Men Vs. Women

5 Biggest Turn Off's for Women!



5) When a man puts his hand over his butt, farts, and then quickly sniffs his hand!!!



4) Fluffing the covers after he farts is not considered fore play!



3) Standing naked by the bed and twirling his whacker around yelling "Woo-Hoo!"



2) Picking noses, clearing snot out of the throat or staring at the tissue after blowing their nose!



And drum roll................................



1) Proclaiming he is the "King of Shit" after describing how big his loaf was in the toilet!!!!!



Gotta love a man that feels very comfortable around you!!!!





Hey guess what....I'm almost at my 100th post! I guess I have a lot to say!!
My 100 list......um.....we'll have to see about that one!!! :-)

D.I.V.A.

My post yesterday was about everyone in general. The hate mail, and then people who make their lives drama but insist on blaming anyone and everyone else for their disruptive lives! It's typical! But those uglies are not going to hurt me, like I said, they may start something but I'll finish it for them!!!

Today, it's my daughter that is causing me to take my meds with a keg of alcohol. She is such a little shit sometimes!

Yep, this little cutie is causing me distress. Look at her in the above picture.......she thinks she is soooooo cool! She's bellying up to the bar like she doesn't have a care in the world.....

She is a drama queen to the max people! She whines about the silliest of things, she cries about the smallest of things and she exaggerates the ant hills into mountains.

She is also the sweetest thing since gummy worms. She makes me smile and laugh every day! She wears her heart on her sleeve and is a very affectionate, bubbly girl. She is not a girly-girl though.

However......
My child picks her nose, takes books into the bathroom with her and sings while she doo-doo's, farts louder then a ogre, does the covered wagon on her friends, etc........

She has always been this type of girl. My dad was a fire fighter and his fellow firefighters loved, loved, loved my daughter. They would all sit in their recliners and have a farting musical. And they would call me to bring over "Stink" (her nick name) so she could play the tune as well. They encouraged her to pick her nose, pull their fingers, and use the word "poop" in every other word.

Again with the face, the face that tells her momma that she is plotting her revenge on me! We were at my parents house here and she was holding her butt cheeks together because she had to poop. But Rugrats were on and she wasn't about to miss her favorite show. So, Papa spoiled her like always and pulled the potty out to her! She sat there for a half hour....like this!

My sister captured my daughters true self in this picture. Her finger was and still is always up her nose! I do have pictures of recent nose pickings but I don't want to embarrass her that much!

But yet, this is the image I like to think of when I think of my Diva!!!

*Note....the horns were covered by the halo! :-)

My ass hurts!

Yep, but not from the reason most dirtied minded folks like myself would think of first! Nope, my ass hurts from everyone chewing on it all the time! I must smell of Alpo b/c all the dogs are coming after me now! *Roof-Roof*

You would think that I would enjoy my flab being gnawed off, but really, I don't likey so much!!!

You would think that when I pitch a bitch fit people would say:

"Okay, she's really wigging, maybe we should step away from the girl with the head on fire!"

Noooo.....stupidity must be in the air. It's like influenza and everyone is catching it!

I won't bore your pretty little brains with why my ass is like a tender juicy steak but I will tell you that I've got one foot in the river of "I'm-going-to-kick-your-pansy-ass-so-hard-your-ancestors-will-feel-it-in-their-graves!"

I feel like I'm drowning in the sess pool of life, and I'm the giant turd floating at the top! Sorry, that was raunchy! Even I went Ewwwwww..........

Thanks for all the comments about lovin' my honesty and adoring my screwed up life! I really appreciate that! I really appreciate the attention and support! I appreciate your support even more then my boobies appreciate a good bra! REally, it means that much to me! REally, REally, REally means a lot to me!!!

But if you think I'm gonna sit back and allow filth to ruin my days you are mistaken! I will wipe the filth out and throw them in the trash b/c; well; I'm a vindictive bitchy and I like to cause havoc on my victims. They will wish they didn't live in this part of the world and may pack it up and move like the little rodents they really are! Hmmm...I sorta cheered up a bit by just thinking about it! I should be a bitch more often!

But this little issue isn't over until this guy can see his pecker again!

*I think I'll skip the beer tonight*

*and do some sit-ups*

I'll be back soon with a chipper attitude again!

