oh shitty shit, I broke a nail." or "Why the flippity flip is my middle toe bigger then my big toe?" or "Craptastic, the dog just shit downstairs and then threw up in it's pile of shit!"
These are okay to think about. My husband allows this thinking. He was worried when I pondered who to vote for. I did think about how to save the country but that just turned me into a blubbering douche bag. It took a priest, a bottle of wine and a shopping trip to get me out of my blubber douche bag state. And yet....I still chose the loser. For the first time since I have been voting....I chose the loser. This was almost a suicidal attempt. I don't like picking losers. I like picking my nose...but not losers.
Now...I have to go find someone to fix my broken nail and clean my house from a crazy bunko night that ended with tequila getting spilled on my carpet and my dogs getting drunk and singing "Tequila" with a worm in their mouth. I have a crazy life.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Must....Get....Help.
Somebody help me. Anyone. I am desperately needing a intervention.
I am a "As Seen On T.V." freak!!
Example:
It can fix anything big or small. You can hang a real life elephant from your house if you wanted to. You can fix any leak.....hell for $14.95 I would never need a plumber again. I could have put my favorite coffee mug that broke and shattered into a million pieces back together and painted it. I don't think it is toxic. So, when my daughter is arguing with me over which cell phone she thinks she needs (she thinks she needs the $200 Dare cell phone) I can just Magic Putty her pretty little mouth shut for awhile. Peace and Quiet for a mere $14.95!!!! Sold!!!!!
This little device amplifies sound so you can hear anything. I can use it to listen to my neighbors talking bad about me when my daughter pulls my pants down and I show my southern regions to them all. I can hear better in church (if I went to church) and could probably hear all of the old ladies digestive systems at work. I can eavesdrop in on my daughter and friends, so then I wouldn't have to get up from the couch to put my ear to the door. I betcha I could hear my neighbors fighting or having a romp fest. Wouldn't that be fun????? And can you believe that once again, it is only pennies to own this spy technology. Sold!!!!!!
I get so sick of buying razors to shave my hairy legs, pits and my girly area. The razors are never sharp enough and I am sure that it is the reason I have stubble all the time. Never again. With this contraption, I can just sharpen my blade anytime I need to. I may cut my juggler and bleed to death or cut off a important part of my vaginal area but at least my legs would be baby butt soft without the pain of waxing. And my daughter is sure to take off the top layer of her skin with this sharpened blade now. Only $19.95. Sold!!!!
Are you embarrassed of your ugly lawn and have your neighbors put up barricades to hide your lawn from the ugliness??? Mine have. I mean really, if it wasn't for weeds, there would be no green. And I have these ugly brown patches of dead lawn from where I peed in a drunken state and my urine is like acid and killed off the lush green dandelions. Well, now my neighbors can take down the barricades because I have Ultra Lawn Patch. I will no longer feel like the Hunchback of Notre Dame locked up in my bell tower. The townspeople will rejoice and once again accept me. This is the best yet....$12.95. Sold!!!!
Now seriously, I have bought a lot of "As seen on T.V." stuff. The PediEgg.....works wonderful. I don't have fish scaly feet in the summer time. Shoes away for shoe freaks like myself is a great help to your messy closet and Richard Simmon's "Sweating to the Oldies" did shed unwanted pounds for me with some great oldies music that I grew up on. Don't hate me because I love me my Richard Simmons. And trust me....there are many other "As seen on T.V." purchases that I truly have loved. I am addicted. Is it sad that I know the website by heart (pssssssttttt.......... http://www.asseenontv.com/) at that I know all the retail stores that carry the most "As seen on T.V." items (pssssst.....Walgreens!)?
My family buys me these things for Christmas. I love watching infomercials. I could totally take Billy Mases's job.
I need a intervention. I think I'm going into counseling. Nicki?????? Nicki????? Are you there. Your a counselor....can you help a sista out here?????
Guess what. I lost all my favorite links again due to a new laptap this time. I am so shitting busy with things that I couldn't do over the course of the funeral and planning. I have about 200 thank you notes and 200 addresses I have to anywho to find. I have procrastinated too long now. I have insurance to deal with and all of the mail. Plus.....I am grieving in a much harder state then I would have expected myself too. I heard a old message on our answering machine from my beloved father-in-law yesterday and I cried for hours. I was looking for a number in my contacts on my cell phone and saw his name and busted out the tears. I have been dealing with my daughter asking and pleading and screaming "Why??? Why didn't God ask me first?" It breaks my heart. My husband is staying busy and yes...he has grieved a lot but this man was not only his dad, but his best friend. His mentor. He called and asked business questions all the time because my father-in-law was a genius business man. I fear a major meltdown and I am terrified because I am not strong enough for that. I call my parents all the time, make them go to the doctor, cry because I am scared that something else is going to happen. It always happens in 3's for us. I can't believe I wrote that because it makes me shake with fear. I am praying a lot. I feel Dave with me when I need him the most and I feel Jesus walking with me. This is the so comforting to me. I sleep none. I've been up since 4:30am, watching infomercials. Nothing makes me content. My favorite shows, my favorite movies, songs, food.....NOTHING. I feel disconnected and stressed. So, in a very big nutshell....I am neglecting you. I'm so sorry.
I know...I know. It will take time. But how much time?? I need to know. I really need to know. I think my friends are sick of me crying. I think that they have their own worries and are sick of me. I don't want to talk to Craig, it was his dad after all. I don't want to talk to Sheylee and disrupt her anymore. I don't want my sister-in-law to think I'm losing it. And I am certain that everyone is sick of me. I have bailed on so many of my responsibilities that I am sure the PTO is hating me right now. And I ask the same questions over and over and over. Ugh.
I went out last weekend and got plastered. It helped for a short time until I started throwing up and had a hang over the next day. But I smiled. Note: I actually do smile and laugh still. I don't want that taken away from me. You know I get through stress by laughing and I still do that. I am not a vegetable. I'm just venting my hard times that are more often then I would like of course. But I still laugh and I still smile and I still remember. So don't commit me yet.
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