Don't read if you don't want sex talk today!

You asked.....I'll answer!



Q: First question is from Nissa...a super dooper girl!


What's your favorite position?


I would love to give you girls some dirty little position that I find the most interesting but I'm sad to report my favorite position is stationary! I hate to dissappoint however, I have tried every position out there thanks to my PartyGals Guide to Great Sex Book and I still favor the staionary position! Not that the others were something to whine about though! :-)





2) Who has had the most impact on your life?




My parents, hands down! They gave me tools in life that keep me somewhat sane. I learned to laugh through struggles and smile when I want to frown. These are so useful to me! They also taught me that we all screw up more then once and we all have our skeletons in the closet! I'm not embarressed about my skeletons though! I hope that others learn from my "f"-ups and don't care when I am judged! Quite honestly though, next to my parents God has been there for me more times then none! I have felt him lift me into his arms and craddle me when I need cradled. And then of course, my hubby, daughter and my friends and extended family! Everyone impacts my life! And each and every person has supported my silliness, craziness and sex toy parties!





Q: This comes from my little sweetie Smitty who was the first to stand up and defend me when I was getting the hate mail! I'm quite certain that this will produce some hatemail or the prudes who wish to not look at this but I don't fricking give a rat's ass!!!





1)What's your favorite sex toy?? Does it have a name? (I admit, I used to have a Mister Purple. That was the official name I gave him..uh, "it".)





Whoa, this one is a doozy! I have many, many toys! For myself I like The Lovin Spoonful! Oh my Gosh...this is a for sure orgasm! It has a button that rotates from clockwise to counterclockwise which massages the G-spot! It is amazing. Look at this little magical wand!



2) Where did you and your hubby go on your first date?



To the movie "Titantic." I cried like a baby and was really embarrassed but hubby was very understanding and sympethtic. What a man, what a man, what a mighty good man! We were together from that point on!



Q: From a true bloggy friend Mama Zen: Okay, I know that my question is pretty obvious, but how did you get into selling sex toys?



Well, I was a "sex toy virgin." Before I moved up here I never heard of them. My friend hosted a party and I was very embarrassed and ashamed to go (yes....me!). So I went and had the best time ever! Then 2yrs later I had a party of my own through a different company (Partygals) and realized that she was making 50% commission by having fun and talking sex (my favorite topic!). So, I decided to sign up and it has been the best job ever! I get paid to party people! Top that!!!



Q: Well, my little friend Sandy had some serious questions! I just love her!



1) How often do you roll in the hay?



Probably about 4-5days a week! I am a sex-aholic! Sex makes me have a connection with my hubby! Just him and me! Something that we do together, and it is a very great moment for me! Plus, it feels good!



2) Have you ever thought of anyone else during sex?



Actually, no! I have never done that! I don't oppose of it though! It's a fantisy, and there's nothing wrong with that! As long as it's not all the time! You should find yourself physically attractive to your hubby! But, if you fanisize about Brad Pitt once in awhile, go ahead and pretend your Angelina Jolie too! However, you would have to imagine a handful of kids in bed with you too!



3) Have you ever faked an orgasm?



Yep, I sure have! It was one of those nights where I was not in the mood and decided to just do the "Oh, Oh Baby". Problem with it is, he thought he hit the right spot and went back to it the next time. Then I had to say "no, that's not it" so try this! I try hard to not fake them anymore! I'm a fast learner!



Q: This one came in a email! So I won't mention names!



How do you find the time to have sex?



Well, I see it like this! I can take 15minutes at the most out of my day to please my hubby. And come on, lets get real here, 15min is giving most of the men credit! But by me giving it up for him, I get my wants pleased too! Mine are like going shopping, holding my hand in public, laugh with me, etc. It works itself out!

These next questions came from my very funny, very real Huckdoll.....I love my huckdoll people!

Q: If you could have dinner with one famous person (dead or alive) who would it be and why?

I love Marilyn Monroe. I actually love all those 50's, 60's and 70's stars! But I would ask Marilyn Monroe how they hell she died! I know it was the Kennedy's. I just know it!!!!! And the curse of the Kennedy's isn't so much a curse, but just a pissed off dead bitch seeking her revenge! Go Marilyn!

Q: If you had $500,000 to donate to one charity, what would it be and why?

Hands down....St. Judes! My friend had a child with an aggressive cancer. It was scary and very hard! She didn't receive treatment from St. Jude herself but St. Jude is just wonderful. Can you imagine fighting for your childs life and then struggling with the un-Godly medical bills too? St. Jude isn't like that. They take the stress of medical bills away! I would also donate to Stem Cell Research. I won't get on my soapbox today but I will add that the stem cell transplant saved my friends 3yr old daughter and gave her life! Did you know that the un-used embyos get put in red bags and trashed? Why wouldn't we save lives of so many cancer patients, metobolic disorders, spinal cord injuries etc? Why not save lives instead of throwing them in the dumpster? I think everyone needs to do some research on this!!!

Q: Why are some guys so damn ADAMANT about anal sex? I've never done it and I'm FREAKING? What is wrong with the old fashion way??? Any tips??? I can't get past anal sex being somewhat gay, you know??

Because it is the unknown and it is raunchy and that is what men want. Raunchy, dirty sex! I told my hubby "Hell NO to that Hole" from the very beginning! Some women enjoy it and obviously gay men enjoy it too! It's a personal decision! But my poop chute has a blade in it and if anything tries to enter, they pull out a bloody nub!!! Men are stupid too and will continue to beg! In this case, go out and buy the biggest probe and simply say "You first!" He shouldn't ask again!!!

Another email!

Q: It hurts to have sex sometimes!

Lube it up girl! Women should always lube! Otherwise, it will eventually over time start to hurt like hell to have sex! No, don't lube it up with Lard, okay! But Partygals has a nice selection of some great lubes. And if it still hurts, you could quite possibly have a yeast infection or some issues there! Go see a doc at this point!

Kyle, my sweet little friend Kyle, asked

Q: What the F? Thats all I got.

Kyle, hunny, sweetie! I know you know what "F" is......I know all your dirty secrets.......*insert witch cackle here! Be afraid Kyle, be very afraid! BTW....hope your not missing us partygoers too much! We miss you!!! :-)

And lastly my soul "bloggy" sister Kathryn had a question!

Q: What is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to your DURING sex?

Oh Lordy, there are so many embarrassing moments for me! Sad? I know! But the biggest one was this! (totally cannot believe I'm telling you this!)

I always have to pee before sex (if not, I pee on my hubby....yet another embarrassing moment!). So, hubby was patiently waiting while I emptied my bladder. I quickly wipe and run into the bedroom! Not to get too personal and you can fill in the blanks but after some kissing and what not my hubby said "um....honey.....you have toliet paper stuck still!" The thing is......I didn't just pee! So the toliet paper was stuck in my crack! I'm turning red just writing this! I never jumped up so fast in my life screaming the whole way to the bathroom. I didn't have sex with my hubby that night! The mood was ruined.....obviously!!!!

Hows that for questions and answers? I bet you've never seen it done like this before. I'm sure I've lost a few bloggy friends from this....you know the type.....prissy, snooty, too good for me kind! They need to be gone from here anyway b/c I am soo not their type!

But too the rest of you! I love you all!!!!!

Rambling!

This is how a night goes with my hubby!

Picture it! Me: Tired as hell from not getting much sleep since I have a snot party going on in my nose! I'm doozing off to sleep when my hubby says:

Hubby: "Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah" (speaking about work or the fire department...I'm too tired to care!)

Me: "I'm don't know Honey, Good Night!"

Hubby: "Yada, Yada, Yada, Ya" (still speaking about work or the fire department...I'm still to freaking tired to give a crud!)

Me: "huh, okay! Good Night Honey!" (When I say good night I'm praying that he gets the clue)

Hubby: "Whine, Whine, Whine!) (Just not getting the clue yet!)

Me: "Honey, I am really tired and I'm drifting in and out of sleep! Whatever your talking about I'm not listening to you and your annoying me!"

Quiet! Finally......Peace and Quiet! Ahhhhh.....slumber....here I come!

Hubby: "My butt itches!"

*I screamed at him at this point, told him to put some lotion on his ass and go sleep on the fricking couch!!!!

He L.O.V.E.S. to annoy the shit out of me! I'm going to rip out his pancreas and bitch slap him with it somday!

There are some great questions that you asked! I'm going to have to put a block on this web page stating that there is adult content on my blog! Plus, it will keep the prudy, better then sex people out! Babies!

I'll keep it real though....oh yeah! You ask, you shall receive! Kathryn's question about my most embarrassing sex moment is going to make you all pee your pants! I'm worried....but I'll still give it straight! That's me!

Did I ever tell you that my nick name in school was "Pissy Krissy?" Obviously, peeing my pants has been a problem with me for years! I have kidney problems people!!!! :-)

Anywho....this was just a big mumble of shit! I didn't have anything to speak of unless you want to hear about me chasing my Diva around the room for 15min b/c she has a tooth that's just hanging there and won't pull it out! She slipped and fell and I thought maybe she knocked it out but nope....I think she just loosened another one! Or if you want to hear how I have been searching endlessly for a shirt for Saturday night (Big Fireman's Dance) and cannot find one b/c they don't make cute shirts for big boobed ladies! Asses! Or how I saw a man that had the worse case of "Mullet Madness" that I've ever seen! He's channelling Billy Ray back in his mullet days! Or how my Diva kicked ass in dance class yesterday and looks hot! She rocks!

Nah...I don't think you want to hear any of that! So, come back tomorrow (or the next day) and we will get those questions answered. And if you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, read the earlier entry! And put your head in the gutter, YEAH BABY! I'll give those naysayers something to talk about! Because I'm a shit like that!

Tell me...Are you dirty or not????

Jumping on the bandwagon!

Well, I'm usually not one who copies people and I'm definately not the most popular blogger out there however, I really want you to ask me questions! I don't care if it's "How do you sell Sex Toys?" or "what is my embarrassing moment?", etc.......

I think it's fun to get to know eachother! And obviously, I sell sex toys so if you do have any personall questions, just go annoymous! You see this will help me out in future parties. So, no hold bars here people! I don't care if it is classy, odd, dirty, nice, funny, whatever!

Ask away my love friends! And you could send others my way too! This is for research so help a sista out! I need all the research I could get! Help me pleeeeezzzzeee!

Me and hubs talked today! I have been bored as hell at staying home. Eventually, Diva will not be such a chicken shit and could fend for herself a few hours a day! Granted this will be a few years down the road but nonetheless.....she will be able to stay by herself. So, I'm going back to school. I'm considering becoming a sex therapist! Sounds crazy, I know! But it is what I am good at! GRRRRRR!

And because I have the greatest bloggy friends and greatest "personal" friends (ones that hang with me on a daily basis!) I figure I could do some serious research and get a head start!

If sex scares you, well then whatever! But you can ask me any stupid or fun question you have!

Be inventive....because if it has happened to anyone....it has been firecracker who has been there, done that! Truly!

I once jumped a moving train while in heals and a rose in my mouth. A planter made of wood stopped me from rolling and my dress was up and over my head and I broke a nail! Damn it! It was invigorating though! I am adverterous you see! So, your questions couldn't be too far fetched!!! Remember, I am really wild! That's why you love me, right Amy?

Get those brains working today friends! I'm really excited!

And now for a funny!

Obviously this virgin needs help to get some action! Poor Poor virgin!

!

Me, Me, Me's

I've been tagged! My little Smitty tagged and it seems pretty easy for a women with snot crusted into her nose and ears seeping puss (that's what you get when I'm sick!) Details ladies and gent...details!!!

Ready?? Okay! (channelling my old cheerleading days!)



You must post the rules before you give your answers. You must list one fact about yourself for each letter of your middle name. Each fact must begin with that letter. If you don't have a middle name, just use your maiden name. After you've been tagged, you need to up-date your blog with your middle name and answers. At the end of your post, you need to tag one person for each letter of your middle name. (Be sure to leave them a comment telling them they've been tagged and need to read your blog for details).

My middle name is Beth! It's not my favorite name but it was better then the alternative (Yolanda Betty!!! Ack!)

Being silly and acting like a dweeb is my fortay!

Eating junk food is my downfall!

Thankful for my friends whom allow me to stay silly!

Holly is my sister's name!

So, that was simple enough! I'm tagging my fellow Packer fan Kathryn at Seeking Sanity! Good luck Kathryn!!!!

And then just when you thought it couldn't be any better (yeah right! Stop shaking your head at me people!) I was emailed a meme! Because blogging is more important then emailing...I give to you my Top 10 Things!!!

1) My favortie movies are "Benchwarmers", "Duece Bigalow", and "Wild Hogs" and "Goonies"....can't forget the goonies...I love Chunk!!!!

2) My favorite color is baby blue! Well more like the slate blue! Especially when I put it with brown! Purdy!!!

3) I was going to name Diva Kadence or Brylee but chose a name that was different and beautiful! I get a lot of complaiments off of her name! I'm a Cool Chick!

4) My favorite thing to do is going to the movies. It relaxes this stressed out freaky girl! Well, the movie and the oversized tub of popcorn and fountain diet coke! *mouth watering*

5) I once peed my pants while driving down the interstate (prego with kidney problems...okay!). I had a shower to attend at a bar and because I was in a dress (that was hiked up to my thighs b/c it was not a maternity dress and I was in denial but couldn't sit in my car without it being hiked up! So, the dress was in the safe zone!) so I just peeled off the wet panties (prego panties!) and threw them out the window while doing 70mph. I pity the fool behind me! Anyway, at the party, my good friend but very evil friend thought it to be a good idea to lift up my dress and show off my expanding belly! Not good when you are not wearing your panties!

6) A week after that incident I was at work and had to go pee. I only had a minute before a meeting so I ran in at mock speed, did my thing and instead of wasting time washing my hands I just grabbed my nifty purell. I didn't check the mirror. I walked all the way back to through a bunch of people until an older lady whispered "Honey, your dress is tucked into your undies and you have a wedgie!" I screamed obsentities and pulled the dress out of my under-roo's and then picked out the huge wedgie. Everyone was in tears laughing at me! Suckers!

7) After I woke up from my last surgery (hysterectomy) I swore to God I had to poop! I was crying because of the extreme pain but was yelling very, very loudly that "I have to POOP!". I hadn't opened my eyes yet. The nurses were explaining to me that it sometimes feels like you have to poop but you really don't. And the cathater could be adding pressure to my bowels. I insisted I was going to poop the bed. Finally, I woke up enough to realize that the nurses voice was a male. I opened my eyes in time to see that he was very, very cute, laughing (at me no doubt) and placing a bed pan under my ass! I quickly told him I was fine and I didn't need that. Then he took the oxygen off of my nose b/c I was having an allergic reaction to it that made my nose itch. As he was taking it off I sneezed and blew snot all over his hand. Then I just covered my head under the blankets and cried!

8) I walked in on a robbery one time. I was tired from working 15hrs and just wanted a Mountain Dew to wake me up as I was on my way to another job! It was cold and the parking lot was deserted except for a lone man putting on a ski mask (to go into the store.....this should have been a clue). I proceeded to walk in and there he stood with a gun! He put the gun to my temple and told me to lay down. I told him "NO"! He screamed at me and I layed down. As he was running out the door he turned around to stare at me and gave me kissy lips. I stood up and ran as fast as my stubby little legs could!

9) I lost the top to my bathing suit so many times it's hard to remember them all! Or...if the bikini top didn't come off my big ole milk jug would just pop out! Kids are usually scared shitless when this happens and adults usually snicker at me!

10) My mom was stalked when I was younger. My dad was a firefighter and worked 24hrs/off 48hrs. It only happened when he worked. When he was gone, my mom would make us sleep with her and we slept next to a shot gun. When he would break in...my mom would lock us in the closet and then go searching for him. She shot the gun numerous times but never shot him. We even had alarms on our house and the bastard still got in! His intentions were to rape and kill all of us.....courtesy of a letter he wrote to us! He was a ghost and never got caught! Neighbors would stay up all night with a gun waiting for him and somehow that jerk still managed to make it in! He finally stopped stalking after our gay neighbor ladies chased his ass up a hill with a pistol. He never returned! This is primarily why I have guns in my house and large dogs that wouldn't think twice about killing someone that hurt me or Diva. Don't worry though, Diva is very, very educated on guns and the guns are safely stored and hidden. But I could get to in in a second if need be!!!

There you go! A little more about Firecracker!